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Codependency and Low Self Esteem, does it ever get easier?
May 16, 2007
6:43 pm
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bevdee
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MzKitty

In answer to your thread title question. I believe it gets better. Sometimes I backtrack, but it is always a shorter amount of time that passes before I realise I am thick in it again.

You are going to be fine. With ya sass and backbone!

May 16, 2007
11:05 pm
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fantas
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MzKitty, It does get better as you get to know yourself and accept yourself enough so that other people's opinions of you will not have power over you. I think that we all have areas in which we feel insecure. I can talk infront of many people, sing and do all sorts of things. Generally speaking I feel good about myself and am even sassy and no nonsense in dealing with most people. Now, when it comes to my family and love relationships, I am totally insecure and unsure of myself. I get heart broken and depressed when they disapprove or judge me. I am working on it but this is my weak point. It's always a work in progress and never perfection. All the best to ya...

May 17, 2007
10:31 am
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MzKitty
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Hi all,

I just needed to come in this morning as of course I heart broken.

Rising, It only took "S" less then 24 hrs. to hang himself. I'm devistated, but picking up the pieces I guess. Right now I'm pretty numb, but had to post in here because I am so heart broken.... : (

May 17, 2007
11:31 am
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MzKitty
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May 17, 2007
11:56 am
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risingfromtheashes
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what happened? how did he hang himself?

May 17, 2007
12:24 pm
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MzKitty
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Rising,

Well, he never called me all day yesterday, so at about 8 p.m. I called him. Asked how his day was etc., etc. He said that he was just coming home from golfing. I told him that I hadn't heard from him all day and just wanted to say hi, and see how golfing went. So he then said that he didn't know where we had left things off after our conversation Tuesday night, and didn't know if we were taking a break or not. I told him that I thought that we had agreed to communicate and compromise with each other. He said yes that we did say that but still didn't know where we had left things. Ok, so then his 2nd line rang on his cell, he told me that it was his boss and then said "hey I gotta take this, I'll call you back". I haven't heard from him since.

What do you think?

May 17, 2007
12:56 pm
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StronginHim77
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I think you know the answer. It just helps to have others stand by us, as we face the Truth.

This man has bailed out on you. Playing golf? Wiggling out of his uncomfortable phone conversation with you by claiming he HAD to take the other call? With no offer to call you back, as soon as he dealt with it? Just SILENCE?

You have your answer. And you really don't need any of us to tell you what it is. But you do need us to care about how badly you must feel. And I sure do. It hurts when someone doesn't care enough about us to try...to reach out...to put some effort into the relationship with us.

This man is NOT the one you have been trying to find. Let him go. If you continue calling him, you are simply BEGGING. You are also going to regret it, a month or so from now when you have begun to recover, emotionally. You will wish you had not called him and BEGGED. It is so humiliating. Initiate "No Contact" and step back from this man completely. He will NEVER be what you NEED him to be. He is what he is. Period.

- Ma Strong

May 17, 2007
1:10 pm
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VelvetHeart
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((((MzKitty))))
I'm so sorry you've been hurt like that. Take the time you need to feel the emotions so you can release them and move on. No contact, like Ma Strong and others often suggest is something you need to do for you, for your higher good. I think the more we lovingly take care of ourselves, the more we want to set healthy boundaries and our self esteem continues to grow. I know this is something I'm working on and this post really hit home for me.
Velvet~

May 17, 2007
1:16 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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as they said, you have your answer.

I think it was a cop out - if he didn't know how things were left, why not ask???? that's all part of the whole communication thing he promised to try.

and not calling you back? bad form.

sorry, I think you can do better...it sucks, but there HAS to be bigger and better waiting out there for you.

let this guy "practice" learning how to open up with someone else...you deserve someone who is willing and able to learn OR has it down already.

May 17, 2007
1:16 pm
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MzKitty
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Strong,

thank you for the support. You are right, and I've already decided that I AM NOT goint to call him (and just in case you don't know me well enough, I will not call him ~ that's they way I am, when I make up my mind about something). That is one good tings about this. I don't have a desire to talk to him at this point. Tomorrow night I am taking my kid's out of town to stay for a night (my son has a Lacrosse tournement in Utah, I live in Idaho) any way so we are going to leave for the night, then when I get back I have house cleaning that I have to do because my sister and her 2 kid's are coming next wednesday, so I'll be able to keep myself busy enough to at least get past the ruff patch.

I guess what I am struggling with is the why? Why would he keep me on the phone for 2 1/2 hours on Tuesday night asking me to hang in there for him if he is just going to pull this crap? But as someone in here told me before "quite trying to analyze it, and just accept it". So that is what I am trying to do.

Your right it does just feel good to have your support....Thank you Strong!

May 17, 2007
1:19 pm
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itsmynick
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oh what a web we weave, eh? i've been reading some of these posts and see the pattern over and over again..

why do we continue to do this to ourselves? is there anyone out there that is just content and happy with their partner?

i keep thinking of the al-anon literature.. if i can get that downpat, i'd be laughing! learning how to change my way of thinking seems almost impossible, but so needed if i want to stay with someone who keeps hurting me.. not physically, but emotionally..

best of luck mzkitty! 🙂

May 17, 2007
1:19 pm
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MzKitty
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Velvet and Rising,

Thanks, I hope you both read what I wrote to Ma Strong. I have already decided to not allow him to contact me ~that's the awsome thing about caller ID~

I guess as I said to Ma, I just don't understand him asking me to hang in there for him, etc., etc., if he didn't want to work on this? I am confused!

May 17, 2007
1:29 pm
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At_it_Again
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((((MzKitty))),

Sorry I've been out of pocket and just now catching up on the last couple days of posts.

I was going to say that the red flag that struck me from his conversation was the "don't give up on him" part. I would say that it sounds like he's given up on himself if he has to state that and he's asking you to not give up too.

Now he is the one not calling and playing this game, sounds like a control/ego thing.

I'm glad you are not going to call him, definitely not worth it. I'm sure you have better things to do!! 🙂

Hang in there!

May 17, 2007
1:33 pm
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MzKitty
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At It Again
Thank you for your support too. I can't even begin to say thank you enough to all of you for your words of kindness and support. I really need it right now. I am feeling fairly strong right now, I just hope I can keep it up....

May 17, 2007
1:42 pm
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courage to change
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You are doing absolutely brilliant by not contacting him.

Now time to get back to focusing on your own life. Which sounds like that is what you are doing.

Having accepted the way things are, all you ever have to do now is take responsibility for your own life, one minute at a time.

I know you are doing that cause you have said so. So keep on telling yourself how well you are doing. When you get a relapse, post to us instead of focusing on him.

Good luck xx

May 17, 2007
1:46 pm
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VelvetHeart
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I agree, caller ID is the Best! I know it saved me a few times when the xbf called. He actually called me yesterday after 4 mos. of no contact. He left a msg about his friend I had met once that overdosed and died after being sober for many years. I wasn't sure if I should e-mail him back to say I'm sorry to hear that or just let it go.

It is confusing about him spending over 2 hrs begging you not to call it quits, seems he likes to be the one in control? He's not worth your time. It still amazes me how these guys have no conscience or care how they hurt others. Take it as actions speak louder than words. You deserve so much better than this.

Velvet~

May 17, 2007
2:02 pm
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MzKitty
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Courage and Velvet,

Sad thing, right now I was just sitting here worrying about what he is going to do when I don't answer the phone for him.....I guess that's always been my problem, I always worry more about the other person and not wanting to hurt their feelings...Is that a Co-dependent trait? Plus to add to that I guess I always wish that I could find someone that thinks and feels the same way I do ~to be more considerate of other people's feelings~

May 17, 2007
2:10 pm
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courage to change
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What can you do now that will enable you to forget about him? If you put as much energy into yourself, these feelings will slowely disappear, but only you can do it. We can only help you, the rest is down to you. Try a positive affirmation. There are so many tools available.

I have to go now, good luck, I hope can apply some of what we have all said. It really is down to you. xxxx

May 17, 2007
2:21 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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first of all, it is a codep. trait to worry about what the other one thinks.

but YOU come first...what do YOU feel?

why did he beg you and then drop the ball?

I can only speculate - and this is based on my own experience.

He doesn't want to lose you.

He realizes how wonderful you are.

BUT

he is not CAPABLE of being who you need...or UNDERSTANDING what you need.

He has to understand in order to follow thru.

He probably doesn't "get it".

And he only "gets it" when you tell him....after you have reached your boiling point.

You don't need someone you have to train.

He probably agreed cuz he THOUGHT he knew what you were asking for and THOUGHT he could give it to you.

But his actions show he doesn't get it.

And instead of you wasting precious time and energy explaining it...use it to focus on you...recover...and move on.

You shouldn't have to "teach" someone how to open up to you, how to be respectful, how to return calls when they say they will, how to be caring and sensitive of your feelings.

Either they get it or they don't.

Chances are, he doesn't...and that is EXACTLY why he agreed, but didn't follow thru.

Also, my ex, out of total desperation, not wanting to lose me, would frequently promise me the world, with absolutely NO intentions of following thru...he just wanted to keep me at all costs...and hoped I would eventually give up my expectations and accept him as he was.

Never happened.

May 17, 2007
2:43 pm
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MzKitty
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Rising,

I agree with what you are saying. Hard thing is right now I'm having an emotional bump! I feel like I could cry.

I guess I keep thinking of our conversation Tuesday night. One thing he said that felt so good to me was that "it would take me really screwing up for him to ever want to leave me". In the past I've always felt like men have abandonded me for the littlest things, so to hear that felt good, but your right his actions are not showing me any compassion for my heart or feelings. He just said so many great things, and I understand that he can't follow through with them, it does just hurt because I did feel that he was being sincere.......

May 17, 2007
3:45 pm
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nappy
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Oh the games that we allow peoples to play with us.

The I will say everything right so that she can believe it game.

Now the game that you should play with him is the we had something good, it didn't last so now it is time to move on.

Stop and I mean please stop playing these games with this man. The only one that is hurting and crying is you. I bet my top dollar that he is not crying and he sure is not worry about where your relationship is right now.

I have had mens abandoned me and boy does it hurt but I had to come to terms that maybe that was a blessing to me. Just imaging putting up with this person shit for a year, or two years, etc. I don't think so.

I always told them that if they didn't love me, I know that someone will.

The one good things in my life time is when I do see them again. I am not bent over like a broken woman, I am standing up right and I am shining bright.

This is your story about your life and if you see that those chapters in your book is repeating the same thing over and over again. And it don't look good. It is time to sit down and rewrite the true story that should be going on in your life.

We are not responsible for the beginning and we sure is not responsible for the ending but we sure are responsible for the middle of our book of life.

Live your life and create your own happiness.

Nappy

May 17, 2007
3:51 pm
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MzKitty
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Nappy,

Wow, what a bold way for me to look at this. I know you are right, I'm just a bit heart broken right now, and I'm sure that once I pick up the pieces I'll be ok.....Thanks for your words of encouragement. I am trying my best right now to not over analyze what he is doing, I've found that I do that too much, and I am working at getting that under control, and you know what? it's helping....On top of having my friends in here to talk to..

Thanks

May 17, 2007
3:54 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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see, he isn't planning on abandoning you.

but that doesn't mean he is planning on doing the right thing either.

he won't dump you...as long as you accept him as he is.

my exex did the same...loved the way I treated him...so he never wanted to lose me....BUT never did anything to keep me either.

He said he didn't love me...just loved how I made him feel.

nice huh?

No, this guy wouldn't leave you...cuz he likes how much you care for him...but that doesn't mean he is going to step up to the plate and treat you like the goddess you are. Probably cuz he hasn't got a clue how.

May 17, 2007
4:00 pm
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nappy
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MsKitty,

Your heart is to precious to let any one and I mean anyone break it.
You are fill with so much love that it is ashame that this person don't see it but you know what.

We do on this site here.

If you need me to bring some tape or glue then I will so that we can get started in mending it back the way it was.

We have to seal the cracks because we don't want that good person inside of you to spill out. We will try and keep her in there so that she will blossom in her own time.

If you ever need a friend, I will be there to hold you up.

Nappy!

May 17, 2007
4:01 pm
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MzKitty
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Rising,
I know you are right in my head, but my heart is just aching right now. It comes in waves, but for the most part I'm feeling pretty good. I do admit I am worried about him calling me at some point in time and what I am going to do when he does.

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