Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Codependency and the in-laws
December 30, 2001
5:45 pm
Avatar
Sofia
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am newly married and having difficulties coping with some in-law dynamics. My husband's brother, Terry and his wife Jerri to be specific. Terry and Jerri are in thier late 30s' to 40s' and avid marijuana smokers, they have 3 children who are very rude and behave poorly. Both Terry and Jerri lost a parent to death while in thier teens and surely this has a very significant impact on their drug use and poor parenting skills. The problem is that my spouse is very close to Terry and Jerri and thinks the world of them,frequently choosing to protect their feelings and make excuses for them when they or their children are unkind to me. Jerri is makes jabs about me, i.e. remarks about my family and I have walked in on her kids saying negative things about me in front of a large group of my nieces and nephews. I am cautious about being unkind or seeking anykind of revenge on any of them because that is not a part of my makeup. However, I am starting to become angry and resentful towards them. My husband continues to make excuses for them. I feel pressure to get along with them and make friends because of my husband but I don't have much in common with them. My husband's mother, my mother in-law has enabled them for many years and Jerri is very territorial about her and feels additionally threatend by me. Any advice?

December 30, 2001
5:59 pm
Avatar
gypsygirl
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tell your husband how you feel then do what ever you can to avoind being around them. If husband does not like it, well he should be putting you first, cause he married you. Family is important, but when they abuse you emotionally like that, they can just go to hell. I feel it is to late to expect them to change, so just don't be around them. And if that is not possible, tell them how you feel. Tell them in front of everyone if nessicary.

Maybe they are seeing how far they can push you. You are a threat to them cause they do not understand you. I am sure you do not smoke pot, they are narrow minded and see only one point of view, their own. Let them know what you think of them and their lifestyle, rock the boat a little. see how stable they are in their stance. You might gain a little respect in the process

December 30, 2001
7:37 pm
Avatar
katie 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sofia,you mention that you are newly married. Take comfort in knowing that problems such as these ALWAYS have to be ironed out in every new marriage. I'm concerned though that your husband doesn't stand up for you. Perhaps he is still young and will learn to seperate himself from his family and thier ideals. In the meantime.......you may try avoiding them all together. When there are family get togethers say something like, "I'd love to go, sweetheart, really I would, but you know how it hurts and upsets me when they ......blah, blah, blah. Honestly, sweetheart, I'll miss you terribly when your gone, but I just don't think I'm up to defending myself against their comments today, I have such a headache!" AND THEN DON'T GO. Enough said, the problem now becomes HIS ! ! ! ! 🙂 🙂

Sophia I've been happily married for 20 years in March *smile*. During this time we've even managed to "like" each other most of the time, but we have always loved each other. Take comfort girlfriend, all marriages have wrinkles that need to be ironed !

December 31, 2001
1:05 pm
Avatar
Sofia
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Gypsygirl and Katie 2,I do believe that I must confront their unkind remarks instead of taking everything and hurting in silence. I must work on an appropriate way to do this. I believe that they do not understand me and because of that they are fearful of me and that causes them to feel threatend and therefore they act out unkindly towards me. This is hard of course because I have not had the support of my husband. Katie 2, you hit the nail on the head my husband is young and maybe he does not know how to handle this. Unfortunately, as long as he makes excuses for them and thier behavior, I risk angering him. He does need to do some growing and make my feelings a higher priority.
Thanks again for your thougths, they are appreciated.

December 31, 2001
4:41 pm
Avatar
katie 2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sofia, if you choose to confront them be sure to do it "kindly". Don't let your pent up anger get the best of you and blow your top, say things you'll regret. If you do, you'll end up being the "bad guy". Keep your cool, explain your feelings to your in-laws and let them run with it. Good luck ! ! ! ! ! ! 🙂

January 2, 2002
12:33 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You have a good idea of why and where their behavior comes from. The book the four agreements teaches us in detail how not to take things personal they are who they are and would be like this to any one. Be polite, keep the visit to a minium, your not going to change things, just learn how to make it easier for you and hubby. Let it go.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
32
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714261
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information