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co-dependency and seperation/divorce
June 17, 2000
8:48 am
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Curtis
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I have been married for a little over 10 years. For the longest time I and my wife were never really happy. I could never understand why. We tried counseling a couple of years back and id didn't seem to do any good. Finally, she made the step to make the break. Sh etold me she didn't love me anymore. I was devestated. I vowed to change, and I did..but they were superficial changes (although at the time they felt real and deep). Then she asked for a seperation to heal and think. This has progressed to the point she is seeing someone else (and could have been before, which gave her the support to make the break). I fell into a deep depression. I knew that there was something wrong and made the call for help...My friends realized something I couldn't see and got me into see my therapist (I was seeing her to vent about things and to try and make real changes in my life to win back my wife). It was to the point I couldn't function. So, I entered a an intense therapy program that just started last week. It took them about two minutes of listening to me to diagnose that I was co-dependent. When I got there I had even said I am not co-dependent. To be honest, I didn't really know what that meant. I always related it to alcohol or drug addition etc. But I am co-dependent and it has ruined my marriage.

Now that I know some about it and what my problem is, I looked into myself and I find that I still love my wife. That is the problem I am facing. I am only seperated. After years of giving over my power to her (I was deathly scared of her, because of this) I am trying to take that power back so I can heal and change. But I haven't taken back one thing. A key. We both have the key, only mine turns the lock one way (divorce), where she can turn it two ways (Divorce or reconciliation). I am in limbo. Because I honestly believe that I still love her ( I don't think that co-dependency invalidates love), I can't use my key. I don't know why she won't use hers. I feel like a safety net. I have always been accused of reading too much into things, but that is what I am feeling like but not totally. My desire for reconciliation is stronger still because of the revelation of why things went wrong, not what went wrong, but why. I never had that before. Any chance I had in the past without that information wasn't a chance and we were doomed for failure. I really feel that now that we know what the problem is, we can treat it rather than the symptoms and move ahead.
How do you let go when you are still in love? When you are told you have been ignoring your needs for years and have lost yourself, your life and your need/wants/desires and need to recapture them and that need is to save your marriage? I don't want a divorce, I want to fight! I want to fight for what I want and I want to fight the co-dependency and it is honestly a fight for my life!

I am becoming more assertive, trying to express myself and my feelings without fear of her response. It is hard to do overnight. This is a tough row to hoe and I am in awe of those who have been there before and made it through to the other side of this.
This co-dependency has ruined two good relationships and has ruined my life up to this point and I have vowed that it can't happen again. It would have been easier if we hated each other, if she had just divorced me (not that I want that). There would be some closure there, but I lack that. I just wish I knew how to get her to turn the key in the direction that opens the door, rather than locks it tight.

June 18, 2000
10:17 am
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heartfelt
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Curtis.....even though you "love' her certainly does'nt mean you can't let go , detach. Maybe ask yourself why and what it is that you love about her, and then look at the co-dendency side, you may or may not find some insight. Co-dependency ,in my view does indeed validate UNHEALTHY love. I agree wholeheartedly that the fight you mention is for you..remember for you.the rest will follow as you begin to walk out of the battles within, and you will with work on your part. Accept that your recovery certainly won't happen overnight, and just feel the fear, BUT DO IT ANYWAY, the feeling of fear can stop us in our tracks...trust me you'll survive. As you say . even if you hated each other, it would make it easier...unfortunatly you'd be in the same boat with co-dependent patterns.....so you first, my friend, the rest will follow when it;s time.

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