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**clownface.... need your help!!****
December 30, 2006
6:36 pm
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needtoheal
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I have to go bowling right now but I want you to know that I am doing well.. My friend, on the other hand, is still in a LOT of pain...

I will post more later...

PONDSCUM FREE NEED

December 30, 2006
6:48 pm
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The face of a clown is a clever disguise...to hide the truth from every mans eyes.... you beat it you smash it you can't break it down. What lies beneath the face of a clown. He's witty he's clever he's jolly indeed. what lies beneath....beneath the face of a clown.

to be continued....

December 30, 2006
7:21 pm
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Excuse me, Arlea? What are you saying?

December 31, 2006
2:21 am
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clownface
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Gosh, what's that all about?

Hi Need, how are you? Sorry to hear about your friend.

Cyn, Whaddya think Arlea is saying? I'm not sure about that posting!

Love ya,
Clown 🙂

December 31, 2006
7:37 am
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Clown~ I have no clue. Maybe we'll find out. Maybe we won't.

Hi Need~ How did you bowl last night? I'm glad the boys were good and followed instructions. I'd expect no less from them.

December 31, 2006
11:46 am
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needtoheal
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Hi girls..

Wonder what that post meant!!?

I bowled alright-- made at least my average every game.. No drinking for me there anymore. I cannot drink while taking the Paxil so it will be alcohol free for me tonight...
thanks for asking Cyndra.

Tonight I am going to have some friends over. Well the injured friend is still here but her twin sister (and one of my best friends) and her husband and two kids are coming over. Their daughter is in Matt's class and has been infatuated with him since pre-K. Their son gets along with Jake.

I hope that you both have a wonderful New Year..

love,
NEED

December 31, 2006
4:05 pm
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Hi Need and Cyndra:

Sounds like you both have exciting plans for New Year's Eve. I wish our church was having a service, but this yr they have elected not to do so. I enjoy starting my new year in church.

LM is picking me up at 7:00 tonight to go to dinner. Then we are coming back here to watch the ball drop.

I called KH yesterday to check on him. He was @ Cracker Barrell and invited me to join him for breakfast. Not ONE to use the good sense God gave me, I joined him. Next thing I knew, he wanted me to spend the day with him. Unfortunately, I had to tell him that I had plans for the evening. He got mad and drove off. Re-affirmation that I am doing the right thing.

So are you all back to work on Tues? The weather is so nice here today! How about where you are?

Good luck, Need at bowling(no drinky poo for you tonight) LOL and Cyn, enjoy your evening with your Mom watching the ball drop. I'll be thinking of you both, when 2007 begins!!

You are my sunshine!

Clown~ and I'm not some 'whatever' that previous post was referring too!

December 31, 2006
6:19 pm
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Well Clown, the coming year is No Contact with FIB. I've forwarded him all the stuff related to the book with a note telling him he needed to write it himself or find someone else to do it for him. No more FIB.

About this God given sense...do we ever use it when we hear that warning bell? Ding-ding-ding-ding... I so rarely do. But I will pay more attention to it in 2007.

Need, enjoy your evening with friends. I'm sure the boys will love their "champagne". Was it ginger ale or sprkling cider?

Have a happy and safe New Year and I'll talk to y'all next year!!

Love you both and am so thankful for your friendship.

Cyndra

December 31, 2006
7:19 pm
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needtoheal
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Happy New Year to you both!!

Cyndra-- You are truly an inspiration with cutting your ties with FIB...

Clown-- You are also an inspiration in cuting our ties to KH..

and I am starting 2007 in cutting my ties with Pondscum...

Pondscum Free 2007!!!!!!!!!

I will be thinking of you both at midnight..

love
NEED

January 1, 2007
7:18 pm
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Happy 2007 to you both!

How was your New's Year's Eve celebration? I hope you both had a good, safe evening and are ready to get on with the New Year!

Cyn: I am really pleased for you that you sent FIB all his 'stuff' accompanied with the message of "Do it yourself!" Good, good, good for you. FIB FREE in 2007. I hope this brings you peace and a sense of closure.

Need: Thanks for the kind words about KH. I'm not so sure that I am deserving of them. If you want to be PS Free, then you will be. YOU decide what you're gonna do. We are in control of our own destiny and that my friend, includes those we choose to let into our lives. If you've 'had enough' of PS, you will move on.

It's a tough one, I know! I spent the evening with LM and now I miss KH! Oh well, that's a story for another day!

Take good care,
Clown~

January 1, 2007
7:49 pm
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clownface
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H-E-L-P!

Okay, here's the situation.

Last night I spent the night with LM. Had an okay good time. Did not miss usual activities of past NYrs. celebrations with KH. LM made our trip reservations for NY in Feb. while he was here at my home. We had breakfast this AM and then he went to watch football wit his friends.

I went to Border's to look around. As I was standing looking at books, KH walks in, sees me, plants a big kiss on me and begins to cry. He says that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I made no committments at all to him and told him that I was going to go to Sam's Club. He asked if he could go with me and I said, Yes.

To make a very long story short, I went to his house to pick him up and at that point I told him that I needed time and space. He said that he suspected that I had met someone else and was exploring them. I made no comment. I went on to tell him that I was not going to recant all the wrongs that I had experienced with him, nor did I care to hear his with me. I simply said that I needed some time alone. He said that he would respect that. He also asked me if I wanted him to 'woo' me back. I guess at some level that is true, but I said, NO.

Then he shows me a list of his 'desirable characteristics' of his new mate! Of course, he tells me that they are all of me--Yeah right! He had "enjoys exotic sex" down as one of his traits.

So after telling him that I needed time and space, I left. I guess my co-dependency is kicking in, b/c now I am missing him. I have not heard from LM and after last night, I question if I can ever be happy with him. I know I should not judge him by one night, but I am missing KH right now.

I even called my counselor and she said that I was sending KH mixed messages and I needed to be honsest with him by letting him know that there is no future for us. Now I am questioning this. What is wrong with me? I really don't like KH, nor does my family and he is a true mess.

I have not heard from LM and am wondering how he really feels about me now too. WE do have plans to go to NY together, but right now, I am not looking forward to this. He snores worse than KH.

ANY words of wisedom would be appreciated here.

Dazed and Confused~
Clown

January 1, 2007
9:04 pm
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cyndra820
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Hello Dazed and Confused,

You are right, you should not judge LM by one night. It could be first time nervousness. Maybe it was a bit too early to beomce intimate with him.

As for KH, you are sending him mixed messages. Either you want to be through with him or you don't. Have you really, fully accepted that there is no future with him? If you haven't you shouldn't persue a relationship with LM. It isn't fair.

As for LM's snoring, if you can't deal with it then send him home before he falls asleep. Did he snoring drive you that crazy or were you just uncomfortable with his being there period?

I know I'm not ready for a relationship. I'm still grieving for FIB, and I feel like an idiot for having ever loved him. So I am definitely not in the mental space for a relationship.

Okay, I think I've written enough.

Love,
Cyndra

January 1, 2007
10:23 pm
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clownface
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Oh, Cyndra!

You make FAR too much sense for my own good! You are so right in everything you wrote.

NO, I am not sure that I am finished with KH. I do love him but I have been so disrespected by him and not appreciated by him, that I don't know what I am thinking.........

LM is true blue. He has no clue about my feelings for KH or what I am dealing with internally. LM is a good man, a healthy man and would be totally committed to me. He already is there.

I have been seeing him for almost three months and no doubt, it probably was too early for the intimacy thing. But I can't unring the bell!

Right now I think I am going to step back from it all, concentrate on my job and look forward to being a grandmother. That's a full platter for sure!

I am sorry you are still grieving for FIB. That was quite a couragous act on your part to send all his material back to him. I think your mind is in the right place and your heart will follow eventually. At least you have the wisdom to KNOW not to get involved with anyone right now. I admire that quality in you. When the right 'one' does comes along, there will be little, if any, baggage for you to carry into that relationship.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Love,

Clown~aka: HOT LIPS~DAZED & CONFUSED!!!

January 1, 2007
10:41 pm
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clownface
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PONDSCUM FREE, NEED, WHERE ARE YOU?

January 1, 2007
10:51 pm
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Hey Clown~ I have always said I was good at dishing out advice but that following it thing is just so danged hard!! LOL

It is true, you can't unring the bell but you can be honest with him and tell him that you thought you were ready to move on to a more serious relationship, but you aren't sure. That may mean letting him go, but it is the fair thing to do for him AND you! I can't stress the YOU hard enough.

I know you still love KH, but I think letting go of the illusion is still hard for you. I know it was for me. But to let go of the illusion I had to stop having any contact with him. I wasn't healing and that was bothering me. You may be in a totally different place. Only you know what it is you want and where you are on this journey.

I'm in the same boat you are, except there are no grandchildren for me! I am concentrating on work and recovery.

Take care.

January 1, 2007
11:09 pm
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clownface
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Cyn & Need:

Right now LM couldn't take the rejection. He is so thrilled to be in a relationship that it would crush him for me to do anything other than continuing it. This would be ther case if it were me or anyone.

Luckily he has very little experience with relationships so he can't see the anguish I am in right now. What I do plan on doing is NOT hurting him. I will be available for him and will go to NY in Feb.

Even if things don't work out with LM, I MUST move on from KH. I am so addicted to him. I can't seem to get a handle on this. I am sooooo surprised at me. If you knew me---I am a very strong, independent woman, both in my job and in my family. But fail miserably when it comes to KH. I was reading on another thread about how folks in Mental Health (KH is a counselor) tend to KNOW how to prey on folks like me. Interesting thought......

Have a good day tomorrow!

Thanks for listening to my MELTDOWN.

Love ya,
Clown

January 2, 2007
6:01 pm
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Hey Clown~

I read this last night but couldn't formulate what I wanted to say without coming off as a know-it-all wise ass.

So here goes: You have a choice with LM. You can either sacrifice yourself (again) or you can be honest with him and let him go.

Yes, he will hurt. But if you have to choose between his hurting and your hurting do you think you should sacrifice yourself for him? Haven't you been down this road before?

As hard as it is, and I KNOW it's hard, you need to learn to take care of you. You have to do what's in your best interests. That's where your responsibility lies.

Okay, going to go now. Let me know if I've been a know-it-all-smart-ass again!!

Love,
Cyndra

January 2, 2007
10:37 pm
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Cyn-you little Smart Ass!!

I appreciate what you are saying. I understand the 'taking care of me' part. But I do have a responsibity to LM to at least treat him well. (being careful not to hurt him)

Remember that he is a lawyer with my daughter so I have to be very careful......Besides I do like him and he is growing on me. I think though, that I was not anywhere ready to jump into another relationship so soon. I do think that I can slow down the pace a bit. That I know I can do.

I have this huge and I do mean HUGE project that I have to do for work over the next 2 weeks. It is going to be all consuming, so that will be a time to step back and think about everything.

PLUS~LM is having his parents in this weekend and he can't tell them about me! He says that his Mom will get upset b/c he is dating an older woman. I said that he needs to do or say whatever works for him-course of least resistance.

Where is Need? We haven't heard from her for several days. I miss her.

Are you back to work too? I drove over 300 miles today so my doggies are barking. Thanks again for your insightfulness.

Love,
Clown

January 2, 2007
11:00 pm
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Hey girls... I have missed you both.. THanks for asking about me clown.. I am doing alright. Jake has been sick.. Fever for two days now.. I asked their father if he could call out of work to watch him tomorrow because he is not able to go to school and slugshit said no.. he said that he would not get paid for the holiday (which is false..) then he said that he has responsibilties at work.. he also said that he is full-time and I am only part-time.. I guess he feels that he cannot do it because he is the one "giving" me HIS money.. the jerk,,, but then again his name is SLUGSHIT!!!!!!!!!

My girlfriend is going to come over and watch Jake while I go to work.. that is if he does not have to go to the doctor..

My parents are going away for a week. They went away at this time last year and will miss my birthday again..!!!!!!!!

Love and hugs
NEED

January 2, 2007
11:07 pm
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Opps! I just posted an APB for ya, Need!

Sorry to hear about Jake. Have you taken him to the doctor? Does he need an antibiotic? I call on Peds everyday and there is so much junk going around. I pull out a tissue to open the office doors and sanitize my hands when I get back into the car!

I hope he feels better soon. SS is just that. Your girlfriend will probably take better care of him anyways!

Glad you're back!

January 3, 2007
8:02 pm
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Thanks Clown-- I posted on the other thread that you had started for me.. That was so sweet. I was so happy to know that there you care so much about me along with Cyndra and Ras and other sisters and friends that I have here..

I am doing alright. Been busy taking care of my friend who was in a car accident and in a lot of pain. She is my best friend's twin sister.

Jake is still sick. My poor baby...

Pondscum left a message for me this morning and asked when did I go to sleep last night because I did not call him.. ??

Slugshit is still slugshit.. Tigers do not change their stripes for sure.

I hope that all is well with you..

Cyndra-- Matt is so lost without his chef Jake. I thought that he might ask me to "fill-in" for him but I guess he does not want any of the food to be burnt so he'd rather close Sloppy Joe's for a few days. That is fine with me because I am the dishwasher..!! (what else is new)

love and hugs to you both
NEED

January 3, 2007
9:06 pm
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Need,

I'm sure you wouldn't burn the food, but it's a sibling operation. No Parental Units allowed. LOL

I'm glad you are helping with your best friend's twin sister. I hope she begins to feel better soon. I know it will take some time. Especially with a neck injury.

Why is PS thinking you are going to call? You haven't spoken to him in two weeks!! Sounds like he's testing how serious you are about the NC thing.

Clown~ How are you? Thank you for sending the APB for Need.

January 3, 2007
11:57 pm
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needtoheal
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CYndra--

I am not sure what Pondscum may be wondering.. He called me the other day while I was talking to a friend on my cell phone and I never clicked over... That happened twice...

Maybe he is testing to see how serious I may be about the whole No Contact thing but in all honesty I am not even paying attention to it.. I just feel so much better and I am happier with surrounding myself with my friends that I do not even think about PS during the day like I used to do.. Out of sight and out of mind...

love
NEED

January 4, 2007
12:19 am
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Hey Girls:

Need, sorry that Jake is not feeling much better. Let's hope that tomorrow is a better day.

Cyn, you are always so good to take care of others on here, how are you doing yourself? Still having that love affair?

I'm going through such a stressful time right now, that I can only ask that you think of me. I spent 2 hrs with my therapist tonight~shed tears for the first time in 6 months.

I saw a cute sign on a door in a doctor's office today: It said-

"Everyone brings JOY to this office~some when they arrive and others when they leave!

Hope you ALL have a great day!

Love~
Clown

January 4, 2007
8:33 am
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Good morning girls...

Jake is STILL SICK!! My poor baby still has a FEVER & is still PUCKING.. He is still taking small sips of liquids.. He cannot eat any solid foods...
I had to call out sick again today. I certainly could not ask their father to take a sick day and stay with him.. (been there and done that)..
My parents are enjoying themselves in the Bahamas for the week. It seems that they always go away the week of my birthday..

I am going to have some friends over on Sunday.

My best friend's sister went to see an orthopedic doctor yesterday and she will be out of work for another three weeks.
The boys go with their dad this weekend so she will stay with me but after Sunday she is going to stay with her mother..

I have to admit that I have enjoyed her company..

Hope everyone has a good day today..

~NEED~

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