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codependency in a relationship
March 11, 2006
8:50 pm
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kinny
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I have never done this before but am hoping to gain some collective wisdom from people on my current issue. I have had a 3 year secretive relationship which has been very restrictive socially but very good on other fronts. ie copatability love comfortable. My partner has grown tired of the restriction and has called it off REPEATEDLY and then called it on again. I have gone back every time and increasingly feel worse - more used hurt etc. We have no immediate way of opening up the relationship and he has met someone else during the jerking around. I know what he does to me is destructive but keep hoping he will "be there " for me. Is my hope stupid? Can he change his behaviour? Ps. He has a long history of infidelity

March 11, 2006
9:15 pm
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Randomwomen2
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It dosnt sound like a good relationship hunny he will only change if he sees a problem and wants to change unfortuatly we cant do that for them. If he has a long history of infidelity whats to say that he wont cheat on you if he gets the chance. You are worth more than being Jerked around and cheated on. And what exactly is a secretive relationship? are you married sorry I dont understand

March 11, 2006
9:30 pm
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hbdude2k
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You obviously are accepting who you are and letting this happen to yourself. For me, or for most people, this should not be tolerated. Look at yourself as a or as the best human being, the best anyone can get. Make you happy and not the jerks out there. Luck, ambition, ability, and talent can only take you so far. Without self discipline you don't have the main ingredient for making the most of your ability, talent and other natural gifts. Teach yourself some discipline and don't let others take advantage of your sorrows. Good luck and stay strong. You don't need a companion, instead take 90 days for yourself and see your life change for the better. The right relationship is within your happiness and not your wants and needs right now. Your always going to get the jerks because you are not a happy you yet.....

March 11, 2006
10:38 pm
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sdesigns
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Not to pry but why is the relationship secretive? Are one or both of you married? That in itself is a hurdle.

I think he has shown you who he is- from what you say he is destructive, he has a history of cheating, he's on again, off again. If this is what you really want, that is all you're going to get. If you can accept that, which it sounds like you can't, my advice would be to let him go and look for someone who treats you as you deserve.

You can't change him and I hope you don't revolve your life around trying to do that because in the end, you will end up w/ the short end of the stick and he will continue along as he has. You can only change yourself and set boundaries for what treatment you will accept.

SD

October 30, 2006
1:58 am
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ShawnO
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I have within the past week experienced one of the hardest times of my life, again. My fiance decided that she wanted to see other people and myself. When someone says that to me I feel like they want to break-up. I understand my codependency issues and have been in counseling for them in the past. However, it has been nearly two years since then. I can function independently but feel alone. Once in a relationship, I become a different person. When I met this woman, I was totally independent and she was extremely attracted to that. However, in the relationship I quit my job, moved in with her, and focused all my energy on her happiness, disregarding my own needs. I may lose her as a life-long partner, but I do not want to lose a friendship that has spanned the last three years. I love her deeply. Can anyone help?

October 30, 2006
2:15 am
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mamacinnamon
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Get the book "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. I think you you'll get the book and go thru it you'll understand codependency and what to do w/ it very well.

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.

October 30, 2006
9:42 am
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atalose
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Shawn,
Are you still living with her? How does it make you feel she wants to see other people? How are you going to handle her talking to you about other men?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 30, 2006
12:21 pm
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austSolution
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If she's your fiance and wants to see other people, you really should call off the engagement. Take control of your life. Do you want such a person in your life that isn't committed to you?

Also work on your issues as well.. as the relationship together. Don't lose yourself in the relationship. I KNOW that this is very hard for some of us to do, but that is necessary for a healthy relationship. Taking control of yourself is a first step.

sending you lots of good wishes and love

October 31, 2006
2:27 am
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ShawnO
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I have read pieces of "Codependent No More" while incarcerated for 14 months. My counselor insisted upon me doing so. It simply helped me understand the symptoms of codependency, not the ways to cope with it. But, like I said, I only read the parts she asked me to. As for living with my fiance. No. I am staying at my uncle's house. It is about a two-minute walk from her house. It was the only place I could go. I don't start work until the 1st. After that I truly feel I need to live on my own for a while. I need to find out what it feels like to take care of myself for once. I don't know how I will react to her talking about other men, but I intend to give her space and let her do what she needs to do for herself. It really makes me feel like she never wanted to be with me when she talks about seeing other people. It makes me feel left-out, like I am being abandoned, like I am being rejected, like I am a nobody. I wish this could all be over. I had thought about doing myself in so she would never be hurt or smothered by me again, but I talked to a crisis counselor and set up individual counseling sessions beginning Friday. I just want to be happy and feel alive, needed, and loved.

October 31, 2006
5:32 am
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samantha j
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I think counciling is great for codependancy just talking everything out and going back to previous relationships not only with partners but also with parents etc in your early childhood. Also spending some time by yourself not in a relationship to really get to know yourself, your wants and needs and to realise you will be ok if there is no-one in your life. Its a really tough thing to do but will be worth it. I know from my own patterns fearing someone will leave you and not been happy in your own skin is the quickest way to lose them i know its a big pattern i am trying to overcome but it needs to be done in order to feel happy and secure not just with yourself but also in relationships. As they say you always attract what you fear in relationships so maybe think about what your biggest fear in relationships is and try and work on that.

I hope this helps good luck

October 31, 2006
7:05 am
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spook
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I have recently gone through a breakup,what you wrote about feeling leftout,feeling abandoned,feeling rejected and feeling like a nobody is exactly how I have been feeling.I ended up in the hospital this weekend because of this.I just started working on me because I have gotten to the point in my life where I really want to be happy.It is by no means going to be a easy road to being healthy but I started working on me this weekend.One of the best books you can get is " Codependent No More"

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