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CODA or CRAZY?
August 29, 2005
10:28 am
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Ilovemyboys
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Hello Everyone!

I am new to the sites and was referred to it by a friend! I have a question...after reading many threads, I came to realize that what I thought was normal, may not be so normal. Let me explain...

I have been married to my husband for almost 8 years. Before I met him I was an outgoing, funloving, charismatic girl that people loved to be around! I had many friends and my free time was always spent having a good time!

As I said earlier, I have been married 8 years and am now a completely different person. I am withdrawn, recluse, and the only friend I have is my sister.

I would say that my reason for the change is my husbands attitude. Since I have had children (3 lil' boys) my husband believes that I am a mom and only a mom! He has also led me to believe that. He makes me feel extremely guilty for waning to do things for me! I am a stay at home mom and am punished (passive aggressively) if I spend too much time or money on myself (such as going to the salon, joining a gym, or just buying necessities for myself).

I guess what I am wanting to know is where is the line between taking care of myself and my wifley/motherly duties. I feel so guilty about it! One more problem is that I want to work outside the home but my husband makes me feel guilty for leaving my kids in a daycare!

HELP!! What does the problem seem to be? Am I whing to much or should I do something??

August 29, 2005
10:33 am
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CAMER
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((welcome)) dont let your husband make you feel guilty, you did nothing wrong, in life you should have friends and other interest outside of your husband.

Don't let your hubby control what you want and what you can have, stand up for yourself and say NO, you work and yes you are a great mom too, but there is nothing wrong with buying yourself a nice gift or getting your hair or nails done.

Maybe your hubby feels insecure if you did hang out with friends, maybe he would realize that life does not revolve around him.

Keep posting and sharing, you will
learn and help others so much.

August 29, 2005
10:42 am
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Ilovemyboys
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Hey CAMER....

Thank you so much for the reply!! It is so inspiring to have someone tell me that!! As I said before, eventhough I know that I AM allowed to do for myself..the guilt he has imbedded in my heart causes me to do what's best for others (not myself)!

Thank you for the encouragement!

August 29, 2005
2:15 pm
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alyssa
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Hi, I feel alot the same way. I have been learning alot reading on this site. I was a stay home mom for 13 years. I completely lost that part of me that was only me. I was the mom and wife and neighbor who did everything for everyone. A few years ago I had to go to work. It became a financial have to. I am so glad too. but it has been terrible on my husband. he is insecure and jealous. I found out how much he really liked me being home with no one but the children. Now we are having real problems and alot of it is because I want to go do things. and alot of the time it is with out him because he works all the time.

For years my husband would hardly have to say much and I would feel bad or guilty all on my own. I'm tired of feeling bad all the time. It's hard to figure out, are some of these issues just something he needs to work out. just me work out? How do we work them out together?

I think you really need to stand your ground now and start working it out. because years from now i'm not sure it would be better. Just because the kids are old enough not to go to daycare, doesn't mean he will still want you out and about working or otherwise. take control of you. don't wait as long as i have to decide to fulfill some desires other then motherhood. I'm trying to convince myself that i'm not a bad person if i want a little life outside of my husband and children. I've had to face up to alot lately, and It's starting to feel good.

It's time to do it. Be the best you and it's all going to be ok.

August 29, 2005
2:46 pm
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Ilovemyboys
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Oh my goodness Alyssa....

Your reply just made my day! It feels great to know that there are other people out there struggling with what iI struggle with! It's nice to hear someone say that it's OK to take care of myself because I usually feel so selfish when I do, but after your input, you made me feel that it's OK!

I just wish I could keep your words in my mind when I am having to explain my needs to my husband! I tell you what..it's not his guilt trips that get me so much..it's his sulking! It takes so much out of me when I have to try to make things better when he pouts like a baby! Ughhhh...Sometimes I want to scream!

Help me out...what should my reaction be when he makes me out to be a "bad mom/wife" or a "selfish b*tch"? This is the problem I am having!

Thanks for your help!!

August 29, 2005
2:53 pm
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taj64
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A good marriage is when both partners give 100% of each other (not 50-50) and they each complement each other yet they have their own self, (interests, friends, etc). You do not need permission for your own happiness. Love is not about jealousy. Love is not about controlling or manipulating another person. It is the year 2005, not back in 1800s where women were treated as property. Guilt is uselesss emotion for you to feel and he is manipulating you by trying to make you feel guilty. Read the book, Codependency No More...by Melody Beattie. It opened my eyes, maybe it will yours.

August 29, 2005
2:54 pm
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gingerleigh
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I don't know if you're a great cook or not, but let's just say you are. You're a fantastic cook. People rave about your cooking all over town. You're very confident about your cooking. Suppose your husband one day said, "You know, you're a really lousy cook." If you were as confident as I'm making you out to be in my little scenario here, you'd probably laugh at him, because it's so clearly not true.

Now when he calls you selfish, you need to have that same level of confidence, that you AREN'T selfish, you are taking care of yourself and that is all.

What to do? I know, I hate the sulking. What do you do when one of your boys sulks for not getting his way?

August 29, 2005
3:02 pm
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Ilovemyboys
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Good Point Gingerleigh!

My boys would be punished for it! But my big problem is that I don't like to fight in front of the kids so I do whatever it takes to keep him happy...cause if I don't, there's trouble! He'll go from sulking to yelling and storming out of the house!

I hate to whine because I know I could stop it...I just need the encouragement!!

Thanks so much guys!!

August 29, 2005
3:31 pm
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kathygy
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You are not being selfish. You have the birthright to take care of yourself. It sounds like your husband is threatened that. I have found the better I take care of myself the more I have to give. Don't let your husband make you feel guilty. That is an attempt at manipulation and control. Do what you need to do to feel like you care about your needs and let the chips fall where they may.

love,
kathy

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