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Codependency and Low Self Esteem, does it ever get easier?
May 17, 2007
4:05 pm
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nappy
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MzKitty,

Take those thoughts and worries out of your head and put them in a jar and seal that sucker up real TIGHT.

Don't let your mind get caught up in those thoughts about him and whether or not if he calls.

You are putting to much on yourself before it even happens.

Life is too short to dwell on matters that don't have any major bearing on your life right now.

If you think that your heart is aching now, wait until he calls again with the same stuff and you haven't gotten yourself together yet. You are going to start feeling like this all over again.

Who want that? I wouldn't.

Nappy

May 17, 2007
4:06 pm
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MzKitty
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Nappy,

please bring the glue and tape, I think I need it right now...I'm having a down moment

May 17, 2007
4:07 pm
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MissNhimnotWantN2
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A person can only take so much.
It's up to you when how much you'r willing to take.

May 17, 2007
4:38 pm
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MzKitty
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OK everyone I really need your help now.

"S" just called me at work. I had to take it because it is here at work. He says that he tried to call me back last night, but he only tried my cell, and not my home, I didn't ask him why (I don't want to know). Anyway I just acted like nothing was wrong, he asked how my day was I told him it was great, but that I had another call and had to go, he just said ok, and we hung up! HELP! What do I do now????????????

May 17, 2007
4:43 pm
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MzKitty
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Would I be stupid to tell this guy that I need some space for a while????????? I guess I'm sitting here feeling like well if he did try my cell then I've been looking at this whole thing wrong today, but then I think well he could have called my home if he really wanted to talk to me.

May 17, 2007
4:48 pm
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At_it_Again
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Can't you see if he called your cell or not? It should be in the call history??

May 17, 2007
4:50 pm
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MzKitty
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I had my cell shut off when it was charging.....but he still could have called my house, or for that matter even if he tried my cell and it went straight to VM why not leave me a message so that I know he called? And not sit here in misery like I have all day and night last night?

May 17, 2007
4:55 pm
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At_it_Again
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Yeah, I say no excuse. Sounds like his way of trying to get out of it!
Knowing what he knew about you "almost" breaking it off seems like he would be putting in 150%, not 50, know what I mean?!

If you are having doubts, maybe it's best to take a break or just have "other" plans for awhile until you really think it through.

Sorry, did you say how long you two had been dating?

May 17, 2007
4:59 pm
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At_it_Again
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I just read back up and see that a couple of days ago he hadn't called you all day either. Seems like a common theme with this guy. Does he realize that you want to hear from him more often? I guess it depends on how long you have been together to expect more phone calls, but sometimes letting a guy know your expectations can help. Maybe he doesn't realize you want him to call more?

May 17, 2007
5:03 pm
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MzKitty
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at it again,
we've really only been dating a couple of months but have been talking since January. In the beginning he would call me every morning to say good morning, and hopes that I have a good day etc. etc. Now I'm lucky if I get 1 phone call a day. Pluse why wait until 2 p.m. to call me, why not early this a.m., especially when we were talking last night, and if he couldn't get me on my cell why not try my house, or even to call me this a.m. to say, hey I tried to call you back last night.....I'm so confused

May 17, 2007
5:11 pm
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At_it_Again
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Yeah, I was just trying to figure out if it was normal for him to only call once a day, so now it's hard to say if it's the normal slow down in a relationship or what. On the other hand, regarding last night, yeah seems like he would have tried harder.

Hard to say what to do. I would just try to do your own thing and not worry too much about it. If he's really interested, he will try harder. It's up to you what you want to do, but your initial reaction was to end it, so maybe you should stick to that. If you decide to let him have another chance, try not being as available by being busy in your own life.

I know that's easier said than done! 🙂

May 17, 2007
5:34 pm
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nappy
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MzKitty,

I think that you are trying to control something that you don't have control of.

I wish that I could help you to get to the point that if he calls, he calls, if he don't, then oh well.

You say that you only been dating a couple of months, give yourself some time.

Being like that to someone can sometimes drive them away also. You want him to see a strong woman not a weak woman. Some mens don't like weak women because then they know that they can do anything to them and get away with it.

Let each day come and go and to enjoy each one. Don't add no more into your day that shouldn't be there.

Nappy!

May 17, 2007
9:04 pm
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At_it_Again
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MzKitty,

Anymore contact from "S"?

May 18, 2007
12:00 am
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Caris
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Wanted to put out there about the whole self esteem thing...how old behaviors/thinking has led me to believe that "i'll be happy if I have a man!" Today, I know I don't NEED a man and have been celebate for over 2 years so that's progress. I just find myself getting so much validation from a man that pays me attention and I hate it!

May 18, 2007
8:41 am
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risingfromtheashes
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mzkitty...maybe he did...but if he REALLY wanted to reach you, why not leave a message, call the house or whatever?

Honestly, he just is using the same old excuses.

cut him loose.

May 18, 2007
11:23 pm
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tjmama
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MzKitty,
Let Go. Let go and trust that there are better things ahead for you. Yes, it will hurt. No, it will not be easy. Any relationship with this much grief is not a loving relationship. Let go. Grieve. And then, move on. I agree with the threads from Nappy. Re-read them if it helps, but let go. Reading your story felt like I wrote it. I just went through the exact same thing...the man's name even began with "S". I ignored my intuition and all the red flags because of his words and the phone calls just when I was about to give up on him. Only, I did this for 1 year, 1 month and 8 days. It will only get harder for you the more you allow it to continue. I feel compelled to help you, and the best thing I can share from my experience is to Let Go. It was the hardest, yet most courageous thing I've ever done when it comes to relationships. For the first time in my life, I am truly single. I do not even have ones on the line for "back up". I feel uplifted. I feel my life is truly mine to do with what I wish, and all I had to do was Let Go. Let go and see what happens.

Yours truly,
tjmama

May 19, 2007
2:56 am
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lovemedo
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Mz Kitty, I know what you mean about worrying how he will feel when you don't answer his call. I am in exactly the same situation. Will he think badly of me? Hell, after all he's done to me I am justified in not picking up, but he'll never see it like that. Godd for you anyway. Keep strong.

May 21, 2007
3:26 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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how are you today?

May 22, 2007
7:57 am
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lovemedo
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MzKitty, How is it going? Any contact? Thinking of you.

May 22, 2007
9:02 am
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4harmony
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MzKitty, I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing, as well. I know how you feel, since my situation has similarities, and I know it is tough. Please let us know how you are.

May 23, 2007
12:06 pm
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MzKitty
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~Sorry guy's this is a long one~

Thank you to everyone who wrote to check on me..A lot is going on in my life right now, and a lot has happend.

1st off, I'm moving offices for the Dr. that I work for at the end of the week. We are taking over anoher prcatice here in town so I've been helping packing up, and cleaning up little messes here and there! So I am very sorry to all of you for not writing back sooner.

Now as for the situation with "S". After last Wednesday night when he didn't call me back (or at least didn't try too hard to call me at home or leave a message), remember then he called on Thursday and I told him that I had to take another call. Well after reading what all of you had posted, and in my own heart I decided that I needed to move on, so I did not call him at all. I got a phone call friday morning at 7:30 a.m., it was "S". The first thing he said was that "he did not like not talking to me, he said that he has a lot of his own insecurities, but that if it meant losing me he wanted to work through those insecurities with me, because he does not want to lose having me in his life." He said that I make him a better person, and that if it mean all or nothing, he would rather have it all with me! Now, I know it's only been a few day's but he has been, and has given me exactly what I want in a man. He is communicating with me his feelings, desires, and what he wants in the future, not only for himself but for us. He has been very good to give me the space and room that I need for us to grow together. As I've said before, between kid's, and work, and him, I am EXTREMELY busy, and there have been a couple of times in the past few day's when he has said that he wants to spend time with me, and I haven't been able to, he has been very understanding, and supportive, not only of my schedule, but of issues that I've had at work and home. I have to share this with all of you because it touched my heart and helped me see that this guy is for real....I've been a single mom for 10 years now. My son was 4 when his dad and I got divorced. My ex hasn't been much of a father figure to my kid's even though he as been in their lives every other weeked, etc., etc. (he didn't even make it to 1 of my son's Lacrosse games this year, if that gives you an idea of what this guy is like) ~ anyway, my son got into trouble at school yesterday and was put on In School Suspension. I got home last night and there was a message on my answering machine, I listend to it.....It was a conversation between "S" and my son. (Mind you "S" is a drug and alcohol counselor for teenagers), "S" asked my son how his day was, my son said it was bad, "S" said "yeah I heard you had ISS, and my son said yeah it sucked. "S" asked what he did to get put on ISS, and my son said that he had pushed a kid. "S" said yeah I bet that didn't go over too well with the teachers, and then said well we all make mistakes but maybe next time you should try to find another way to express your anger...and my son said yeah your right....OK, having listened to that conversation made me feel so good because my son has never really had a man in his life that showed him concern and guidance, I could tell by listening to my son that it meant something to him too.

So to wrap this up, things are going great with "S", I've expressed my concern based on his past behavior. He has asked that when I do have concerns to please talk to him, and he is talking to me A LOT now...I feel very good about this.

Thank you all again so much for listening, and caring!

May 23, 2007
12:12 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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hmmmmm...he said the same thing that 26 said to me when I didn't speak to him for five days after the cheating thing.

He said that no matter what, I had to stay in his life, because our time apart really showed him how much I meant to him and that he would do whatever it took to be what I needed...cuz he couldn't risk losing me again...that it hurt too much.

Maybe just maybe...you found a gem too.

I am glad he reached out to your son too...that says alot.

I hope it continues to go well for you....I'll keep my fingers crossed.

May 23, 2007
12:48 pm
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armygirlinwaiting
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I NEED ADVICE BEFORE I HAVE A NERVOUS BREAK DOWN....i HAVE NEVER HAD A MAN DRIVE ME CRAZY LIKE THIS...

May 23, 2007
12:49 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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can you share more with us?

May 23, 2007
12:54 pm
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MzKitty
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rising,

I think I have found that same Gem as you, yes I still have my fears, but we are talking through them, and that speaks volumn's to me. Oh, and I threw it out there at him (as you said), actions speak louder than words, and I have to say his actions are exactly what I needed from him. Thanks again for your support.....

Armygril, whats going on?

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