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codependency - everything in between
July 31, 2008
2:22 pm
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RunRhondaRun
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I've been feeling like my relationships are falling apart. The one with my 11 year old son, with my OCD boyfriend, with my Meth addicted-alcoholic sister, and I hardly communicate with my older brother.
I feel like I fell out of the social cirlce in more ways than one. I need help to understand, but I want to know I'm not alone.
Being 28, I feel I haven't accomplished much. I feel like I waste time worrying about everyone else's life, but my own. I'm almost certain I do. Every thought has been for my sister. Ever since she moved back with my parents, who I also live with along with my son, she has been up and down. She already had a drug addiction, however, she was pretty good at keeping it under control, or so it seemed. Obviously if you are addicted to something, things are bound to go haywire. She made really sorry decisions ever since 2000. In and out of jobs every 2 or 3 months at a time, she went a couple of years with no job at all..smooching off my parents. She had a great boyfriend for 4 years and he left her because he couldn't handle it anymore. She ended up being with some "gypsy" dude who literally used her for money when she got another great job with Amtrak and she lost it because of drugs and running off with this guy to motels. After this guy she ended up with another dude who deals drugs and had his own house and car. Lost everything within 6 months. He beats her up, he cheats on her, he calls her names, he is a mean guy to her. She goes back to him. I thought she was stronger than that. Because I was, I am...atleast I believe this about myself. I lost a lot of that strength though.
We grew up in a household where my military father had a humble gullible wife who took orders and if she slipped she'd get punished for it. Verbally or physically. It stopped when I told my father to stop it or we will leave. He stopped, but he still is a verbally abusive person only when triggered. He has changed a lot since I was a teenager.
I figured my sister would recognize when its a good time to leave.
For the past two years she has been the worst condition. And in those past two years I have consumed her negativity and I have made her the pinnacle of my relationship with my boyfriend. When he talks to me, I'm thinking about her and her safety. If she's doing drugs? Is she drinking and driving? Will I get a call from a jailhouse or hospital? I find myself snapping at him when things aren't right. I nitpick at everything he does that is wrong in my eyes. He has this OCD that triggers my anger and I get irate. So I start blaming everything on him. I start to tell him how I dont care what he has to say if he is sharing his interests with me or is excited about a movie that is coming out. I always tell him "what do you want?" In the meantime, I'm thinking of all the words I can say to try and make my sister feel better or that I can give her to make her realize her bad decisions. She recently was in a car accident, car totalled, shes just fine, but she got a DUI. It was the weekend where me and my boyfriend were going to a real important event. Comic Con. It was me and him and the kiddo. It was supposed to be a good time. I started off by arriving half and hour late to his house. He drove and after 20 miles out, he asked if I had the tickets. I did have them, but in my car and I remember taking them out of my purse...why? I dont know, but I know I was thinking of my sister. He was soo disappointed. When we talk, I'm never listening to him. Its like frustrating, but I dont realize how bad it really is until I see the consequences. But I dont learn from it either. I keep telling myself. Stop it.
My 11 year old son is the sweetest boy. so forgiving. so innocent and so into his computer and video games. I feel like I havent been giving him the time or day to really interact with him. He always wants to be with his friends or play games. I just feel like he is growing up so fast that I am not even aware because I consume myself in my sister's life. I dont want to be this way anymore. I want to be able to have a good time with my boyfriend and little boy...and not have it always end in an argument or fight of some sort or any negative energy around. I want to let go and move on. I want to be able to REALLY be ME and deal with MY problems, handle MY own. Hold to MY own. I want to give my boyfriend of 5 years a reason to trust that I am the woman he wants in his life and that I WILL support him and not nitpick on him and snap and be a brat. I want my son to know that his mom has complete control of her head and that he can come to me and not be afraid that I will yell at him or snap at him either.
I'm so stubborn and proud sometimes that I can't admit when I'm wrong or I will stomp off and be bitter or find a way to prove I'm right. I want to live life right. Positively right.

August 1, 2008
1:34 pm
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RunRhondaRun
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it will get better RUNRHONDARUN...promise.

August 2, 2008
3:26 pm
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Giggles_29
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((((RunRhondaRun)))), Well it seems you are already acknowleding that you are codependent and that you are ready to start making change. Welcome to the site. :o)

I totally understand what you mean by your 11yr old son growing up so fast. My little girl will be 4 in Sept and it seems impossible that she is already 4. I too feel at times I don't give her as much attention, interaction as I should. However, I am only one person, this week has been really bad because I had to move. WELL, I am going to make a concious effort to spend more time with her now that we are pretty much settled. There will be less tv, and more playtime for us.

Does your son like to go outdoors, like to a park, or the beach? Maybe you could set some time aside for just you 2 to go have some interactive time together.

I understand also the codependence with your sister. My xbf is a meth addict. He has been clean and sober for just about one year. For him, that's huge. I too used to let his life, his addiction, his needs & wants run my life. However, the day I had my daughter that all came to a screeching halt. It wasn't about him anymore. It was about me and her.

Anyway, the hardest thing for us codies to do is to let go. It's very frightening and change is very scary. However, over the past few years I have come to love and accept change into my life. I wouldn't be where I am today if I hadn't made change.
Here's a little saying that I absolutely love, when I get in a rut I recite it.

"If you don't change what you are doing today, all of your tomorrows will look like Yesterdays".

Have you thought of going to counseling? OR have you read any books on codependency? "Love is a Choice" by Paul Minirth was the first book I read in 2005. WOW, what a great book and there is a workbook that goes with it. The other one is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Keep reading and posting here on this site. There is a lot to learn from all the amazing people here.

August 4, 2008
5:29 pm
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RunRhondaRun
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Thank you for that intro. I appreciate it very much.
I do read Codependent No More, but up to chapter 2. So yes I have a lot of learning to do. =)
Thanks again

August 13, 2008
10:53 am
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cabinfever
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Wow. This is my first thread. I admire your courage and honesty. Willingess to change - a great place to start your journey.

August 13, 2008
4:22 pm
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Longshot
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I agree. I'm pretty new at this too, and it is great to be able to honestly share:)

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