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**clownface.... need your help!!****
March 2, 2007
4:56 pm
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cyndra820
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Need,

My oldest sister is like that. She got angry with me and stopped speaking to me. She wouldn't tell me why, but she told a mutual friend of ours.

When our grandmother got very ill she didn't even call me. Said it wasn't her job. That was in 2004. She hates me. I've come to accept it.

Some people lack maturity, Need. Clearly my sister and your brother should go to the same school for becoming adults.

Oh, well. Their loss!!!

Love you!

PS Tell the boys to send me two rootbeer floats!! Those are my favorites!!!

March 2, 2007
5:42 pm
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needtoheal
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I think you are right... people do need to start to act their age!!

Sorry to hear about that about your sister too..

The boys want to create rootbeer float ice cream cups now!! so creative!!

love you

NEED

March 2, 2007
11:41 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyndra---

Just read what you had posted to Mich on her thread and I want to tell you that I absolutely loved the "WHO ARE THEY AND WHAT ARE THEY TO ME?"....... Thank you!!!!

I will definitely keep that in mind... even though the rose-tinted glasses are off and broken, I still sometimes need to remind myself of this question in regards to PS and others......

thinking of you

NEED

March 4, 2007
9:05 pm
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Hey Need,

How are you and the boys? I was thinking about all of you today when I looked at a bearded dragon at the pet store. I wish I could see all of your pets and the boys.

I did something silly on Friday. I called FIB's cell phone. I blocked my number to assure he wouldn't answer and send me to voice mail. I wanted to see how I would feel when I heard it. Okay, it was silly, childish even.

I felt nothing. I felt no need to talk to him. I didn't feel sad at hearing his voice. I haven't been angry at him in a long time. It felt good to not feel anything.

I have decided to volunteer teaching at a computer training program. I don't know if this is something I oculd do as a job, but I am very interested in learning how to train people. So, I am incorporating what my therapist told me to do.

That's all that is happening here in Maryland. I'm doing okay.

Now, where is Clownface? I hope she's okay.

Love,
Cyndra

March 4, 2007
11:15 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyndra--

I think that volunteering as a computer training program is great! You are going to do well. I can remember those nights in which you guided me and you were so patient and supportive of me.. I thank you for that...

I do not think that calling FIB's cell phone and blocking your number was childish at all.. sounds like something that I would do..

I am glad to hear that you are feeling NOTHING in regards to him now.

I am doing fine.. thanks for asking. Been experiencing some migraine headaches which I have never had before.

Speaking of the bearded dragons, the female dragon is going to lay eggs soon. This is your youngest nephew's dragon that we hatched from an egg two years ago...

What is so interesting about the dragons is that they can mate once. The females retain the sperm and can therefore have consecutive clutches every month (up to four months in a row of 15-20 eggs at a time)... SO with just one mating, the dragon can have up to 100 eggs in four months!!!!

The last clutch all hatched.. They were hatched the last day of school. It was cool because I had taken the dragon to school for when J was in Kindergarten and his classmates were able to experience the following of the baby dragons from pregnancy to hatching... I took in the female when she was pregnant (with the protruding belly).. Then after the eggs were laid and placed in the incubator, after enough time lapse, I brought in the incubator and we candle-lit (placed a flashlight up to the egg and saw the embryo move).. Then, as I mentioned, it was ironic that they hatched on the last day of school.. I brought in a hatchling and the kids were thrilled!!

Mandy and Milo are getting along quite well... I am enjoying taking them for long walks.. Today I went for a walk with them with my mother which was nice because I got to spend some alone time with her since JC was at work and the kids were with SLUGSHIT ... Yes, he continues to be SLUGSHIT ....

As far as PS, the rose-tinted glasses are definitely off and broken. I am grateful, however, for going through the experience..

During these past several months with JC, I have been applying a lot of what I have learned in the past and it feels great.. I think that I have become definitely more assertive in expressing what it is that I want and what I need to have a healthy relationship..

I have also learned to apply that I cannot control others.. and that others are responsible and accountable for their own choices that they make..

I know that I must have told this to you a million times so I apologize in advance if I am repeating myself . However, my therapist was talking to me about how things happen. I used to tell her that PS was in my life for a reason and that things happen for a reason. SHe told me that she disagreed because she told me:
Things do NOT happen for a reason. Things happen because of the CHOICES that we make.. Even not doing something (as in the case of the passive-aggressive SLUGSHIT) is a CHOICE! 🙂

When I think about this, it does make a person reflect on their OWN behavior...

This helps me with my situation now because I do not want to regress into another yet co-dependent relationship. I explained to JC that although it is nice and thoughtful that she would like to do things for me, at this stage in my own recovery, there will be times in which I can do things for myself. I no longer want to become dependent on someone else for the things that I am capable of doing myself...

One night JC had recommended that since we were both going to be working on a Friday night, we should get out at the same time. I told her that I was going to be getting out an hour earlier than her.
She suggested that because we could both get home at the same time. She then asked me what would I do with an hour of my time without her. I told her that I was not sure. I told her that I am capable of being alone and I would be able to now handle that...

Before I forget or get sidetracked, I wanted to tell you the next creation of the boys. As you know, your oldest nephew has a learning disability in written expression (as well as ADD). He decided along with his brother that they were going to create a family newsletter.. They were both co-editors. They also brainstormed about what sections that they would want and came up with an events section, sports, and classified (yes,.... a classified section for the used toys that remain in the basement that they have yet to depart with!)...

So now we have : a restaurant, a family newsletter (which costs $.25 per issue except every other weekend which it then is FREE)!!!
and we also have our FEELINGS WHEEL..

Your oldest nephew explained to the guidance counselor (social worker) at his school about our feelings wheel. She loved the idea. I spoke to her the other day about M's worries and how to help him in cope. I told her that I also limit the amount of time to about 15 minutes so that there is not too much explanation about the worries. Then after expressing their feelings, they often feel more relieved and are comfortable in going to bed at night. There was a suggestion for the boys to "put whatever worries that they most had about the day underneath their pillow for the night".. FOr me, I am going to try to come up with something more concrete for them both.. Have them put something either written underneath the pillow or symbolic for their worry under the pillow. My children are more concrete than abstract thinkers so this is more helpful to them....

Speaking of things for under the pillow.... ONCE AGAIN THE TOOTHFAIRY COMES TONIGHT!!!

M lost another tooth!!

I am glad that he did not misplace it like J did.. Remember when he misplaced his tooth and he wrote a note to the toothfairy and asked her to sign the paper by the X.. THen his older brother said that it would be good to see the toothfairy's handwriting because his friends had told him that she was make believe and that I could have been indeed the toothfairy.... !!!!!!!!

THinking of you!!!

love,
NEED

March 5, 2007
12:57 am
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Hello Ladies:

I am back from Arizona, had a very good time but extremely hectic! I DID win the trip to Maui so I'll be leaving again in April for that trip.

It was so good to read both of your posts. Cyn, I LOVE to cook as well. It is my passion! Unfortunately, my schedule limits the time I can spend in the kitchen. One of these day, though. Intersting about FIB...glad you didn't feel anything. Were you surprised that you DIDN'T feel anything? I need to listen to the song you mentioned. Volunteering sounds like a good idea.

Need, how are ya? I need to read your other threads so I can catch up on what's going on! Hope you, boys and pups are doing fine!

I could write so much about what is going on with me but to save time and space and your sanity, I'll just say, "It's going good!"

I'll be back tomorrow when I can share more.

Love, hugs and giggles to you both.
Clown~

March 5, 2007
11:09 am
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Hi Clown,

Nice to have you back. As you can tell we missed you AND we forgot you were out of town!! LOL

I was VERY surprised that I felt nothing for him. I am still a bit shocked. I had joked with a friend the other night about my calling him and she said, "He will not validate you. You will want him to validate you and he won't. You don't want to go back there again." I get the impression that I shouldn't call him or joke aboutit!!! I love her for the thought!! She is a wonderful friend.

I can't wait to hear about your trip to AZ. I need a vacation. I may have to take my vicariously through you!!

Cyn

March 5, 2007
10:24 pm
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needtoheal
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Clown... welcome back... as Cyndra said we sure did miss you AND we did forget that you were away...

cyndra--

Sonic -- the female bearded dragon-- laid 23 eggs tonight.. We put them in a makeshift incubator. They should hatch in 60 days...

It was interesting because I called my mother and told her. She said "Oh god, what are you going to do with them now?" She then did not let me respond and said "THROW THEM AWAY!!"

Funny thing that is so weird is that PS also had bearded dragons. At one point they were at my house until I gave them all back to him.. He has an incubator that he is NOT using but I do not want to ask him for it because I do not want the connection to him anymore... so I made my own creation with the help of JC..

The boys now not only have the written newspaper but they do a "LIVE BROADCAST" -- events, sports, and weather.

It was hilarious,..

They gathered on the bottom bunk bed. Strung some wire through the slats of the top bunk and used that as a microphone.
then Jake did the weather. Matt held up the map that they drew. He said that it was going to be 5 degrees tomorrow.. It was funny because as he was pointing to the map, Matt was moving the paper.. We were cracking up....

Then for the sports he told what went on in gym class today...!!

And the events of the day was watching the bearded dragon lay her eggs. It was cool . Unfortunately I do not have a video camera because I am sure that a lot of people have not seen a dragon lay eggs...

that is the news here.

love ya

NEED

March 13, 2007
10:15 pm
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needtoheal
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Clown---

Have not heard from you in a while and I am thinking of you!! 🙂

Cyndra--

I took Mandy and Milo for a walk this morning and Mandy slipped out of her collar and was running all over the place.. Thank goodness there were people walking around the track and Mandy ran up to them and laid down for them to scratch her belly! So I was able to grab her... And Thank goodness that there were not any squirrels around...

Missing you both

NEED

March 13, 2007
11:35 pm
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Hey girlies!

All is well in WV! found out yesterdy that my daughter is having baby boy.

KH sold his house and wants to move in with me--share expenses equally. Jury still out on this one. He is going to Hawaii with me in a few weeks. So far, for the past few months, he has been really good. He has had a few set-backs but not near to the degree as in the past.

I've got to hop off of here soon. Wil fill you in on the details ASAP.

Hugs and Smiles~

Clown

March 14, 2007
8:43 am
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Hello Ladies!!

Need~ Those terriers can be tricky!! Make sure you can only get two fingers under her collar so that she really has to wriggle out of her collar. That way you can feel how much she's struggling before she gets out of it.

Clown~ Glad you are having such a good time with KH. I hope you think his moving in with you from all angles. Could he be on his best behavior simply to lull you into believing he's changed so you will let him move in? Just a thought.

Okay, update on me here. I have almost finished "Codependent No More." I am in the last chapter I believe.

In the chapter about 12-step programs I was really struck by the story about the invisible boat. If you can read it, it's on pages 194-195. It got me to understand that, for me, working a program is something I NEED to do. I start going to Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings on Saturday.

I'm a bit nervous because I never thought I'd be doing this. I never thought I'd be working a program. I remember how I dismissed the possibility of working a program six short months ago. I said I wasn't a joiner. Oh, guess what? I AM a joiner!!

I've started my own business to take advantage of the consulting opportunity that dropped into my lap. It's been challenging, but I know I'll be much happier doing what I love rather than being a secretary. So, I should be bidding on my first contract by the end of April.

I haven't heard anything from FIB and I LOVE it that way. The anger is definitely gone. Okay, I will admit to the occasional flare up, but mostly it's just "whatever". Life is good and so am I.

Love,
Cyndra

March 15, 2007
12:20 am
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Cyndra~

You crack me up! I love the admission of the "occasional flare up!" I am going to get the book & read the selection (as well as the rest of) the book you mentioned.

You are probably right about KH--zebras don't change their stripes. I am taking him to Maui with me--we'll see how he behaves for the trip. Ten days alone with him, would/should tell me a lot.

Glad the anger is gone......

WHERE'S NEED?

Love,

Clown~

March 15, 2007
6:50 pm
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needtoheal
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HI Clown~~~

Been missing you lots...

I AM NOW ** JC FREE **

Long story short, she was mad that Pondscum would call... She ended up getting out of this house and moving back with her parents who live an hour away from me... She still wants to work things out but I am completely done......

As far as Pondscum, I still talk with him.. We are not in a relationship...

Cyndra---

Missing you lots....

love,
NEED

March 15, 2007
11:43 pm
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Need:

Good to hear from you! So how do you feel about being JC FREE? Am I sniffing some PS coming back 'round!?! How are the boys? I hope doing well. How is SS doing? How 'bout his girlfriend with the boys?

Cyndra, how are ya? Doing anything special for the weekend? Seen any good movies lately? I am looking for something to see Friday nite.

Did I tell you all my grandbaby is going to be a little boy? We are having a blast buying little boy stuff!!!

Love to you all,

Clown~

March 16, 2007
11:34 am
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Clown--
Congratulations on the soon-to-be baby boy!!! What fun they can bring....

As far as PS, well, I have been speaking to him but I have my heart guarded!!! 🙂 I have been through a lot since last September that I truly need a break...

The boys are doing well.. They are still being their creative selves. Now we have our very own newspaper with an events, sports and classified sections (the classifieds list all of their old toys that are no longer wanted...)..

They even do a newscast... Wish you could see them do the weather.. The one holds up the hand drawn map and the other tells of the weather forecast while the other moves the map all around.. It is hilarious!!

love,
NEED

March 16, 2007
4:21 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyndra--

Hope all is well with you.. Not sure if you are having the same weather as me, but this weather is unreal... 75 degrees the other day and now sleet!!

thinking of you

love,
NEED

March 16, 2007
4:22 pm
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Hello Ladies,

Glad to see that we're all around this week!!!

I am currently dealing with a nasty cold. I usually don't get them this bad and am really pissed to be sick. I have an even to go to at the Kennedy Centre tomorrow night then a reception at the Watergate. I'm going no matter how sick I am. I will dope up on sudafed and whatever else to get me there!! I have been looking forward to this event since I bought the tickets two months ago!!

Other than that, I'm good.

Clown~ Congratulations on your grandson!! Buying little boy stuff must be lots of fun.

Need~ Glad you ae JC free!! You deserve to be free of drama for the rest of your life! I am glad your house is now peaceful. Glad to see it didn't affect the boys too much either.

Today is FIB's birthday and my first reaction when I realized this was "I saved myself $300 on gifts this time!" Kinda funny!! Being codependent helped me be a great gift giver!

Okay, that's all for now. I'll write more over the weekend.

Love,
Cyndra

March 22, 2007
1:31 am
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HI LADIES:

CYNDRA, HOW ARE YOU FEELING & HOW WAS YOUR OUTING @ THE KENNEDY CENTRE? I HOPE YOU FELT OKAY AND ENJOYED YOUR LITTLE SELF.

NEED: HOW ARE THINGS IN YOUR WORLD SANS JC? I HOPE THIS FINDS YOU HAPPY AND AT PEACE. ANY WORD FROM PS?

I HAD TO LAUGH.......I WAS A GREAT GIFT GIVER TOO, WHEN I WAS SO ATTACHED TO KH. WE ARE STIL TOGETHER, HOWEVER THERE IS FAR MORE BALANCE IN OUR COUPLEDOM. WE ARE GETTING READY TO GO TO HAWAII IN A FEW WEEKS.

I AM TRULY ENJOYING BUYING LITTLE BOY CLOTHES! IT IS SO MUCH FUN AND THE BABY IS STARTING TO BE REALLY ACTIVE.

LET'S KEEP IN TOUCH. YOU BOTH WERE AND CONTINUE TO BE A STRONG SOURCE OF STRENGTH FOR ME.

LOVE TO ALL,

CLOWN~

March 22, 2007
7:33 am
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Hi Clown!!!

I'm glad things are more even with KH. Just keep setting boundaries and not backing down. That will help him see you are serious about taking care of you first.

Gosh, he gets to go to Maui and I don't. RATS!! I hope you have a wonderful time. Maui is gorgeous!!! I have a co-worker who wants ideas on where to go in Hawaii. He's going in August. I almost feel sorry for him, but it will be filled with abundant sunshine!!

Love,
Cyndra

March 22, 2007
6:27 pm
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needtoheal
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Clown~~

Nice to read your post... Sorry I have not been around lately.. A lot has transpired between me and JC.. but has calmed down for the moment.

As far as PS, well, he stopped over last night with his motorcycle that he just bought... He knows that JC was living here but I am not so sure if he knows to the extent of my relationship with her.. but to me, that is none of his business anyway.

I am currently recovering from a sinus infection, strep throat and also a urinary tract infection.. so the antibiotic that was given should be able to at least knock it all out at once..!!
I am sure that all the stress that I have been under lately sure does not help with my immune system so I am trying to take the time to take care of myself!!

JC does not seem to understand that I need some space and some time to relax. She keeps pushing and pushing to see me. However, the other day when she knew that I did not go to work (she drove by and saw my car parked at the house) she was angry because she had the feeling that I was with PS.(which I was. He took me to his doctor and we went to watch the boys bowl). She was so angry that she called the cell phone and left three messages and she also left a nasty e-mail for me saying that she is done crying over me..
I am going to assert myself for my space that I need because it has been getting me down. and I am completely exhausted.
I have a difficult time saying no but I am learning.

What excitement for you Clown to be heading off to Maui... Sure wish I could go with you .. and the boys would love it as well.. They could make us some drinks and food for us while relaxing on the beach..

thinking of you
NEED

March 26, 2007
1:05 am
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Hope all is well with you both...

Cyndra-- How are you feeling? I hope you are feeling better SOON...

I am thinking of you....

Had a good day today.. cleaned the house like a wild woman... your oldest nephew VOLUNTEERED to help !!

I was so proud of him today.. His brother could not find his helmet for his bike and he wanted so desperately to ride down at the track with his brother.. while I took the puppies for a walk... So Matt went down the basement with him and they searched to find his helmet.

then tonight after our feelings wheel and worry time (15 minutes allowed for talking about any worries and then we bury them for the night)... anyway, the yougest nephew lost one of his games to his Nintendo DS... His brother said that we are all going to help him look for it since we are a TEAM, and if we cannot find it, he is going to take out his money from his bank and buy him a new game.. I told him that was so nice of him to do and that I would split the amount in half... and he responded to me "No .. this is what i want to do for my brother since it is so important to him"... No kidding.. they amaze me sometimes.. Now they are into creating things with LEGOS.. that is the new creative thing for them... aside from the newspaper and news cast... and making up songs to sing to people while i am on the phone...

Mandy and Milo are getting along just fine. They walk really good together on a leash. I have them coupled together. It was so funny because Milo was on his back trying to scratch his back when Mandy was pulling forward and dragging him along on the track...

Today was more relaxing since I did not hear from JC -- other than two e-mails that she sent.. one was a poem that she wrote about me and the other was a request for me to call her..

I did not call her... or send a response to her e-mails..

NO CONTACT is in order!!!!

As far as PS, well, we are talking and we see each other once in a while.. So far I do see a lot of changes in how we communicate --- changes from him and me as well..
We are getting along much better as friends. I have my heart guarded dearly because I do not want to fall like I did last year when I first came to this site.

His sister gave me a whole bag of clothes and almost brand new jackets for me.. all of which I did appreciate..

I figured out today why I felt the way I did when I was not talking to him and it bothered me so much with having NO CONTACT.....

some of the reason, I think, that I had felt such a loss is because I have been attached to his family. They have embraced me again after not being in contact with them for three months and through Christmas, New Years and my birthday..

I am still working on myself and understanding my co-dependency. I am not seeking a relationship... I need a lot of time to heal... Sometimes I think that it is through these bad times that we can then appreciate those good times...

I am thinking about you

Feel better.... the boys can send you something from Sloppy Joe's.... REMEMBER FREE DELIVERY!!!

love,
NEED

April 13, 2007
5:46 pm
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Excuse me!! Where the snickerdoodle is Clownface and Need? Where have they gone? What have they been up to? Are they still breathing? I do hope you two are okay. Love you both!!!

April 13, 2007
10:38 pm
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Hi Cyndra and Clown--

I know that I have not posted that much.. been trying to straighten out my life and take care of ME..

Boys were both sick over Easter.. Had high fevers. Took them to the doctor who did a test for strep but turned out negative (thank goodness).. so it was a viral infection..

Mandy and Milo are enjoying themselves. They are good company for each other.

As far as the other creatures of the house, the bearded dragons are doing just well. The night before Easter, Sonic laid another clutch of 20 eggs. so now we are waiting the arrival of about 30 dragons. First clutch is due on the first week of May and the latest clutch should arrive around the first or second week of June.
She could still have two more consecutive clutches since females retain the sperm after one mating.!!
Now we know that my older son's male, Monster, is FERTILE for sure!

Hope all is well with you and Clown..

Missing you both lots

Love,
NEED

April 18, 2007
10:56 pm
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Hello Ladies!

Just got back today from Maui, Hawai'i. Had a wonderful time there. Cyn, I can understand why you would want to return!

I am teriibly destressed about the shootings @ VT. We have several friends who go to school there, or their kids do. I can only imagine how those parents/relatives are feeling....

Need, how are you? Hope the boys are feeling better now. Are you still talking to PS?

Cyn, how are you doing? Holding strong, I trust.

Klunkhead is moving in with me on Saturday. As I suspected, I am having difficutly with my decision. He is not as controling now simply b/c he is on my turf. I am hopeful it will work out for the positive. Time will tell....He has sold his house and all of his belongings so this is a 'go' for now. I am hopeful once he gets his bedroom/office furniture in the other room, he will spend more time in there and not always with me! I NEED some space.

Otherwise, all is going okay here. Hope all is well for you guys too.

Miss you both~
Clown

April 19, 2007
5:36 pm
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Hi Clown~

It was so nice to see your post. That brought a huge smile to my face!! I have missed you. I was wondering how your trip went in Hawaii.

I wish that I can get to go away soon. I need some time away!! I can only dream for now but hopefully this summer I can take at least a weekend off to go somewhere!...ANYWHERE other than NJ!

I have not been posting much lately. My life was chaotic for a while since JC could not accept the fact that I needed some space and needed to get back to taking care of ME!
and that I no longer wanted a relationship with her at all....

Even though I took a break from PS (not spending time together), I still continued to talk with him. Now that JC has moved out, I have spent time with him again.. Interestingly enough, HE did not even think that we were broken up -- even though we did not see each other for over 3 months!!!!

The boys recovered from their viral infection and are doing well.. thanks for asking..

All of the pets are doing fine. PS brought over 2 of his female bearded dragons in case they are going to lay eggs. I am the one with the incubator..

Mandy & Milo are doing fine.. They keep each other company! Mandy turns a year at the end of this month and Milo is 5 months old now. I cannot believe we've had him 3 months already!

Clown~ I do understand how you feel about needing some space from KH... I felt the same way when JC was here with me. Even though I wish that I could be with someone every night, I realize that I had gotten used to being a single parent. It has been 6 years since I separated from Slugshit.. that is already half of the time that we were together!!

I hope that you can continue to set boundaries with KH.. It is so important to have our own space!!

Cyndra-- Missing you....
Hope all is well with you.. How was the weather down in MD? Did you get hit with that nor'easter? I am so tired of rain.. It has been raining off and on since last Saturday night... UGH..

love to you both

NEED

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