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codependency trait?
December 28, 2003
7:06 pm
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blondee
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when you do things often for someone and you get a thanks, much appreciated response..and later on bring up all the good things you did for this person and their answer is i never asked you to do any of those things and never received anything good in return is that being codependent?

December 28, 2003
10:26 pm
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Zinnie
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Hi Blondee,

I think the answer to that is yes.

Not saying you should not do for others. We all should, just as a general kindness. You know what I'm talking about. Holding the door for someone, giving a co-worker a lift if needed, etc.

But, I think when we try to hard to please these people, we are doing everything we can in our power - getting up early to make them breakfast, running all of their errands, doing without so they can have that extra whatever... then to be treated like dirt is another thing.

The best thing I can honestly say that I enjoy in my marriage is I feel like we both have the give and take. There are things he does for me all the time, and vice versa. Yet, when we do these things for each other, we always tell the other we appreciate it.

If my husband get's up, and we are sitting down her, either watching T.V. or reading, or on-line - he will always ask "can I get you anything while I'm up? Or, if I get up I give him the same courtesy, and if I do get him something he will always say thank you. If I run an errand and pick up a prescription for him, he will say "thank you I really appreciate that."

It is so simple to let these things slide, but in all honesty, I think that because of this we have a mutual respect for each other and what we do for each other.

Zinnie

December 29, 2003
12:12 am
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gingerleigh
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Doing good things for someone and expecting something in return generally *is* codependent, or at least is labeled as such. But I definitely understand how that feels though. Many times I feel like if I'm so good at anticipating other people's needs, shouldn't they be able to anticipate mine? Here I was, trying to show them what I wanted by doing for them what I wanted for myself, and getting nothing, and it sucked.

You know what? I didn't stop giving, but I stopped expecting. And if I really wanted something, I either got it for myself if it was material, or asked for it if it was emotional. And when I gave, I gave it from my heart and didn't expect anything in return, and you know, it helped a lot.

December 29, 2003
6:51 pm
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blondee
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Hi Zinnie,
Yes, i do understand what you are saying. My husband and i are pretty much the same with the thank you's and basic common courtesy. I was referring to the "otherguy" I would be him a lunch and bring him cold medicines and stuff for earaches and things like that..a birthday gift and cake..wrapping his kids xmas gifts..and i would get a thank you always..much appreciated but the only thing i got from him in 9 months was a t-shirt i wanted and even that was a shock. I think that by taking care of some of his needs i hoped he would need me in return. Now that i think about it i can say i've been used...haha they weren't kidding when they said Love is Blind.

Love,
Blondee

P.S. Hope your girl is feeling better today.

December 29, 2003
6:58 pm
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blondee
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Hi gingerleigh,

Yes i guess that is being codependent. I LOVE doing for other people but it does suck when you expect something..anything and get nothing. I think i am going to start the new year off with the things i learned from Zinnie, HarryO and you. I will start giving just from my heart. I have to learn to ask for the emotional stuff though..that is very very hard for me.

By the way..did Grandma survive Christmas alone alright?

December 29, 2003
7:40 pm
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gingerleigh
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Yup, Grandma did just fine by herself, thanks for asking!

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