Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
CoDependent? Please help
February 24, 2006
12:49 pm
Avatar
Natkat99
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I began dating a great guy about 2 months ago via the internet. He lives about an hour away so we went out 1 or 2 times a week, the remainder of the time we talk online. I was fine with it and "normal" until we decided to make it official, as in we're a couple. As of now, we spend every weekend together and maybe once during the week.

This past week I felt like I've done a complete 180 since we decided to become a couple..I am completely obsessing and if he doesn't respond online the way I think he should or if he doesn't respond fast enough, etc I think he is losing interest and I fight my urges to constantly ask for reassurance. I'm going to see him this weekend and in person, everything is wonderful. He is completely caring and we have fun, he is just not good with communicating online, but that's the bulk of our communication. I have been tempted twice already to tell him I can't do this...because I am completely obsessing about his feelings towards me. Instead of acting normal and just doing my own thing during the week, I obsess about our status and if he's feeling the same way.

I really don't want to screw this up, he's the first really great guy I've met, but in my twisted brain, I think if he's just making small talk during the week, he is not that interested. I find myself telling him I get emails from other guys just to see if he'll react. I know jealousy is not a sign of caring...I know all of my feelings are wrong but it's so hard to control my thoughts. Please help with any advice. I have started counseling this week but I don't see my therapist again until March.

I'm just so afraid I'm going to drive him away...I always manage to do that. I start out normal, then it goes downhill.

February 24, 2006
12:53 pm
Avatar
Natkat99
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I forgot to add that I also have a hard time asserting what i want for fear of rejection. I rely on the guy to make the first move always and guage how he feels, then I decide how vulnerable I want to make myself. Ayy...it's just so painful. I feel like I'll never have a normal healthy relationship.

February 24, 2006
3:44 pm
Avatar
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

you're not responsibe for him having - or losing - interest in you. His interest in you shouldn't be dependent on how much effort you put into this friendship or relationship because the mere fact of him taking or having interest in you (or you in him) is - or should be ? - something unconditional ("it just is"). You cannot make him love you. So him losing interest doesn't imply that you failed him (his behavior is not a reflection on you). You don't have that much power over him or his actions and thoughts. Free yourself of this illusion. All you can do is be your best "you", showing him the person you really and truly are. This is the only way to unconditional love. So - merely as an experiment - you may wanna set yourself up for what you fear most, rejection, and see what happens. By doing exactly the things which, in your frame of mind (in your thinking), produce an outcome of rejection. So you purposely and willingly decide to make yourself (most) vulnerable first, then you carefully register (observe) his response (how does he react to you?) and no matter what, you just continue to put yourself first (don't pull back by making yourself invisible or reducing your 'self' to a bleak copy of him). Run the calculated risk of him leaving or abandoning you. This is the only way you can set yourself free. Consciously evoke your 'worst-case' scenario (~ the worst you think can happen). He is your big chance at a major break through. To learn (how)to rely on yourself. Don't worry about the outcome. Think of the outcome as something beyond your power. Every time you catch yourself obsessing about him, write your thoughts down and ask yourself:"is this true?" - "how do I know?" - "is this a proven or irrefutable fact or truth about him or me or us"? - this way you stay in tune with reality ("reality check") and (misleading) illusions cannot creep in. Start with you. Be loyal and faithful to you. And you'll allow other people around you to follow you ... to respond to your genuine self (but you - your hidden or concealed 'self' - the person who is unlovable or unworthy of love - will have to be willing and determined to come out of the dark). If you find yourself not trusting him (testing him ..."can or does he really love ... me?"), you're just dropping the message - even if nobody notices - that you don't trust yourself (low self-trust). This is because you are making your self-trust dependent on an outside source - his reactions or responses to you. There should be a more direct ("uphill?") way to connect (getting connected) to yourself, don't you think so ?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
26
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714260
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information