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Clueless in the City
August 9, 2001
10:22 pm
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seabiscuit
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I'm a new guy here. I'm starting a thread called "clueless" because that's exactly what I am-- clueless. My wife Gracie died of ovarian 2 years ago and I've been alone ever since. I went thru a serious bout of depression because she was the love of my life, as barfy as that might sound. We were planning a family. I was going to take her to Tahiti on our 10th anniversary. It's been a long road back to say the least.

I suppose it's because I'm still feeling the excruciating pain of the biggest loss in my life. I didn't talk to anyone for 4 months. I had a hard time eating and sleeping, much less functioning in daily life. I mean, think about it: it never occurred to me that I'd have to face what I had to at the ripe "old age" of 30... I mean, I'm now a 32 yr old widower and that just ain't right. My wife was a vibrant 28 year old, very athletic, healthy and even scaled Mount Kilimanjaro the year before she was diagnosed. The last year and a half took an aggressive turn on her mind and body and then she was gone. 15 months of fight but in the end, they took her from me.

So there's my opener. Sorry to bring everyone down. That's my story. I'm the "widower guy" (as I've heard at some business functions).

Okay, now on to the rest of my life, whatever that's worth. Here's the clueless part--women. I have been outta the game so long (13 yrs) that I'm totally clueless as to the rituals. I married my college sweetheart and never looked back. I barely dated because I was so lucky to find the woman I wanted to grow old with. But now I find a predicament where I find myself attracted to a friend I love to hang out with. How the heck do you know they are interested back??--are there signs or tip offs? There's some baggage involved. This woman has gotten out of a marriage and is a single mom now. She's totally hot, has a great personality, shares many common interests, I make her laugh, she loves my creative spirit, I love her olive skin, she digs my green eyes, and......... I enjoy her company! However I can't help but think I should hold out until she is "ready", just because I totally understand the "situation" even as much as a divorce might be totally different from losing someone, I would think you still need a "buffer" period to get over what happened.

At any rate, since I lost my wife Gracie I feel like this woman has been the only one I have been able to feel a real connection with. She gets me. She is so caring and honest and comforting. I find myself thinking about her all the time and I only recall feeling this once before in my life.

Am I hopeless? Am I barking up the wrong tree? Should I hold out? Should I play through? I can't help but see that life is so dang short and you kinda have to just grab it while it's there and if I pass up this great woman just to save face, what happens next? Is it something I'll regret? For once in the last 3 and half years I feel true happiness. But does she even hold interest in me? How can you tell? I trust I'm still a good catch, but am i looking in the wrong place here? Any suggestions and/or thoughts would be super. Thx.

August 9, 2001
10:30 pm
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seabiscuit
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Sorry people; I meant to say "oavarian cancer". My wife died of ovarian cancer. In another forum for cancer survivors and loved ones left behind, we shortened diagnosis' to "breast", "ovarian", "testicular", "liver", et all. Sorry, out of habit I kinda forgot to describe the condition above more appropriately.

August 9, 2001
10:55 pm
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gingerleigh
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Seabiscuit, I'm so sorry for your loss. Gracie sounds like a wonderful woman, I'm very thankful for the years of happiness that you spent with her.

As for your new friend, it sounds like you two are close. Have you spoken to her about this? How long has she been divorced? Is she looking for another relationship? She's been out of the dating game a while too it sounds like, perhaps honesty and directness is the best approach with someone who doesn't play games... 😉

August 10, 2001
12:18 am
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gypsygirl
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I know that Gracie would want you to be happy. As for the grieving, Well she will always be a part of who you are, But that doesnt mean that you have to be a "Widower" for the rest of your life, Tell your new friend how you feel I am sure that she will receptive to what you have to say.

August 10, 2001
1:15 pm
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Molly
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The clue is how long has she been divorced. Take it slow, you are actually doing the right thing, that most people don't do, they jump into bed, shack up, then wonder what the heck they got them selves into. patience is the key.

August 10, 2001
1:54 pm
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sue2001
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Yes take it slow and easy ... tell her that you are unsure and that you are interested but do find out how long she has been divorced. Is the ex still a big part of her life... I mean she has a kid he is obviously there... well maybe he is there... is this rebound for her.... It sounds like you got your head on straight... and that you are not looking for any rebound.... And I do believe that Gracie would want you to be happy too... Sue

August 10, 2001
10:02 pm
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seabiscuit
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Thanks for replying guys. Actually Nicole (the woman's name) is still in the seperation phase of the breakup. Things supposedly got ugly a year or so ago and she and her soon-to-be ex have agreed that splitsville is the way to go. So although she's "single" per say, she's technically still going thru the paperwork. Because of their child, they are figuring out how to deal with it without breaking the 3 yr old's heart, which I'm sure will inevitably happen unfortunately. They bought a home last year and now put it up on the selling block without ever having moved in. I never really thought of wanting to get together with her but things kind of progressed from admiration and friendship to "gosh this gal is awesome and I think I'm falling in love". I kept wanting to reach for the "eject button" but it's hard when you suddenly feel good all over after two long yrs of pain and loss.

Naturally, I'm very protective of myself because I really went thru hell with losing Gracie, but friends tell me Nicole is smitten for me. But I'm still holding my reservations. She's such a good woman and I doubt she'd do anything rash like go after a good friend who's just come out of the shell. But be that as it may, I say I should hold off until she's had time, providing she feels the same way about me as I do of her, eventhough I'm not sure she does. My close friend Ben thinks otherwise, saying, "why do you think it's so important to her how you get along with her daughter?" and the fact that she signs "love Nicole" in personal notes she often sends to me. I just say, "cuz we're friends" and then Ben says "I think she's hot for you dude.". Whatever. At any rate, I think it's best to proceed with extreme caution. What's your take? Do you think Nicole really sees me in a romantic light? How the heck es one know? Should I be concerned or should I just keep playin it cool and appear "disinterested", which I think I'm doing a decent job of. I don't want to be the guy who tells her ANYTHING she should or shouldn't do. I care for her too much and don't want to be some insincere predator who banks on married women, whether they are seperated or otherwise. I just adore her and want to do whatever is the right thing to do..... and not get hurt. Crap, I'm already hurting because I don't have a clue what to do! I'm an emotional mess! I can tell I obviously love her (otherwise explain why this bothers me so much) but I'm telling myself "stay away! forbidden fruit! wait a year to two!"

August 11, 2001
6:31 pm
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gingerleigh
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Seabiscuit, you sound way too nice to step into the role of "rebound boy".

My personal opinion, which we all know I offer up freely even when unasked, is that you are being *very very smart* by taking things really slow. When the paperwork is signed, if it's real, the feelings will still be there.

August 12, 2001
2:17 am
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kafka
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I agree with Gingerleigh, Seabiscuit. Don't go in to this thing second guessing who you are. This Nicole woman sounds like the best and I'm quite sure you deserve the best. On the other hand, judging by your posts, Nicole wouldn't be getting chump change. You seem like a warm, funny, good man!

RELAX - you'll be fine.

Thought for the day:
Man is so made that whenever anything fires his soul, impossibilities vanish.
-La Fontaine

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