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Codependent Mom/Daughter
July 3, 2007
9:14 am
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MissThaing
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September 24, 2010
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Hi, everyone. This is a new site for me, and I think it is great.
I am a recovering alcoholic and codependent with two years of sobriety and therapy for codependency issues. I have been relationship-free for two years, and I have never felt stronger or more peaceful. I am having, however, a lot of problems with my mother, who is also codependent, and doesn't want treatment.
I try to choose my battles with her carefully. A lot of her behaviors and comments I ignore. But lately, it seems like she has hit a very rough patch.
She is very panicky, and has almost exclusively codependent relationships, even with her handyman ("If it wasnt' for him, I couldn't live in
my nice house!") My baby fell down when he was toddling around, and starting rattling off everything I was supposed to do to prevent him from ever falling again. My son made a joke about his private parts, and my mother accused his father of molesting him ("Where else would he learn comments like that?") I got a pimple, and had a sore knee, and she starting wringing her hands ("Is it Lupus? LUPUS?") I asked her to stop, and said her behavior was irritating me. She stalked off to her room, and refused to come out for half a day. When she came out, I restated what behavior I wanted stopped, and why, then I said "I dont' think that my request is all that extravagant." It was sarcastic, and not helpful. She sat down, pounded her fists on the furniture, wailing "Leave me alone! Just leave me alone!" I said "Well, I guess it was extravangant after all." I'm sorry, I just feel so turned off and frustrated. l don't even want to be near her when she is like this .
I have two years of sobriety, and family members approach me and tell me she asks them if they think I have been drinking. That hurts, because she sits there and counts how many meetings I go to, and praises me to my face for all my hard work. I know it's hard to trust an addict, but what else can I do, and for how long?
She also hoards items, and refuses to clean out her refrigerator. I know this is caretaking behavior, but I do clean her fridge for her. Otherwise, she gets food poisoning. The first time I cleaned it, I found three year old food. I have to wait until she is out, though, otherwise she stands there and gets very agitated, going "oh, oh, OHHH!" whenever I toss out an item.
Sometimes I feel so frustrated I could explode.I have very few people who know about her to talk to.

July 3, 2007
11:08 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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September 24, 2010
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how old is your mother?

I know of the behaviour you speak of, but it isn't so much codep. that she is exhibiting. Not to say she isn't.

Her fridge situation - many older people have trouble throwing food away - it goes back to the depression era when food was scarce - so they resist throwing food away because it feels like a waste, plus, they fear going hungry again. I have dealt with MANY MANY MANY elderly women who have the NASTIEST fridges...in fact, I cleaned the fridge out of my BF's mother last night...with food in there three years old...my ex landlord had food in her pantry from 13 PLUS years AGO!!! My grandma's fridge was frequently the site of many science experiments. And all of them cringed as I threw stuff away.

Second - her panicky behaviour - again, a symptom of aging...many elderly people have HUGE fears. It gets worse as they get older. I think the sense of dying, or being hurt and having nobody to care about them really hits a nerve and they start thinking alot about stuff they can't control. My grandma won't live in a house with a furnace, for fear of it catching on fire. She is afraid of fire, afraid of not getting out. It has gotten ALOT worse as she has gotten older. She is very fearful and if I talk about things my daughter or I are doing, she gets aggitated and anxiety and starts asking me questions about what if we get hurt or you can get hurt doing that and lists all the ways you can get hurt. She questions EVERYTHING with a very frustrating sense of compulsion.

This applies to many ailments too, elderly people frequently get to be hypochondriacs and worry about all the ailments...again, goes back to them not being able to control it, AND the sense of impending death as they age.

Her temper tantrums? Now - that is a whole different story, but again, part of senility and perhaps alzheimers...they get frustrated very easily...their behaviour reverts back to toddler behaviour sometimes.

It could easily be senility or alzheimers from what you talk about. Please have her get a doctor's checkup...alzheimers can be helped in early stages...but if it's either, you may need to start thinking about her future needs and caretaking needs.

Do you have siblings you can have help with this situation?

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