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Codependency, I think...
January 3, 2006
12:31 am
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glitteratti
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I have been struggling for awhile with something, I'm just not sure what. At first, I thought it might be depression, but now I am thinking codependecy.

The background on this is that I have been feeling out of sorts--either just plain sad or numb/hopeless--for the large majority of time over the past month and a half or so. It started when I was experiencing a fight with a friend who also happened to be interested in romantically. While I did not think I did anything wrong, I continued to try to apologize. I would call and text him, but he would not take my calls. I would try to have other people call him and he would shrug any topics to do with me off. I finally told myself I didn't care anymore, which is when he decided he wanted to be friends again and I took him back.

Now, I am having the same problem with my best friend who tried to help me through the mess with the other friend. He had recently started hanging out with a girl that I did not like and I told him I did not like her. Mainly, I was scared that she would take him away from me or change him for the worse. He knows exactly how to push my buttons and exactly how I react to situations like this because he is my best friend and he was helping me through a similar situation just over a month before. He seems to love to push those buttons and despite telling myself that a friend who uses his knowledge of you to hurt you is no friend, and despite telling myself that I want to get out of this mess, I cannot help but think concurrently "no, I could never do that. He means too much to me."

I also have a history of hiding my true feelings behind a smile and basing my self-worth on how others feel about me. I pretend to be super self-confident, but I'm most definitely not. I hate myself a lot of the time for no other reason than a friend didn't laugh at a joke I made or brushed off a phone call I gave them.

I really do want help. I feel like whatever is wrong with me is slowly destroying me and has been for more than a dozen years now. Recently though, it has been hitting me like a bulldozer. I just do not know how to suddenly not care what people think of me. I dont know how to admit to people that about 50% of the time I am smiling and laughing, it is out of a sense of duty and nothing else.

By the way, I am 18 and have a family with a history of diagnosed depression and codependency issues. I've talked to my parents about getting me help, but I think they have really held out hope that I would be the normal one in the family and have more or less dismissed my feelings as teen angst or just "the blues."

January 4, 2006
7:32 pm
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growin4
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Hey there,

You were right to go to your parents with this. These conditions frequently appear hereditary. It's not anything to be ashamed of. If you need help, your not letting down your family. We don't pick these conditions for ourselves, they just happen to some of us.

You should talk to them again. Ask them how they knew they needed help because you think that you might as well.

Just don't suffer in silence and ignore your needs. Good luck

January 4, 2006
8:44 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey Glitteratti,

Sorry about your depression and the blues. Yes, I think it runs in families and I would suggest you to see a doctor. And whether it's depression or codependency it won't hurt to see a doctor just to ensure.

There is a good book about codpependency called "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie. If you logon coda.org, you will be able to attend coda meetings which are free.

Depression has no age and I remember the 1st time I had depression I was around your age and could not enjoy my life anymore.

So get help, go see a health professional ASAP just to be on the safe side.

~Love, Ras~

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