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Co depenant too Codependant
September 4, 2005
10:28 am
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two codepency
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I must ask you all, Can two people be co-dependant on one another? I am crazy in love with my spouse, she had an affair with a much youger man. and he would not leave when they were caught. It has made the whole situation vey hard for me to bear, I'm full of self talk that makes me crazy, I have kids to finish raising and I feel for her so much. I sense in her a great sorrow of what she has done, to the trust in us. She is very hesitant to come home again. I feel the loss of a family our family. I would love to forget it all happened. Just give her what she needs to heal from these events. After reading on the "net" I started to realize in our early marriage 19 and 22, were now 49 and 52. That I was a narsissit at times. Caring more for myself than for her, and her feelings. I was aware I was doing it to her (causeing trouble). I would manipulate her for my own gain. My therapist pointed out to me that she is a co dependent person as well. That during our marriage, she would manipulate me as well. this would cause me to become frustrated and then angry. It caused us to fight allot. I didn't want to fight but couldn't seem to stop myself.

After 28 years of marriage we went to seek marriage councelling. The councellor and I got along well. I told her everything I was feeling. she helped me though the self talk and I felt a better person. My spouse just didn't seem to change the patterns of our marriage and I got mad at her for not trying more. Then events in our life, caused more stress, and the affair. My councelor feels she needs to be aware she is copendant. How do I tell her, of how I feel this all to be true. So she helps herself, and we can then live a happy caring life together into our retirement.

September 4, 2005
11:05 am
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yes, it can be true.

but, unfortunately, as you should have learned in your own codependent recovery, you can't teach her, change her or fix her.

that's the unfortunate part.

the only thing you can be responsible for is yourself.

your wife has to come into WANTING to fix it and WANTING to get to the truth and understanding on her own.

I am in the same situation. My BF is the SAME and is not ready to accept it, tho is reading stuff, just not ready to accept it or do anyting about it - he IS going to therapy, cuz he knows "something" is wrong - but not ready to accept what I have offered as answers.

you are in marriage counseling? then perhaps the counselor can help her come to the understanding of what is wrong.

but if she is not ready, willing and able, you can't do anything about it.

codependency therapy should be teaching you this - so read some of the books - codependent no more by melody beattie and other ones that are out there - and see if they help you.

the best you can do is help yourself and become a better person yourself and pray she falls into line behind you when she sees your progress - or that things become easier once one half of the "argument" factor is gone.

in the end, you can't stop her from manipulating you, but you can stop LETTING her manipulate you - it may make her angry enough to leave, or may make her angry enough to seek help...there is no guarantees - just protect yourself is all you can do.

September 4, 2005
9:06 pm
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two codepency
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Thankyou alicat for your quick reply. Yes you are correct, I do need to watch her and be aware of her need for control. My therapist suggests to be aware of my emotions when my wife and I are talking, if I find myself getting frustrated and angry that is a sign that some manipulation, is present. I hope she see's what I have seen.

I was a more dependant person early in our marriage, but as time went on, I realized that I was trying to change her trying to control her. I was not always successful at trying to stop. Then five years ago I discovered a way to control my needs. My self esteem was at an all time low. Through the therapy and Positive self talk. I learned so much. I felt so much better as a person. She of course didn't see what I had learned. It then became our down fall. The road to recovering for this marriage breakdown is long but. I am going to keep walking. I will try the book. Thanks again.

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