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Co-dependant Spouse who focuses on everyone but me
March 15, 2006
8:32 pm
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RedheadedAngel
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I recently found out what the souce of alot of my marital problems were...my husband is co-dependant. The strange thing is thathe focuses all of his energy on people outside of our house. So much so that he is rarely home. He is constantly helping others, finanacially and with taking up his time that should be spent with us. He already is a very busy man. We own a few businesses and that takes ALOT of his time. But he still finds time to do for others. While me and the children sit home alone.
I just don't know how to deal with be married to a co-dependant who can't focus on me or his family.
Please, please, please offer me some advice. And let me know if you need anymore information. Thank you in advance....I am at my wits end.

March 16, 2006
6:37 am
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CAMER
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hi Redhead...have you told your hubby how you feel???? and has he changed anything since talking to him.

Cuz maybe if you let him know exactly what you told us, he may get a better understanding of what he is doing (or shall i say "isn't doing for your family").

And its up to him to change and put the family 1st instead of others.

I wish you luck.

March 16, 2006
8:53 am
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RedheadedAngel
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Thanks Camer, yes, actually, I have told him numerous times and it is one of the things that has put our marriage in trouble. We have just recently started marriage counseling, that is acutally how I found out he was codependant. The therapist recognist the charistics. I have seen them throughout our marriage but I had no idea that there was a name for them. The thereapist is helping us. But not really focusing on the codependancy issue, that's why I decided to reach out here. The problem is that he helps everyone...but mainly he seems to find single and vulnerable women to help. I just dont really care for this, as I sure most married women would not like. He just cannot seem to say no. He says it makes him feel good to be able to help and he isnt going to turn someone down. I am ashamed to say that this does make me jealous. I feel so desperate for his attention. I also wonder why he was ever even attracted to me...as I had no problem when we met and I didnt need "saving". So, how do I deal with his chronic helping ang my chronic jealousy?

March 16, 2006
9:16 am
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nappy
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Good Morning RedheadedAngel,
How are you doing? Well I was reading your thread and I do understand why you might feel this way. I also know that it hurts because your husband is not paying attention to his family but the more that you are paying to much attention to the situation he is going to continue to do what he wants.
You can't control the situation, you can't change it. So now, let start working on you.
Once you start working on you, and focusing on yourself and the children and realizing that I can't change him no matter what I say or do. Letting go is not to cut yourself off. It the realization that you can't control another.
To let go is not to nag, scold, or argue but instead to search out your own shortcomings and correct them. To let go is to fear less and love more. And you have those children to focus on.
Once your husband see that you are not just sitting worrying about what he is doing and you are happy with your life. He will come around to see what he is missing. We can't raise the dead, that is god job. Just pray and seek god and let him guide you.
God bless!

March 16, 2006
9:40 am
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RedheadedAngel
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Thank you Nappy, I will work on that, and I by no means think that I am perfect. I realize that I have alot to work on to make this relationship work. It is not just him. I have my own little beasts. I appreaciate your imput and you time.

March 16, 2006
9:52 am
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taj64
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I would suggest reading the book Codepdendency No More by Melody Beattie. It is good book to help you learn about codependency. Don't mean to sound harsh but you also appear to be codependent as well. It would benefit you to see your role in the relationship as well. It is not going to do you any good to focus constantly on his doings and waiting at home alone for him. You have to take care your needs first and foremost. Only you can be happy for yourself. Depending on him to do it for you won't work.

March 16, 2006
11:31 am
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StronginHim77
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Don't know what your personal "faith" beliefs might be, but I am frequently confronted with such marital situations in my work as a chaplain. Bottom line: any time a marriage partner prioritizes ANY relationship (except God) above their spouse [even the children], there is going to be a breakdown in intimacy, trust and peace in that marriage. Both partners took vows to cleave to one another, "forsaking all others." This means that NO OTHER RELATIONSHIP with any other living being should supercede that of the marriage bond. Our leisure time, loyalty, etc. should always be prioritized for our spouse's benefit. Sure wish you could find a counselor to help you both hear this. It is a basic truth. When violated, (as it has been in your marriage), the marriage will suffer.

- Strong

March 16, 2006
2:35 pm
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RedheadedAngel
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Thank you Taj and Strong. I acually just got home from the library from trying to check out that very book. They didnt have it, but I reserved it and they will call me when it comes in. My behavior and personality has changed dramitically over the past 8 months since we started having problems. I am constanly trying to be the person he needs me to be so we can stay together. But, I am slowing trying to back away from that kind of behavior. I have recognized that is not healthy. I am think it is better if I am just the person that he feel in love with originally.
Strong, we do both believe in God, we are not currently acitve in Church, but that is something I hope to soon change. I know that is something I need in my life, and my children need. I was raised in church, so I want the same for my children. I would like my husband to follow us I am hoping he will eventually. But I am not going to push him. To begin with I going to do it for me and my kids. I believe it will help me get my head straight, and hopefully he will eventually want to be a part of that with us.
Thank you both so much for taking the time to respond to my problem.

March 16, 2006
2:52 pm
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islandwmn
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Redhead, I've just been classified as codependent two weeks ago. I was shocked to put it mildly. I also read the book called "Co-dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie - it was awsome! I am reading it again for the second time because I see so much of myself in it. It has really helped doing the questions at the end of each chapter. Try it and see if it helps you like it is helping me.

Best of luck!

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