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Codependent No More
May 29, 2000
5:19 pm
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Frieda
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Definition of codependent:

When you're dying, someone else's life passes before your eyes.

HaHa?

May 30, 2000
3:31 am
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hazza
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HI Frieda,
that was so funny! it is a good little peice of humour to remember when you feel yourself getting a bit co-dep from time to time ins't it.

Humour is sucha powerful tool that most people ignore as part of the healing process.

humour benefits us physically, that is proven. Also it changes our mind set on soemthing. You cannot be afraid of that which you find funny.

If you laugh at your unhelpful traits, you take away their power, they become nothing more that silly irritating parts of you that you laugh at whilst trying to change them.

There is a lot to be said for humour. lets have more of it!
Peace
Hazza

May 30, 2000
2:36 pm
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news
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Humor is surely one of the best way to cope with life, unfortunately it is not always there when you need it...Anyway today I feel good, even though I haven't done much at work. Some days I fell the work I can do for my inner me is the more important thing to do.

May 30, 2000
8:26 pm
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boots
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Spirit, i was so optimistic, Tried to start the twelve steps did a inventory prayed for help tried to forgive my self and be accountable for my own wrongs not my partners, we had a good discussion about and looked for a counselor today. I went to work and my partner went to a bar an in 2 hour is completely loaded. I don't know if he has a problem i can only account for myself but he is all i have in the new town, until i find a church, sponsor, counselor. i am scared. It is not my place to analyze him, i love him, but is staying with part of the problem too. How do i figure tht out? Do i have to end this relationship? I thought my emotional problems were the majority of our problems. Now what do i do?

May 30, 2000
9:12 pm
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Spirit
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Boots: Staying with a person who abuses just because you do not want to go it alone is, well, NOT HEALTHY. I understand your fear of being alone in a strange town. I understand your taking the blame for the problems in your relationship. But baby, it takes two to tango, and if he is doing the two-step, and you are doing the waltz, someones toes will get stepped on. Take responsibility for that which is yours, leave his "stuff" to him. If you set out to pick a fight, stop. Take a deep breath, take a walk, just don't start the fight. Over the years I have bitten my tongue for the greater good. If it will serve no greater good, why say it? If it makes you feel like a heel afterwards, don't say it. You know the drill. If picking a fight is the only way to get attention from him, or is the only way you are conditioned to get attention, or is the way you learned through observing your parents, then you know what needs doing. Pick up the phone book and call the nearest support group, no matter which one (one can lead you to another), or the nearest church, and get involved. Just don't stay in a situation that may cause either of you harm. Slowly, step by painful step, all will fall into place for you. No quick fixes, many tests, go with what you KNOW in your heart and peace will follow.

May 30, 2000
10:04 pm
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boots
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I am no afraid to end this relationship if it for the greater good. How do i know if it is? How do i know if i should atleast try to work it out with him? I feel better because i am actively looking everywhere i can for help and i know i can only help myself. i am trying to follow the codep rules and steps I can not control him Just myself. It is not my fault. I don't even know how i feel about what he did. How do i know if we should or should not try to make this work. I know indecision is codep. Thank you for your remarks they are helpful and i don't feel alone in my time of need

May 30, 2000
10:09 pm
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boots
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I do know I do not want to fight not matter how hurt i feel. I have an immediately and uncontrollable rage that erupts when he does something that i don't like or hurts me emotionally. I have to control me and me alone. I am the abuser and i provoke himin everyway i can, almost beg him to abuse me because in some sick way i feel like i desire to be hurt. i know that is wrong and i want that sick cycle to stop today, now...

May 31, 2000
7:16 am
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janes
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MaNY TIMES THE ABUSED ARE ALSO THE ABUSER...IN SOME RELATIONSHIPS BITH ARE.

oops. didn't mean to yell.

If you truly want this sick scycle to stop then seek professional help.

The outside help will be beneficial to you in a great many ways.

If you have this much insight then take the steps to improve.

Spirit was so very tactful in saying that if you stay it is NOT HEALTHY..it is not.... get out... go to a shelter and seek help immediatiatly.

If the relationship is meant to be he will seek help with you and the two of you can build a decent relationship that way.

May 31, 2000
8:43 am
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Spirit
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Different levels of awareness. Different points of view. Different reasons for doing what is done. Yet, they all come down to the same thing: How much do you love and respect yourself? Is it enough to stop looking for help, and actually find it? Is it enough to go sit under a tree and write your feelings in a journal? Is it enough to allow yourself the freedom to get down to some serious work on YOU? Had to ask.

Alright, so you blow up at him. So you pick fights with him. There is always an underlying factor which triggers these things in each of us. Boots, you are not alone. If you have read other threads, you would have seen that there are many who have the similar experiences in their lives. Some have found the way, for themself, to put this under control, by knowing where it comes from. You have taken the first step of awareness, by speaking out about that which you know is not the way you want to be. Now comes the next step: understanding the whys of it all. Do Not Get Down On Yourself! Embrace yourself for having the hutzpah to get real about it all. As to ending the relationship, when the time for that answer is here, you will KNOW the answer in your heart. Right now, communicate with your partner about what you know now. Don't blame, yell or pick a fight. Just talk with him about what you know needs to be done in the here and now. The rest of the answers will come to you in due time. Peace be yours today as you continue to open doors to who you are, inside.

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