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Cnfusedgrl...single and surviving....?
April 16, 2009
10:48 am
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cnfusedgrl06
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Hi All -

I haven't been on in a week or so... wanted to give an update I guess.

I am surviving. At first I couldn't imagine how I would, but I am. There are good days and bad days, usually each day is a combination of both... lots of mood swings happening... i seem to vacillate between an aching sad melancholy feeling, indifference/the general feeling that I'm "over it" as he becomes a more distant memory, and rage.

I am completely positive that no, I do not want him back, no, I do not want to be friends. I know I deserve better than what he gave me, I know that I can't go back, even to the good parts, and when I'm being calm and sensible, I realize that I am better off... much better off.

It doesn't stop the sadness from creeping in... at what I sometimes feel like I've lost...or of the dream/s I'd built up for the life I thought I was going to lead, and the sadness of not having "someone." that is a sad thing. And I'm not sad in a way that will send me rushing into someone else's arms... ont he contrary, I don't think I have the stamina to invest in anyone else for a while... I need to be alone. But being alone can make one feel so... alone. IT has its ups certainly, but my goodness it has its lows too. I'm "at the age" where my friends all begin to pair off and get married, and I'm now a bridesmaid in wedding after wedding, and family members start to feel as though it's their right to ask when I'll get married... my friggin grandmother made me got the front of the church on Easter Sunday to pray for me to find a husband. Holy Hannah, give me a break.

So.. I'm OK, and I know I'll become more OK. I've been actually having fun, doing what I want to do (i'm signing up for a french class this summer and maybe a drawing class). I'm spending time catching up wtih friends I haven't seen.

I know, I KNOW he wasn't good enough for me, but sometimes he was, and that's the hardest part. He wasn't just a total jerk... he was sometimes really, really wonderful, and in some ways so good, and so right for me - and I'm having trouble feeling like I can let go of that part... I keep wishing that I could have just figured out some way to have THAT part and lose the rest. It doesn't work that way, but I really miss those parts of him, and those parts of us... as much as being with him made me cry, he also made me laugh harder than I have with anyone else... so...

that.

I have some sad parts.

I have some angry parts at the stuff I let myself go through and do and feel while dating him. At the compromises I made, at the excuses and copouts he gave me that I accepted... at the smallness and selfishness that are a part of him that I was too in love to notice... and ignored the high price I paid. I have anger about a few things with him... and these parts of him/us are so confusing to try and reconcile with the good parts..

and thinking about that stuff usually gets me back to a rather weary feeling of "I'm better off" and "this too shall pass." I am OK. I'm smiling and laughing, genuinely enjoying other people, and as impossible as it seems at the moment... I'll find somebody sometime... I'm smart, I'm funny, I'm attractive and I have a great job and great friends. I can take care of myself but I'm not going to take care of someone else again, not the way I did with J. Not if the cost is me. And eventually someone will see that and it will be someone who is as funny, and sweet and sensitive as J could be, and he will put me first, and be in it with me... not letting me do everything for both of us... because he will love me. And J never really did. not really. he said he did, but if it was really true, I wouldn't be here writing this. Love doesn't do or say the things he said and did. It's that simple.

And so, really, we all survive... two steps forward one step back it seems... but we'll get there. I know it.

April 16, 2009
10:55 am
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Zebra
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Cnfusedgrl,

I couldn't have said it better. I to go through all that you are feeling and you are not alone my friend. I am here and this site is here.

Stay strong and know you are in my thoughts as well.

I too will keep moving forward.

With Love, Z

April 16, 2009
11:04 am
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RobynB
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I haven't read any other posts, so I took this one at face value. This post reminded me of how I felt when I walked away from a very successful 8 year relationship. We got together in high school and split in our mid-twenties. Perhaps hearing about it will help you know you are on the right path.

He wasn't an abuser, quite the contrary, he lived to make me happy. But as the years went by, we grew apart instead of together. He was clingy, but only in a moderately unhealthy manner; and I was distant because it's part of who I am. Over time, we simply didn't click: sexually, our goals for the future, etc.

So we split and I remember feeling so disapointed over "time I'd wasted" and how much I missed the sense of familiarity. I rebounded and dated many guys (some abusive, which is how I earned some of my codependent tendancies), before ultimately meeting a man who is a lot like the original boyfriend in terms of personality: he's kind, loves to talk, we connect on many levels and he is comforting. But at the same time, I am finally to the point where I can take someone seriously; I "sewed my wild oats" as they say and because I am able to understand myself as a woman now (sexually, career-wise, my opinions of having kids, etc), I am better suited for a good solid relationship.

Also, many of my friends who caught the marriage bug early are now divorced, miserable, or having affairs. Don't take that to imply your friends will do the same, but sometimes slow and steady wins the race.

You clearly have a very bright future; I can tell by the tone of your message that you are doing a lot of soul searching. Your future partner will appreciate how well you know yourself.

So get out there and enjoy the good times (especially standing up in weddings, because there is always an arsenal of hotties at receptions!) and don't be afraid to keep on this trail. You chose to end the other relationship for a reason so let's see what adventures you find along this path! Don't look back!

P.S. The ex I dumped 4 years ago is currently employed by my father and brings his new wife and 6 yr old daughter down for pony rides and plows our driveway all winter. We couldn't have a friendship like that for the first two years, but now I am so grateful for the friendship and support he gives our family as an employee and friend. So go figure!

April 16, 2009
11:25 am
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PreciousG
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September 24, 2010
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((((CN))))

Wow! I could have written this myself. Well, may be not as articulate as you did but WOW! It is so scary yet reassuring to see your own stroy through someone else.

I think that you are a wonderful and brave and very insightful person. What a difference from your first post. Absolutely amazing. I have experienced all that you have shared thus far.

You went from a very confused, uncertain, frightened girl to this space of clarity yet still confused and uncertain. What really speaks to me is your willingness to not only look at reality but to actually see it and confront it. Your honesty and sencerity is so refreshing.

I will tell you like somone told me the other day Lady you rock!

Please keep sharing I have learned and gained so much insight form your posts.

PreciousG

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