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Co-Addicted Relationships
April 19, 2004
1:33 pm
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guyman
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Hello Everyone...Over the past couple months I have been studying the relationships between co-dependent couples. Traits...exchanges...ways of thinking..etc. It is complex and very painful.This post is to try and get some opinions. Why are we as codependents so drawn to pain? Why do we repeat our pattern of disaster?... I stated before that I just ended a brief relationship with a girl that got intense very fast. I never felt fulfilled! Never felt appreciated! She had issues as well..she was a crisis queen..you know these types? Always has a crisis goin on w-her life, it could be so stupid but to her it was the world. She rarely if ever asked about me or how i truly feel. I demanded a lot of affection which she couldn't provide. We would break up and then get back together..always pain was involved. To be totally honest with you guys..and you tell me what you think. I was never really interested in her. She was needy which i liked, but i found her very unintersting. When she didn't call I would get frantic and feel deep anxiety, but right when she called and I saw her number on the caller i.d.I felt perfect. I hardley ever picked up her phone calls because really I didn't want to talk to her, but just the fact that Is saw she called gave me what I needed to face the day. Why is that???...Now that she is gone, I cannot stop thinking about her...I dont make contact in any way, but I can't get her out of my head. I get very jealous when I think of her with another man and I constantly wonder or obsess about where she is and what she is doing. This is unhealthy I know, but my therapist told me "It is not her you miss, you miss the emptiness she filled that only you can fill" I think this is true...what do you think???

April 19, 2004
1:45 pm
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sue2001
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Oh my goodness. I had the same thing though it was only a friend. I was drawn to her because she was very needy. Everything was ok at first because I felt like I was doing something real for someone. But after a while I realized that I didn't even really like her. Ya know not someone that I would have normally been hanging out with. I would not take her calls but would be beside myself if she didn't call. Granted it was only a friend. Nothing more but I think they are relavent with codependency. I eventually got over it and all but now it is five or six years later and I still wonder what she is doing and what have you. Could just having something to fix be the driving force. Maybe what needs to be fixed is in us. But we see fixing it in other people.??? I am not sure. Loving yourself first, is the key. As the discussion goes in another thread here today.

Here is my question. When myself has been hidden away for years on end how do I first find her (and know it) and then how do I learn to love her? BTW inner child fighting the fight against this post..

Sue

April 19, 2004
1:49 pm
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Hey Guyman read my thread trying to move on,

Sounds like a familiar story eh? I'm trying real hard to not contact her either, I think we have to fill the emptiness like you say.

April 19, 2004
2:06 pm
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guyman
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Thanks for your responses..Join I did read it and yes it does sound a lot alike. I just think my relationship to that girl was an addiction. It wasn't love. Love addicts as myself develop "the perfect girl" in their heads and they don't really see the "real" person they are dating or seeing. And when the person does not meet this fantasy that is when the addict gets angry and tries to leave, but can't because they are scared of being alone.Just like I stated it was only a short fling..but we went so fast so soon. That is not love..love is when 2 people really get to know eachother over time, love progresses..what I had and what a lot of us have is quick intensity and eventually hurt. Whenever she didn;t answer her cell phone I would freak out..call over and over...then i would text message her..if she didnt respond i would get panicky and my whole world was a mess. Right when she called everything was back to normal. This is not healthy!! It is an addiction. That is why I am going through counseling. And i admit I am still addicted to her, but i know it is not her i miss, it was the emptiness she filled. The ultimate goal for all of us should be to be comfortable alone. To not need anyone to make us "whole" we need to feel that ourseleves. And when we are ready..we enter a healthy relationship based on real love and real honesty. That is what I am looking forward for.

April 19, 2004
11:53 pm
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Sam7
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Hi Guys,

I've been told we are, to some extent, hooking up with people like our parents who neglected us as children in some way. We're using the relationships as adults to recreate the situation and get the love, approval or whatever it was we missed out on as kids. Food for thought.

April 20, 2004
10:52 am
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guyman
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that is defineltey a big possibility and it makes a lot of sense.

April 20, 2004
11:34 am
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healedatlast
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I understand the codependent relationship intimately. I know the desperate feeling that comes from emotional separation from your Subject. I also know the self-deception that takes place to cause you to feel that you can't live without them. I have learned the truth, and it has truly set me free. Until you can get to the root of your codependence, you are destined to repeat it over and over again. It stems from unresolved pain in your past. When you find it, you might be surprised that such an incident could cause such a huge problem, but when you do, you can begin the healing process. I have to admit that since I started my program, I have greatly reduced my codependence as well as my obsessive compulsions. I am definitely on the road to mental health. Thanks for listening.

April 20, 2004
11:41 am
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why me 32
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Me personally, I've been trying to dig up stuff from the time right before I met my husband, because it's the last time I remember being my own person. Some may call it living in the past, but I'm just visiting that happy, confident, inwardly and outwardly beautiful girl I used to know. Listening to the same music, trying to contact old friends, getting back into the activities I used to love so much, reading the autographs in my yearbooks. It's funny really. I only kicked out the ex-hubby in February, but both he and others have noticed the gradual change in my personality. My ex says I'm a different person, and he doesn't like it. Everyone else says I look better and my personality is much brighter. Even though the pain inside is crushing at times, I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted from my shoulders, and I'm a young girl again, anticipating the future, both scared and excited.

April 20, 2004
3:01 pm
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CAMER
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wow this is scary...I was alone for
1 year and 7 months...and thought that i loved myself enough to start
dating, i dated a few men, and the red
flags were there, so I easily ended the relationship...but on my latest
relationship with a pothead, I somehow can't justify any red flags...i always hope its "him" when my phone rings, and when its not, i
get bummed out, and when he doesnt call I get bummed out...but not enough
to make me call him or cry...I guess I am a lil' strong, I just feel not
"right" since I feel like I am jumping back in with the "bad boy"...having coda is awful!

April 21, 2004
12:11 pm
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guyman
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healedatlast...your thread struck my attention a lot and I completely agree with you. The root of your co-dependence sometimes is beyong concious memory..and yes when you do find it you might be surprised that it had such a profound effect on you, but when you do pinpoint exactly what is was, it is like a weight being lifted off your shoulder. It's shocking, but its a relief because now you can start healing yourself emotionally. It took me 20 years to figure it out, and it is a lot to handle, but now I know why I am the way I am. And before I didn't love who I was, but now I am working on that and realizing no other person will make you love yourself.

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