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Codependancy and intimacy
February 2, 2004
7:52 am
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Iolanthe
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I lived with an addict for 3 years and found out about my codependancy and enabling characteristics. My boyfriend is in therapy for the past 3 months-I on the other hand started seeing a private therapist and attend CODA meetings once a week. I went from "a total wreck" to finding myself and inner strength. Up until 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend's obsession with me-just disappeared into thin air. He has since then taken it to another extreme and now says that he is emotionally detached and letting go. I am familiar with this as I got to a point of practising it too. However, the extremacy of this is that he shows no emotion towards me. This hurts considering that we both still care and love each other.We have put boundaries in place, such as no physical intimacy;plan to see each other and not on the spur of the moment type of thing-trying to establish a healthy relationship. I started feeling "crazy" again because of this and decided to end whatever was left of the relationship due to the familar roller-coaster emotional rides-And he was completedly stunned by me wanting to end it.....what should I be doing? There does not seem to be enough theory for me to cope with this emotionalism

February 2, 2004
8:47 am
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Tumbleweed8
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If you are undecided, would it be helpful to agree to not see each other at all for a certain amount of time? Both of you could sort out your feelings and maybe decide you'll discuss things in 6 months or however long you need.

February 2, 2004
9:34 am
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Iolanthe
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Thanks T

I considered this-it is so hard though. I quess the difficulty in this is that I can sense his devotion but cannot feel it - not sure if I am making sense at this stage.

It makes sense not to see each other, we have had 2 boundaries by his therapist already for a total of 2 months because of our codependancy on each other. We were able to have emotional honesty and openess after this and all of a sudden its gone-like one minute complete and absolute affection and the next wham nothing.

February 2, 2004
10:18 am
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Tumbleweed8
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Hopefully, given more time the counseling and therapy will help both of you. At least you are both working on it.

February 2, 2004
10:20 am
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Tumbleweed8
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Hopefully, given more time the counseling and therapy will help both of you. At least you are both working on it.

February 2, 2004
10:48 am
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Zinnie
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His sobriety is new and he is experienceing a lot of different emotions.

Some people when they begin this process, swing from one extreme to the other, because they are trying to learn to new behaviours.

I would give it time. You were both involved in a chemically induced emotion filled state for three years. He has only been sober for three months.

I'm sure he will "come around" and things will fall back into place, although hopefully in a healthy way for both of you. Spend this time working on yourself.

Love,

Zinnie

February 3, 2004
1:55 am
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Iolanthe
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Thankyou Z and T

This is great advice, thanks

Last night at CODA, I chose a word-in-a-bag, "abandoned" It became so clear, I slipped into the "abandoned inner child" role. This stems from actual physical experiences of feeling abandoned as a child and that is why I have been "confused" and wanting to end the relationship to survive any emotional roller coaster rides. I was and am seeking his affection to feel "comfortable".

I will attempt to heed your advice and see how it goes for the next week.

love Iolanthe

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