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Codependency Issues
December 9, 2003
2:57 pm
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worrywort
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Earlier this year a long term relationship of mine ended. I had a tough time figuring out why exactly it happened. After going to some counselling I realized that I had some serious anxiety issues. I thought I resolved that and in July I met a wonderful new lady. Our relationship is great. She is a sweet caring girl who loves me with all of her heart. After a month of dating we were inseperable. We spent pretty much all of our time togetehr after I got home from work and since she had recently lost her job and her best friend to a move, she wanted to spend lot's of time with me. Of late however, she got a new job and is spending a lot of time at it. Because of this she comes home a lot later and plans tend to get thrown out the window. I now find myself mired in patterns of prior relationships where I am trying to manipulate situations into getting her to be with me whenever I want to. It makes no sense. She doesn't have too many friends so rarely does she do things without me. And when she is late, it is always because of work. I need to figure out a way to stop this vicious cycle before it kills something that looks like it can be very special. Last night we had a date to go see a movie and were to meet at 7:00 to have dinner prior to an 8:00 movie. Unfortunately, work got her hung up and she wasn't able to meet me for dinner until 8:00. I took a big step at dinner and asked her if we should try to stop making firm plans during the week since her schedule is so up in the air these days. She said she was sorry about that and that maybe it might not be a bad idea. I asked not to feel bad because I know that she would prefer to be relaxing than at work and that I was really interested in not pressuring her into meeting me and stressing her out and reducing her work quality. I think she appreciated it. I am a planner and I now hate that I don't know when I will be seeing her on a daily basis. How do I cope with this? Like I said it is ridiculous because I know she'll be home before long and she always will come home to me. Has anybody else had these problems? I would like to hear how you worked them out and if you think our relationship can endure this. I think if I do some adjusting we can do this.

December 9, 2003
3:06 pm
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mj
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Welcome WW!

I think your suggestion was wonderful. Now you could just implement some hobbies or joys alone and you have a nice package.

December 9, 2003
3:42 pm
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gingerleigh
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I went through this same scenario with my partner. Both of our schedules during the week were crazy. So one night during the week was "our" night. Nothing, not rehearsals, not work, would impede on that. It cut out a lot of disappointment on both our parts. And the weekends we reserved for each other as well.

Like MJ suggests, finding activities that you like to fill up those week night evenings when you're lonely will help you get through it as well.

Just curious, but is this going to be the permanent pattern for her at work, or is she just working overtime getting ramped up in a new role or for an important project?

December 9, 2003
4:38 pm
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worrywort
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Thanks to Gingerleigh and MJ for their responses. My lady said that this probably is just temporary because her partner was really backlogged when she arrived, but the nature of her work could entail many late nights in the future. I brought up the idea of a "us" night but she said that even that might be tough to do sometimes because if her boss has a deadline she has to meet it regardless. She said she can always make any special event with advance notice however and will be on the lookout throughout the week for days in which she can wrap up early and spend some extra time with me. As for me time, I plan on staring to work out again and seeing some of the friends I may have neglected to see the past several months. It's sad, but things just aren't as fun if she is not around.

December 9, 2003
4:47 pm
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gingerleigh
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You know, I smiled at your last sentence. It's OK if things aren't as fun without her around. Things SHOULD be even better with the love of your life nearby. Think of it like this... our lives are like a wonderful meal. Our loved one might be the delicious sirloin steak, but you need your potatoes (work friends) and broccoli (family) and dessert (Monday Night Football Club) too!

Your lady might be feeling gun-ho about work right now since it's new, but it will probably tone down once she settles into the new routine. And as the years go by, her priorities may shift as well, as might yours. Just keep those lines of communications open. Best wishes!

December 9, 2003
5:05 pm
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HARRYO
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When dysfuncttional behavior begats
dysfunctional behavior in a
vicious cycle codependency is
hatched. As we nurture this vicious
cycle we become sicker.

December 11, 2003
6:07 pm
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monicamarie
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December 11, 2003
6:14 pm
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monicamarie
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I agree with Harryo. It sounds to me like the issue here is not being able to let go of control. You have said it in your mind, you know she is caught up at work, you know she is going to come home eventually, but despite that, it makes you very anxious at the thought that things aren't being planned out. I display this very same characteristic to a T. I have a hard time letting things unravel as they will.
I know things aren't fun without her and I understand that you like to know the exact details of a situation, but you have to understand that, that is part of codependency. I don't think that it is too late to salvage what sounds like a very promising relationship, but you have to take a step back, identify the problem and then find a healthy solution to it. I think you made a great first step by coming here to talk about it.

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