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Codependent clarity
June 6, 2006
11:44 am
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southwinds
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Now that I look back on it, the whole relationship was about my giving and giving in an attempt to fill the voids of what was missing. She was always so self involved. And I always hoped that she would change. That she would throw me a scrap. Something that showed that she cared.

As time went on, her yelling became screaming. Her pushing became hitting. I'm a big guy (6'3) and getting smacked around by someone who I loved and wanted to be with was very damaging to my self-esteem. But I forgave. I always forgave. Too quickly it seems now that I look back on it.

Last month she turned to cocaine. The lies, the hiding, the deceit. I turned into a snoop. An overpossessing boyfriend that was looking for things to be hurt. Looking for that baggy of white powder, and I would always find it.

Last week she went out every night until 8 am. She has started talking to this "platonic" male friend of hers.. sometimes for hours. I found out that she and he did coke on my dining room table when I was away on a business trip. All with her little 6 year old girl in the other room asleep. I tortured myself by thinking I sent her to this. That I somehow failed her and her daughter. 5 years of a rocky turbulent relationship, now comes to this.

As I speak, she is slowly moving her things out of my place. She is moving in with this "platonic" guy. I'm not sure I could think of a scenario that would be more hurtful than this. I am losing someone who I thought I loved, and I am losing her daughter that I was a father to for 5 years. It is so hard for me to let them go, knowing she is still a raving cokehead.

I went to a psychologist the other morning. I felt renewed. I realized it wasn't my fault, and that she needed to find out for herself what she was doing wasn't good for her or her daughter.

I still wake up at night and have a panic attack thinking (in some ways wishing) that I hear the door and she is finally coming home to me. To stay. Without the drugs. It's never her, and I try to get back to sleep.

Mornings are so hard for me.

June 6, 2006
11:58 am
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lollipop3
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(((southwinds)))

June 6, 2006
12:04 pm
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lightchaser
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((((Southwinds)))) Your post breaks my heart. You sound good though. You sound like you will get through this and you realize there is nothing you could have done. 5 years is a long time, espessially in a childs life. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are the only stable figure she has had in her life. I'm sure that part is painful for you too.
My H is an alcoholic and sounded a little like your wife/girlfriend. Never satisfied. Always thinking about himself and never me or our daughter. he just couldn't see past himself. I left 4 months ago and struggle with the guilt every day. He is just getting worse and I am afraid he may kill himself. Like you- I have to know that I have a right to peace. my daughter has a right to peace.
You have a right to be loved and not sit around waiting to be thrown a scrap. Oh- I remember that all to well. Waiting and waiting on valentines day. Nothing. Wanting to be appreciated. Dying for someone to be nice to me.
She may get worse, but believe me, this is the beginning of your life. Take care of yourself and treat yourself kindly. I'm here to talk if you want.
Love- Light

June 6, 2006
12:46 pm
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southwinds
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Even now I feel like I am losing someone that was the most special person I have ever known. Guess I have some insight into what its like for a addict to give up their fix.
So much illusion my mind has created. So many potholes it patched. So many memories that were never as good in reality as I recall them now.

Why do I hurt for someone that was at best... there.

June 6, 2006
1:22 pm
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Rasputin
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(((Southwinds))) My heart goes out for you. I have never been in a situation like that, but I promise to keep you in my prayers.

~ Blessings~Ras~

June 6, 2006
2:01 pm
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lightchaser
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southwinds- we grieve an illusion

June 6, 2006
4:50 pm
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tiedupinknots
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Addictions financially and emotionally ruin families. I don't know if you are asking for advice but I could tell you what I would do and have done. I'd try and talk to her about how you can support her and her daughter even if she is living with this other man.

See if she will give you some visiting rights. Try and be there for your little girl. She will need you more than ever if she has two active addicts pretending to parent her. Maybe your partner will let you take care of her while she just blows her life up her nose.

I'd recommend Alanon so you can understand how to detach with love. Don't let her take you down. Try and get some help for her even if you have to call the cops on her. Maybe going to jail will help wake her up and you can get your girl back. tough love, do it, make the call.

I called the cops on my man. They said they couldn't press charges as it was his first time and it looks like more an accident. He had thrown our boy across the room onto the bed but he impaled his foot on the frame. I was told by my counselor and sponsor to use that against him to get some help.

I'd use her coke habit against her to get her some help. If she cleans up she will thank you and so will your daughter. If she doesn't clean up she will die quickly. So either way you do her a favour to blow the whistle on her illegal activity.

She hurts your little girl by moving her out of the own stability she has ever known, you. I don't know how strong you are but try to be strong, even in your fear take action it is the mature thing to do. Or if you can't then don't and let them go.

Don't beat yourself up about your decisions though. Like people say here it is all an illusion. Love is the only important thing. You can just send them the light and pray for them if you have to go to keep your own life. You have to be first. Please keep us updated. Good luck! 🙂

June 6, 2006
8:56 pm
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Jenni
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Hey, Southwinds...Boy, can I ever relate to your sitation! My former fiancee, had an XW like this. She is TOTALLY out of control!! But even after he and I got together, I noticed he still had a weakness to her, and trying to help her.

However, I suspect that he might have been involved in some of the same things, just by certain behaviors that would come out of no where. My XH was on drugs, so I know the signs.

Bottom line, here, SW. Life is about choices. We ALL have them and can only make them for ourselves, not another. We can NOT "save" or "change" another, only ourselves. I also suggest Al-Anon to you. It was the best wake up call I have EVER had! And yes, detaching from someone we feel love for, even though it's toxic, is like an addict going thru withdrawl. We crave for our fix.

Also, we always remember only the "good" times, and then we blow it up even bigger in our minds, than what it really was. We tend to forget the "not so good" times, and push those memories to the back of our minds. So if we are going to remember things, we need to remind ourselves to remember ALL of it. The good AND bad.

My main concern here, is the child. You might consider calling CPS, for the fact that this child is being exposed to drugs and God knows what else. The child is innocent, and does not deserve to be dragged thru the trash of her mother's actions. Just a thought. If this child can not be with you, then it may be best if she went somewhere else that is safe for her.

Take care, and just know that you are NOT alone in what you are going thru and feeling!! It's more common than you know.

Jenni

June 6, 2006
11:18 pm
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truthseaker
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Have you contacted a therapist yet? it may help. I am going through the same thing right now. Its heart breaking but, remember that some of your heart break stems from the "addiction" that you have to the relationship,and not because this person was a true love. Its hard for us to decifer the difference but, remember, a healthy love is one where you trust the absence of them, you can develop a healthy relationship with yourself before you can be with another person, dont be blinded by your emotions.

June 7, 2006
2:07 am
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he2art
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You sound like a good person. You deserve much better than having someone treat you so badly. Do you remember a time when you felt really great about yourself? Can you visucalize it? I have been focusing on those times myself and like magic my life has felt better.. I hope this doesn't sound too lame because I really know how bad it feels when some one you loved is abusive. I 'll hold you in my heart Take care of yourself.

June 7, 2006
8:16 am
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southwinds
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Thank you all for your responses. I am currently seeing a therapist, and it seems to be helping (she showed me the term codependent).

I admit that even in the relationship, before the drugs, I was burying the bad and celebrating the good. I knew I was doing it, and at the time saw it as a way to smooth out a rocky relationship. Not knowing how much of a psychological toll it would take on me doing that.

The child is hers (I'm not the genetic father, he lives far away). I've many times contemplated telling at least him what his child's mother is going through -- if not child protective services. The problem is that she still has most of her things in my place. She brought her toiletries and a few clothes to her new "platonic" friend's house. She comes over every evening after work to feed her daughter at my place, and talk on the phone and god knows what else to torture me. Then she leave at like 8-9pm and spends the night at his house. So she has a key, and frankly I am afraid of what she would do. She is unstable, and it wouldn't surprise me if she destroyed my things. Or had one of her new coke friends reak havoc on my life somehow. She has threatened me so much, I just want to walk on eggshells til she leaves.

I care alot about her little girl, and after she leaves I plan on telling the father the situation.

June 7, 2006
9:43 am
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southwinds
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She used to call me in the morning... It was the one thing she did that allowed me to think "gosh, she really does care about me".

Now every morning at the time she used to call I feel like crying my eyes out. I miss the little things, even though that is all I had from her.

I can't stop getting freaked out thinking about her being with this other guy. It would be so much easier if she was with family now. But this is eating me up inside.

I do this.. I relapse into selfish reason why she shouldn't be gone. I don't consider the big picture. I don't consider that she has a problem that I was enabling. I deserve better, I know. But right now I have nothing. Nothing but my sadness.

June 7, 2006
3:11 pm
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southwinds
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Every afternoon now, I have to stress out about the fact that she comes over, arranges a few things, feeds her daughter, grabs a handful of clothes, then leaves.

I feel like my healing is being compromised. She is delaying moving things. Probably a huge task (I have offered to help in any way).

Watching her come in my house and then leave to his each night is tearing me up inside.

June 7, 2006
4:30 pm
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tiedupinknots
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You are being abused. Change the locks on your doors and shove all her stuff out into the yard, stairs whatever. That is just too cruel for words what she is doing to you. I seriously doubt that other man is platonic. I know because my man had a 'platonic' friend he would do drugs with and hey guess what turned out not to be so platonic. Doesn't really matter what her relationship is with him. All that matters is you and that poor little girl. Change the locks and make the calls. Keep us updated. I feel for you. Big hugs! 🙂

June 7, 2006
4:38 pm
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lightchaser
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I agree Southwinds. This is very abusive and manipulative. She is being a B***h! Sorry. It just makes me so mad to hear of someone being treated like that. She is treating you like some kind of pitstop, a gas station, someplace to fuel up and go on her way. Call protective services for the baby and shove her stuff out the door, lock the door and leave for a while so you don't have to deal with it. You can stand up for yourself!!
You sound like such a kind, caring person. Turn some of that kindness and caring towards yourself. What would you tell your best friend to do in this situation. Think about that and follow your own advise.
(((SW))))

June 7, 2006
10:37 pm
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Jenni
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It's funny how we allow this type of behavior in our lives, when our emotions are so out of whack. If we were in our right minds, at the moments these things are happening, we would NOT tolerate it.

If you feel the need to allow her back in your home again, try to tell her that this will be her last visit, so she should grab what she needs right now, then say goodbye.

I KNOW how very difficult it is to do this. But there has to be a line drawn for the sake of boundries, so it will be clear to her where she is permitted to "walk". Otherwise, she will continue with this pattern, only to take it to yet another, painful level. She is only doing this because she *can*.

My thoughts are with you, keep us posted!

Jen

June 8, 2006
9:09 am
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southwinds
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I have told her that she has 2 weekends to get everything out. Seems to me that it would be enough time.

I don't want to cause trouble, as she is very scary when she thinks she is being "messed with". She has threatened things, and frankly I want for my life to be at peace, and without conflict. If I were to take a strong arm stand now, it would just enflame things.

So I wait. Alot of me hopes she finds what it is she is looking for. I feel like she is a little bird with broken wings -- and it is the hardest thing I have ever done to sit back and watch her suffer (even though she doesn't even see it).

June 8, 2006
9:58 am
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I'm sorry you are going through this time in your life. Please know that you are stronger than you think you are at this point. Cutting off contact with her will help. I know you care very much for her child - I agree that calling protective services may be the key. Or if you know her relatives that may be able to care for the child please call them and tell them about the situation. My husband had rages like it sounds she has and I was and am scared of him...and I know the desire just to keep the peace. I also know the inner peace you will have from getting her out of your life. I personally would pack her things and have them ready for her to move out. Make it so she can get in and get out quickly. You may even consider having a third person you trust in your house while she moves so you can be somewhere else. The healing has to begin sometime and it has to start with your efforts because she is a user and will continue to use you as long as you will let her. Please know you aren't alone...the hurt will decrease over time...you will love again....and hopefully that love will be returned 10 fold because you've more than paid your dues.

June 9, 2006
8:56 am
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southwinds
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I don't feel very strong. In fact I feel damn weak. My life now is just this dull blur of time passing, with nothing that really means anything happening.

She came over last night for a couple minutes. I was surprised. She said it was good to see me, and that she missed seeing this place. Then she got on the phone and started laughing with whomever it was she was talking to. Torture. That was enough to freak me out for the night. Had an awful nightmare.

I know I shouldn't care who she is talking to, and I should be happy that she is happy. I know. But damn it hurts being so miserable and seeing her over "us" so quickly and easily.

June 9, 2006
9:09 am
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2alone
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That is the very reason why you need to cut off contact with her immediately. You have feelings for her she does not have feelings for you otherwise she would care that she's hurting you. And trust me she knows she's hurting you. You need to take time to take care of yourself...to realize that you are a valuable human being that should not be treated this way. (((southwinds)))

June 9, 2006
9:23 am
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southwinds
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The funny thing is that even when we were together and "in love" she didn't care about my feelings and that she was hurting me. If I was hurting, she would say it is my own fault and I need to get over it.

June 9, 2006
4:40 pm
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2alone
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Wow - that's just cruel. I know how easy it is to give advice when you're on the outside looking in and how hard it is to take when it hurts as much as it does for you right now. Just keep living every day. Limit or cut off all contact with her. Try to rediscover who you are and what makes you happy. Before long she will be a bad memory. Keep the faith!

June 9, 2006
5:12 pm
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chinita
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Oh wow I understand what your going threw. It's hard to deal with an addict. But don't let her hurt you anymore! She's just useing you because you let her. I agree with every one about totally limiting your contact from her don't let her just come over or let her in. It's hard but you have to do this for yourself. Your emotionally hurting yourself by letting her come around whenever she wants. It also sounds like it's been a unhealthy relationship if she never cared about your feelings. When you find yourself and get over the heartache which takes time you'll look back and say "What the hell was I thinking to have put up with this crap!"

As for the daughter that part is very painful to deal with. I pat you on the shoulder for worrying about her. The only thing I could say is maybe let this be the last conversation with her and tell her she should send her daughter off with a family member or let her stay with you till she cleans up her mess. Tell her sooner or later somebody will call Social Services and then what? She'll loose her in the system. Maybe that will scare some sense in her. That life style is the worst for children to go threw.

June 9, 2006
6:35 pm
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Jenni
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Unfortunately, the child's best intersts is not a top concern for her. Sometimes, even losing the child to the state does not jolt them into getting clean.

SW, the only way you ever will achieve the peace without conflict, is when you end the contact. Otherwise, one could only expect for the pain to continue. And it will, without a doubt. And the fear of enflaming the situation, is actually only *enabling* it. If we allow fear to hold us back from what is right, then it will take control of EVERYTHING.

Addicts only lookout for number one, and nothing else matters. Including loved ones.

The funny thing I've noticed, is when you DO finally back away, and disconnect, is when they begin to come around. And that is where the real strength is needed, to turn them away.

We only find the strength and security within ourselves, when we take time alone with ourselves, to allow the process to take place. And grieving the loss, is part of the process. We need to allow ourselves to feel it ALL, so it will exit our hearts and souls.

But this won't happen, unless we give it a fair chance. Yes, it is very PAINFUL. But at least it's the kind of pain that serves a true purpose, and has a goal. It's not *wasted* pain, because it has a destiny, which would be healing.

Anyway, keep posting, and let us know how you are doing. If you gave her 2 weekends, then make sure you back that up and mean it.

We're here for ya'! 😉

Jenni

June 10, 2006
11:33 am
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southwinds
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Well she calls me and says "I'm not going to be able to move anything this weekend."

Part of me is happy, because I won't have to see her for extended periods of time. The other part says "oh boy, here we go, she will never get this stuff out and let me go on with my life"

I am having nightmares every night now. I guess it has to do with the separation. I really feel alone now. It's so quiet here. Sometimes I think to myself that the deafening sounds of her yelling would be a welcome sound now, as the silence is eating away at me.

I want to thank you people for talking to me, and supporting me here. Its a place I feel I can come to to feel good. And that is worth everything to me.

Thank you.

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