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Codependent Guy here...Crazy, I know :)
May 4, 2007
6:47 pm
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RugbyDaveAK
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September 27, 2010
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Hey hey

How nice to stumble across this board! It's always good to meet some other good folk that you can relate to.

At any rate, Im a 26 year old graduate student living in Fairbanks, Alaska. I love it up here, and I generally love life. I'm gay, and have only had two relationships, one for about 2 years, which was great (until I found out he was cheating... that quickly got nipped in the bud!), and my new one, with a guy I've just met. Regardless of sexual orientation, relationships are all the same.

The thing is this: I've identified myself as being somewhat codependent. I wasn't raised in an abusive household, and I can't figure out why I feel the way I do. I love my family, and I have great support from all around me. I just feel like people are going to get bored with me and move on, as a few good friends have done before in my life. I feel like I must be "needed" in my relationships, and I really hate not spending time with my guy. I am very loyal, and envision a nice life, spending time with someone you love. I've heard I can be a bit 'smothering' at times, but its on rare occassions.

Ya know, I just feel like, this is who I am, and Im beginning to be ok with it, I dont see what's so wrong with wanting to love someone and spend time with someone you love.

I feel like I have a hard time saying 'bo' to people, and I do like to smooth things over. However, when there is a real problem, I enjoy talking about it and getting it out -- its very liberating. Perhaps I am in the stages of getting through this, but I still feel so unfulfilled sometimes. I feel so sad If I dont hear from my boy for a few days, but doesn't everyone?

Where does being a normal, loving person stop and where does a codependent begin? It's a hard question, and Im sure specific to each different person, but sometimes I just feel so different from everyone else. I have stayed in my last relationship when I knew I shouldnt.. i thought if I was good enough, he'd change, but it ended up with me finding out he went behind my back a few times, then he lashed out physically one day. that was the kicker for me. I promised myself I'd move up from then on. He's tried to come back a few times, and I've said no each time.

I'm now with a great guy, but I still have these feelings like he's just going to leave me -- someone 'new' or 'cooler' will come along. It's only been a month or so now, but I just freak out sometimes.

sorry this is so long, its just nice to have a forum to talk about this!

thanks for listening,
i'm dave!

May 4, 2007
7:15 pm
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Honolulugal
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September 30, 2010
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Hi Dave!

Welcome and cheers...lots to learn here from lots of us who are Coda and know and care how ya feel.

Post away, read and absorb. You'll feel lots better soon, I daresay.

Aloha for now!

H-gal

May 5, 2007
8:11 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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September 24, 2010
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welcome...you are right, sexual orientation doesn't mean squat...relationships are relationships.

I guess you would have to go back to your family origins and see if there is anything that shows that your family life wasn't as good as it seems. Sometimes we THINK we had it good, but the more we learn about what dysfunctional means, we realize that it wasn't so perfect after all.

You sound like you are insecure and perhaps have some kind of abandonment issue. Feeling like someone else is better and will take your place or feeling like you will lose someone, so you hold on too tight.

I don't know much about your relationships, but it's also possible that the last BF cheated, set you on edge about your worth or being abandoned...did you have these feelings prior to him?

Perhaps you just need to recover from that pain?

I was cheated on, and I know it destroyed my ability to trust people.

Does your new guy do things that "trigger" trust issues?

How supportive of your sexuality is your family?

Keep reading and writing here...read codependent no more...tho I don't see what you wrote as totally codependent....we all have "bad days" where we do unhealthy things....the only way to know if you are codep. is if you constantly repeat these patterns...but what you describe sounds more like esteem issues or abandonment, perhaps due to the previous guy cheating.

May 5, 2007
8:29 am
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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September 29, 2010
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Hey Rugby, you are not alone. I am also a gay codependant male. So I can relate to you. I know what it's like to feel uneasy about someone decding to leave or break it off with. Glad you posted. I'll keep a lookout for you.

May 5, 2007
8:43 am
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courage to change
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September 24, 2010
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Just wanted to say welcome,I can relate to exactly what you are saying with the relationship stuff.

Without going into my personal life too much, I was also cheated on (in a distant relationship)and found it very difficult to trust, especially in my last relationship. Anyhow, that last relationship was not healthy enough for me, so after two years I moved on. The warning signs were there all along, but I chose not to see them.

However, I am now with my present boyfriend, and I get slight feeling of insecuries. So they have lessened. He doesnt seem to trigger off in me that much of my insecurities. My confidence has grown. And to be honest, I dont care what he does. All I now is I value myself more, and if he wants to be with me great, and if he doesnt so be it. Plenty more fish in the sea that will appreciate me.

Coda helped me immensely, and that I am eternally grateful for. The only requirement for Coda is a desire to have healthy and loving relationships. So welcome !!!!!!!Something in which I am trying to strive for in my personal life.

So keep coming back, talking about your insecurities, and whats going on, and eventually the rest will take care of itself.

p.s. learning to love myself has also helped.

Best wishes xx

p.s have only been on this site for about 3 weeks and have already noticed so much within myself. Its a wonderful help, with some great support.

May 5, 2007
8:58 am
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sad sack
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Dave from Alaska,

Welcome to the site. I think you will find tremendous support here if you seek it out. I am continually overwhelmed with the wonderful and wise comments that I received here.

With regard to your situation, I do think you have some elements of codependency going on - your neediness, your desire to "smooth" things over, your inability to say "no", your sticking around when things are clearly over. Your awareness that these traits may indicate a problem, is definitely a positive thing. Awareness is always the first big step in the road to recovery. Have you read the book Codependency no More? That book has helped me (and others on this site) tremendously. I strongly suggest it.

I understand (and relate to) the insecure feelings. I am like that also. And the fact that you were cheated on only added to your feelings of self doubt. In terms of the new guy, I would suggest backing off a little bit. No one likes to feel smothered. It will only push him away (quickly). Perhaps, involve yourself with activities and with other people. You should not revolve your whole life around this guy. You will come across more interesting to him, if you have other interests (other than him). It will take some of the pressure off of him. He should not be your whole entire world. That is too much of a responsibility for him to handle.

You sound like a great guy and I truly hope that this current relationship works for you. Keep on posting and know there are so many people here who are willing to give you the support/encouragement that you are looking for.

Sad Sack from New York

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