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Codependant relation
September 30, 2004
10:04 pm
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Anonymous
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I HAVE BEEN ON A CODEPENDANT RELATIONSHIP FOR ALMOST FOUR YEARS UNTIL I STUMBLED UPON THIS WEBSITE. I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE GOING THROUGH THIS. I WANT OUT! I READ ALL THE SIGNS OF WHAT AN ADDICTIVE RELATIONSHIP IS AND THAT IS WHAT MY BOYFRIEND AND I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH. I HAVE MADE CONTINUOUS EFFORTS TO CHANGE AND SO HAS HE. I GUESS BOTH OF US ARE ADDICTED TO EACH OTHER. OR I KNOW WE ARE. WE CAN NOT LET GO. THIS REALLY MORE SERIOUS THAN I THOUGHT. I HAVE TO GET SOME TYPE OF COUNSELING AND HELP MYSELF FIRST. I JUST DON'T HOW TO START. OUR RELATIONSHIP IS ALL ABOUT CONTROL AND JUST ABOUT THE TWO OF US. WE DISREGARD OUR PARENTS AND I EVEN MISS WORK JUST SO WE CAN BE TOGETHER...ANY SUGGESTIONS? OR ANY QUESTIONS? PLEASE HELP ME!

October 1, 2004
9:25 am
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eternaloptimist
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Hi Hooked!

I thought the same thing when I found this site. It's not just me feelig this way. I have been seeing a counselor now for just a few weeks. The best advice I have received has been to detach from Love and start doing things for me. Since both of you feel the same, I suggest speaking with your boyfriend about creating some boundaries. Tell him this codependency has caused you concern, and you don't want the relationship to go south due to the codependent nature of the relationship. I sense that you are at a point in the relationship where you are beginning to feel fatigued because of the constant togetherness.

Please expand more if you can.

Eternaloptimist

October 1, 2004
9:28 am
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CAMER
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try reading some books on codependency and even go to meetings, check out

http://www.coda.org

yes, you do need to set boundaries and have a balance life...do things for yourself, work, play, hobbies,
friends and also your bf...its not good to just focus on him all the time. Balance is very good. Take small steps and maybe promise yourself each day you will do something for you and not try to control him or the situation. Keep venting here, this site is great!

camer

October 1, 2004
10:18 am
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InPainZHT
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I keep finding that true wisdom is found when you hear the same concept or idea repeated over and over but from different sources.

"7 habits of highly effective people" from Stephen R. Covey, a self-help classic, speaks early in the book that inner peace and tranquility comes from putting your "center" on the correct thing (principals)- and, without mentioning the word codependency once, simply says if you put your center of concern & attention on another (such as a spouse or partner) you are doomed to unhappiness simply because your sense of accomplishment and fullness is derived from the other person's behavior, attitude, etc., on a daily or weekly basis.

It really rung home, as I read this book, because the purpose of reading the book wasn't that sort of self help, but there it was, in black and white, explaining the futility of losing yourself in another person and making him or her happy the source of your own happiness.

Just a few scraps to put on the table....

InPain

October 1, 2004
12:55 pm
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kathygy
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Couples counseling can work wonders if you are really having a hard time.

October 1, 2004
8:03 pm
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pistoffed
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I believe that I am also rather was in a co/dependant relationship. I started out on my own at 20years old, at 19 I had my first child and 23 my second. My ex-boyfriend since 2000 to September 25,2004 had alot of issues but they all seemed minor compared to his education and humor. I also thought about a father figure. He was very difficult at first and then he seem to want the relationship. We eventually moved in together, and I believed marriage was around the corner. Little did I know that since he started to see a therapist, and diagnosed with depression and started to take medication that he was starting to plan a life without me. I will admit that we were having a difficult time and I seemed very angry alot of the time it seemed like he was sabotaging the relationship. I have a problem with my mouth and very hurtful things come out when someone makes me angry. However, bottomline I believe that the relaionship finaaly came to an end because I was co/dependant and didn't even know it. Not entirely but our relationship had touches of co/ dependency. I really feel like we should have tried couseling before just completely giving up. Alot of the things that I realized has been since he left our home. I feel so empty without him, I feel like someone just kicked me in the teeth. It do not feel like this was the right thing to do. I am going to respect his wishes, however I will never be whole again. Any advice on how to cope would be much appreciated.

October 3, 2004
12:05 am
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Anonymous
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Just an update on what is going on...my boyfriend told me today that he needed time alone and that he was sorry! The bad thing is that he sent me a text message...he could not tell me face to face...I feel a sort of relief but I also feel lost and confused. He said there was no other way to do it. I feel like running and looking for him, but all I did was cry talk to my lovely Sis and went to sleep. I did not want to talk to him...I guess I've exhausted myself in this relationship. It helps to talk to love ones and friends. I'm also setting up an appt. with a Psychologist this Mon. I'm hurting so bad but I am determined to do this with Ya'll help. Thank YOu!

October 3, 2004
9:09 am
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CAMER
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hi hooked! yes it would have been better for you bf to tell you face to face, but since he chose to text message you, well thats HIS issue....dont let it get in the way of your own well being, and now is the time to work on you, read books, attend coda meetings, go to therapy if needed, these will all help to get you to a better understanding of yourself.

hugs from camer

October 4, 2004
3:57 pm
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Eliot
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Hi Hooked. This is my first time to visit this site and your message touched me: sounds very familiar and one of the reasons I am "here." I am sorry he chose to end the relationship that way, and I know you have probably heard this before, but maybe this is what needs to happen for you to have free space to grow and explore what really makes you happy. You must be in a lot of pain, and probably just want to lock yourself inside and cry (or go find him and seek an explanation from him), but can you try and do something kind for yourself? Maybe if you become your own "healer," and really see how damaging codependency has been, what it has cost you, you can start to rediscover the things that really give you pleasure (sounds silly, but I started making collages, and taking a little time to read a good book at my favorite coffee shop). Be gentle with yourself, treat yourself kindly, because you have decided to begin the journey to rediscover your joy--YOUR JOY--not make someone else happy.

October 6, 2004
5:08 am
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Anonymous
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Thank you Eliot, and thank you Camer. I have been coping with this by talking to my closest peers and my Sister. I am venting by talking and listening to everybody that I talk to. They all keep telling me the same,let him think of what he wants and not to bother him. It has been really hard. I have my moments when I can't even get out of bed. I found out that I do well when I'm not at home. I've been thinking of picking up a hobby. Today I'm going to buy rollerblades so I can start learning how to blade. I have to get rid of all this pain that I've got some how. Another thing that happened was that we talked 3 days later after he send me the text. He told me that he was tired of indecisions in his life and that he was trying to look for an answer before the holidays. He said that he did not want to ruin holidays for anybody again. So all I told him was that I was going to respect his wishes. I just don't understand why he still has my apartment key and my cell phone and other stuff. Wouldn't he want to return all that back...or is he really not letting go and just thinking of really changing? Any advice? Thank You

October 6, 2004
9:56 am
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CAMER
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sounds like his is not ready to "completely" let go, cuz if he was you'd have your key and cell phone back etc.....maybe he is holding on for some strength and making things better. Now it is up to you, do you want this??? do you mind if each of you works individually on "yourselves"??? You do have choices. Think of YOU most, and search deep in your soul and find out if you think this relationship has a healthy way of recovering.
Best of luck, Camer

October 12, 2004
9:08 am
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Anonymous
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We have been going to counseling and have been talking alot and spending some time together. No arguements or fights. Just talking and enjoying time. Counseling has helped but who knows, it has only been two sessions so far. He did tell me he was not ready to completely let me go. I guess he does want to work things out. I will keep you updated. He has counseling today and I have it on Thurs. I can't wait and have so much to say. I do recommend it to anyone though. Thank you bunches for caring!

October 16, 2005
2:16 pm
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xavier
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Well, I guess I'm at the right place. I just have one question if someone would be kind enough to answer. How long a post is acceptable? I have something I need to discuss badly. I have burned out one friend and a brother over talking about this. But it's a pretty lenghly story. If that's not acceptable please advise.

Thanks

October 16, 2005
3:21 pm
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Lass
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Write on, Xavier. If it seems excessive to you, focus on one aspect at a time. But, by all means tell us ~~ you are welcome here, andin the right place! Start reading other posts also. We are a good bunch, trying hard to be truthful and kind and open.

Love, Lass

October 16, 2005
3:24 pm
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human drama
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I am just thinking about how many ears I have too, burned out!
I think you will find many answers here - as well as many new questions to consider!
Good luck!
HD

October 16, 2005
5:54 pm
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mrdibbs
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We are listening!!!!!!!! Are you there?

October 16, 2005
6:17 pm
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lollipop3
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Xavier,

Hello and welcome to the site. Post away my friend.....take all the time and space that you need.

The only thing that I would suggest is....when writing a long post, it is best for others if it is not one long paragraph. Sometimes when people type one, long, continuous paragraph, it can become very difficult for others to follow.

Other than that, please feel free to talk about anything you need to.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Love,
Lolli

October 16, 2005
11:20 pm
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Cooper
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It feels better to get it out here. I guess I got started and didn't even think how much I had written until it was posted...but boy was it nice to get it out!
We can all learn from each other, and I have learned this is a great group of people and very supportive!

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