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Codependent clarity
June 10, 2006
11:46 am
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tiedupinknots
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You could put her stuff into storage and give her the key. Tell her you paid for 2 weeks or something if you really want to get on with your life. Don't wait for her to release you. That is victim think. Get on with your life now. It is the only one you remember so make it all that you can be. You can do it! 🙂

June 10, 2006
12:02 pm
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lightchaser
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(((Southwinds)))) She is just extending the agony for you . . .I am so sorry. The storage thing is a really good suggestion, but maybe you just don't have the strength for that right now. I am reading from your posts that you are just wiped out. Can you jusr rest this weekend and not answer the phone or the door. If you need to talk we are here, you don't have to talk to her. It sounds like you need some time to just relax and maybe just sleep. It can do wonders. I really feel for you and hopw you are doing alright

June 11, 2006
12:34 pm
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southwinds
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I decided to put all of her things into the back bedroom, where I could close it off and not see it.

She is still just coming over at random times, only for a few minutes each time. She is either checking up on me, or inserting herself because she can.

God it's lonely here. So quiet now. The noises I used to be annoyed by would be welcome now I think.

June 12, 2006
10:35 am
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2alone
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Time for a change of scenery my friend. Get out - away from the house where there are too many memories. I find taking a walk helps clear my mind. I look at nature, I look at archetecture - anything that will get my mind off from life's problems. I find if I sit and dwell on my current state in life I get bogged down. Eventually you'll realize what she taught you will bring you one step closer to the love and happiness you deserve for your life. Granted its a very painful step - but you will get there if you keep you chin up. Please don't cut yourself off from family and friends...use them now...lean on them.

June 12, 2006
12:37 pm
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talamwa1
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southwinds
I really do not post here but your story hit a nerve. I am in a relationship with my GF for over a year. While she is not abusive her lack of caring is so apparent. It is sad to think I give so much and except so little back. I know this is not right but find myself unable to get out.
I feel for you cause I see this as my enviable conclusion to this relationship. I know I will be going through the same things as you are. I know it will be so hard. I feel your loss. I guess we just have to believe in the fact that somewhere out there, there is a person for us who will give back what we put in to the relationship.

Good luck

Wayne

June 13, 2006
10:12 am
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southwinds
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I'm feeling alot of jealousy today. I am jealous that she is spending time with (and probably sleeping with) this guy. It's not fair that I put in all this effort and time and put up with so much, and he just pops in and says all the right things, and gives her things to ease her pain (coke) and he can just move in on her.

What about my caring that she not make a storm of her life? Was that for nothing? Why am I the one that is suffering, when I am the one doing the "right" thing?

Life is so unfair most times. Its just not right.

June 13, 2006
10:23 am
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2alone
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I agree - life is unfair. Its hard to watch someone you love move on with a different person. I currently have an ex-boyfriend that emails me and asks me questions like: "was the sex with me good? I just want to be sure that I'm good enough for her (new girlfriend)" If I was smart I'd tell him where to jump - but instead I answer his questions and always bolster his ego. I know its because I still love him and my self esteem stinks. Would it help if you made a list of her bad qualities and the bad things she has done to you during the relationship? Seeing them in print - trying not to minimize what happened to you. Realize that she won't change and that she'll bring the same behavior to her new "relationship" may help you.

June 13, 2006
10:29 am
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southwinds
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I spoke to my therapist yesterday morning, and she told me just that. When I start thinking about her being with another guy, think about all the bad things she did to me, and feel sorry for him.

I am trying that, its just hard. I am really repressed the bad things in order to keep my sanity while in the relationship. So much in fact that I really have to think hard to come up with bad things. Though the entire relationship was filled with them.

I guess its like looking to drugs to relieve your pain, I looked to delusion to relieve mine, and now I am addicted to it.

June 13, 2006
10:57 am
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2alone
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I agree - I really suppress the bad in other people - I did it in my marriage a lot. During the divorce I started a journal and I was amazed at the abuse - physical and emotional that he put me through that during our marriage I would gloss over or forget even happened. With boyfriends I do the same even though I have a much lower tolerance for mistreatment. Write it down is my advice. You'll be able to look at it - hold it - even add to it as things pop into your head. If you want you can also make a list of what you love about her - my guess is that as time goes by the negative list will be longer or have more "deal breakers" on it than what you love about her. And make sure you list the qualities of both the sober her and the her on drugs...they both exist and you can't make her give up one side of herself. I wish I could hug you and make the pain go away.

June 13, 2006
11:08 am
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southwinds
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Thats the messed up part... My logical mind knows that the parts that I "love" about her are so few that I could probably count them on one hand. But because I was in denial about it, I made them what she was all about.

I'm just jealous now. I hate feeling this was, certainly to someone who really doesn't deserve my jealousy.

I spend too much time thinking life should be more fair and that instant Karma should happen more. I really need to not concern myself with her. I know this.

But damn this heart won't give up.

June 13, 2006
11:11 am
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2alone
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Ok - back to my original advice - go out - get away from your house - get fresh air and see something new. Let your mind be taken up with something besides your thoughts of her. It won't take your mind off her completely but it should help.

Do you know you deserve better than what she gave you?
Do you understand that once you've mourned this relationship that you will have the opportunity to find someone that will love you for you and treat you with respect?

June 13, 2006
11:16 am
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southwinds
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Oh yes... I realize that once I am over this that I will look back and laugh at how silly I was being to grieve something so mentally abusive.

I do need to get out. She isolated me so much that I have so few friends now. God, I sound depressing... Thank you for your persistant advice 🙂

(((2alone)))

June 13, 2006
11:52 am
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2alone
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Thanks for the hug - I needed that today.

I know the pain of being cut off from your support system/friends. It hurts not to have them there right now. Reach out - even if its just to go to dinner with one of them. Try to focus on them not you for an hour. That will bring you temporary relief and it will brighten your friend's day to have someone think about them and listen to them. I'm learning you can't always do this or you risk losing yourself and your needs - but to re-establish friendships and support its a good start.
I wish I could give you my email address to be there for you when you're down rather than share everything with everyone here...but I suppose that what this board is about.

June 13, 2006
12:09 pm
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southwinds
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Thats a good point. I've always been so critical of myself when I "need" to get support from something (why I would never use drugs or alcohol to escape). I feel I should be able to just do it, and be stronger for taking the high road. But alas, I am weakened now, and need all the support I can get.

You've made me feel much better, 2alone. I don't feel as under the weather as I did earlier. I want you to know that you brightened 1 day today 🙂

June 13, 2006
1:38 pm
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2alone
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Thanks Southwinds.
See horrible life experiences do help...I could relate better to you and help! LOL
In your opinion should I continue a "friendship" with my ex-boyfriend and listen to his new "family" life and answer his questions and feed his ego or should I just cut him off. In his defense the above described conversations are few - the majority are about work, joint friends and general conversations about our individual lives. Why do you think he needs my affirmation when he has a great girlfriend?

June 13, 2006
1:48 pm
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southwinds
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Should you continue? I think you are simply indulging him and giving him the best of both worlds (he probably doesn't have the communication with his new "girlfriend" that you two have).

My question to you is this... What are you getting out of the interaction? Are you clinging, or simply using this as a method to move on? I would guess that he would love to keep you as a friend, but would that be good for you? If it hurts, now may not be the time for you to give to him. Allow yourself time if you need it.

You sound like a really great girl, and it is sad that he didn't see that when he had the chance.

June 13, 2006
2:08 pm
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2alone
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You are full of compliments today South. I am getting some closure - especially today. I told him that I was nervous in my current relationship because the current guy tells me how wonderful,great, fabulous I am and that he intends to marry me which is exactly what he had told me in the beginning and then one day he just started not being available and did everything in his power to have me break up with him. Now I'm almost positive that the new guy will do the same thing to me and I'm scared to death to give him my whole heart. The ex has assured me that it was him and that had we met at a different time in his life that we would still be together...and it helps but writing this to you now it still is short in the way of explanation.

I know I feed his ego. He has self confidence issues to the max which was a bad thing when we were together. He's also co-dep. which was challenging. I guess I feel this need for his approval - to make him say - "I want you back I was a fool." which we all know ain't never gonna happen. LOL

South, did you call a friend and set up a time to meet? Watch a game? Eat dinner?

June 13, 2006
2:37 pm
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southwinds
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I know alot of guys offer the "I'm prince charming" line as assurance, and some mean it, you just need to be sure you are feeling "right" in the situation, and that the ghost of boyfriend past isn't simply haunting you into feeling insecure.

I know all too well the "I want you back" thing heh... Even if its awful, you still think you want it back.

I haven't set up anything yet. Still stuck at work...

June 13, 2006
2:44 pm
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2alone
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Interesting point...I'll need to think about that. I always put others first and that has been my down fall way too often.

Stuck at work myself...I suggest sending an email to an old friend to say hi. Or call to make plans for this weekend with a friend. You could also look up what is happening in your city and try something new. Rediscover yourself. Have something to look forward to in your life. 🙂

June 13, 2006
2:50 pm
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southwinds
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I agree, I do need to look forward. Tired of always looking back hehe. It's been so hard to concentrate at work lately. Its been a fog for me. Thankfully its a place where no one knows what the hell I do, so I can get away with it.

June 13, 2006
3:01 pm
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2alone
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I hear ya.. he he...I hope they never take away my computer or figure out how to do my job!

You sound a little happier now - keep up the good work! I learned in college psych that if you smile and breath deeply through your nose it tricks your brain into thinking you're happy....let me know if it works

June 13, 2006
3:07 pm
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southwinds
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Breathing, when I feel a panic coming on, has helped me tons and its stopped it in its tracks.

I wonder if it would be such a bad thing if I could talk privately with you instead of on the forums here? I have to say that you have cheered me up quite a bit 🙂

June 13, 2006
3:18 pm
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2alone
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Deep breathing - always a good thing...keeps you from being a lovely shade of blue.

Ok - we can chat as long as we keep this fairly anonymous and for support/advice/friendship purposes. How do you propose we contact eachother???

June 13, 2006
3:42 pm
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southwinds
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Hmm I guess I could give you an e-mail address.. Hope I don't break any rules heh -- sevlor at gmail.com

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