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Co-dependant Offender
May 18, 2010
1:07 pm
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Luke
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From what I have read on the issue of co dependency it seems that I too am an offender. My current girlfriend helped identify the issue through her non acceptance of the behavior at hand. I then researched and managed to type the correct words in to Google to find the term co dependency (an emotional affliction that systematically seeks to destroy our relationships and well being) that’s how I would describe it. Upon my detailed explanation of the symptoms, I described the feeling as a constant responsibility for HER shadow, a shadow that follows me around from within my mind, all the time becoming increasingly disobedient as time passes. Of course I am speaking metaphorically to try and depict my feelings in depth. The part about her shadow being disobedient refers to her refusal to enable my behavior and also the inert need for a co dependent (myself) for control. At times when I feel out of control in a situation I get extreme fits of anxiety where I don't sleep, eat and sometimes have labored breathing. In the past prior to labeling myself as co dependant I have tried many things with varying degrees of success. These things have included over working, over exercising, over eating, meditation, abuse of drugs and alcohol including sedatives and stimulants as well as the many relationships and sexual partners that I have had. Nothing really ever works, I still seem to be consumed by this need to fix and control my loved ones. I am slowly dealing with it and in turn life is becoming more enjoyable. Unfortunately I think that I’m realizing that my Girlfriend although does not accept the off spin of my destructive behavior may be the kind of person a co dependent person looks for. She is emotionally unavailable, depressive and at times has a manipulative personality. Ha sounds like me but with out the co dependency issues, her issue seems to be the opposite. Maybe this has something to do with co dependency I don’t know.

Anyway enough about me and my confused ramblings just wanted to introduce myself with the hope that this can be a step in the right direction for me. Thanks for reading 🙂

May 19, 2010
10:03 am
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curious64
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Hi Luke, welcome to AAC. Admitting the problem is a huge step towards finding help. You said that you are working on it, what have you done?

There is a really good book called, "Codependent No More". It has been a lifesaver for me. Us Codies do like to control people and it is a hard, hard habit to break. Small steps and recognizing victories is a good practice.

There are time when I am talking to a friend of mine that I so badly want to give her advice that I have to nearly bite my tongue off. The fact is that in the past when I was giving her advice she didn't do anything with it and then I would be mad. It is a lot easier to just bite my tongue.

When I have successfully refrained from telling someone what to do, I give myself a little hug and "good job" myself.

This site really helped me get started on the road to recovery. I'm not there yet, still have a long road ahead of me, but I am getting better every day.

Keep reading, keep posting. Sendiing hugs and encouragement your way.

May 19, 2010
2:04 pm
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Luke
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Thanks Curious 64 What have I done, well atm I have recognized the behavior and am trying to avoid it. By recognizing why I am feeling that way I hope to avoid it. Not as easy as it sounds, it seems to be everywhere. I have to say that some of the information on he web is a little conflicting and confusing.

I have found a place close by that has meetings on Tuesday nights so I hope I can get the courage and go

.. I am looking in to the book also it may have to be an Amazon purchase.

Really appreciated Luke

May 21, 2010
6:29 pm
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Lola24
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Hi,

I'm new to this site, and have only recently realised/admitted my codependent ways.

I was at a point where I knew something was wrong... I had this perpetual feeling that I didn't matter, that the people I care most about don't really listen to me or take me seriously, and I had a pervasive sense that nothing I ever did was good enough for them.

I started seeking counseling for this lack of self-esteem, that seemed to have come out of nowhere (I used to have good self-esteem and self- confidence).

Then, I randomly came upon "Co-dependent No More" in a stack of books in my spare room, I don't even know where it came from. I flipped the book open to somewhere in the middle, read a paragraph, and realised I AM A CO-DEPENDENT!

My boyfriend for the last 4.5 years is an alcoholic, and I was the stable one keeping things going, taking care of him, and in the process completely losing myself. He recently quit drinking, is attending AA and is doing very well, but unfortunately I can't say the same about me. It's like I've lost my bearings... I'm having weird irrational reactions to things, I overreact to the point of hysteria at times, and I've had trouble trusting his change.

I kicked him out in January for kissing someone else on a drunken binge, and that is the event that caused him to take a look at his life and make some big changes. The space has been good and we're both working to change our old patterns, and are slowly attempting a reconciliation (so long as it remains healthy to do so). Things are definitely improving as each of us learns to take responsibility for ourselves.

I am so grateful to have stumbled across that book as now that I see what I've become and why, it makes it much easier to see how to change it. Only with the objectivity I've gained from reading that book have I truly come to understand how prevalent this is in my life... how much it has affected my other relationships, with friends, family, and co-workers. I've been co-dependent with all of them to various degrees.

I know it's still a long road ahead, but seems more doable now. I'm looking forward to participating in this community for support and further objectivity in my recovery.

Thanks to all of you for sharing and engaging.

Lola

May 28, 2010
12:09 pm
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rickyrick
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Hi, Lola

Wow..I love how this works, I to am dealing with co-dependency issues. For a long time you could not tell me I was co-dependent. I research online and found a support group call CODA that help me not only with co-dependency but, so many other things. What makes CODA mtg good, not only am I work on that but, just feeling of getting to know me better and set some boundies......Let Me Know Hope this helps

May 31, 2010
10:28 pm
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renee16
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I have been interested in a CODA meeting but there don't seem to be many around. About how many attend these meetings?

June 1, 2010
12:13 pm
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evecabo
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Hello. Thank lola for sharing. my name is Eve and been in coda for the last 9 yrs,,stop going to meetigs because we didnt continued meeting so been working on line with other to keep me in recovery and yes am still working with a lot of co-dependes issues.specially caretaking. FEEL the needs or others and not my, am still want to be want it but dont express how want to me wanted. still atract other people with alcoholic issues and co-dependency and dont want that any more. am continued doing my pray and meditation and ask my sponcer to back to basic and work the 12 steps in coda. so can clean my thoughts and do the work right..there is not meeting here so have to find a way to continued in recovery.

May 31, 2010
12:00 am
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renee16
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I
have been interested in a CODA meeting but there don't seem to be
many around. About how many attend these meetings?

June 1, 2010
12:00 am
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evecabo
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Forum Posts: -1
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September 30, 2010
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Hello. Thank lola for sharing. my name is Eve and been in coda
for the last 9 yrs,,stop going to meetigs because we didnt
continued meeting so been working on line with other to keep me in
recovery and yes am still working with a lot of co-dependes
issues.specially caretaking. FEEL the needs or others and not my,
am still want to be want it but dont express how want to me wanted.
still atract other people with alcoholic issues and co-dependency
and dont want that any more. am continued doing my pray and
meditation and ask my sponcer to back to basic and work the 12
steps in coda. so can clean my thoughts and do the work
right..there is not meeting here so have to find a way to continued
in recovery.

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