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Co-Dependeny?
July 25, 2007
3:25 pm
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ckusak
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Is co-dependency where you feel like you HAVE to have this person in your life - and without them you will perish? I would like to be more independent and not depend so much on my boyfriend for my happiness. Does anyone have any suggestions on this? If he is not with me, I feel alone, even if I am with a group of people, it's weird. And it makes me upset that he is able to go and do without me and it doesnt bother him. Whats wrong with me? Why do I feel so dependent on him to make me happy and what can I do to stop this? Find a hobby, something...any suggestions are appreciated! Thanks.

July 25, 2007
3:36 pm
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Lisa Ann
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Hi ckusak,

This is exactly how I have felt in the past and I truly believe this is one of the best definitions of co-dependency I have heard. First of all, I would highly recommend reading Co-dependent No More. It was a great book. You are also correct in that finding hobbies that you truly enjoy yourself and you don't mind being alone are great. I love to play the piano. I just got one for my birthday and I am so excited to start playing. I can play for hours and my mind is totally free of anything and everything that is or has been bothering me.

I also love to read and I sell things on Ebay. When I'm doing those things, I don't feel like I'm alone.

I found that I had to break away from my boyfriend a bit too. I had to show him that I was okay alone, even though I was still struggling a bit. It seemed as though I felt better with him knowing or seeing me be okay without depending on him all the time. I think it actually hurt his feelings a bit at first - he couldn't figure out why I was so strong all of a sudden and he felt like I didn't need him anymore. I said I don't need you, I want you. There is a big difference. Wanting to be with him and feeling like I need to be with him are very different, and I have finally figured that out. I don't need to be with him, I want to be with him, and when we are not together, I have other people to hang out with or I am content to be alone doing my own thing.

I know this sounds easy, but trust me, it was not and I still struggle at times. But, if you work at it, it should become easier, as it has in my life.

It's great that you found this site - keep posting, things will get better - there are a lot of great people out here that have really helped me a lot!

Best of luck to you!

July 25, 2007
3:41 pm
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_anonymous
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Yes Ckusak you are in the right place. You cannot define yourself through your boyfriend or anyone else. Tell me about one other thing that makes you happy besides being with your boyfriend?

July 25, 2007
3:43 pm
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ckusak
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Destinystar,

I really can't and that is where I see there is a problem. I like doing this with my family and such but I feel like I am completely alone if he is not there as well. I am always wondering when he will call or what he is doing?

July 25, 2007
8:07 pm
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deemedina4
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Hi gang. My first time.

I am trying to figure out who (if any of us) are codependant. I recently got together with my husband after being seperated for 12 years. We have always loved each other very very much. When I met him he was married. He left her. Then there was a hugh misunderstanding that left us blaming each other and trust was broken. He was an alcoholic addic. At the high of his addiction we got married. (He tried to keep me from leaving with the kids). Because we got married so quickly another woman was revealed. We tried for 18 months and finally turned out backs because we could never resolve arguments. Due to my daughter's severe illness I had to reconnect after 12 years of anger, resentment and lack of communication skills, always anxious about the situation because we never reconsiled out situation. Immediately we became intimate. Meanwhile he settled with another woman. I truely believe he never really loved her at first. His addiction led him to some serious medical problems. I believe he used her as a security. Meanwhile after 12 years he finally grew to love her because I believe she's more of a mother to him. Now it's 1 + years later. We have alway been very much in love with each other and extremely passionate. I want so much to be with him and be the even more passionate person my nature truely is, but I feel reserve, frustrated and resentful that he always goes home to her, and yet at the same time I can understand why he is hesitant to leave her when he says he was truely happy with her until I came back. He said in his wildest dreams he never thought we'd ever get together again. I however always knew something uncontrollable like this would happend. He does spend alot of time with us and I can't understand for the life of me why she stays with him when he's gone so much of the time. We never got divorced and we still don't want to. Between the two of us in the past 13 years now we have tried to get divorce 6 times. I believe there is some kind of intimacy problem between them two but they are truely good friends. He is cheating on her and I have hugh conflicts about being intimate with him due to religious beliefs. At the same time he's my husband and I really don't have a desire to deny him. I want to reconsile. I don't know how to handle this situation and at the same time I don't know if there serious codependant issues involved. His family owned a bar and a pool hall when he was very young. Today he is going for his 5th National Pool Tournament. He does recreational drinking and smoking pot which I have seen as controlled and borderline. There was abuse in the past. There has been 1 minor abuse incident, 1 beligerancy incident (he misunderstood me and though I was leaving him). And he drove once with an open container and speed while intoxicated because he got angry with me because I reminded him it was time to leave the bar after being there 2 hours like he said we would, when he said it had been only 1. I was drinking coffee.) Maybe from your viewpoint you can see things more clearly. Sometimes when your too close to the situation it's unclear.

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