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**clownface.... need your help!!****
December 3, 2006
10:27 pm
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needtoheal
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Hey what's up hot lips!!

So you spent the day with KH... I am glad that you had a discussion...
I know all too well about habit, fear and the feeling of being loved by someone...
I went from being separated from the ex-husband to PS...the crutch...

As far as pondscum, I do not think he is capable of change... And you are correct that there are things that I would need to change if I wanted to make this relationship work..

He called me this afternoon.. My cell phone was turned off and then he called the house phone but did not leave a message.. I returned his call but he did not answer.. then he called back and quickly asked me how was my day and told me that he did not get home from the birthday party until 4 am and that eveyone was "pretty drunk".. said he had about 10 beers and drank slowly....
He said he had a good time... something different...

December 3, 2006
10:29 pm
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needtoheal
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I would not feel bad for KH because you are right, he is the one who created his situation and he will have to deal with the consequences.. You should not have to support him for his retirement......
(sounds something that PS would say to me too....)

December 3, 2006
10:33 pm
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needtoheal
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In a lot of ways cLown I am ready to let go... maybe spending last weekend with him made me see more clearly that we are not really in a relationship... It is just an illusion.. and I think that PS also uses me as an illusion to others... He told me that I was his trophy...

December 3, 2006
11:03 pm
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needtoheal
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Clown---

I guess you must have went to sleep because I have not heard from you!!

I am sure you are so exhausted... a weekend with men....

I hope that I can get to the bottom of this drowsiness. I cannot imagine that 20 mg paxil causes me to feel so drowsy....

I will tell you that it is prescribed for depression but also generalized anxiety disorder,and ObsessivepCompulsive Disorder...
It definitely has calmed me down.. I was not at all anxious today ...

This is a good sign for me....

Have a good night girls...

Talk to ya both soon....

LOve~
NEED

December 4, 2006
12:37 am
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Sorry, Need! My cable went down earlier and it is just now back up again.

I think that Paxil could make you drowsy like you are describing. I can check the PI for it and get back to you. What time of the day do you take it? Some anti-depressants are better tolerated in the AM while others have such a sedative effect that they should be taken in the PM. You may want to inquire with your local pharmacist, he/she may be able to check the PI (patient inforamtation/ product info) as well.

That is interesting that PS would call you his 'trophy.' Too bad he has treated his trophy with such disrespect. I am glad you are feeling more like you can let go. Paxil seems like it has kicked in and is helping with the anxiety. THIS A GOOD THING.

I understand what you mean by the illusion. KH has been just that for me. I am slowly beginning to see him for what he truely is: A BIG HAIRY GORILLA THAT IS UPSURPING ALL MY TIME, ENERGY, LIFE AND NOT TO MENTION, MONEY. He called me this morning @ 7:45 and asked me what time I was picking him to treat him to Cracker Barrell? I am so sick of this. Plus I am sick of not being able to let go. I simply don't understand what the problem is that I CAN'T SEEM TO DO THIS.

LM asked me to dinner again for Wed nite. I'm gonna gain 20lbs eating with him like this! Plus he is having some friends in for coctails before the Christmas party on Sat. nite. He asked me if I would like to return to his house afterwards for a small gathering after the party or would I like to go to a piano bar? Can you imagine my shock at a man asking ME what I preferred!! KH would tell me when I could blink let alone ask me if I wanted to do anything. HE made the decisions, not ME.

So after all this, I can say that I am having fun exploring LM as well coming to grips with my evolving feelings toward KH. My therapist tells me that KH is resonsible for whatever pain he incurs as a result of our final split. i can't imagine that there will be a final split, but I am extremely hopeful.

CYN, ARE YOU LURKING? COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU ARE!!!

Take good care,
Clown~

December 4, 2006
12:49 am
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clownface
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FYI:

I did not take KH to Cracker Barrell. I went to church with my daughters. Much better choice, wouldn't you agree?

December 4, 2006
9:36 am
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Clown~ I really, really need to set my alarm clock to wake up and chat with you!!!

Okay, just a few thoughts.

LM sounds like a wonderful, HEALTHY guy!!! I'm glad you are exploring things with him. Remember SLOW & STEADY. I don't sense him pushing, but just a cautinary reminder.

Now KH needs to get a grip. I'm wondering if he's being supportive in hopes that you will get better and keep him. I don't think he sees himself as part of the problem. He feels he's a great catch, but what makes him feel that way?

Yes, going to church with your daughters is WAY better than going to eat with KH. Would you feel comfortable with telling him to take himself out to eat the next time he invites you to take him out? I think it is VERY arrogant for him to assume you would want to take him out to eat.

Okay, I really need you to answer this question: What does KH GIVE you that makes you FEEL good? I can understand your hesitancy in letting go because of fear but is the fear worse than being treated so horribly?

I know about money!!! I calculated how much I had given FIB in the two years we were together and it is around $6500. I took out a loan to cover school which was $5800. I was so mad at myself!! I supported two households. Not any more. Now I pay the money I used to pay his bills into my savings account.

Need~ I think Paxil does make you drowsy. You may want to try a vitamin B complex to help. It should help give you a bit more energy.

Love to you both!

December 4, 2006
6:16 pm
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needtoheal
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Hi Girls!!!

Clown~ Lawyerman seems like he is a HEALTHY man to be around... I am glad to hear that he invited you over after the Christmas party....
I agree with Cyndra--Klunkhead needs to get a grip.....

Cyndra~ thanks for the reminder to take my vitamin B12 pills... I was still drowsy today but I am going to go to bed as soon as the boys go to bed tonight.. shutting the phones off because PS will probably call after he is done bowling....

Last night during the FEELINGS WHEEL Matt said that he noticed some things about his dad... He said that his father does not want me to go over to his house at all.. He asked me if I noticed that when Matt left his book at my house and I told his father that I could drop it off, Matt said that his father said right away that he would pick it up...

Matt was upset last night because his father asked him where were we the night before. Matt told him that we went to see his cousin perform in the Nutcracker.. He told his father that we got out late.. His father told him that if we are not going to be home when he calls (which he boasted that he calls them every night) that he won't call anymore.. What a jerk!! I told Matt that the answering machine is on and his father could leave a message... Slugshit is so manipulating....
Can't stand him... THen Matt said that the girlfriend gave up asking him about me & PS.. so now she asks Jake about me & PS... Jake told her that she needs to mind her own business.....

As far as PS, he called me last night.. it was late and I was so exhausted so we did not talk too much...

He called this morning to say good morning as he usually does...

Then when I was at work my friend told me that he was in the store. I called him when I was on my break and he told me that he went to the store to say hello to me ... and get something to eat for lunch.. He did not get to see me because I am now training for another department...

That is about all the shit for now...

LOVe to all

NEED

December 4, 2006
7:54 pm
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needtoheal
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----GG is home!!!---

Clown-- I talked to my pharmacist at my work and he said that it could make me drowsy.. I take it in the morning... and I only take one strattera pill instead of 2...

does not seem to matter..

If it continues to be like this maybe I will have to take it at nighttime...

One thing that is good about it, I am so calm... NOT REACTING ...

December 4, 2006
7:56 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyndra--and ---Clown

COME OUT, COME OUT, WHEREVER YOU

ARE!!!

December 4, 2006
8:46 pm
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needtoheal
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here is a website about coping... issues in relationships.. healing the inner child

http://www.coping.org

December 4, 2006
9:13 pm
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Hi Need!!!

I am seriously irritated with slugshit. What he said was manipulative and inexcusable. If I were in your shoes I'd say something to him about it. There is no reason why a grown man should be attempting to manipulate children.

I like Jake's response to the girlfriend!! Hooray for him!!!

I saw my therapist today and she quizzed me on what I intended to do the next time I meet a guy since I've had so many revelations about how FIB treated me. She thinks I have a good strategy.

I'm glad you are going to go to bed when the boys do. Can you take the Paxil at night? My xh does that so he isn't sleepy during the day. Just an idea.

Clown~ Hope you had a great day.

I'll chat with you both tomorrow.

December 4, 2006
9:34 pm
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needtoheal
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Hi Cyndra--

Slugshit is annoying..He called right after he got out of work. The answering machine picked up as Matt answered the phone and slugshit hung up... So Matt called him back. He is so weak... Then he will say that he misses Jake and when Jake responds with "I miss you too" Slugshit says "NO, you don't..You are just saying that"... THen Jake says "yes, I do...".. He does not say this to Matt anymore because Matt told him a long time ago that it bothers him...

Glad to hear that your therapist wants you to have a plan for when you do meet someone that you will want to date..

I cancelled my appointment today with my therapist.. I was just too tired...

Matt lost another tooth today so the tooth fairy comes TONIGHT...

Have to remember before I pass out...

Talk to you both soon....

love ya all

NEED

December 4, 2006
10:08 pm
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I know, I missed you both tonight! Hopefully you are both asleep and resting well.

Good thoughts on here tonight, as always.

Cyn-I do know why I can't let go of KH. It is purely fear. Fear of the unknown. I had breast cancer a few yrs ago, and he has always supported me with this. I guess I knew that if I had a re-occurance, he would be there for me. I am healthy now, with the exception of a small heart condition caused as a result of the chemo. He took care of me when I had a heart cath as well. He is a good nurse, just a very difficult person.

LM called tonight and asked if I would go to a WVU basketball game on WED nite and dinner before hand. I said that I would love to go.

KH has not called me all day. Now is the Push/Pull cycle. He thinks that I am gonna come all undone b/c he isn't calling now. I think this would be an excellent time to say: "This just isn't working for me." He'd shit a brick. (or two)

Need~

Ask the pharmacist if you can have the PI for Paxil. They usually throw them out, but they are available with every bottle of Paxil that a pharmacy gets. You can also go to Paxil.com and see what info is there, or webmd.com Or just google it and see what you find out.

I go to my counselor tomorrow nite and Girls, I think I am ready cut the cord with Klunkhead.

Klunkhead, no more. My family would be thrilled!

Smiles,
Clown~

December 4, 2006
10:19 pm
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needtoheal
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Clown~~

I am awake... I looked at the PDR for Paxil.. I am going to give it another day and see how drowsy I am tomorrow.. if I am still tired tomorrow I will call my doctor and see if I can take it at night... It will be two weeks tomorrow that I will be taking it....

I am so proud of you CLown.. I know that it is hard to detach especially when someone had been there while going through such a difficult time... Pondscum was there for me when I was going through the process of divorce from slugshit....

I went to the website that I posted and looked up detachment...

I think that you are ready for detaching from Klunkhead...

I am glad that you are going out with Lawyerman too... And doing different things together socially as well... That is important.. It is not the same mundane routine get-together....

I am here if you want to chat.. Got a second wind...

I am going to go put some money under Matt's pillow... Can't believe he lost another tooth....

Be right back

December 4, 2006
10:22 pm
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clownface
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So what is the going rate for a tooth these days?

December 4, 2006
10:23 pm
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needtoheal
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one dollar.. although for the front teeth they got $5

December 4, 2006
10:25 pm
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needtoheal
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Seems that they often lose their teeth when they are home with me...

Jake lost his last tooth at his father's house but it went down the drain when he was brushing his teeth...

he came home that night and left a note for the tooth fairy...

it was sooo cute... I saved the note

Matt told me tonight that he thinks that adults take the tooth and leave money... but then he said that he did see the tooth fairy once but no one believes him.

December 4, 2006
10:28 pm
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clownface
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Need~

I think you may be right, I am ready for detachment from KH. That is the topic I am going to explore with my counselor tomorrow night.I am so ready to be free of this toxic man. I just hope and pray I don't go into a tailspin and have the severe depression and anxiety like I did before. Even if things don't work out with LM, I need to be free of KH.

You know, I think it might be a good idea to try the Paxil at bedtime. Ask the pharmacist what the thinks or call your prescribing provider and seek guidance from him/her.

December 4, 2006
10:32 pm
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Ahhh, the essence of youth! Did you assure him that YOU beleived him about seeing the tooth fairy? I always left a dollar for my children's teeth as well--first tooth I think we gave a five.

So now PS is coming to the store to see ya, huh? That's interesting. Why is he doing that or did he do that before?

December 4, 2006
10:36 pm
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needtoheal
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I will. I am going to see how it goes tomorrow and I will talk to the pharmacist and doctor tomorrow if I still feel so drowsy...

You do need to get away from KH... and like you mentioned even if things do not work out with LM you still need to be away from KH because he is too toxic...

I wish that I could do the same with PS..

I cannot believe he came to my work today... I did not see him but my friend was sure to tell me that he was there.....
Since I do not have the kids this weekend
I have the feeling that he is going to ask me to do something with him this weekend... maybe a movie friday night... I don't know if he will come watch me bowl on Saturday...

On Sunday I have the work Christmas Party... I cannot wait...

December 4, 2006
10:39 pm
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needtoheal
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I did tell Matt that I believed him when he told me that he saw the tooth fairy... I remember he said that he saw the tooth fairy the night that Jake lost his front tooth....

PS has come into the store to see me... THe last time he was there was back in the middle of OCtober.. That was the last time I saw him before last weekend.. which was a LONG time for us to NOT see each other...

December 4, 2006
10:40 pm
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I asked him why did he come into the store... He said that he wanted to say hello to me and also wanted to get something to eat.... He said that he wanted to suprise me... He said that he could not look all around the store for me because he had the other guy that he works with out in the van...

December 4, 2006
10:41 pm
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I know what you mean. KH has already "booked' me to go see the new movie 'Holiday' with him Friday nite. Little does he realize that Sat nite I'm gonna be kickin' up my heels with someone else. I think I am going to tell him before Friday nite, the thing isn't working for me.

Now is the time to do it, i think.

So are you gonna take PS to the Christmas party? You know he's gonna want to stay with you this weekend if the he knows that the boys will be gone. YIKES!! BOY GERMS in the bed!!!

December 4, 2006
10:43 pm
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needtoheal
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Have not heard from PS tonight yet..

Last night he called very late..

After bowling last night he went home and was playing his new video game... he is probably doing the same thing tonight....

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