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**clownface.... need your help!!****
January 29, 2007
5:27 pm
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cyndra820
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Hi Clown and Need!!!

How are you both? I've been thinking about you two and how nice it would be if we could meet, but, alas, that isn't an option for us. But we still have this place.

Clown~ Are you sure you want to take LM with you? I'd be happy to go in his place!! I really miss Hawaii. so many things have changed since I was there last.

I'm jealous that you've had snow!!! We got a dusting, but that's all. I want snow!!!

Need~ How are you and the boys? How is your best friedn's sister? How is she healing? Car accidents can be nasty things. How's that Mandy doing? My mother's dog ate a pair of my favortie stilletos!!! I could have killed her!!! They are four years old so I can't replace them. Anyone have arsenic about?

Clown, thank you for the beautiful wish for all of us. That was so sweet!!! Now, all I have to do is work on me so I can be what I want to get what I want.

Love,
Cyndra

January 30, 2007
10:15 pm
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clownface
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Hey Girls!

Brrrr~it is so cold here! Trying to stay warm, cuddled up with my kitties....

I would love to take you both to Maui with me. I will find out in eb at our Nat'l Sales Meeting where I placed in the national ranking for my company. If I am one of the TOP 10, then I will be going to "President's Club" and that will be held in April. Right now I'm in pretty good standing...we shall see.

I am so glad that you both are doing so well with your progression AWAY from PS and FIB. Need, you are making tremendous progress! I am so proud of you. Cyndra, how are you doing? Still getting emails from FIB? I sorta kinda think he is still remaining in touch with you as if it pertains to business, but he is not completely comfortable letting go yet. He knows he can contact you in regards to his book.....Maybe not, but just my thoughts. I think you are doing really well by not responding to his emails. Good for you!

I am missing KH terribly. He was here the other night and talked on his cell phone to his brother for 52 minutes. While he was on the phone, I gave him his keys and told him to go home. He was shocked that I would do this. He had asked me to clip his nails (toes as well) and I agreed to do this for him as he has one arm in a brace. Anyways, I basically amde him leave my home. I felt badly about it afterwards. I called today and left a voice message @ his work number and apologized. I did not expect a response, nor do I want one. It is just not my character to be unkind and I feel that I was. He tends to bring out the worst in me.

Anyways, I am going to NY with LM on Friday He has nice plans for us. This is a test, if we travel well, then I will consider taking him with me to Maui. If not, well pack your bags!

Love you both,

Clown~

January 31, 2007
10:43 pm
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clownface
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Anybody around? Had a MAJOR meltdown today~Not pretty, not pretty at all.

HELP

Clown ;(

February 1, 2007
9:06 am
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Clown--
How are you doing? Sorry about you having a melt down. I hope that you are okay..

I wish we could all meet.. but as Cyndra said, that is not an option for us.. but at least we can still meet here.. I miss you both very much..

I wish I could go to Maui! Never been to Hawaii..

The boys are doing great. My friend's sister went back to work and she made the boys their own business cards for Sloppy Joe's Restaurant.. They were so excited because they both had their names as the owners.. Even though Matt did explain that Jake is the head chef.. At least she did not put on the card that I am the head dishwasher!!!

I am still pondscum free!! He called the other night but we really do not have much to say to each other anymore.. He said that it is unbelieveable about how things have turned out between us.. I told him that I did not want to argue with him..

He says that he misses my beauty, my smile, my laugh.. To me he had his chance to appreciate all the things that he misses about me...

News: ** Got another puppy.. sounds crazy, I know... He is two months old.. apricot color and light brown eyes.. His name is MILO.. He is part shih tzu and poodle..
He gets along with Mandy well.. Mandy even lets him get her bones and eat from her dish..

So now I have 2 puppies, 4 bearded dragons, 6 fish, and a hamster named Vanilla.!!!!!

CLown..
Hope that you have a great time in NY. It only takes me about 25 minutes by train to get to the city. I guess I should take more advantage of that!!

Cyndra..
Keep having that love affair with yourself.. You are a great person and I love you very much..

Missing and Loving you both!!

***PONDSCUM FREE NEED***

February 1, 2007
8:04 pm
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needtoheal
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As soon as I finished with the previous post, I got a text message from Pondscum: He said good morning and hopes that we can talk soon....

**Of course I did not respond.**

Love ya both

NEED

February 1, 2007
9:04 pm
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Need:

Good for you about leaving PS in the dust.

That is GREAT about the new puppy! We had a Shih-tzu, named Muffin, and she lived until last yr when we had to put her down at age 19! My daughter couldn't remember life without her. Great dog though, very very loving.

Cyndra:
How are you? I hope this finds you doing well. I wish we could all meet some day....That would be neat, but for now, this is our little escape.

Right now I am getting ready to pack my bag for NY. I had the Meltdown last night and the better part of today b/c I am worried that KH may find out about LM. I know, I know, it shouldn't matter, but it does. If I could just understand myself, I would have this thing licked. It comes down to relationship addiction and the need for drama & someone to control me. I have my freedom now and I dont't know what to do with it. Sounds crazy doesn't it? I guess after almost 7 yrs in such drama and pain, that it's gonna take me a while to adjust. I feel like I am cheating on KH, but I am not. I do MISS him terribly though. We have not talked for a week.

Your thoughts and encouragement would be greatly appreciated. I know I probably sound like a broken record, but this is the toughest thing I have ever endured.

Also I am going to let LM go after the NY trip. I should have done it before now, but he is looking so forward to this trip that I felt I couldn't disappoint him. It is only fair that right now, while I am so confused in my head, that he not be involved with me. I am going to gently tell him that this has nothing to do with him, it is about where I am and the healing that I need to do. I KNOW he will understand. He is a kind and gentle soul.

Thanks,

Clown :O

February 4, 2007
7:44 pm
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Hi Clown and Need,

How is everyone?

Need~ Glad you are staying PS free and that things are so bright in your world.

Clown~ I think you are doing the right thing about LM. You are right, trying to sort out all that is going on with you and your healing is your number one priority. He will be hurt and I do hope he understands that it isn't him.

How are you doing with KH? Do you think that you need to not be in contact with him and LM so you can sort out all that's going on in your head and heart?

I finally got fed up with being angry at FIB. I've let it go. I've accepted that I was in love with an illusion I created and he was never any of the things I need in a partner. Now I am working on seeing the glass half full instead of half empty.

Enjoy your week ladies.

Love,
Cyndra

February 7, 2007
7:02 pm
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cyndra820
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Clown? Where are you? It's Wednesday and we've heard nothing from you. I hope all is well. I'm waiting to hear what you thought of Phantom of the Opera.

Love,
Cyndra

February 7, 2007
10:30 pm
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needtoheal
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Clownface---

I have been thinking of you as well.. We have not heard from you..

Hope all is well...

Love,
NEED

Hey Cyndra-- nice to see you post...

Having a blast here with these two puppies.. Mandy actually has calmed down a lot since we got Milo!!

I am going to get her spayed soon.. That will also calm her down a bit..

I think she went into her first heat a few weeks ago.. She wasn't spotting but licking a lot and when she got out of the house she went wandering for the boy dogs that live near us... I told her that she is too young to be interested in boys...

love,
NEED

February 8, 2007
11:54 am
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Need~ I am all for spaying and neutering animals that aren't going to be bred. I can't do it. It isn't the spotting but their behavior begins to drive me mad.

My Scottie went into three heat cycles and got crystals in her bladder every time. She also had two false pregnancies. UGH!!! So, when I got her fixed she had a false pregancy and was lactating everywhere!! UGH again.

I posted on the other thread for you.

Here's something for you. I am still struggling with the anger I have at FIB. I told my therapist about it and she said I would stop being angry when I accepted that I had been used and I was grateful that I had gone through the experience and learned the lesson. OH JOY!!!

So, I'm trying to figure out how to accept and be grateful. This could take some time. I guess I want it to be over NOW, but in truth it won't be. I knew that going in, but that didn't stop me from being impatient.

Other than that, I'm good. OH!! I had a mouse in the basement last night!! I made a friend's night when I told her about it. She couldn't stop laughing!! She couldn't believe I was afraid of a teeny baby mouse. I should have taken a picture of it but dammit I was scared!!!

Kiss the boys for me.

Love,
Cyndra

February 8, 2007
3:18 pm
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needtoheal
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I did not scroll up to see if I had told you this but I HAD A MOUSE IN MY BASEMENT TOO LAST NIGHT!! It is way to cold so they come inside..

No one wants to go down the basement anyway because I also have 1,000 crickets in a container. It is the food for the dragons. I order a lot and gut-load feed them before the dragons eat them..

The injured baby dragon is doing better. It looks as if his one foot will finally fall off!

I posted on the other thread that GG started about the nightmares that I have been having..

I understand how you feel about the anger that you feel inside for FIB. I am glad to hear that you were able to discuss this with your therapist. I also have anger from how things ended between me and pondscum.. and anger for how things ended between me and slugshit for that matter.

It is difficult to accept things like being used and be grateful for it that a person has learned the lesson.. I feel that way about finding those picutes on pondscum's cell phone. I would not have wanted to continue to give to him further. I am grateful that I did find those picutes because that allowed me to move forward in my life and to believe that I do deserve better than what he was giving me..

I know that it is not fair to compare people so instead I have compared experiences.. JC has given me so much more than pondscum.. It is so unbelievable.. She goes to a therapist and I have spent time with her and her therapist talking about things.. I think that is so positive because I was never able to even communicate about issues with pondscum and he was not willing to ever go see a therapist with me..

Thanks for the hugs to the boys..

They are both doing well... Matt and Jake had an indoor street hockey game yesterday and they both scored a goal.. They were on the same team and they won!!

love to you both
NEED

February 11, 2007
10:15 pm
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Hi Cyndra & Need:

Sorry, that I have been AWOL for a few weeks. Things have been pretty crazy for me.

First of all, I am glad to hear that you both are doing so well! Unfortunately the anger we feel towards former IBF and PS are part of the process of healing. I do hope it subsides in time, I believe it will........

Here's my update. I have been seeing both KH and LM for far too long. I went to NY with LM and had a complete meltdown while I was there. I was honest with LM and told him that I had been in a very controling relationship and I was having difficutly with my freedom. He couldn't have been nicer or more understanding.

Phantom of the Opera was wonderful! We had seats in the 3rd row, right in the middle. Went to wonderful restaurants--sat across from Robert Wagner and Jill St. John, one night! So now you're probably wondering what in the heck is the problem????

I feel NO attraction to LM. I STILL miss KH. Came back from NY, called him, he came running, and now we are 'planning our future' together.

NUTS, yes, I am. But let me tell give you a little more details. I got my retirement projection and girls, it is at poverty level. I will not be albe to make it based on what I will have and that is not even relialbe until 2022. KH has offered to move in with me, share half of all expenses and that will allow me to throw $$$ into a retirement fund quickly. Wrong reasons, yes, I know, but I am looking at practicality now.

Biggest downfall---LM is highly allergic to my cats and can't even come to my house.

I am so confused right now I can't see straight. I am going to dinner tomorrow night with LM to tell him that I am 'dazed and confused' and probably not good for anyone right now. I think deep down, I love KH and just have not admitted it to myself. He is not the kind of person that I wish he was, but then again, who is PERFECT? I know he will take care of me, if needed.

Okay, any thoughts you have would be appreicated. PLEASE read this again and see my desperation. LM is a wonderful person, but is not emotionally available for me. He had to go into the bathroom in NY to call his mother twice a day to 'check in' as she can't know about me, b/c I am too old!! It's all so confusing, I'd like to crawl in a hole and not come out for a long while!!!

Hugs to you both and thanks for listening.

Clown~

February 12, 2007
10:57 am
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cyndra820
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Hi Clown!!

I read your post with great interest and quite a bit of concern.

Let's go with the meltdown. What triggered it? I'm glad LM was understanding. I think that says a lot about his maturity.

Now, on to you and KH. I will tell you what my threapist told me. "You will not be ready for a healthy relationship until you are emotionally healthy." That's EXACTLY where you are.

You aren't ready for LM and a healthy relationship because that's not where you are. You aren't emotionally healthy. So, breaking up with him is the BEST thing to do.

HOWEVER, KH is not a healthy option in any way, shape, or form. I sympathize about your financial situation and the outlook for your retirement, but allowing him any access to your life is not healthy. How can you get healthy when the person who treated you so badly is living in the same house as you?

Have you spoken to a financial advisor about your current retitrement outlook? Can you scale down your monthly expenses and then make sacrifices in other areas? If you need a border or a roommate can you look to the university? Maybe be an option for visiting professors? How are your tax shelters? Do you have an IRA? I don't expect you to answer these questions, but I want you to seriously think about all your options. Not just a quick fix that may demoralize you down the road. That isn't a sacrifice you should make.

Clown, you have said maybe you are in love with KH and you just need to admit that. Nobody's perfect, is what you wrote. Perfection may not be attainable, but respect, kindness, being treated with value and being loved are all necessities. This man has shown you who he really is. Is that all you want for yourself?

If you are throwing in the towel, then say so. If you no longer have any interest in being healthy and happy with your life, okay. But be clear on what it is you are accepting. Don't dress it up in clothes it doesn't own.

I do wish you the best, Clown. I want you to be happy with your life. If this is what you want, then go for it.

February 13, 2007
12:11 am
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Cyn~

Thank you for the reality check. You gave me lots and lots to think about. My family echoes your very sentiments.......I don't want to settle, but I am discouraged right now.

I broke it off with LM tonight. Very tough situation, trying not to hurt him, but HAVE to let him go. I WANT to let him go. He was so very sad and I felt soooo bad. However, I could not let him buy me something for VD and then hurt him more.......

Rough day, but I'll survive. In working with my therapist, I have decided to NOT date anybody right now. Will I get healthy? Who knows, but I'm gonna try. Funny thing is, I look and act PERFECTLY FINE. No one would ever realize what I am going through. Things could be much worse, I try to keep it in perspective!!

I'll keep ya posted on my progress. I hope all is well with all my friends on this site.

I am grateful for each of you!

Hugs~

CLOWN

February 13, 2007
7:36 pm
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Clown~

Sorry it has taken me a while to respond. I am also wondering what triggered your meltdown when you were in New York with LM??

I am sympathetic to hear about your financial future.. I cannot even imagine what it will be like for me since I have not even established myself with a full-time job..(outside of the home)...

KH is NOT healthy for you.. However, I know and understand how you feel about him.. even though he has not, at times, respected and valued you..

Hope that you are doing much better and I have missed you here...

I have been busy as well..

The puppies are keeping me occupied for sure!! I really wish you both could see their pictures.. Milo is absolutely adorable.. He is an apricot/white colored PUFF BALL!! He is as soft as cotton.. and he loves to sleep in my arms upside down like a baby would..He will be three months old tomorrow.. He weighs 5 pounds.

Mandy, on the other hand, is getting so scruffy. That wired Cairn terrier fur is getting too long and she is going to get groomed for the first time soon.. I am proud of her because she has adjusted well to having a baby brother in HER domain!!
(Milo seems to rule the roost at times).. She weighs 17 pounds which she has exceeded her ideal weight limit for an adult and she is only 9 months old.. She is not chubby.. just tall and a larger girl...

I have to ask the vet on Friday when Milo goes for his shots, when does he reach sexual maturity?

Mandy is in heat and Milo now is rubbing up against her. (well, you both know what I mean.)

Jen had mentioned the other night that Mandy is definitely in her heat cycle because there was some spotting on the floor..

Well, Matt caught on and asked me about it.. He said that he is NOT dumb and it has something to do with her hormones for being an adult and that she could now have puppies..
Have to talk about the BIRDS & the BEES already..

I think that you are right Clown about anger being a stage in the road to recovery. I feel that I have to remind myself often as to how I felt when Pondscum mistreated me because that seems to keep me in reality about our past relationship and how it was all an ILLUSION!!

thinking of you both

** NEED **

By the way, in case I have not mentioned it, both owners of Sloppy Joe's Restaurant send their love to their cyber Aunties!!!

Remember--- delivery to Maryland and West Virginia is FREE for their Aunties!!!!!

February 14, 2007
3:00 pm
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needtoheal
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Happy Valentine's Day to you both..

Love,

Trish, Matt & Jake

Mandy & Milo

February 16, 2007
5:10 pm
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Hi Cyndra and Clownface---

Hope all is well with you both....

love,

NEED 🙂

February 18, 2007
8:02 pm
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Hi Girls:

Need: So good to hear from you! I love the puppie stories.....Sounds like Milo is precious and Mandy is a Sweetheart, too!

I am so glad that you are happy or at least on the road to happiness! How is life without PS? Do you still hear from him?

Haven't heard from Cyndra in a while. Hope all is well for her.

Things are okay here. I'm tired of dealing with all the snow! My house is located on a hugh hill and it makes for interesting travel to say the least.

I am not seeing anyone at moment. LM did call me on Valentine's Day, but for his sake, I did not return the call. I DO talk with HK from time to time and I DO enjoy going out occasionally with him and that seems to be enough for both of us right now.

I hope everyone is doing fine.

I WOULD LOVE to have a delivery from Sloppy Joe's! Right now I would gladly PAY for anything on the menu! Delivery might be a little tough though!

Take good care~
Clown

February 18, 2007
10:02 pm
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needtoheal
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Clown~

Nice to hear from you as well...

I still hear from PS... We really do not talk about much.. I did not tell him that I am with JC.. He sent a text message last night (well, early this morning technically at 1 am).. My cell phone was turned off and I would not have responded..

Things are going well with JC..
We do talk and she is so willing to work on things with me.. that is one of the things that I like the most about her..

She is great with the boys. I already knew that about her from my best friend (her twin sister) who has two children..

There have been some issues (which I posted on the sweet need thread)..

What I do not understand, Clown, is although I am on the road to further happiness, I do not know why PS still is in my head.. I guess we all cannot erase memories..

I know that it is unfair to compare people or relationships, however, I have noticed that things are much different with JC.... that is a positive...

SNOW? I think that the three of us here on the East Coast are tired of the cold and snow...

The wind is howling here...

Mandy & Milo are having fun. They are getting along better each day..
Cannot believe we've had Milo for three weeks now..

We took him with us to the bowling alley last night. He slept in Matt's backpack.. We did take him out to hold him and so many people commented on how adorable he is..
(JC's sister works at the bowling alley so no one said anything to us for having him there with us)

I also hope that things are well with Cyndra. I know that she fell and hurt herself the other day. I hope that she is taking it easy since she had a long weekend..
Love you Cyndra!!

Thanks Clown for being here with me and for all of the love, encouragement and support you have given me..

I am glad to hear that you were able to leave LM and parted respectfully..

I also understand still having a connection to KH.. I am having difficulty with leaving PS completely.. Maybe that time will come soon..
I am just not so sure how to do it..

Thinking of you.....

NEED

February 22, 2007
9:39 pm
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Just wanted you both to know that I am thinking of you both and hope all is well....

Cyndra -- how are you feeling?

Your oldest nephew was taken to the hospital on Tuesday after he fell when he was bowling. He is ok -- just got some x-rays taken. Just sprained his shoulder. He was with his father that day. SLUGSHIT did not even call and let me know that he was taking him to the ER... He told me when he pulled up the house and was parked across the street via his cell phone. He had your younger nephew carry the instructions and other paperwork and also the medication that was given. But then again, it does not surprise me at all... That is why he continues to be SLUGSHIT!!!

love,
NEED

February 25, 2007
9:53 am
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Hi Clown and Need!!

I missed the rest of the week at work. Monday was a holiday so I didn't get back to work until Tuesday. I had so much work to catch up on.

Then on Friday I worked half a day so I could help a friend finish packing up her house. She's moving next month and I promised to help her pack.

I'm doing well. My anger at FIB is pretty much gone. I even had a dream about him last night. It was really weird. I had no anger and was almost glad that I had gone through the experience.

My therapist gave me a project. I'm supposed to join one of the vounteer organizations at a theatre. Oh, what fun!!! I am not the most social person and she wants me to get out more. Meet people.

February 25, 2007
10:01 am
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Cyndra--

That sounds like a good recommendation... I am glad that I joined a bowling league in a different town than where I was bowling with PS in the past.

My anger towards PS is gone. I don't speak to him that much.. once in a while just to say hello...

I am glad that you are feeling better. Your older nephew is feeling better since he fell while bowling last Tuesday...

Glad to see your post...

love,
NEED

Clownface--

How are you??

Missing you both

Pondscum Free NEED

March 1, 2007
2:19 pm
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Hello Ladies,

It's been so quiet around here lately. I need an update from Clownface. I've caught up on Need's threads. So, Clown, where are you lady? What's going on with you?

As for me, I finished helping my friend pack and now she has decided she's not moving this weekend!!! UGH!! Okay, it's not as bad as that. We did get a LOT of her clutter cleared, but she is staying because of a project her church is doing that she's very interested in.

I recently bought a CD by an artist named Heather Headley. She was in Aida on Broadway. Wonderful voice. Anyway, she has a song on it called "Losing You". It's basically a woman thanking an ex for leavin her when he did. I know I'm getting there. I feel it. I feel I had to go through FIB so I could get to who I am supposed to be. I'm ALMOST there. I'm no longer mad, but I am not exactly HAPPY to have gone through it either.

I have not joined the volunteer organization. I had better look into it. I see her next week. She's going to ask me for a progress report! LOL

I have been offered a consulting opportunity in the IT field. I have to fill out a few mounds of paperwork to become a preferred contractor, but it will be worth it to do what I really like. I am so BORED as an administrative assistant. I need to work my mind. I keep thinking I'd be happier if I'd never done something I really, really liked.

I know that I've told the two of you that I cook. I hadn't been doing it as much in the last few months before FIB and I broke up nor afterwards. Lately, I've been planning menus and cooking. It's always been a stress reliever for me. I'm glad that the desire to cook is back.

How is everyone? Do tell!!!

March 1, 2007
6:57 pm
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needtoheal
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Hi Cyndra--

You brought a smile to my face when I saw your posts..:)

Thanks for following along with the other threads in regards to how things are going in my life...

Yes, I am proud of myself because I can now see the growth in myself.. I do recognize the co-dependent and unhealthy tendencies that JC has shown and trying the best that I can in addressing those issues...

As far as PS, well I have to admit that I am glad in some ways that we do get to talk occasionally.. Those rose tinted glasses have come off for sure and certainly did get broken. In many ways I am grateful that I had the experiences that I had with him because it has helped me to recognize the control and manipulation that JC displays once in a while..

She has backed off quite a bit but then again, that could just be another part of the cycle of bi-polar. I am not sure.
She promises to change and wants to get help but so far she has done nothing in getting the help that she needs.

The boys are doing well. They have added rootbeer floats to the menu so if you have the desire for a float, order up!! I am sure they would be happy to send some out for their aunties!!

The puppies---- they are also doing well although the now 3 month old MILO is starting to chew at the table and chairs. I had to put tabasco sauce on the corners and so far he has not touched it!!
I want to enter pictures of him in an animal photo contest. I have a picture of him sleeping upside down in my arms wearing his green sweater and he has a letter (M) charm attached to his collar. He is just too cute...
I enjoy walking them both. I have a coupler so I can attach them to one leash. Mandy gets a longer lead since she is bigger and stronger. This way she does not drag him around.!!

Cyndra-- I am glad that you are getting back to cooking again...
Wish that the boys could get some lessons..

I know that it is difficult sometimes to get out and join new things.. You will get there Cyndra. You are doing great and I am proud of you...

Hope all is well with you Clown...

thinking of you both

NEED

March 1, 2007
7:15 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyndra--

Not sure if you remember but it is a year ago today that I had that disagreement with my brother. Today is his birthday.. How time goes by so fast.. He is still living with my parents since things did not work out between him and his girlfriend. I have not talked to him nor have I seen him. Guess that is the way things are going to be between us for right now.. I don't understand how someone can hold such a grudge for such a long time. To me, time is precious...

NEED

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