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Co-dependency - Him or Me?
August 21, 2000
12:24 pm
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Reserved
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I've been living with one man for 11 years. We have two small children together. Our relationship has been very stormy due to his previous bout with drug addiction. Eventhough he's clean and sober now (3 yrs.) it's still a dark shadow that hangs over our relationship. The problem I face is this man is totally dependent upon me. I control the finances due to the fact I make three times as much as he does and the trust factor due to his past drug habit. But eventhough I'm in control, I don't like being in complete control of everything. I feel like I have three kids instead of two. I am very unfulfilled in this relationship and keep saying I must stay for the kids sake. He's asked me to marry him several times but deep in my heart, I don't want to marry this man. Who's being co-dependent here, him or me or both of us? What should I do with these feelings?

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August 21, 2000
1:18 pm
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Jaskid
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Reserved,

3 years sober is a pretty long time! That's a wonderful accomplishment, I think. Maybe you can try and start trusting him more with some of the financial responsibilites? But the bigger question remains....Do you have unconditional love for this man? If you love him for who he is, and not who you want him to be, then there's hope. You can not change someone....you can change how you deal with that person, and how you choose to let the past effect you. Why don't you want to marry him? He does not give you what you need? From my experience men....Can't! My husband and I have been together for 18 years and I have found that the only one who can fullfill my inner needs is me, and of course my Creator. Let Go, and let God help you.

"Stop being Limited by how you perceive things to be or how you think they are going to be"
Jacqueline Benson

Quiet your mind and begin to look within...you are going to hear voices, old tapes, that have been stumbling blocks to your self-fulfillment. Do not take on those voices as your own! It is time to release them. It is time to let them go. Know that every negative tape you hear comes from the past. It has no part in the reality of today!
Right now, in this now, you have a choice as to what you are going to think. You can choose handle things your way or you can choose to trust in your Creator who knows and cares about all of your concerns! Everyone but God will fail you and no one can make you feel better about yourself! As long as you depend on people, places, and things to make you feel better, life has no hope.

" A flower falls even though we love it. A weed grows even though we don't love it."

Life it what it is and people are what they are, especially men! All the wishing a trying and struggling cannot change this. I am learning to stop being codependent on something other than God to fulfill my needs. I am coming closer to accepting what is here....what is real...what is true, whether I like it or not, and hopefully with His help I will find the joy and peace I long for!
Somehow Reserved...God gives us, and will continue to give us all the grace we need to get through the storms in our life.....I know this ,that ,after the rain there is always sunshine my friend!

:)Jaskid

August 22, 2000
10:27 am
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Jaskid:

Thank you for your heartfilled advice. You have given me something to think about. I realized I cannot change him long ago and saw a change take place in him, because he wanted to and he loves me and the kids. I guess I am just a little tired of bearing most of the responsi-
bilities. However, he does help in ways many men would consider "women's work". He helps with my elderly mother in addition to caring for our two children while I work. He'll never be what I think he should be, but as you said, the question is can I be happy with who he is. Thank you again, your words really helped.

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August 22, 2000
1:09 pm
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Molly
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Jaskid, your words were like music. You sound like some one who has honored your committment, stuck through the rough spots,and come out a winner. Very sound wisdom, that one can only get by perserverance, openness, and faith.You must also have a wonderful partner, notice not perfect, but a good mate.

September 8, 2000
11:29 am
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Tina
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September 24, 2010
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Hi,

I too felt that Jaskid's words were very thought provoking and soothing too....

It seems that i have a long way to go to reach your level of inner peace and understanding. (I'm in my mid twenties...and this is my 3rd most serious boyfriend).

I am so wrought up with pain and anguish...and so confused- i feel i'm going mad sometimes....

i feel that my partner does not respect me, ever since two weeks ago, when he raised his hand, i've felt like complete crap...and to make things worse, i am damning myself for staying...and am blaming myself for my self pitty and what little respect i have felt for myself after the incidnet...

I don't know what i should do or what i should feel....deep down i know he won't change, and something inside me is clinging to him, and he will be mean and treat me bad, but unless that strength comes from within me, i don't think i'll leave...

How does one build up strength and self worth...is it because i don't value myself that i allow the men in my life to walk all over me??? Or has it got more deep routed issues, like my childhood experiences with my father...(he never raised his hand) but he had a bad temper and a very short fuse....and as a result, i am now magnettically drawn to men with very short tempers and who create these dramas....(also i was bullied as a kid at school) and i never faced up to those kids....

How do i let go and become strong.???? I fear that if i leave this r/ship, my next one will have similar traits, as they all have a common theme- anger, abuse, dramas....
Its like a living hell....but that's the way its always been for me...

I see i have a lot of learning to do, and i just don't know where to start!!

Any thoughts / advice most appreciated...
Thanks for listening
lots of luv
Tina x

September 8, 2000
1:02 pm
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Molly
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Be alone for at least 2 years, we do indeed attract the same. I would suggest going to Coda, alanon, and domestic violence meetings. I would read every book out there on co-dependency. I would forget about men for a while, take up art, yoga, church, and meetings. Become a complete person then you will attract a whole MAN, one who doesn't need to manipulate you. You are young, why take the chance of being further abused, then with a child or two, and a divorce to force. It is better to be alone, than lonely, sad depressed, fearful etc. Its a beautiful world out there, get out of the mess your in and you will be able to see it.

September 8, 2000
7:58 pm
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Tina
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Hi Molly,

You are great...thank you for that advice....i can see what you are saying...I really appreciate your honesty you know...

I think this chat thing is brilliant- its my first time chatting to other women on the net like this, and its brought out so many issues i had burried under the carpet....

Molly, were you like me...did u struggle getting over the neediness and dependency? How long has it taken you to be strong and not take crap like this?? what happend with you...you sound so wise, i wish i could take a leaf out of your book....

thank you so much- you great!!
lots of luv
Tina x

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