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**clownface.... need your help!!****
November 30, 2006
11:27 pm
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needtoheal
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He should get a workup... Did I ever tell you that he was a regular every day pot smoker for 10 years?? He used to smoke about 4 pot-filled cigars a day... Then he met me and he quit... He did not have a choice because I would not hang out with him... I will never forget the day.. his birthday.. I told him that if he smokes then I would not see him.. I called him that night after I got out of work and he was high.. and drunk... and I did not see him that night... that was 4 years ago...

November 30, 2006
11:29 pm
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needtoheal
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I have seen an improvement.. but then again that could be just the sweet phase where he will do anything to lure me back...

November 30, 2006
11:29 pm
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Thanks for having me re-think what my evening would be like with KH. I can tell you that I would be paying for everything. He would go home around 8:30 or so b/c he has sleeping problems and can't stay up late. I'd be back at my house, sitting on my duffle and twiddling my thumbs at 8:00. LM is 38 yrs old, KH is 62!

November 30, 2006
11:33 pm
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needtoheal
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PS is 38... same age as me.. HE is another one who has to take naps.. but then I know that it is called amotivational syndrome from all that pot smoking...

It helps me sometimes to think ahead about what is typical.. I did that before I saw PS this past weekend.. Then when we did not go to the movies and we ended up jumping in bed and falling asleep.. I was okay with that... and not upset... and not disappointed whereas before I would have been upset and then he would have gotten mad, and it would snowball ....him wanting to leave, then me wanting him to leave, then he would want to stay... etc

November 30, 2006
11:34 pm
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clownface
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I did not know about the POT. That could be a contributing factor to the lack of 'performance.'

I hate to tell ya, but you could be right. The 'sweet phase' is how KH lured me back into the trap every time. If this is the case with PS, I do think you will be much stronger this time, if you decide to call it quits. Just remember, you call the shots this time--NOT him.

November 30, 2006
11:37 pm
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needtoheal
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and maybe it would be good to keep KH on his toes about you... since he is the one who mentioned Ka-put!!

I know that it is difficult because you are so used to being with him..

When I started to be apart from PS it was like withdrawal!!!!

That is why I even read the book about being addicted to a person... INteresting book...

I think that i used to fill up my free time with PS when I did not have the kids because I was uncomfortable in being alone.. and now that I have this web site and other things like the puppy I do not feel so lonely...

it is difficult but I am getting used to it.. I do not want to go back to like it was with him ....

November 30, 2006
11:41 pm
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needtoheal
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That is what my therapist had always told me too... that I am in CONTROL.. and NOT him...

I did that even when My ex-husband had left.. I gave him the power of determining the relationship until I had enough and filed for divorce on the sucker...

I am at least aware that this could be a phase... I can predict that it is definitely a roller coaster with him.. that is for sure... but I think that now that I am taking the anti-depressant which seems to have calmed me down .. my reactions have also changed... not to mean that I am supposed to tolerate his abuse... but I am in more control of my own self...

November 30, 2006
11:43 pm
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needtoheal
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Definitely keep me posted.. I will be thinking of you tomorrow night.. THe boys are going with their father overnight and I am working 6pm -10pm.. PS has to work early Saturday morning so I will not have any plans on seeing him tomorrow night...

November 30, 2006
11:44 pm
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needtoheal
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knowing him, however, that could be the reason why he got so much sleep tonight.. because he would want to do something with me tomorrow after I get out of work.... but I am not going to even think about it....

November 30, 2006
11:45 pm
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needtoheal
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I am glad that we got the chance to talk tonight..

I am so glad that we have each other and have gotten to know each other here..

You are terrific!!!!!

November 30, 2006
11:47 pm
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clownface
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Oh, I went through terrible withdraw. I really thoguht I was gonna suffer a heart attack during that time. So did my family. I was acrazy person. Fact is, I am the one who left, I called it Ka-put long before KH did. I am the one who said , enough of this sh--, I am leaving, and I did. I just didn't antisipate the separation anxiety and the co-pendency issues that I was suddenly caught in. I thought that i had it all figured out, UNTiL i spent the first night in my new home and thought I was gonna die. I wanted to go back to his home so bad that I would drive by at 3:00 am just to be close. I was beyond miserable. That's when I went to a therapist and got an antidepressant. I am much, much better but I still have to have my "KH fix" daily.

November 30, 2006
11:51 pm
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needtoheal
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Sounds like me... I am also diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder and take medication daily for that as well... But the anti-depressant is also prescribed for ADD symptoms too.. I can feel a change already...

I had a bad case of separation anxiety when I was a child.. even before I was molested at a young age.. I remember hanging onto the railings at school in kindergarten every day .. until the end of the school year...

November 30, 2006
11:53 pm
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clownface
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You know, I really don't know how I found this site, but I am sure glad that I did. You have been a source of encouragement to me beyond words. I think we are in very similar situations, but you are the stronger one. I admire your strength. I can only hope that one day I will be telling you that KH is a bad memory and LM is the main man or that I am just fine by myself.

I am actually taking a vacation day tomorrow so I will be around earlier than usual.. KH calls me around 6:00AM so I'll have a report on him.

November 30, 2006
11:57 pm
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needtoheal
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I thank you for those kind words.. but I do not think that I am the strong one...

I don't even know how I came across this site either..

I am so excited for you with LM..

Even if he is a friend...

I will be around tomorrow because I do not have to go to work until 6pm..

It will be strange because the boys will be in school and I will have time to MYSELF tomorrow until 3pm..

I am going to do some clothes shopping.. I cannot fit into my old jeans since I have lost weight..

Plus I want to look for something for this Christmas party coming up soon...

I cannot help but to have such a crush on the married guy at work..
although I know that it has to be only a crush...

November 30, 2006
11:58 pm
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clownface
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You have experienced definite abondonment issues early in life. This may explain why you have issues with moving on as well. I got my degree in counseling (that where I met KH, he was an istructor at the university & he's still a counselor there)I don't know much about ADD. Do you take something just for the ADD as well as Paxil?

December 1, 2006
12:00 am
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needtoheal
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Does KH call you every morning?

PS calls me usually every morning too..

His mother told me that before he had his cell phone he would go out to his car during the cold months, turn on the car to get warm, run back inside and get on the phone to call me... every work day morning... like clockwork.. and I always answered the phone..

Another reason why he was so mad when I changed my cell phone number on him..../

December 1, 2006
12:02 am
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clownface
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Oh Lord, Need~~STAY AWAY FROM THE MARRIED MAN!

Admire from afar. This is danger/danger!!!

I will have to come to MD and haul your a-- to WV!!

I was just in MD a few weeks ago for my work. I stayed in Hunt Valley, I think. Does that sound like anyplace you've heard of before? I think I flew into BWI???

December 1, 2006
12:05 am
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needtoheal
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I was diagnosed when my ex-husband left me and I was so distraught.. I was at first treated as if I was bi-polar with lithium and other drugs for my anger....

Turns out that I self-diagnosed.. In fact, it was because of PondSCum that I went to the psychiatrist and insisted to get medications for ADD... I was so impulsive when I met pondscum... this damn attraction thing... SO it is ironic that because I had met him I got diagnosed...and treated..

I used to take ritalin,... Now I take strattera which is a non-stimulant medication for the treatment of Adult ADD..

As far as abandonment issues, I talked with my mother about this separation anxiety.. and ADD>. she said that I had all the symptoms of ADD as a child.. which is partly due to the anxiety as well..

Interestingly enough, I think that I was always with my mother..

December 1, 2006
12:07 am
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needtoheal
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Clown~~

I am from New Jersey,... Cyndra is from Maryland..

My brother played minor league baseball in West Virginia... Bluefield.. Orioles.. He was a pitcher and drafted in the 15th round.. but hurt his arm and that was the end of that ,....

December 1, 2006
12:08 am
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clownface
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Yes, KH calls me every AM. Of course, when we lived together, he woke me up every morning. Usually he would make me a cup of hot tea, and bring it to the bedside for me. Sounds nice right, well his only motive was to wake me up. I am a nite owl (obviously) and he went to bed with the chickens. He took great pleasure in waking me up--still does. I have been afraid to not take his calls for fear he would stop. (My sicko-ness kicking in again) This AM I turned my phone on silent. I plan to do the same tomorrow esp. since I am taking a vacation day. He has come to my door though and still manages to wake me up. I am so sleep deprived. Six yrs of this stuff!!

December 1, 2006
12:09 am
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needtoheal
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I know that the married man is too dangerous.... but I do admire him from a distance...!!

Too bad the studman is not around...

Oh gosh,, let's not go there again.. 4 hours in my mini-van in the bowling alley parking lot... like a teenager!!!

December 1, 2006
12:12 am
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clownface
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Oh, okay. I thought you were in MD. I guess from the delivery charges from Sloppy Joe's.

Does the Straterra help? Is there any interaction between Paxil and Straterra? I guess not, or your provider would not have put you on them!

December 1, 2006
12:12 am
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needtoheal
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I see... he loved to wake you up because he wanted your attention...

I know that it is hard not to answer the phone every morning.. That is why I did not obsess about it when I changed the cell number because I KNEW that he could not call... I changed it more because of my own issues...

December 1, 2006
12:17 am
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needtoheal
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No... but I take the Paxil first and then wait to take the Strattera because I think that I get too sleepy from all three pills...

Although sleepiness is a symptom of depression...

Last night, for example, I went to bed about 9pm..

Pondscum called at midnight after bowling.. talked to him for about 15 minutes..

then went back to sleep until 7:30 this morning which is later than usual for me...

THen went to work 10-2 pm

after the kids got out of school they went to a friend's house for a playdate until 5 pm

I walked them over to the friend's house and walked back home and went upstairs and fell asleep----fast asleep... until 4:30...

I could not believe it.

December 1, 2006
12:18 am
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See, you are the stronger one. I couldn't more change my cell #, for fear that KH wouldn't BE ABLE to call me. He punishes me by not calling, then I go NUTS. Gotta have a fix. KH know perfectly how ti play me. He tells methat all the time. "You're so easy!" I suppose he is right. Won't he be surprised when I tell him, "This just isn't working for me anymore." Gosh , Need, I so want to have the strength to tell him that.

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