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Co-Dependent? Am I? Confused still on past.
December 6, 1999
12:36 am
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hixie
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welp I should start out by stating the obvious...My relationship with my girlfriend of 11 months (longest so far for me) is on the rocks. I am 23 and she is 31...age has never been an "extreme" issue but has caused minor misunderstandings. We are both in college and work full-time.

---Past---
Mine: Oldest son with a very loving and giving parents. One brother who is two years younger than me and is currently trying to get his life back on track after being in a horrible relationship with a girl...nothing you have ever heard before compares to what he did for this girl. My parents are in the middle of getting a divorce over my father's infidelity. It still is continuing as we speak and it is not the typical affair...it is with other men. Very troubling for my mother, my brother, and me of course...but I also feel my father is very depressed and saddened as to why he behaves this way and why he can not admit to first himself and then us that he likes men. I myself had a very difficult time dealing with this and other issues that I was very much so depressed and suicidal to a point. I have been seeing a counsler and continue to see one.

Hers: Grew up in a large family (8 other siblings) and has been the "baby" of the family for her entire life (she is the youngest) and her next closest sibling with whom she is very close to is like 8 years older than her. She has said that she has felt that her parents compensated for the lack of time they spent with her on material gifts. She did have an eating disorder 15 years ago and was married from 18-25.

Basically my girlfriend and I have had arguments and they all have stemed from alcohol...wouldn't ya think that we'd just cut it out of our lives? These arguments have increased in not only intensity but with frequency. We are not sure where to turn but do have an aragement to see a counsler together. Yes, I do/did se a future with this girl and she with me but at the present time my anger and temper have lead us out of control I believe. I was always the one to "give, give, give, and then TAKE!" when I could...quote from Hayden Fox from COACH. But she "wanted" me to do my own thing and not put her on a throne. I have had success in doing this and in standing up to her on the daily basis so she does not "test" how far she can go with her demands.

My temper flares up and the worst thing that I have done was breaking a picture frame over my knee in her house...a gift for our 11 month anniversary the other day.

Both of us want to spend the rest of our lives together and yes...both of us are comming to the conclusion that we NEED each other...I can not stop thinking about her and our future(good one).

please help me in anyway possible
hixie

December 6, 1999
6:24 am
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hazza
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September 24, 2010
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woah hixie,
a lot of stuff there, but you are on the way my friend.
Are you co/dep? may be, explain about NEEDing her, what would happen without her, what do you do on nights you don;'t see her?

Heavy stuff with your dad too, this must have been hard for all of you to come to terms with, it sound like you are dealing with it, you say your family is loving and it sounds like you all help each other out which is good.

YOur problems in the relationship seem to be typically dysfunctional. Anger,alcohol etc.
I was in a disaster zone with my partner and his drinking, we used to argue all the time we were both too stoned on booze and pot all the time, i felt like each conversation with him was like a bad acid trip.
This wore me down to breaking point, i was co/dep in the extreme, bit by bit i saw how my actions added to this and changed them, I got clean and got a clearer head and realised that this was not the man of my dreams but a total f***ing nightmare.
one day i just snapped, he had gone too far, he had showed me just how little he cared for me cao all he could see was himself. I told him that he made me sick to my stomach, 3 yrs of anger poured out. I was finally not afraid of him. I think it was the kick up the arse he needed. He stopped drinking, took some exams and will soon get a job( 1st proper job in 3 yrs)
I told him i had no more money and i was not going to get a job (since leaving my last one cos of all this crap) and he had to shape up. He did.
So what? my life not your eh?
The point is I wish i had done it sooner, all the resentments leave scars. If you and your partner are being dysfunctional through drink or unresolved issues. face them, stop drinking. If you dont the chances of you having a happy future together get slimmer and slimmer.
Go to councelling, i wish we had dont leave it too late.
My partner pushed me so far that certain feelings i had for him have just died, they could have been saved if i had dealt with things sooner instead of just hoping they would magically sort themselves out.
Thoughtout out time toghether, we always loved each other, that was never an issue, but our individual problems were killing us. You must both see what your own issues are and deal with them. You can only support each other, not cure each other. Each of you can only change yourself, but do it sooner rather than later.
I hope you can both work things out
Take Care
Hazza

December 6, 1999
9:32 am
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hixie
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September 27, 2010
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Dear hazza...

thank you for that advice. This has been the first time that i have been on here and Im quite impressed. It always feels good to get some reassurance that all the counseling info ive been given is getting put to use by atleast someone out there...now i guess i have to start in on using it huh? Thank you SO very much for your time. To answer the Q what would life be without her? well...it would be very difficult for quite some time...we have decided to take a breather for rite now and hopefully the counseling and change in lifestyles will change us...gonna be hard...gonna take time...but if it is to be then it will show.
thanx again hazza

December 6, 1999
10:06 am
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hazza
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September 24, 2010
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hey hixie,
good call,
me and my partner took time out, i spent a week in canada. only a week apart but it made me stronger, we spoke on the phone and got on better than ever, came home and had a huge row!! well always 2 steps forward one stap back i guess.

point is, in that week i learned that i don't need him, i can now set boundaries to make sure that i get a healthier relationship from him,
both of you need to discuss you own boundaries. Discuss what you want from ach other and what you wont tolerate from each other, build a mutual respect. You can both learn to discuss your wants and fears without resorting to screaming or kicking the cat!

I wish you both luck, keep talking with each other

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