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codependent; need relationship answers
July 26, 2005
12:03 am
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Just Lost
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I know some of you have heard my broken record story so much you are tired of it. But I have a question and want as many opinions as I can get. My name is Just Lost and I am codependent. My wife left me last month to pursue a divorce. She left after she went to a therapist who told her that she had extreme self esteem problems. The therapist told her that she needed a lot of counseling and that being in a relationship would only delay the treatment. She was advised not to enter a relationship for at least a year. So she left me. Only two weeks later, I find out she is in love with a co-worker (who is getting divorced also). After confronting both of them, she tells me the next morning that she told him about her issues and that she had to get help. Of course, his reply is "ok but do YOU think you have a problem." She said she told him yes and he said "ok then get help." That was three weeks ago. Since then, my wife has told me that the other man has her heart and that I was never going to get it back. His wife has now moved and he has his own place. My wife has since started sleeping there about two times a week. She is there again tonight. I called her earlier but no answer. She will not deny that she is having a 'relationship' with him but she denies that it is physical. She said she will not go there because it's wrong because all of the parties involved are still married. She's spending the weekends with him and two nights a week. He has since told her that he doesn't think she has a problem at all. The same thing her own father convinced her of as a child. Her whole family is emotionally disturbed and the father lives in denial and tries to tell them the same thing. Now this new guy is saying the same things.

So here is my question. I am codependent and can have no say so in any of it but I am curious to know what everyone thinks about her situation and whether or not you think her 'relationship' is against the recommendations of the therapist. Or if it really doesn't matter. Personally, I feel like she has fallen off the wagon with therapy and has fallen back into the mode that everything is ok now that she has the 'right man' for her. Tell me what you think. And by the way, a symptom of self esteem problems is excessive spending. She had run up a $4000 credit card bill when she left last month. It is up to $7400 now only 7 weeks later.

July 26, 2005
12:26 am
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Anonymous
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Just Lost, we are NOT sick of hearing your story. We are all here for support and advice, and you are in the throws of a tumultuous divorce. I have read many of your posts, and can see that you are having a VERY difficult time accepting her decision and letting her go. Even if she is going against the advice of her therapist (which she clearly is), how does that change anything for you? Could it be that she used the therapist's words about not being in a relationship to justify to you and to herself that she should leave you? The fact that she took up with a married co-worker 2 weeks later is a sign that this "emotional" affair may have been going on for quite some time, and the therapist was just a scapegoat. She probably had emotionally left your marriage before you ever realized there was a problem.

If she truly has self-esteem issues, then she is definitely going to need counseling. But that is going to be up to her.

I don't want to offend you, Just Lost, because I KNOW you are in great pain over this loss, but at some point you are going to have to come to terms with this for yourself! I can see from your posts that this has made you crazy, and you feel like your whole world has been blown apart. You have every right to feel that way! But it is up to YOU to stop obsessing over what she's doing, why she's doing it, who she's doing it with, and start to heal your gaping wound. It will take time, but YOU CAN DO IT!

Let her go, Just Lost. And find some peace for your self, one baby step at a time! Keep posting your feelings, and get them out! We are here for you!

July 26, 2005
12:59 am
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Just Lost
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for some strange reason, about 25 minutes ago, I had the urge to call her and I did. She actually answered the phone. She said she was on the way home. I asked from where at 12:30 am. She actually told the truth. From his house. She told me what they did tonight. Although I know that wasn't anything to place hope in, it was the first time in a while that she told a partial truth. As far as the emotional affair, we recognized that had been going on since April. She has not denied that. So then I tried to be tactful in bringing up what her therapist had told her about waiting a year. Her excuse: "well thats what she said. I'm seeing another therapist at the center now and she hasn't said anything about it." And then she tells me that the other guy called her today asking if she was okay because he noticed she had lost weight. He played it big time. "I am just concerned about you...." What an asshole. Maybe he should be concerned about his wife and not mine.

Anyway, I know I cannot control any part of it. I just wanted to see if what I was thinking was correct of if I had just made an invalid assumption. My meeting tonight went well. The group heard my story and told me that I had come to the right place. I also got a call from a lady who is going through the same things as I am right now. She is further ahead in her therapy but she has been where I am at just a few months ago. She is going to meet with me next week to give me some insight. And, I finally get to see my counselor for the first time next week. So, if I can make it a week, I might be okay for a while. The divorce should be final in no more than 16 days.

July 26, 2005
1:10 am
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Anonymous
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Well it sounds like you are getting there, Just Lost! You are making some great strides in moving yourself along thru the process. The more you "talk" about it, the sooner you will begin to heal. I am glad that you have found some people in your area that can gather round you and support you thru the ups and downs of this emotional rollercoaster you are on.

Hang in there! You're doing great!

July 26, 2005
1:24 am
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Just Lost
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we'll see how i feel tomorrow. to be honest, i feel like i need to be with my support group, or talking to someone about it, all the time. i know that is bad but sometime down the road that too will fade

July 26, 2005
2:09 am
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godsgirl
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Hi, I have been in a similar sittuation. My best advice to you is to open the bird cage and let your wife out. I may be the hardest thing to do but let her be free. Don't call her ect., she left, now let her choose. If you want to win her back remember to let her go. Holding on too tight and trying to change people only makes them push away. you deserve to be treated right, let her go and if she comes back she will be all yours. If she wants help she will, but only if she is ready. But right now just back off and live your own life...it will get better. Confidence is attractive, not that you need her but that you nar ok with or without her.

July 26, 2005
3:34 am
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Cinamac
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Hang in there Just Lost

You are trying to process all these changes. It will take a lot of talking and support to accept the changes, reality for what it is.

Reality is what is, not what should be. We know she should be with her husband. We know she should be faithful. She should tell the truth. She shouldn't run up your charge cards. We know you are a great guy and you love her. Sadly, reality is not pointing that way. Sadly it is over and you can't bare the pain.

Luckily you are reaching for support and working on accepting this reality, as brutal as it is. It is as if someone invaded your home and took her away. And you are feeling helpless. You still care about her. You want to save her from him. From herself. For yourself.

No matter what you do, it won't bring her home. It won't save her. It must be so frustrating and anguishing for you. I remember the anguish I felt when my husband flipped. It was as if he was abducted by an alien and returned as an alien...what the heck!!! And he was running around town and everyone was saying, What is the deal with your husband? And I tried to protect him, etc. I got him into the best therapists, psychiatrists....I even consulted healers, psychics, mystics...(I was desparate).

Then one day I had to face the reality of the bitter e-mail he sent to my hotmail ...he wanted a divorce. Like thanks a lot, pal.

Well, two plus years later....whewwww it gets so much better. But I know some that when going through this traumatic crisis, they turn to the booze or any other addiction they can get their hands on. Just keep going to your group, keep talking. Get exercise, keep drinking water, make lists, get a little job done everyday. Keep posting, keep reaching out to the universe, one more time.

It is not your fault. It is just the way it is. HAng in there.

July 26, 2005
8:32 am
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kc30
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Just Lost
I can feel your pain as though it were my own. My husband is an alcoholic who was also having an affair, and ended up leaving the marriage.

All I could think about, just like you, was him. What he was doing or not doing. Whether he was getting the help he needed (or the help I thought he needed) I called him frequently..checked up on him constantly. He consumed my life, my thoughts and my dream.s
You have found a support group about a year earlier than I did. Good for you! This will help you immensely!

I don’t think that it is ever healthy for anyone to jump from one relationship to another with no break in between. Even the worst of relationships need to be mourned and grieved. If we don’t take that time, the same problems will resurface, over and over.

So no, I personally would say it isn’t healthy that your wife is involved with anyone else, especially when you consider that the parties are married. It is not a healthy relationship and it is doomed to failure, I would say. Just as my husband’s relationship is doomed to fail. But there is nothing we can do about that.

Your wife has to figure out her own way, and make her own mistakes. You can’t help her now. You are the one who needs help. The woman you love betrayed you and walked out on you. Your heart is deeply wounded, and you are in immense pain. Worrying about her will not help you heal your broken heart. It will keep you in pain even longer.

As hard as it will be, you need to let her go and reshift your energy onto YOU. Not her. Her relationship with that man will only bring you pain (believe me, I know) The best thing you can do it get away from it and her so you can start to heal.

This won’t happen today. Probably not this week, or this month. Knowing where you need to go is one thing…actually making the trip to get there is quite another. It takes time and patience and LOTS of love and acceptance.

Please keep posting…I don’t care if you say the same thing 20 times a day. I know I did, and the people in my life just kept listening and encouraging me along my path. It WILL get better- I promise you this!

(((HUGS)))

kc

July 26, 2005
8:39 am
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SexySadie
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Once again KC has hit it on the nail...KC...you need to become a Therapist!! You are such the inspiration.

Just Lost...I am sorry to hear about this...I too am going through the same thing. I too struggled with NC but now found through various readings on the net that have convinced me that yes "Setting them Free" is really the best thing to do for you and for THEM. When you set them free you allow yourself to sit back and rediscover who you are. It also lets them rediscover who they are. Yes they are in the arms of another, painful as it is for all of us going through this...but it's their way of masking the pain. We're dealing with our pain and in the end we will all be healthier for it.

Here is a link to a great site that helped me think things through:

http://www.family.org/married/.....019167.cfm

http://www.illinois-family-law.....oAvoid.asp

July 26, 2005
8:48 am
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dazed and confused
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I think when you jump from one relationship to another that is called rebound, I can say that because I have done it. The person will seem so perfect understand you completeley, everything you ever wanted...but its all a fantasy and reality will slam you back on your face harder than ever. That's my experience anyway and I think it's text book.

July 26, 2005
3:16 pm
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kathygy
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Just lost, Put the focus on you and taking care of you. I know it hurts but you need your own attention. Trying to figure out if your wife is doing the right or wrong thing is a waste of time. Get the focus off of her and you will feel better. Let her go and make her own mistakes. Don't spend time trying to analyze her. It'll only keep you hooked. Someone who takes care of themself is very attractive.

love,
kathy

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