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**clownface.... need your help!!****
December 1, 2006
12:50 am
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needtoheal
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Matt-- he is in 4th grade

Jake--1st grade and doing well

This is such a small town that their father is living with his girlfriend and her two sons go to school with them... they are in Kindergarten and 2nd grade...

this is the first year with her kids here and it has been a big adjustment

December 1, 2006
12:51 am
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needtoheal
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that is also why I can relate to the small town and understanding how you felt about LM and the firm

December 1, 2006
12:51 am
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Okay, My dear friend, Need~ The old lady is gonna go hop in bed. My kitties are waiting on me. Besides, I get the day off tomorrow so I get to sleep in. Funny thing is, my body is so used to Kh waking me up that I CAN'T sleep past 6 no matter how hard I try.

Rest well, Sweet Need.

Love ya~
Clown )-O (that's me-sleeping!!)

December 1, 2006
12:52 am
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needtoheal
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Good night CLown....

thanks for chatting

and good luck tomorrow night

I will be thinking of you

December 1, 2006
12:56 am
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I'll chat with you tommorrow if you're gonna be around. I have loved chatting with you too.

Say a prayer for me~ I am so fearful of making a mistake. What if I really don't like LM after all and then KH has vanished. Believe me, if he finds out that I have been seeing someone else, it will be over for him. Okay, I'm gonna stop thinking about this before I get myself worked up all into a tizzy!!

December 1, 2006
8:54 am
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needtoheal
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Good morning girls!!

Cyndra-- Have you heard from FIB? How are things with the guy at work?
Hope all is well with you....
Have not heard from GG..

Clown-- I will say a prayer for you even though you are going to be just fine.. And I would not worry about KH disappearing... even if he knows about LM...

I hope you get to enjoy your day off today.....

I have to get Mandy out for a walk before it starts to pour... I have some cleaning to do around the house.. I also want to get some shopping in before the kids get home from school... Have to work tonight until 10pm ..

Keep us posted Clown

~love~
NEED

December 1, 2006
8:55 am
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needtoheal
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And I am going to definitely look for that book that you suggested ....

December 1, 2006
9:43 am
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Good Morning Ladies!

I had to get caught up on last night's conversation. You two were talking LONG after I'd gone to bed.

Clown~ I think it's great you went out with LM last night AND enjoyed yourself!! He sounds like a very nice man. You want to know how to feel about a man who pays for everything? GREAT!!! You deserve it!!!

As for KH, what exactly are you losing? What does he give you? Are you afraid to lose him or the illusion of being a couple? I know it's hard overcoming being addicted to a person, or a pattern of behavior, but we have to in order to be healthy.

The fact that KH EXPECTS you to pay for everything is enough to put his butt on ice. Why should he walk if you aren't a couple? HE said you're kaput, not you. So if you move on or chose to see someone else he cannot whine and moan. He told you that you weren't exclusive. To him that may mean you sit around and wait until he wants to pick you up again, but in the real world where the rest of us live that just doesn't fly.

Don't let fear limit you. I know how that is. It is something I fight with every day. You are not alone, but being aware of it helps me analyze what going on.

Gosh, that was long!! I hope that helps.

Need~ Hmm, PS may miss you, but I like that you aren't making yourself available all the time. I like that you are going to the Christmas party without him. Now, that's a real statement!!! You go, girl!!

As for getting back to teacing, I think your confidence will come back with time. I think that as you heal and recover you will become confident again. Look at all you do for your sons!! You will be able to use that experience to help other children. You have a real gift, Need.

I think you are both strong. It takes strength to recognize behaviors and STOP engaging in them. Yes, we struggle, but we keep trying. None of us have given up. I think that's really important to note. So, we're works in progress and we will be until we don't work any longer.

Since you'll both be around this morning so I look forward to talking to you.

Love you both,
Cyndra

December 1, 2006
11:20 am
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needtoheal
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Hey Cyndra--

How are you girl? I am doing alright.. Is it rainy in Maryland? It is 70 degrees here... but the rain is coming....

I am doing an experiment today. DId not take the sleeping pill last night (thank goodness I never would have been able to get the boys off to school)... and so I am going to see if I have a lot of daytime sleepiness or not....

Love ya
NEED

December 1, 2006
12:24 pm
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Need~ I saw what you and Clown were discussing about the sleeping meds. How do you feel so far? You may not have any sleepiness. I don't know if this would work for you or not, but Benadryl makes me zonk out in no time. I take it whenever I'm worried I won't sleep.

The early days without FIB it came in very handy.

Yes, it is raining here. At the moment we have showers, but they are promising winds gusting up to 60mph. Not looking forward to that. Downed power lines and trees. UGH!!! The weather is warm here too. I hear there will be a cold front coming through by Monday. I'm rather looking forward to using the down comforter that sits on the end of my bed rather than kicking it to the floor every night.

Love,
Cyn

December 1, 2006
12:58 pm
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needtoheal
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I am feeling okay today so far... Benadryl is a great idea in case I am unable to fall asleep instead of taking a sleeping pill.. Thanks for the I .. I took Benadryl as a sleep aid when I was in a lot of pain from the herniated discs last year....

I just got back from shopping.. I bought some new clothes for myself..

I am so glad that I got the paxil, Cyndra.. A few weeks ago I was crying whenever I was alone..

My therapist was not against me taking an anti-depressant but she wanted to know why I felt that it was warranted.. However, she also clarified that what I had been feeling was ok or normal since I was having difficulties with PS and also churning up things from the past.. That is true but the symptoms were impacting my life-- crying at work, crying when I was alone, etc..

And it also has smoothed out my ADD symptoms as well...

I think the key is that I am able to recognize it and I am always willing to do something about it.. Last week I called the psychiatrist up and asked to see him that day because I did not want to keep going on like I was...

December 1, 2006
1:00 pm
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needtoheal
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Clown~

Hope you put the phone on silent and slept in this morning...

December 1, 2006
1:38 pm
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needtoheal
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Another reason why I might NOT be sleep this afternoon is because I am home alone and eating some Halloween candy...

December 1, 2006
1:44 pm
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Need - Just popping in real quick to say HELLO! Have a great day and a wonderful weekend. I think of you often, hope all is well.

December 1, 2006
3:28 pm
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needtoheal
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Girls--- I just missed an opportunity with pondscum... After I got back from picking up the boys from school there was a message on my home answering system... from pondscum.. He never programmed my NEW cell phone number into his cell phone and had erased all the calls... I called him back..

December 1, 2006
4:30 pm
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Need~ What did he want? What do you mean by "I missed an opportuntiy"? An opportunity for what?

I think it's good that he didn't program your new cell number. Look at it this way, instant gratification has been taken away from him. You aren't at his beck and call.

I know it's hard because you do care for him and miss him, but I think it's good that you control when you contact him and how much access he has to you.

December 1, 2006
4:38 pm
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needtoheal
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I meant that I missed the opportunity for him NOT to have my cell number again....

He is at work and just wanted to talk...

My therapist also thought that it is good that I am in control of how much contact that I have with him and how much access he has to me...

I am trying so hard to stay detached.. not at his beck and call...

December 1, 2006
4:54 pm
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needtoheal
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Clown~

I hope that you have a great time tonight with LM....

Let us know how it goes...

thinking of you

LOve,
NEED

December 1, 2006
4:56 pm
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Need~ You know I've been lurking on the Charmer thread. The things that Ladeska, Snow and other have written have really given me so much to think about!!!

The one thing that keeps coming back to me is how you, Clown and I keep going back to these men who don't treat us as we deserve to be treated. I think Ladeska wrote something along the lines we keep seeking validation from the very ones who have hurt us. (Sorry if I messed that up, Ladeska!!)

That was so hard for me to read and accept, but deep down I knew I did to begin to detach myself. It is still so hard. I will go days without missing him. Then I'll think about something we planned to do and realize it won't ever happen and I start bawling like an infant.

I know that the relationship was bad for me. He is bad for me. So I just remember that what I "loved" was the image I created in my head and not who he is.

I am not saying that's the case for you. I don't think that at all, but I think that you should maintain control. All too often we let them have control over us when they have no right. No one has that right.

Okay, this has gone on much longer than I intended. I hope I didn't upset you. Mich is always saying I give tough love, but I don't think so. Besides, it's just my two-cents worth. LOL

December 1, 2006
4:56 pm
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needtoheal
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Girls--

I still have the daytime drowsiness.. I guess it has to be from the paxil or it is the symptom of depression because before I put my head down and the next thing I know it was a half an hour later...

So there is no correlation to the sleeping pill.

December 1, 2006
5:06 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyndra-- I appreciate all that you tell me...

I have lurked on the charmer thread as well...

I am not so sure how I truly feel about him.. I think it is the image of him... but I have to admit that the goodbye kiss did affect me last Sunday..

But I do know that he cannot meet my needs Cyndra... emotionally and also physically.. Why would I even settle for someone that has no desire...

You read on this thread to Clown that
NOTHING happened when he stayed over with me... THat is why I had mentioned a while ago to you about that GIFT he gave to his friend's wife.. (remember...) I find that to be so odd...considering he does not have a sex drive... I don't know.. THis could be a form of control over me....

Besides Cyndra.... HE cannot afford to rent space in my head... $250,000 per milimeter...??

I know that we all do NOT deserve to be treated the way in which these men treated us... We are all too smart and too good for these men to be in our minds...

I can see a difference with my interactions with him now that we had a break...

Sorry to ramble on...

Keep lurking on Ladeska's thread...

She talks a lot about healing the inner child...

that is something else that I think is my problem here with pondscum...

My psychiatrist said

THE REJECTION OF MEN

Well, it is that I am replaying my childhood over with a man that is just like my father... and my brother...

December 1, 2006
5:08 pm
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needtoheal
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CyndRA--

You seem to be more in control about FIB though... a lot stronger than me...

Maybe I do not know...

December 1, 2006
5:19 pm
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Need~ I don't feel any stronger than either of you. I didn't start this journey until October 12th which is also the day I completely broke things off with FIB.

I am working on healing my inner child. I'm not sure what all she needs to heal from but I am letting her talk to me and taking it slowly. There is no time limit on my healing. It's a lifetime commitment.

I know you see that PS will not and cannot give you what you need. Now all you have to do is decide why you maintain contact. I have no idea why I talk to FIB once or twice a week. I'm not desperate to talk to him. If I want to talk to him I do, but if I don't I don't. The NEED to talk to him is leaving me slowly but surely. Nice to know that it will be gone one day.

I really like the Charmer thread. You had told me once before that you lurk there as well. It is a powerful thread. Ladeska makes you think, doesn't she? I really like her writing. I printed it out so I could read it more thoroughly.

I know you are going to work in a bit. Enjoy your shift. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

I wonder if Clown is with KH or if she went shopping...

December 1, 2006
5:33 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyndra--

My need to talk to him seems to be dying down a bit...

Ladeska has some powerful words.. and really does make us think..

I admire you Cyndra... You give me hope and inspiration and I do appreciate all that you have said to me....

Hope you have a good night....

Love ya

NEED

I am wondering about Clown....

thanks Cyndra

December 1, 2006
5:35 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyn---

FOr some reason I did not know that things broke off only recently as Oct 12th with FIB...

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