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Codependent - advice appreciated
June 18, 2009
5:48 pm
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LifeandLack
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So the story goes: my whole life, I've felt like I "have" to be "in love" with somebody. Billions of crushes and flops later, I found myself in a long-distance relationship. At first, we were just friends for about 2 years, then he asked me to be his girlfriend. We were boyfriend/girlfriend for another 2 years. After I graduated from college, I moved across the country to be with him. We got married, and I talked him into moving back to my home area, where we've been for about 10 months.
The sub-story? When we were still boyfriend/girlfriend and in college, we talked about where we wanted to go with our relationship. He said he would move to be with me. Not two weeks later, he said "Forget that, if you want to be with me, you have to move." I moved against my better judgment and was miserable there. That was when I began to fall out of love.

I don't know what I was thinking to follow though and marry him. I guess I felt like I "had" to be married. My mom's always been pressuring me to be married.

So I didn't even love him when we got married a year and a half ago. Now he's having depressive spells, and has been going to a counselor on campus. They "discovered" that he's depressed because I don't love him. I don't want to leave him, but I don't know how to love him again, especially with the codependent thing cropping up. I'm a Dragon Lady style codependent--very controlling, but still totally unable to assert myself. I really hate myself for it, but don't know how to change.

I feel like nobody listens without criticizing, so I would appreciate some non-critical advice. Thanks.

June 18, 2009
7:58 pm
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Lanigirl
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Oh Life,

It does get so much more complicated when you're married. I'm a fellow Dragon Lady so I hear you.

I'm glad he's going to counseling. What do you think of the idea for yourself? Maybe in there you could get some ideas on how to change what you're doing so that it works for you.

June 19, 2009
2:46 pm
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LifeandLack
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Lanigirl,

His counselor suggested couples counseling for us, but the time the counseling center is open is 9:00-4:30... Given that I work 8:30-5:30, and my boss is rather unkind to requests for appointment time, and I'm not assertive enough to stand up to her, it's kind of a problem. We've talked about going though our church for after-hours couples counseling, but that really hasn't happened... He's wishy-washy about setting up appointments too, so neither one of us wants to be the one to arrange anything. But something does need to change.

Thanks for the suggestion. ^_^

June 19, 2009
3:59 pm
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Lanigirl
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Hey Life,

How about couseling just for you? Anything just for you through church? How about anything else in your area?

June 19, 2009
4:46 pm
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Xerxes
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Yes lifeandlack you will love alone counseling. I'm going and I refer to it as the time I get to just talk about me. Please make time for it. It will be so good for you.

June 23, 2009
11:56 am
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innerturmoil
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Hi life,
I am a fellow Dragon Lady also,,
you marriage sounds alot like mine, ive been married for almost 7 yrs now...
did you get married cause of pressure from family, i understand that too.. i felt that when i got married like it was what our families wanted for us and not what 'we' wanted....
im sorry you are in that situation..
i feel your pain.. maybe you should try alone counseling like suggested before.. i tried it some, i need to go again..
((LIfe))

June 25, 2009
2:38 pm
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LifeandLack
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Yeah, I understand that there is benefit to be had from therapy... But. I actually don't have that high of an opinion of therapists.

See, before we got married, we went to premarital counseling. And the windbag (counselor) didn't listen to a thing I said. For example, we did the PREPARE/ENRICH relationship questionaire, which showed I felt our relationship was in a very, very bad place. But he didn't address it at all. AT ALL.

Anyways, since I'm really not eager to return to counseling, I picked up a copy of "Codependent No More". A lot of people on this site have said that it's good. So, I'll be reading it soon.

And a big thank you to you who have replied. It's really nice to know that I'm not alone in this.

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