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co dependent or raised right??
October 9, 2006
10:42 pm
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ITELNO1
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hello, I am new here.
here is my problem, I am a male, who has been dealing with the physical abuse from my ex girlfriend, for the past seven years. we broke up about two years ago, and have a child together, that is why we are still in each others lives. two weeks ago, she hit me again. I went to a professional therapists who then suggested that I may be co-dependent.
I come from a single parent home, but was raised with the help of my four older sisters who never hit me, but who were always tough on me to do the right thing, one of which was to NEVER HIT FEMALES.
oh. and it's getting to the point where I am afraid that one of these days that I will hit my ex girlfriend back, and I dont know if I'll be able to control myself. I mean its been seven years, and there is so much a person can take for so long.
any advice would be helpfull.

October 9, 2006
10:48 pm
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Randomwomen2
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I commend you for not hitting her hunny that takes a lot of strenth. She has absolutly no right to lay a hand on you. Have you ever called the cops on her? You may or may not be codependant but that has nothing to do with her violating you like that. Does she take her anger out on your child like that? I would check to make sure. How old is your child? I am afraid that if this continues that the child will grow up thinking that this behavior is ok. By the way welcome to this site. It is a wonderful place to be. Please continue to write here there are lots of people with valuable information that would love to help or just to lend an listening ear

October 11, 2006
4:33 am
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ITELNO1
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No i havent called the cops on her. this last time i thought about it, but didnt. the reason is that I dont want our child to have to go through all that stuff.
right now she is seeing a therapist. and maybe she'll get better, but if not, I too am making plans to take our daughter. its hard becuase the both of us are attending school, both trying to make a better life for our child. but its seems like it's better if i just leave school, and get back to work, so I wont have to deal with her attitude.

October 11, 2006
7:01 am
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looking forward mom
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Unfortunately you will have to deal with her attitude for a lot of years to come because you do have a child with her. As for the hitting, that is clear and simply abuse. You are a better man because you didn't hit her back--even though she deserves it. She obviously doesn't think about your daughter's needs very much. Don't let her use the excuse of seeing a therapist to make you feel guilty. It's good that she is seeing a therapist, but it could just be a cover up. She has to want to change and be better for it to work. You keep haning in there and doing what you do---since you seem to have your daughter's needs as your top priority.

October 11, 2006
7:10 am
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cammyjo
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Hi Itelno1

Welcome to the site, great place to come to talk, vent, gain insight, and get support.

Seven years huh? Now do you really think dropping your school and going back to work will change HER.

You can't change her, nothing you can do different will change her. Only she has the power to do that.

I know what you mean, and how difficult it is to call the law in on someone who is being abusive. Good job on your part for not falling in to the temptation to slug her back.

It took having my ex BF come after me with an axe to file assault charges, and still went back later and had them dropped. (I do have to say after that ordeal, he never touched me again)

Now a days, when there is a domestic dispute, and the law is called, somebody is going to jail, even if it is just for the night. So I understand your concern, also know that unless she knows you are serious about some type of consquences for her behavoir exists, she will continue to do what she has gotten away with for so long.

And yes, I would also be concerned for your child, she could very easily become mom's little punching bag. If you have some friends and family near by to help you out, you may want to discuss with them the possibility of needing their help if you do contact the police about her abuse.

CJ

October 11, 2006
9:26 am
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atalose
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Welcome, you've come to a great place to gain new insights and ideas on situations affecting your life.
I think 7 years of abuse is enough. I also commend you on not hitting her back. I would think after all this time, your ex thinks it's acceptable for her to hit you. I don't think you leaving school is the answer to get her to stop.
I think you need to start putting your child and you first instead of feeling quilty about doing something to stop her abusive behavior.
If you don't want to call the police, then please, always have someone with you when you need to be in her presents. If you go there to pick up your child, bring a friend, a family memeber someone. If that is not possible, explain to her that her behavior is not acceptable and that you will no longer tolerate it and will call the police. If you make that threat to her be ready to back it up.
Most likely she is not going to change and if she is not working on her anger issues, which it sounds like she is not, then you are going to have to be the one to make some changes.
I would also be worried about your child and her mothers anger. Anger outbursts like hers is not just addressed in therapy, a behavioral change needs to take place with some type of anger management. I would bet anything she is not discussing this in therapy.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

October 11, 2006
8:15 pm
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bonni
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Welcome,
Please put your safety and your child's safety first. I do believe in second chances - but you are way past that. No one should have to live in an atmosphere of violence. You can't change your ex. You can and should make yourself and your child unavailable as victims. This is to me the line.

My dh hit me once, about 15 years ago. I got up and walked out. I came back an hour or so later and we talked. I was very clear - no matter how much I loved him, if he ever raised a hand to me again, I would leave, whether I wanted to or not. He has NEVER hit me (not on purpose anyway) ever again. And if he hit me tomorrow, he'd be out.

Years passed after that incident before I got pregnant. He has lost his temper with the girls, but he has never hit them, at least not beyond an occasional pop we both agreed to. I come from a family of child abusers. I am very careful about that monster coming out of me.

Yes, it can be conquered, but only by the person who has that in them. I fear my own capacity for anger. I know how it feels to want to do great harm to my child, and so far, in ten years, I haven't snapped. Well ok I've snapped, but diverted the negative energy to limit the damage to the child.

Its your life and your decision. I hope you will stay safe and protect your boundaries.

best,
bonni

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