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Codependency and BPD
April 16, 2007
7:32 pm
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outatown
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I need some advice.
I have been married for 6 years and we have had 2 kids together. For the majority of our marriage there have constantly been dramatic events one after the other and we have never settled in one place for more than 1 year. By dramatic events i mean my wife cheating on me, or if not doing so getting very close to other men without telling me, until during a split that lasted 9 months i found out she had been sleeping with my brother. However whilst she had been with him she had been accused of cheating on him with other people also. Anyway once that was all over she begged for me back and eventually i submitted and got back to gether with her.

However things between us were still quite rough and she was suffering from mental health problems that lead to 6 overdoses in 6 months. At this point i decided the best thing to do was to send her home to where she was from in America. I had to send her and my 2 kids ahead of me as our house still needed sold etc. During the 4 months we were apart we still fought on the phone and after about 1 month i found out that she had met someone else and was moving in with him with my kids. This enfuriated me and caused some major problems but i needed to be reunited with my kids and the only way of getting over there was for my wife to sponsor me, so i still went ahead with the emmigration.

Once i got here things seemed to kick off between us again and she kicked the other guy out of the house and i moved in. It was good to be back with my wife and kids the way things used to be. Over time things started to slip again and i eventually found out that she was addicted to alchohol and cocaine and was disapearing on all night binges. I even heard that she had been sleeping with some drug dealers through the grape vine although the sources were kind of unreliable.

Anyway when confronted with all of this she addmited to the drug and alchohol abuse and was admitted into the local mental health facility. She was quickly diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and when i learned more about this i was pretty sure that was what was going on. She started treatment and once again i gave her another chance hoping that this time it would be different. However now we are arguing a lot about all the things that have happened and all the lies have been told and that i cannot trust a thing he says. So we decided to split again but i have been really struggling with being seperated from her especially since all the male interest that she has deliberately attracted since our split just over a week ago.

She says all she wants is for me to trust her and another baby together and all will be well as she is now better and she wants our family to work, but with her is a life of suspicion and hurt and without her i cannot stand to see other men getting close with her.

The most important thing to me is the kids well being and i dont know if they are better off with us toghether and the tensions that develop from that or us apart and the possible hostility that may develop from that.

What i have read recently about Codependency makes me think that i may be Codependant on her, hence the reason we always end up back together no matter what.

I am so confused about this whole situation and there is a lot more to it than i have written and i dont know why i still keep wanting her back even though my logic tells me not to.

April 16, 2007
7:55 pm
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StronginHim77
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I am a recovering codependent who was engaged to a man with borderline personality disorder for 16 months. It was HELL. Up one day and down the next.

I can tell you this much: despite treatment (including medication and psychiatric therapy), he never changed. He never improved. Life continued to be hell. He was unfaithful, an alcoholic, highly unstable and incapable of love.

I would get those poor children away from her. Go to court and get full custody. The chances of her being a decent parent are slim to non-existent, so your first move should be to protect those innocent children from her drug abuse, etc.

You should seek out treatment for why you keep allowing this toxic woman into your life. I have now been apart from my ex-fiance for over a year and he has NEVER changed. Now he is putting a NEW woman thru hell. This is what they do. Borderlines rarely recover enough to live a normal life or have normal relationships. They are self-destructive, manipulative, rage-aholics and always creating chaos in the unhappy lives of those close to them.

RUN FROM HER. And rescue those children.

That is my best advice. Also, check out all the websites about BPD. There are many.

I also recommend the book STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS which is available online or in bookstores everywhere. It will help you alot. It is all about trying to live around someone with BPD.

My best to you...

- Ma Strong

April 16, 2007
8:30 pm
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sandpipper
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I agree with Strong. You need to leave her and make sure the children are protected. It is very unlikely that she will change. Please do not have another baby with her. That would only make matters worse.

There are many good books on codependency and CODA meetings and counseling. It would be good to get some help with this.

April 17, 2007
4:44 pm
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StronginHim77
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outatown...

You okay? Post something, so we know you are still breathing and in one piece. I know it is hard to reach out when you are going thru emotional hell, but remember, NO ONE here will judge you. You must take it one hour, one day at a time and do that best that you can. I hope you get a copy of that book. Most bookstore have it (STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS: Taking Back Your Life When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder.) I think the authors are Mason & Kreger? Not sure. But you should be able to pull it up by the title.

- Ma Strong

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