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codependent ontop of codependency
April 28, 2009
12:25 am
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butterflykisses
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Hello everyone - i am still struggling in my marriage at times. I think i need to back up in my story a little too - last year, my husband wanted to leave his job. Remember, we've only been married a little less than 3 yrs. I have had a lot of anger built up about that, but with the sick kids, his alcoholic family, etc. I've never told him how angry that made me. I never wanted to upset him or make him feel bad.

I moved to marry him. I lived in a place that i liked - was attending martial arts (got my black belt just before marriage!), had a good church family, and loved my job. I wish i'd known of this support on line before marriage! and my problem (codependency) before i moved. I would have still married my husband, but wouldnt have moved. Anyway, i didnt want him to leave his job, because of all of this, but also because of financial reasons. But i never said "dont do this" i said "I'd rather..." He was trying to buy a semi. All of our income tax money was "stolen" from a finance company and so what do i do - take money out of my 401K to come up with the needed downpayment. Anyway - i think it made me think less of him, afterwards - not at the time. Well, everything was going good, until the truck broke down - more financial disaster! What trucking he did before Christmas was used to fix the truck. We had to go with a finance company to consolidate our credit cards. Our credit is ruined, something i have always been proud of - i was a single mom and had great credit! Our house is in my maiden name because i sold my house to buy "ours" and he didnt have good credit (which he told me he was terrible with money - wanted a woman who could help him).

Anyway, now, he went in Jan to work on the ranch. His brother officially got fired. Made my husband happy - makes me scared to death that he wants to try to stay there.

I finally talked a little to him on the phone tonight about how hurt i am and where do we go from here basically. He says he feels lost and doesnt know what he wants. For about the past 9 mos, hes made comments like "you made a bad choice" and "you shouldnt have married me. Youd still be living in ....and be just fine". Tonight, telling me he doesnt know what he wants, what am i supposed to do with that? Ive asked him about marriage counseling - got 3 different responses 3 different times - one, he doesnt want anyone else telling him what to do 2 if counseling would make me love his son, hed go, and 3 tonight was F no because he doesnt want to.

Anyway, i am trying to be happy on my own - i have been before - but we are still married. I dont want to throw in the towel, but dont know how long i can let him do this to me.

I get so angry at myself - if i hadnt let him do all of that stuff to me financially (my codependency i realize) maybe wed still be talking ok. We used to be able to talk. Now i feel obsessed and crazed - not everyday, getting better. Anyway, i feel my codependency from the beginning (didnt know it was that) is causing my codependency emotionally now. Can you be codependent ontop of codependency????

I did find a CODA meeting in the area I thought we didnt have one. Am going to try tomorrow night. Anyway, any thoughts, hopes for me, anything at all. I feel strong one day, call him, ready to face this and talk about our problems, and then feel weak.

Oh - when dating, he went to church with me all the time. Since marriage, only has gone MAYBE 5 times. What made him change? Or is he just very weak?

Oh, also the kid thing - his son has been sick a lot with ear infections. I forgot to pick meds one day (he missed one dose) i know not good, but he is gone and i am taking care of everything here! I do love his son, but he is 17 and you cannot force a teen to talk to you. And back in Feb - his son told him he didnt want to live with us anymore - he claims because of how i treat my son (wont let him grow up - he is 14). Im not stupid - i am his step mom! Why would he want to live with me? He moved in with us because he wanted to live with his dad! Sorry for the long story.

Oh also, we were talking on the phone tonight and i told him hed have to figure out his problems on his own, got all hurt and hung up on me. Did i say that all terribly wrong? And when his son didnt want to live here anymore, my husband completely ignored me for 1 month! Im really struggling, everytime he doesnt answer the phone, i get scared.

I want to feel safe and secure again. I hate this feeling, but i dont want to give up on us. I feel we havent even been given a fair start.

April 28, 2009
3:27 am
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butterflykisses-

What you said to your husband was not terribly wrong. Maybe he wanted to work the problems out together with you and did not get the response he wanted. But you need to protect your boundaries (easier said than done...) and you sound like that is what you are establishing. I admire that you are doing so.

What do you mean be codependent upon codependency? You mean his codependency and you are codependent too? I believe it takes two. Some people think there is one person with "a problem" and another with a codependent problem. I believe there are two codependents, but we have to focus on our own codependency.

Tonight I went to my first CODA meeting, I need to be there. How do you find Coda for you? Did it feel comforting? I felt cathartic... but I need it again... what about you?

keep writing,
ella

April 28, 2009
6:37 am
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CAMER
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what do you want to do to make the marriage better?? it sucks cuz your hubby doesn't want to seem to put much effort into making the marriage stronger.

I guess its all a learning cycle of what you went thru, and its awful that you had to finacially burden yourself to all this.

I know the feeling, i moved 150 miles away, thinking that it was the right thing to do (move with my bf, his great idea)....and now i hate it, but i learned, i am stronger now, my house is back on the market, it may not sell, but i know I am heading back home, to where i was happy, its just going to take time till i sell this house and move back home, the economy sucks!

Ok, you may have made mistakes in the past with the hubby, but you learn from them, and not repeat them.....and yes, attend Coda meetings, i did, unfort. i don't have any remotely close to where I live now, and have this site as a blessing. Coda meetings are excellent, real live people, great connections and everyone sharing codependency issues.

I would just work on yourself, keep reading coda books, do what you have to for you, see if your hubby will attend marriage counseling, if he doesn't you can always go yourself, you can't save your hubby, he has to "want" to make the changes, if he doesn't then at least you know what you are up against.

Most of all, keep posting & know you are not alone.

(((camer))))

April 28, 2009
11:35 am
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butterflykisses
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thank-you for responding

mzella - I guess what I mean about the codependent ontop of codependency, is if I never would have caved in about the financial stuff in the beginning (clearly co-dependent - I didn't want to, but didn't want to cause any confrontation) - but did that CAUSE my obsessive, crazy co-dependent thoughts now? Maybe that doesn't even make sense. I think I am beating myself up, that this has all been my fault. If I would have been strong in the beginning, we wouldn't be in this mess, and I wouldn't be feeling this way. I haven't gone to the CODA meeting yet - it is tonight.

Camer - thank-you. As I have read on other threads, you are one that always comes through with advice. I guess I don't know what I want to do to save the marriage. I just feel scared, and we had a lot of hopes and dreams. But, I look back since we have been married, all of the things we talked about and did when dating, kind of ended when we got married after I moved. But, right after marriage, we started with medical problems. His son needed brain/ ear surgery. This past year my son needed lung surgery.

Did I play a part in the dreams/ hopes ending? I suppose so since I missed "home". I am probably just as confused as he is, so shouldn't be mad at him for that. i just want to see some effort. The more I want him to put in some effort, the less he does. He is a control freak of his own life (he wouldn't try to control me). I just want some answers, and to feel safe. It sucks. I cannot really move back where I was - First, prob cannot sell the house where we live right now, and my occupation, there are not a lot of jobs just sitting open. I need that for the income. And I don't want to move my son again until he is done with school. He will be a freshman next school year. I moved about the same distance as you did!!! It sucks to be so nice sometimes, to not have someone else give for/ to us for a change.

Anyway, thanks.

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