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**clownface.... need your help!!****
January 4, 2007
8:52 am
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needtoheal
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Pondscum called this morning. I answered. I did not have much to say to him other than Jake is sick.. I cannot talk to him anymore girls. I just cannot talk to him because when I do talk to him it only bothers me that he chose to do what he did with texting other women and when he was here and had me he did not have a sex drive.. and yet the text messages and pictures from other women were fine to satisfy his sex drive.. Whatever..

Clown~ I am glad that you were able to talk to your therapist.. Crying does help relieve some of those often bottled up feelings that we have inside... I cannot seem to cry that much now that I am taking the Paxil..

I hope that you are feeling better today..

It is going to get better for all of us girls.. We have gone through so much and I am also so grateful to have you both in my life..

I know that I do deserve better..
even though Matt would complain that I often burn grilled cheese sandwhiches... Maybe that is why he does not want me to take over as the chef; they had expanded their menu to include grilled cheese!!
In fact, got a new menu in my mailbox from them.. Color-coded!!
They are enjoying having my friend here.. She draws cartoon characters and the boys are loving it..
Her sister came over yesterday and spent some time with all of us.. She is a great friend and I am glad that I can be there for her and her sister too.
I am glad that we are getting to know other people.. and not being STUCK with the cruddy people anymore.

Thanks for listening..

LOVE YOU BOTH

NEED

January 6, 2007
2:45 am
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needtoheal
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Just wanted to say hello to you both and I want you both to know that I love and care about you...

Here is an update on that BOY TOY that I had told you about..

A friend of mine found him on a website and sent him an e-mail that she knows someone that knows him and gave him only a hint: PARKING LOT..

Well he responded and said "Parking lot you say? Sounds like Trish otherwise I have no clue.."

GIRLS--

HE even remembered my name.. THat 4 hour marathon was over two and a half years ago...

It definitely put a smile on my face..
I had a lot of fun with him at the time and I knew what it was and exactly what it was not; so when it was over I did not have to mourn..

I hope all is well with you both..

Jake is finally feeling better. I did not send him to school today even though his fever broke and he got to eat some solid food today. He was so exhausted so I let him stay home with my friends while I went to work for a few hours.
His father never called me and when he came to pick them up for the weekend he did not even ask me how he was feeling or if he even went to school.... What a SLUGSHIT indeed!!

Love to you both

PONDSCUM FREE NEED

January 6, 2007
9:22 am
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clownface
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This is for Need~

~*~*~* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
~*~*~* HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
~*~*~* YOU'VE LIVED THROUGH SOME HEARTACHE
~*~*~* NOW IT'S GONNA GET ALL BETTER FOR YOU!!

So what are you doing special for your birthday on Sunday? If you girls were around, I'd pick up you and Cyndra up and we'd go get a big ice-cream sundae at Clod Stone Creamery. (Jake and Matt included too, of course)

Hope all is well for everyone. I'll be back later tonight. Gotta hop on my broom and fly outta here to work.

Love ya,
Clown~

January 6, 2007
9:39 am
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clownface
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Opps! That Cold Stone Creamery! But I have NO doubts, there would be some CLODS around! LOL

January 6, 2007
4:31 pm
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Hi Need and Clown!!

I am sorry I haven't commented much.

Need~ I'm sorry Jake the Man has been sick. I hope he's feeling better now. I read that he's with his father. Slugshit is a major SHIT!

I'm glad you are having fun with your best friend and her sister. You are a good friend to help her.

Keep staying PS Free!!

Clown~ How are you? I'm sorry you are so stressed!! Take care of you. Don't let anything stress you taht isn't your responsibility. That's the only advice I have.

Just know that I love and care about you.

As for the love affair with myself, it's still happening. I'm still taking care of me and the things I'm responsible for.

I have had no contact with FIB. I was annoyed because he sent me the same New Year's card this year that he sent last. Can we say indifferent? Clueless? Yeah, that's him.

Okay, I'm off. Hope you all have a good week and I'll try to be around more.

Love you both!!

January 7, 2007
12:39 pm
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Hi Ladies:

Sorry that I have been AWOL! Unfortnately, I have been sick, yet again. I think where I go into doctors' offices all day, that I get exposed to lots of junk. Since my immune system is somewhat compromised, I get everything coming and going. Keeping my hands washed is foremost, but still there are times that airborne germs are gonna nab me!

Need~ I hope you have a very nice day with your friends. Are you going to do something with the boys later this evening? Still PS free? I'll bet he calls today for your BD.

Cyn: How are you doing? I'm glad to hear that your love affair with you, is still in progress! How are you feeling now towards FIB? Is he still texting or contacting you as before? If so, I wish you well in the path you choose to deal with him. Whatever works for you is all that matters. You are such a bright person! I always enjoy reading your posts b/c they really peel back the layers and make me think! Often I try to avoid the truth.......

I have finally shaken loose of KH. Going no contact and continuing to develop my relationship with LM. I thought or suspected that he had lost interest, but I was wrong. He is still just as lovely/loving as always. I have begun to appreciate what being in a "normal" relationship is like~with a healthy person to boot! Baby steps, that's what I'm taking, Baby steps!

Love and hugs to all~
Clown

January 7, 2007
10:47 pm
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needtoheal
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I posted on the other thread about my birthday..

I did celebrate with the boys tonight with also my friends.. My friend had taken them to the store earlier this week and had them pick out a present for me.. I thought that this was so thoughtful and so kind of her to do this for me and the boys...

We had some carvel ice cream cake.. my favorite... the crunchies in the middle are the best...

I love you both

January 10, 2007
11:01 am
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cyndra820
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Hello Ladies,

Sorry I haven't been around. I've been in and out of a funk because I can't stand my job, my boss is an idiot and the three women I work with are clueless. So, I've not been a happy camper at work.

Going NC with FIB was the BEST thing for me to do. He sent an e-mail and a text message on Monday but I didn't respond to either of them. I didn't realize that declaring 2007 FIB-free would be so liberating.

Don't get me wrong I still have moments when I would like to call him, but that was always me trying to seek validation from him, or trying to get him to understand how much he hurt me. Once I accepted that he NEVER would I was able to really start going THROUGH the grieving process, not just around it. Let me tell you, I had never stayed so angry for so bloody long!!

My health is improving because of the weight loss!! YEA!! No more high blood pressure!!! Whowhee!! No more pills!!! Okay, can we say I am overjoyed about that? That was the one thing that got me VERY motivated to get serious about weight loss and taking care of myself.

Other than that, not much is going on in my life.

January 10, 2007
1:34 pm
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Friendma
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Hey, Need. Sorry just to pop in on your thread, but I just wanted to touch base with ya and let ya know that I'm thinkin of ya and hope that you are doin well. I'm sendin ya lots of love and hugs!! Take care and if ya get a chance pop in on the Friendma w/love thread, it would be great to hear from ya! (((Need)))

January 10, 2007
9:54 pm
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Hi Girls!

Cyn, sorry your job is so suckie right now. I hope it gets better for you. Is there any possibilities of you looking for something else, or is this it? I completely understand what you are going through.

How happy you must be to experience the weight loss! How did you do it?

I'm glad for you that you are able to maintain NC with FIB. I'm sure there are moments of weakness & when that happens just think of the worst thing that FIB did/does & that'll cure the 'weak of heart.'

I guess Need is hanging out with her friends! Sounds like she had a good BD.

Cyndra, it's always good to hear from you. I'm sending good 'karma' your way so tomorrow's work day will be a better one for you.

Hugs,

Clown~

January 10, 2007
11:35 pm
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needtoheal
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Hey girls...

I just want to say hello to you all.. Friendma, thanks for popping in to say hello and for the hugs.. been missing you too 🙂

Cyndra-- I am sorry to hear that your job has been suckie for you..

I am so proud of you for being FIB Free...

Clown-- oh, I mean HOT LIPS 🙂

How are you?? How is everything going in your life?? Spill...

I am still hanging out with my friends. We have all been helping each other..

Just want you to know that I love you

love
NEED

January 11, 2007
7:16 pm
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Hey Need:

Good to hear from you. Friends are a good thing. I'm happy for you that they are there to help out. Are you still PS free????

Okay, YOU asked for this, so I'm gonna hurl my guts!

I am going through Management Development Training (there are 7 of us) with my company and I have this gi-mon-gous project that is due on Tues and I fly to CA on Thurs to present it to the upper admin. We've had the info for 10 days and I'm trying to make heads or tails of it. It's slowly coming to me but I still have tons of work to do. Lots of Excel and PP's.

Now on to the personal stuff. I am still talking to KH b/c I have yet to figure out how to let go of him. I am finding that I am so angry with him for all the past wrongs that I have suffered at his hand, that everytime I am around him, I klunk on him. I am so surprised that I am bringing things up to him that happened 3 or more yrs ago. I'm not quite sure what this is all about. I miss him but when I am around him, I wonder what the heck am I doing.

LM is very attentive. We are going out Friday nite to dinner and the movies. He asked me to go to VA with him on Sat to watch a BB game, but I have far too much work to do to go this time. We are going to NY in a few weeks. I find my interest in him waning, but I am going to hang in there and hope it gets better. He is allergic to my cats......NOT good.

I have a trip coming up to Maui in April and I'm not sure who I'm gonna take with me. Last yr I took KH to the Caymans and he was really good. He really wants to go with me this time but I have not made any commitments. I would like to take one of my daughters but it is not going to work out.

Please remember me in your prayers that I will make sense and have clarity of mind when I do my presentation next week. They take this very seriously so I want to do a good job and not embarrass my manager.

Hope you all are having a GREAT day and an even GREATER weekend!

Love,

Clown~

January 11, 2007
7:42 pm
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needtoheal
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Good to hear from you Clown... If you do not have anyone to go with you to Maui I would like to go... or Cyndra....

I am still pondscum free... I have not seen him for over three and a half weeks now...

He is starting to crumble... BIG TIME... especially the day of my birthday..

He is upset about me not returning his calls.. THen he mentioned that he has NOT been with anyone PHYSICALLY while we were together... although two and a half years ago he mentioned the STUDMAN--- REMEMBER MY "BOY TOY".....

But I made him really upset because when he said "studman" to me, I said "speaking of the studman, he got in touch with me the other day"...

He also said that my friends are telling me not to talk to him... I told him that I do not listen to what my friends tell me,----- but I listen to my mind and what is in my heart!!!!

He was silent...

It does not matter to me... He said that it does not bother him about us.. I told him that first of all, there is no US>...

He said that what happened is done and he will have to deal with the consequences..

If that is the case then he should not have complained about not hearing from me for a day or two days or on my birthday..

I will post more later.

LOVE,
NEED

January 14, 2007
8:01 pm
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Hi Clown and Need~ How are you both? Boy, do I have some catching up to do!!!

Okay, here goes:

I have declared 2007 FIB-free. I am no longer dealing with him in anyway. On Monday I had received an e-mail and a text message from him. I didn’t respond to either. On Thursday I received an e-mail asking me for information on one of his accounts. I e-mailed the response to him.

Later that evening I called him and asked him if there was any additional information he thought he would want. I told him that I didn’t want to talk to him or hear from him again. I told him that my attempts to remain friends with him were impeding my recovery. I also told him that at times I hated him.

He said he understood and if he had any additional questions he would e-mail them to me. I didn’t tell him that all his e-mails will now be going straight into the junk e-mail folder. He’ll know soon enough.

I realized that I have not moved past the anger stage. I am still very angry with him. I need to move on from there to heal. I need to get through the grief in order to heal. I’m tired of being angry. So, I said sayonara and that’s the end of that.

So, even though I am still having the love affair with myself, I wasn’t being good to myself. I have to do that from now on. I have to put me first and take care of me. No one else is going to put me first, right?

I have purchased tickets to see a play, and to performances at the Warner Theater over the next two months. I am very excited about going. I am going to two of these events alone. I haven’t done that in a very long time. So, I’m spoiling myself a bit. I even joined the Performing Arts Society.

My therapist told me that I needed to go back to school and finish getting my degree. How did she put it? “When are you going to stop letting people take advantage of you? That piece of paper means a lot to so many people. No, it doesn’t mean that you are smarter but it does command a certain level of respect.” That was interesting. I had thought I was too old to do it since I want to start a family. She told me that I should go to school and if the family happened I could continue but at a slower pace. I think she really wants me to get a degree, ya know? LOL

Clown~ I would love to go to Maui with you. I love Hawaii and miss it so much!! Even though I was born in New Jersey I consider Hawaii my home because I loved living there more than just about any other place on the planet.

As for LM, do what feels good to you and what’s right for you. His happiness is NOT your responsibility. You can only control your happiness. Stop trying to out give God.

Oh, if he’s allergic to the cats, automatic deal breaker. My cats are family. I don’t think anyone should be physically uncomfortable (or emotionally) to be in a relationship.

Good luck on the presentation. I’m sure you will knock their socks off.

As for KH, ask yourself how is the contact benefiting you? Are you still sending mixed signals? Is it fair to treat him like this? Will he ever understand, and validate you? If there is nothing positive why are you still there? I know, I’m always asking the hard questions!!! LOL

Need~ PS may have been upset because he is no longer in control? He knows that you are having a fun time without him and he’s annoyed? If you aren’t waiting for his calls with baited breath, you are always available then he’s losing you. That’s probably what his issue is. He knows he’s losing you and he doesn’t know how to react.

As for Studman remembering your name, uh…most people don’t forget four hours. Wherever it took place!! If you had Studman when you weren’t in a committed relationship with PS then he can’t bitch now. Tell him so. You can’t have your cake and eat it too. You had no reason to sit on the sidelines waiting and hoping he’d come back and pick you up off the shelf. So, there!

Okay, I think I’ve updated you on everything. Well, everything that matters to me. I hope you ladies are doing well and have a great week. I’ll chat with you again later.

Love,
Cyndra

January 15, 2007
7:13 pm
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clownface
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Hi Cyndra! Need too!

It was so good to read your post. WOW! What a positive position to take with FIB. How did it feel to cal lhim one last time? Do you think you are really ready to stick to this? Will you be tempted to read the junk mail? Oh, Lord, KH is at my door! I'll be back :O

January 15, 2007
10:51 pm
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needtoheal
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Hi girls...

Cyndra--
I was also so glad to read your post. I also think that you have taken such a postive step in dealing with FIB..
I have also cut off communication with Pondscum as well... I did talk to him briefly last Friday but I did not hear from him until early this morning when he left a voice message on my cell phone. He said that he had a BUSY weekend and wanted to "touch base" with me.. and wondering how I made out at bowling on Saturday night. My friend was here and I had her listen to his message. We both agreed that it was manipulation because he wanted to either want me to feel guilty, jealous (that he was busy without me) or wanted me to respond.. So I did just to see what exactly what did he want.. and it turns out that he asked me how was my weekend and I replied that it was good.. I asked him about his weekend and he said "nothing spectacular.." that he went out with his bowling partner and the 2 friends that do the karoke at the bar.. He said that he would call me back later and I just said goodbye..

He called my cell phone as soon as e got out of work and left another voice message that he if I wanted to talk I could call back before he started bowling...

I did not respond..

I am so DONE with him and so ready to move on with my life.. I have never been so happy for such a long time.

Clown~~ How are you doing? How is everything with you, KH and LM?? I hope that your presentation went well..

Cyndra-- that was a good point about studman remembering my name.. I did e-mail him back and I did mention that I guess 4 hours parked in the bowling alley parking lot is something that will be hard for us both to forget!!

I love you both.. I often think about you both..

love,

PONDSCUM FREE NEED !!!!!!!!!

January 16, 2007
11:04 pm
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Hi Ladies:

I'm heading out to CA early in the morning-presentation is on Thur AM. Say a little prayer for me @ 11:00 ET on Thursday--tomorrow wouldn't be a bad idea for prayer as well! Will keep you posted.

All is quiet on the KH~LM front.

Gotta go pack as it is 11PM --plane leaves @ 6:30 AM!

Love to you both~

Clown

January 23, 2007
9:12 pm
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Well, this thread's gotten mighty quiet. No updates in how many days? I guess I'll have to start the ball rolling.

Okay!

I have cut all ties with FIB as you know. I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY ABOUT THAT!!! Ah, to be able to hear myself think. To FINALLY let go of all that damn anger!!! Yahoo!!! Yippee kiyay!!!

Work is still awful. I am definitely going to go back to school and get my degree. Another IT professional on the way. I know that the degree doesn't mean THAT much in IT, but it will mean more money. I like that part of it.

I am still having that love affair with myself. I am not exactly over the moon happy, but I love the peace and contentment I have found again. Life is good.

So, ladies, UPDATES please!!!

Need~ How's the PS free coming along? How's your friend's sister? How are my nephews? How's work? How's bowling? How is the weather in NJ?

Clownface~ How was your presentation? How are things with LM and KH? How is your daughter who is newly pregnant? How is your daughter who is newly married? How is the weather in WV?

I have a trip to Houston planned next month. I am getting together with two of my dearest friends. We are planning a girls weekend with nothing but shopping and bonding. Okay, we will remember to eat.

I love and miss you both.

Love,
Cyndra

January 24, 2007
12:38 am
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Hi Cyndra and Need too!

So good to hear from you! It sounds like you are doing great! Glad to hear of the liberation you are experiencing from the kaput with FIB. It sounds like kaput is the REAL K-A-P-U-T!! GOOD-NO, GREAT FOR YOU. I know that final cut is tough but when you've had enough, you're ready to do it. You are there, My Friend. When are you going to Houston? I am flying through there on the 25 of Feb as I wing my way to Tucson.

Here's my update and thanks for asking. Daughter (preggers) is doing fine so far. We are cautiously optimistic as she had a stroke about 5 months ago. She is under excellent care with a neo-natal specialist. Newly married daughter is adjusting to having a man around MOST of the time! They are happy but she is finding that "space" is a good thing!

My presentation in CA was okay, not the best, but not the worst. I'm just glad that it is over and I'm back in WV! I was asked to consider a managerial position in Scottsdale, AZ, but the timing is just not good right now.

The situation with KH got a bit convoluded while I was gone to CA. I really needed him for support during the stressful experience of what I was going through. He understands how dificult it is for me to handle high pressure situations. And, I must say, he was there for me. Took me to the airport, talked to me, encouraged me every day while I was gone. Picked me up from the airport on Sat and fixed dinner for me Sat night.

I knew this was too much involvement so I began to pull back. He got distraught with me and I have spoken with him sporadically since Sunday.

I knew if I kept up this level of engagement that I would loose LM and once again, I would be stuck with the loser.

LM is such a sweet guy. I am really beginning to like him more. We are going out probably about 3 to 4 nights per week. We are going to NY next week and he has planned the whole thing. Phantom of the Opera tickets, Waldorf, Rainbow Room, etc. I am very much enthralled by his iniative. If all goes well on this trip, I will take him as my guest to Maui in April. We'll see.

I am feeling much better about the end of my relationship with KH. My friends and family are so pleased to see me healing and moving away from this evil man. I think I am going to be okay. Boy, has it been a process though!

Okay, enough about me. I wonder what PS free Need is up to?

Let's keep in touch.

Peace, Love and Sunny days to you both~

Clown

January 24, 2007
12:40 am
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needtoheal
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Cyndra--

I am so glad to hear from you... I am so glad that you are still FIB Free... Yeah!!!!

I am also glad to hear that you want to return to get your degree.. Remember... it is something that NO ONE can ever take away from you..

I am glad to hear about your trip to Houston with your friends. I think that it is great to surround yourself with people who you can trust and bond with... and can do things with --- such as shopping!!

Here goes with my update:

I am doing well--- surrounding myself with friends and keeping busy with work and of course, being busy with your nephews who are doing great.. thanks for asking.. They have created a tent for their bunk beds made from cloth that has wolves.. wolves represent protection.. They love it... It is also a hideout for them for when they want to retreat to make their favorite secret recipes..!! Yes, Sloppy Joe's is back in business..

Bowling is going ok,. I am improving somewhat but the most important thing is that I am enjoying myself tremendously..

As far as Pondscum, well, I have let him go.. I have been having some strange dreams about him.. I had this dream that he was driving in a car with me on top of water and we went to his house. His mother was there and she told me all about a dating service and that PS went out on a date. He told me that she was not anything like me in all aspects. I picked up my bearded dragons and left with them in a container on my bicycle.. Just before getting on the bike, however, I looked back at his house and the girl that he went on a date with was with him outside with his mother.. I looked for an interpretation of this dream on-line and it was very interesting.. I think Cyndra that I have let go completely and I finally feel free... Pondscum Free that is...
I no longer feel controlled or manipulated by him... YIPEE!!!!

My best friend's sister is doing better. Thanks for asking. She has been staying with us for a while and we have all enjoyed her company.

As far as Slugshit goes, well, he is for the most part still the same.. Nothing new.. He told the boys a few weeks ago that his mother has lung cancer. This past weekend, when they returned from being with him, Matt asked me if I remember him telling me that his granny has cancer. I said yes. He then told me that his father said that when she dies he is going to be moving into her house.. (how morbid. I cannot say that his mother is in great condition but I think that this man just does not get it sometimes..?)
The other night after Matt spoke to his father, he ended his conversation by saying "Ok, here's Jake".. I picked up the phone before Jake and I overheard his father commenting to his girlfriend "He did not say I love you or goodbye to Me!!" This man just repels me.. Everything has to be about him. God forbid the child is content and just responds by saying here's Jake..
Whatever!! sorry, just venting..

Mandy is a BiG girl now.. She is going to be 9 months old and she just started her first HEat cycle.. She is still very active and will probably be for the rest of her life. I love her.. She is great company. We are enjoying taking walks after walking the boys to school and before I have to go to work.

The bearded dragons are doing well.. However, the gym teacher took two of the babies that I had this summer. Well, things did not work out for them with him and his family so he gave them back to me on my birthday. The boys named them Sonic and the other is named Gimpy since she has an injured leg..

I have been missing you Cyndra.. I think of you often and I am so glad that we are on our way to healing...

Clown-- Also Known AS Hot Lips... I am thinking about you and missing you.. I hope that all is well with you and your family.. How is your daughter feeling? I can remember those early pregnancy weeks when I felt so run-down and sick all the time.. Thank God that it passes..

How's everything with KH? Are you Klunkhead Free? How about LM?

I love you both...

****PONDSCUM FREE NEED*********

January 24, 2007
12:50 am
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needtoheal
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I know that we are all busy but I think that Clown was right.. Let's try to keep in touch...

I love you both and I want you both to know that I will always appreciate having you both in my life.

love,

----------pondscum free NEED---------

January 26, 2007
8:54 am
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needtoheal
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Hi girls...
Hope all is well.. I got a text from Pondscum yesterday that I found to be funny.... He wrote goodmorning and then said that it was going to be very cold tomorrow....

I guess he is still reaching to keep in touch with me but I am not at all interested..

Staying strong...

Love to you both

**NEED**

January 28, 2007
1:44 am
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clownface
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Hi Need & Cyndra!

I am so happy to hear that you both are PondScum Free and FIB free! I am happy to report that I have joined this exclusive club as I am Klunkhead free too!!! It is very liberating~I feel so good.

Updates:

Pregnant daughter is doing great, feeling better and baby is growing fine.

Married daughter is happy and studying to take PCAT in April. She graduates in May (Biology/Chemistry)

Son is doing well~finished last semester with a 3.73, carrrying 18 hrs. I am very proud of him.

This time next week I will be in NY. We have tickets to see Phantom of the Opera. I hope I'll understand it! Keep me in mind b/c I am a little concerned about this trip...I hope we know each other well enough to travel together! We'll soon find out. If this trip goes well, then I'll take him to Maui with me.

I am always so glad to hear from both of you. Don't you wish we could all get together and just hang out for an evening.

Cyndra and Need, I wish you peace and good fortune for 2007. I hope your true love finds you this year. I mean it. I want us to be deliriously happpy with a wonderful partner by Christmas. It may sound ridiculous,but it is my heart's desire. You just never know whaat or who is right around the corner!!!

Love and Hugs to you both,

Clown 🙂

January 28, 2007
7:09 pm
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clownface
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Anybody around? It's 7pm ET and snowing like crazy here!

Clown :o)

January 28, 2007
11:05 pm
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clownface
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Okay~come out, come out where ever you are!

Stay warm! It's really, really cold here. Does Mandy have a little coat she wears on her walks?

Love and Hugs to both of my favorite girls. I miss you all 🙁

~Clown

Cyndra: Go for your degree. I went back to school @42 yrs of age; best move I ever made. Need is right: No one can ever take that away from you.

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