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Cocaine Sucks...
September 12, 2005
12:18 am
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ladybug129
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This is my first post. I never talk to anyone about my problems so this is the weirdest thing I've ever done! I can't believe I'm about to write it all out for everyone to see. I've been with my current boyfriend for the past four years and lived with him for the past two. We've had more than our share of problems. My boyfriend is a recovering cocaine addict. He's been clean since March. For the majority of time he was using I had no idea. I guess I was too naive or too stupid. During that time he stole money, didn't pay any bills, and lost his car to creditors. I've stuck by him through everything. I believed every lie he told me during that time. Now that he's stopped using, he's working two jobs and going to school. Yet, after going through, all that I've gone through, I can't forget everything that has happened in the past. He tells me that the reason he is living is because of me. He tells me the only reason he is going to school and working is because of me. All I can think about though, is leaving. I own my house in which he lives. If I leave him he will have nothing. I feel so guilty because I didn't leave him during the hard times why should I leave now, when everything is perfect? I just don't know what to do. He is doing so well in his recovery. He's actually happy for the first time in his life. I feel like if I leave now anything that happens to him will be my fault. About a month ago I left and stayed with a friend for a couple of days. He left me message after message that he was so depressed and so close to falling back into his old ways. I'm 28 and I feel like I've wasted so much of my life with him. I just don't know what to do. He tells me I'm his angel...but, would his angel just leave him after everything he's been through?

September 12, 2005
12:30 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Ladybug and welcome.

Your bf has deceived you and lied to you until you can't trust him anymore. Now that he's working on himself, he seems to be placing responsibility for his recovery on you. Not fair, not fair at all. You are not responsible for him. He must be responsible for himself and be doing this for himself. I know it will be hard to ask him to leave, but if thats what you really want you should do it. Its your house, for goodness sake. Maybe if you separate and he proves he can stand on his own, you might want to reconsider, but he's lost your trust and I don't blame you. We only get one chance at this life, why waste it on someone who doesn't trust you w/ respect and honesty? You deserve that. Keep posting. SD

September 12, 2005
1:00 am
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pixie123
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it's hard to have a relationship with someone that has done all those hurtful things to you in the past. I've tried. It's great that he has fixed his problems, but someone has forgotten about you in the process. Now it's time for you to heal. If you think that there's enough left there, maybe you two can get counselling to help you overcome the issues that are still eating at you. If there's not enough, then let go and let god.

September 12, 2005
8:36 am
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shyshy
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So your bf has been off the cocaine for about five months now right? He's working two jobs and going to school? Why is he working two jobs? Is it because he has a lot of bills he wants to pay off or is he just trying to keep himself busy?

I had brothers that were addicted to heroin who would just stop out of their own will for six months at a time and then fall back into it. There's always a trigger.

Your bf is saying he's doing all this for you and because of that I really don't think it will last. He's putting too much on your shoulders and when he realizes that you are human and can't carry the load he will fall back and then blame you for it!!

Honestly, I think he may be doing all he's doing and saying he's doing it all for you knowing he's not going to last being clean so that when he does fall he can just blame you for it and then say he tried but you were no help.

September 12, 2005
8:54 am
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CAMER
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seems like you are stuck in a no win situation...now is the time to think of you. The longer he lives with you the more resentful you will get. Seems like the love is gone from the relationship, and i can see that, esp after all he has done and put you thru.

Even if you break up with him, yes, he may go back to drugging, but that is his issue, he needs to take care of himself in this world....just like you should, and the only way to do that is to get him out of your house.

Don't feel sorry for him, think about how YOU feel, do you want to spend the next 5 months, having him live with you and putting pressure and making you feel like YOU are the reason he lives life, etc. Sounds like alot of pressure.

He is a grown man, and needs to face life on his own, recovery is hard, and from what my therapist said, is give someone ONE YEAR of complete recovery then THINK about having a relationship.

This is going to be hard on you, telling him to leave, but what other choice do you have????

I wish you luck and keep posting

September 12, 2005
11:46 am
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gofigure
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(((Hey Ladybug))) welcome. I truly feel your pain. In my opinion your bf is putting WAY too much responsibility on your shoulders. Cocaine is a destructive mistress--been there. My husband (and myself) both went into treatment facilities for coke nearly 7 years ago. Recently he has started dabbling with it again. When he realized it had gotten control of him, he told me he *needs* me in order for him to resist it. I am supposed to be the reason he "does right". I told him I can't take on that responsibility--it is way too much to ask of anybody. Ladybug, remember these are HIS demons, and if losing you "makes" him go back to cocaine, please please please realize that is HIS choice and you will just be his handy excuse.
While my situation may be different (I've been married for 11 years), I know well the slow death of love and the damage the lies can wreak. The rebuilding of trust takes infinitely longer than its destruction. If you are feeling the love is gone do yourself a favor and remove yourself from this situation ASAP. My personal experience has shown that once a love is destroyed, it cannot be brought back to life. I have been trying to no avail to bring it back for well over a year and all I have managed is to delay the inevitable pain--mostly out of the fear that I will "destroy" him by leaving. And then I will be the cause he starts drinking and drugging again. However, I have realized that that is HIS DEAL, HIS CHOICE and HIS RESPONSIBILITY, not mine. My responsibility is to myself and to my daughters and it is not within my power to save him from himself. Only he can do that.

Try to stay strong and don't forget yourself. There is a reason your emotions are at this place. Remember that and don't beat yourself up for being human and wanting to take care of you. You deserve to be first on your list.
~go

September 12, 2005
6:22 pm
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sugarman
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Painful huh? How does one expect you to be forgiving after blowing all the money, losing a job, lying and deceit? Cocaine is an ugly destructive drug. Rebuilding the relationship is unbearable. I say it's time to make yourself the focus. When you have done all you can to make the relationship work, (sacrifice, crying, begging and pleading) it doesn't work, what do you do? That's my situation. My answer is to suck it up and move on, no matter painful it will be. Living your life with the feeling that there will be a relaspe is unproductive. I only hope that I can overcome my own feelings and follow my own advice. Signed hurting and undecided.

September 12, 2005
7:03 pm
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SassyAlex
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I was in a very similar situation. I was involved with a heroin addict, and I stood by him through the arrest, court dates, withdrawals, LIES lies lies, everything. I gave all of my energy to try to get him to see that he needed help. Well, the day finally came when he left for rehab, and that was the day I took the biggest sigh of relief. And I didn't want him anymore. I didn't want any part of him. I was too hurt, too tired, too angry, too sad to carry on any contact with him.

So I cut him off. Right when he went to rehab. He was resentful for a long while. Said I left him right when he was finally doing the right thing. And I can see that that is how it looked from the outside. But the truth is I had been done with him long before but almost sacrificed myself to get him to rehab. (not trying to sound melodramatic or like a martyr, that's just how it was.) Once I knew others were taking care of him, professionals, I could finally let go. And I didn't want him back. And I still don't. He accused me of only wanting to be with him when he was down and out.

But I know deep down that's not true. His going to rehab was just the catalyst that allowed me to finally let go. We were never going to make it; like you, there was too much damage done. Addicts lie about EVERYTHING, and there was never a way I was going to be able to trust him, even if, and that's a BIG IF, he got clean.

The fact that you have decided now that it's time to move on is OK. Even though he seems to be doing the right things. Like you, my ex used guilt to try and keep me. He told me that without me he wasn't going to make it. And that's a whole lotta crap to lay on someone, no one can live up to that.

It's going to be difficult, but don't let him ever get you to believe that you are the cause of his problems. You are not. Take care of yourself.

September 12, 2005
8:05 pm
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addicts wife
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HI Ladybug...(((thats one of my nicknames too!!!
It is nice to meet you, and welcoe to this wonderful site.
I commend you in sharing your story, (I know its hard the firt few times, but now Im quite the blabbertyper))
I will think about what i want ot say/share with ya' after i think about it for few.As it hits home with me and my significant other. ((whos drug of choice is crack) hes been Clean since the week after mothers day, but I too have a lot of letting go to learn about and do. I still have trdut issues and gfind tht If I think about the past and things hes done I become livid or majorly bitter and somewhat P.O.ed, it is a struggle I face, and was even talking to my mom about briefly this afternoon.

I will get back to you in a little bt, but really wanted to say hello, welcome you to this site and say that I am prpoud of you for reaching out and for "breaking your silence" on things that are with you. There are Many MANY wonderful people here who i consider friends now that Ive been here since February on and off, who have let me vent, rant N rave and reach out for help when I was in crisis.Andeve nwhen I just wanted to be silly , there are lots here with a great sence of humor, which ,at tiems is just what I find I need.

talk to you soon.
Ladybug~aw

September 12, 2005
11:41 pm
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ladybug-

Yeah, cocaine blows. 🙂 Sorry, I know that wasn't funny- but I hate it too. My ex was a speedball addict. I made him leave the house over a year ago this month. He tried many many times to get clean. He is still trying.

While I have not been successful to carry through with the no contact thing, I'm glad he no longer lives with me. It was very hard for me to do that, and for the last time- not let him back to stay.

You never know how long it will be until or if someone goes through a successful recovery process. Honestly, I do believe in the case of my ex it was not for the lack of trying. I just can't comprehend the madnitude of his dependency on drugs. I am still in love with him.

Protecting yourself from the behavior of an active addict in your home sometimes comes down to purely concerning yourself with your own survival. DON'T FEEL GUILTY. An addict has no problem dragging you down with him, especially if it aids his comfort while feeding his habit. You might find your home, your finances, and your life damaged beyond repair when he has very little to lose. This is the drug taking possession of them. It makes them sociopathic until they get clean and stay on a high maintenance mental health program of one sort or another.

If your bf was high functioning while using, no wonder he was able to deceive you. Cocaine addicts, or addicts in general, are masters of deception. Do not feel stupid. Just be wary.

If anything happens to him, it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

YOU didn't cause it. YOU can't cure it. YOU can't control it. YOU can take care of yourself by talking about how you feel.

...and you are doing that here!

keep posting.

we've been there.

hugs,
ella

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