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CO DEPENDENCY - so, that's what's wrong with me
March 4, 2004
9:14 pm
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blindersBEINGslowlyREMOVED
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September 24, 2010
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I was on a few websites. trying to figure out what is wrong with my husband. it is rare that i surf the web. i guess that it was meant. i came across the definitions of co-dependency and it is so me that i started to cry. every definition i could find was me. now that i have this information about myself it is time to go to a meeting and seek help for myself.

i am sort of digesting this fact before i post any real concerns.

i really thank God that I know what has been wrong all these years.

this is certainly not the first abusive relationship i have been in.

i am currently going through a situation,but i am looking at my life in an entirely different light. i have written down a co-dependency help group to attend. following is a letter i had written earlier:
letter to my husband-
i have run out of excuses and reasnos why this marriage is so broken. you are so unhappy after well over a year of being sober and drug free, you go to meetings even? There is nothing that I can do. you are not ambitious and are lazy. how can i spend day in and day out trying to figure you out. you are constantly taking the last of everything from me and my 12 year old daughter. you are constantly reaping benefits of this marriage and are constantly unhappy and depressed. and always asking for more. you do not put anything into this marriage. you are like an older child always having unnecessary issues and unfocused on the beauty of lifewhy are you always so unhappy. you owrk when you want, i pay all the bills, you could care less about our health, no consideration for anyone but yourself. i buy all the food, toothpaste, soap, i cannot count on you for anything. you feel like someone constantly owes you, i cannot make you happy. somebody is supposed to make a home for you. i know that i am happy and always have been, i am productive,i love to see others smile. you picked me for this. are you using me or do you need solid professional help? at first i felt you needed understanding, tlc, but this is wearing thin. you do nothing but hold me back you use and or destroy everything that i build. and on top of that you have an attitude iwth no conversation unless it is to your benefit-use my cars, my cell phone- asking for money. even if things get back to communication with us, you have done so much damage to my heart and mind i don't want you. you sleep in my house day in and day out use everything with no car about who provides this. and for years i did not mind. now i am looking like a fool you will keep a job when you feel like it. even when you do whatever you want you are still not happy. you go thorugh every day without a word to me. do you know what happiness is. do you know how to survive as you came from your mother's house to mine. she says you cannot come back. if you had all you wanted you still would not be happy because happiness comes from enjoying whatever you have to do in life-knowing that will owrk out for good because you are doing all you can. you are extremely lazy and don't care about life. i do not want to watch you suffer your life away. i deserve more. this winter has taught me that i do not need any one to say amen to me. i can go through the motions until times get better and be appreciateive, natural, grateful, calm, work hard, be wise. we have nothing together- no children (becuase you insisted on getting rid of two) i thought it was because you had so many drugs in your system, but now i think it was becuase you are selfish. i am in a rut with you and you are not coming out.my plans of living a good life with you entail more of a 50/05, in finances , housework, feelings, the whole thing. you are sick because i am basically taking care o fyou and you come off to me like i am supposed to do these things. your famous line "you have topay bills whether i am here or not". well, i don't have to do that for you under this roof. you stop sleeping with me -maybe once a month- i am a young woman. you are a born user, abuser what is it? these things iwll always suface again becuase you think because you are not drinking and drugging and sleeping around that is your only requirement to being the head of this household. i can't look up to you- i tried to anyway, but you abuse that. this marriage is way too much to hting about. i am tired. i am strong i have consulted every stranger, family member, every friend about our problem. i never gets better no matter how hard i try because you are the problem. i have tried and i am tired of trying to figure out your moods all the time. my life is productive. i need a peaceful environment. i am always looking for some magic to take place for things to be right. i thought you were so cool, we had a lot of fun. but people cannot have fun everyday of their lives, they have to work to earn that right to have fun. you do the same things therefore you get the same result.i wish you all the luck in the world, please get some help so that you can communicate iwth people honestly and be healthy. you will see in the end that it is not easy to find a smart pretty sexual wife that is compassionate and productive. but with god's all things are possible. i pray that you just get into yourself and not worry about having a wife. that hsould owrk for you -as you are so selfish. i am not going to force you to sleep with me, pay bills, keep a job, help the household, i am saying goodbye. that way you can get into yourself where you feel comfortable. i tried and that is all i could do. anybody who watches movies day in and day out for months iwthout working, thinks life is built on talk and not action does not belong here. i feel like a fool. i believe that one day you will make an upward direction, sacrifice, but it will not be soon. i don not have an additional 8 years to see you progress one baby step. i really don't have that time. i am surviving and thriving- i have accomplished major things, but yet and still you will not listen to me. i have to look out for me and my daughter. if there is a slim possibility that i am making a mistake by divorcing you -life still goes on. i am sure you don't understand a word i am saying. that is the problem your comprehension about life. it is not easy and it is not just for your taking- but it can be fun, productive. what you put in is what you get out and i am tired of being the teacher to someone who could care less about my words or feelings. so nowyou can join the club of self-survival . you will not have me to do everything. i am sure you will really bloom into a man now. survival is no joke. there are homeless people who are really decent. you need priorities, life is not meant to be unhappy. by the grace of god troubles don't last always, god shines on the just and the unjust. who do you thinl k you are marrying me and trying to mess up my head. this little family is thriving and now hear comes the head of the household tearing everything down. if we don't have a marriage -my life goes on as usual- WHERE DOES YOUR LIFE GO. this goes on simply becuase i allow it. it has to stop even though i love you we have to make some changes RIGHT NOW.

reality check !

March 4, 2004
9:31 pm
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pc girl
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blinders...I too cried when I finally put a finger on the bulk of my problems. It's so painful to admit to ourselves that our current & past ways of thinking/feeling - attitudes have actually been keeping us from happiness!!! Keep reading these posts....they are helpful & empowering!!

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