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**clownface.... need your help!!****
December 21, 2006
12:05 am
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clownface
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Hi Ladies!

Need~I am sorry PS has disappointed you, yet again. I think he has some growing up to do, sans YOU. It is hard to give up on a dream, but he is sounding more like a nightmare. I KNOW you will be okay once you eradicate him from your life. If you can't do it, we understand. Whatever, whenever, if ever, we'll always be here for you. One thing is constant~we will support you NO matter what hill or valley you may pass through.

Cyn~How in the world are you? Still having that love affair with yourself? I sure hope so! I did not realize that you work with FIB! Gee, is that awkward for you? Hopefully, you don't have much interaction with him.

Okay~gonna hurl my guts!!

LM is coming on strong! He asked me to spend the night with him the night of the wedding. BUT, what did I do??? I had KH spend the night with me!!

He (KH) is beginning to show his true colors once again. My grandmother always told me, "You can't change a zebra's stripes." Well, you can't take nastiness out of a person either. Klunkhead is a nasty, self-centered, selfish person.
Having him stay in'my space' really provided clarity for me. There was no physical exchange and there won't be.

Tomorrow night I am taking Lawyerman out for Christmas dinner--my treat. He was such an asset the night of the wedding, helping to load many items into my car, etc. Biggest problem with him is: He's a little boring for me. I MUST have some Upp-hh!!! But, he is normal and easy going. This is far more appealing than anything. I gotta get him a Christmas present and I'm not sure what to get or how much to spend. He has taken me many nice places and ALWAYS paid for everything. Tomorrow night is my treat. (I even called him back tonight-Cyn!!) I think he got me an Ipod. I might get him a POLO shirt. What ya think?

Work is going well, just very busy!! I am trying to get all my calls in before the offices close for the holidays.

I haven't purchased one gift yet! Too busy being in 'wedding mode!' Hope you all are ready for the holidays.

Love to all~
Clown :-0

December 21, 2006
3:07 am
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needtoheal
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Clown~~

I am so glad that you are back!!! I have missed you so much.. I think that a POlo shirt will be a nice gift for LM.. and treating him to dinner tomorrow night.. Let us know how it goes..

Cyndra~~ thanks for the information in the book Codependent No More.. I will definitely read it..

Ok-- here is another text message that I sent him...

"I am not comfortable talking about this with you so I am writing to you how I feel.. You are not capable of being in a healthy sexual relationship with me. You do have a sex drive but for maturbating.. I have my needs in which you are incapable of fulfilling. I had been willing to give it another chance and hoped for change but after finding out about this I deserve to be treated with respect. This is not what I would want if we were engaged or married. Thanks for listening..""

Then I also sent another text:

"I want to go out with other people now. I am leaving you. If you want to remain strictly friends then time will tell of we can handle that."

He did call me late tonight while he was on his way to the bowling alley. I did not answer the phone..

After school today my girlfriend came over with her two children. After finishing their homework first they helped us put up our Christmas tree. The kids got to decorate it. We ordered pizza.. Then afterwards the boys went with their friends upstairs and played rocket ship. It was so funny because they came down to tell us that they had landed on Mars. Then Jake said that they were going to Uranus next and everyone started to laugh..

I am going out to dinner with the Rockstar on Friday night after the boys go to their dad's until Sunday night.. His girlfriend cannot make it.. It will be nice to get together with him. He was such a great friend and I miss him now that he has moved away after the divorce. We have a very strong connection. His kids always play with the boys since we are next door neighbors. He always told me that if he could he would date me.. He says that I am the perfect mother. However, we both know that we could never be together as a couple. I am glad that we are still friends...

Love to you both

NEED

December 21, 2006
7:16 am
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Good morning everyone!!

Clown~ FIB and I don't work in physical proximity of one another. We have a project that we started for a business he was developing. I'm finishing my portion of it.

Need~ What you did was good!! Telling him up front you want to see other people was wonderful, and I'm sure a shock for him.

The boys sound like they had fun playing space ship.

I'm going to spill in a little ladies, but I need to go to my desk for a bit. I'll be back later this morning.

December 21, 2006
8:49 am
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Girls --

I was to the point with him. I know that he may try to come back even harder and may feel threatened by the fact that I want to see other people now but I am not willing to be close with him. I had also told him the other night that I do not want him to get me and the boys Christmas gifts because I do not expect to see him at Christmas.
Even after getting those text messages he called last night but I did not answer the phone.

I hope that you both have a good day and Cyndra-- make sure you come back and post what you need to puck with us.

I love you both

Hugs

NEED

December 21, 2006
1:14 pm
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Okay, here goes:

I have talked to FIB three times in the past five days. We talked Friday, Saturday and then again last night.

I thought I was still in love with him, maybe I am and it’s diminishing, but whatever I’m feeling those feelings aren’t blinding me to who he is. I don’t think he’s capable of giving me what I need in a relationship. That doesn’t mean he’s horrible, it just means he isn’t right for me. He said that he wished we had met at another time in his life. I wish the same thing, but that doesn’t mean it would be any different.

Last night I had told him that I had been ready to move since November of last year. His response was that he hadn’t wanted me to move then because of all the fighting we had just been through. I wish he had told me that then because I would have ended it. What would have been the point of trying to hold on to a relationship when that’s what he felt? I was so hurt because I had thought he wanted me to move, but didn’t think it was practical. The truth was he didn’t want me to move until it suited him. I don’t think he ever wanted me to move.

Men want us to take them at their word but sometimes their words don’t match up. I can’t take someone at their word if I find out they weren’t honest with me. It bothers me that he wasn’t honest with me. Yes, we would have broken up because it would have been obvious his feelings were changing, but I wouldn’t feel like the last year was a lie. That’s how I feel right now.

I’m back grieving again because the image of what I thought was going on wasn’t real. AGAIN!!! I’m so sick of this!! I want all of the illusions I’ve held to come crashing down so I can move on. I don’t know who I’m angrier at myself or him. I think me.

This reminds me of how I told him all the things I was finally able to acknowledge and how he felt betrayed. I don’t feel betrayed, but I just wish it would all come out so I can completely shatter the illusion I’ve been holding of this relationship.

The project we’ve been working on is a book. I’ve done a lot of research and I’m just organizing that for him so he can do what he wants with it. I don’t want to work on it with him any longer. I don’t want to do anything with him any longer.

Now you see, I’m not so great. I have moments where I’ve done the backsliding thing. I get frustrated with myself because I’ll make progress and fall back a little. I know it’s normal, but why does it have to hurt so much? UGH!!!

As far as Christmas goes, the shopping is done. The cards are out. I’m finished. I did send a card to FIB. I thought he’d send me one, but that was just incredibly stupid of me. I must have enrolled in Stupid U once again. What am I going to major in this time? LOL

My mother’s office party is Saturday. I ordered a chocolate mousse cake. What’s a party without chocolate? That will be fun. As for Christmas day, I’ll make a great breakfast, she’ll cook dinner and we’ll go to the movies. We don’t do the great big family thing. That’s not really us. We can’t decide what to go see. The new Clive Owen movie looks interesting.

Clown~ If you need that spark for a relationship I would end it with LM. You may not ever feel that thrill. I know you like his “normalness” and he’s very nice, but if you need more, that’s what you need. Nothing wrong with that.

Tell KH to take a hike to nowhere and when he gets there build a house. This guy is a mess!! Now that you have someone who appreciates you he’s gotten a wake up call?!?!?! Give me a break! Tell him too much, too little, too late!!!

Need~ You know we’ll support you. You have to do what you can do. No one has a right to tell you how to do it. We can tell you what we may do if we were in your situation, but that’s all we can do. Got it?

Okay, now that I’m done I’m going to grab a cigarette and some fresh cool air.

Thanks for reading all of this. You guys really are wonderful to me and for me.

Love,
Cyndra

December 21, 2006
1:39 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((Cyn))) (((Need))) (((Clown)))

December 22, 2006
4:17 pm
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Hi Y'all!!

I have always called FIB the Little Prince. His parents had him when they were older and he is an only child.

Something happened the other night that really confirmed this to me. He was talking to his mother and she was waiting up for him (he's at their house while his father is in hospital). She wanted to do something for him that he could do for himself. While not a huge thing, I don't think I know of any 70+ year old woman who would stay up just to do something for her 30+ year old son. Maybe it's me...

December 22, 2006
6:50 pm
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I do... Pondscum's mother would stay up just to do something for her son.. His mother even calls him "the PRINCE"..
She does a lot of things for him that he could do for himself...
That is her problem now.. I am now
---------scumfree-------------

Hope all is well..

Not going to go out with the Rockstar tonight..

That is okay.. I am going to finish up some Christmas shopping...

Love and hugs to you both

SCUMFREE NEED

December 23, 2006
8:18 am
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Need~ When I think about your being scumfree I think about Black & Decker's Scumbuster that I use to clean the bathrooms. We may have to call you the Scumbuster after being free of SS and PS!!! LOL

December 23, 2006
4:13 pm
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needtoheal
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LOL--

I am SCUMFREE!!!!!!

I love it...

I am a SCum Buster!!

December 23, 2006
8:46 pm
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When you wrote that on the Libs side I smiled so hugely!!! I am so proud of you, Need!!!

December 24, 2006
12:19 am
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Hi Girls:

My wireless network was down, yet again.

Cyn~I am sorry you are in pain again. At least now you can see things more clearly with FIB. I know completely how it feels to be "thinking" you may be in love with someone and then you see that it is just an illusion. Painful process when reality sets in.

Need~ You scum-buster, YoU!!!
I'm not conviced PS is gone for good. Dont't get upset with me, but you guys are doing the Push/pull thing. However it goes, we're here for ya.

I've had so much drama in my life, that I don't know where to start!!

Dinner with LM was good. I got him a Burberry shirt and get this, He got me a pearl necklace and he wants to take me to NY in Jan. I said that I would be pleased to go.

KH is driving me crazy. I finally got the courage to tell him, yet again, that we were 'square peg, round hole.' He is only interested in me for my $$$. He wanted to come here and stay at my home over the holidays and I told him that would not be a good idea.

So girlie, girls---here's my decision! I am going to date LM. He is a nice guy and he is beginning to grow on me. My girlfriends saw him @ my daughter's wedding and they heartily gave their stamp of approval. Becuase they know the pain that I have endured at the hand of KH, they think LM is like a breath of fresh air.

I would like to wish each of you (Need, Cyn, Mich and so forth) a Merry Little Holiday Season whatever your faith may be. I am grateful for my cyber friendships and while my service was down, I quickly realized how much I appreciate your thoughts and insights.

Take good care,
Clown

December 24, 2006
8:18 am
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Clown~ It's nice to hear from you again. Is the wireless router acting up or is it your service? If it's the router I'd just get a new one, but if it's the service I'd get some money back!!!

Sounds like KH senses someone's invading his territory. I think LM is a very nice man. Pearls? I love pearls. I got those last Christmas. A Burberry shirt? You have good taste!

Isn't it amazing how we become attached to people we've not met? I, too, am grateful for my cyber friendships. They make the days easier and let me know I'm not alone. That helps a lot!!

Well, the illusion is gone. Dang those rose colored blinders!!! LOL I'm okay. I had a great time at my mother's office party.

I hope you both have a wonderful holiday season. Love you both.

December 24, 2006
10:44 am
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Clown~~
Hey girlfriend.. It was nice to hear from you again.. I have missed you very much..
Glad to hear that you have decided to date LM and he is growing on you.. GOOD FOR YOU!! You deserve the best..
New York is wonderful. I love to go there especially during the holiday season.. I can catch a train and be there in about 20 minutes from where I live..
I hope that you have a MERRY CHRISTMAS..

Cyndra--
I posted to you over on the libs side. I want you to know that you are very special to me.. I am so glad that we have become close over the past few months.. Keep having that love affair with yourself.. It is now time for me to do the same..

Pondscum called me yesterday morning and I did not answer the phone. I did not return his call.. He later text me last night. He wrote
"Good luck bowling tonight". I did not respond..
THen at 1:45 this morning I woke up because he had sent a text message. He wrote:

"I know u hate me now by not returning my calls so u & the boys have a happy holidays. I love you always. Bye."

He is trying to twist things around and do the push/pull thing with me.. He is trying to manipulate me once again and get me to seek him..

During the past week, as you both know, I had explained my feelings to him by either text messages or voice mail. I told him that I am looking for someone else. I told him that I could not be any more than a friend and time will tell if we can handle that..

I guess he cannot handle being just friends with me since I did not return his phone call IN ONE DAY!!
I answered his call on Friday so it is not like it had even been DAYS OR WEEKS that we have NOT spoken..

I wish to remain Scum Free. I no longer want a relationship with him..

He had made the choices that he made and he now has to deal with the consequences of HIS ACTIONS..

THat is NOT MY PROBLEM..

As far as Christmas, well the boys are returning tonight from being with their father this weekend..

They are due to return home at 6 pm tonight so I have to finish wrapping and hide their presents down in the basement until after they fall asleep tonight..

For Christmas, we are going over to my parent's house. My brother will also be there with my neice and nephew.. Then at 1 pm their father is picking them up and will be keeping them overnight.. He is also going to have them until Tuesday night since that is the usual day that he sees them since it is his regular day off from work. So the boys will not be home until 7:30 Tuesday night..

So after 1 pm tomorrow I will be alone.

I was invited over to have dinner at my girlfriend's house with her husband and kids.

It is the first Christmas Eve and CHristmas in the past four years that I have not spent with PS..

I am glad.. I am going to be Pondscum Free...

Then a week after New Year's it will be my birthday.. January 7th..

I love you both and I am glad to have such wonderful, loving and caring cyber friends..

Love and hugs to you both

~~SCUM BUSTER NEED~~

December 24, 2006
3:27 pm
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Hi Ladies~

I have been busier than a cat in a litter box!! Finally I have purchased all my gift cards. It is the easy way out I know, but my children are all grown and I have no idea what to get them. This way they can get what they want!

Sounds like Need is gonna be one of Santa's little elfs' tonight! What fun! I remember when my children were little, it was so much fun to watch their faces on Christmas morning.

Cyn-What are you doing on Christmas day? You probably already told us and I missed it.

I did something last night that I am horribly ashamed of. It is far too complicated to give all the facts, but I retialated against KH. He and his son have had difficulties & now Kh will do ANYTHING to repair with him. Anyway, according to his son, I have been part of the problem--just my mere presence is too much.

His 34 yr old son got upset when I did not attend his 32 birthday party b/c I had a heart cath that day & he thought I was ignoring his party. I couldn't move for 12 hrs!

So, you are asking, what did I do? I called KH's cell phone while his son and grandchildren were at his house and talked with his 7 yr old grand daughter. We were somewhat close when she was a baby and toddler. I think Kh got mad b/c his son got mad that I called. Anyway, the road is now paved for me to make an easy exit from KH. B/c he is hurt, (surgery on arm)I have tried to help him. Now I realize that I CAN NOT help him and I MUST move on.

LM is with his family and will not be back until Tues night.

Every holiday in the past, KH has caused so much drama that I could never enjoy the day. This yr there will be NO drama!! I am so excited.

I am upset that simply out of meanness I called his cellphone and created drama for him. That is not my nature. I'm not sure what came over me, I guess I just sorta had had enough...Unfortunately, I don't feel any better for doing it.

I am fighting the urge to call him. If I leave it alone, there will be no more dialogue between KH and I. That would be the best thing. It's an addiction. I am so used to having his drama in my life that I am gonna need some time to adjust to 'no drama.' Does that make any sense?

Thanks in advance for your insight!

Happy Holidays,
Clown

December 24, 2006
4:52 pm
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Need~ So, after 1pm tomorrow you will be alone. GET TO THE VIDEO STORE!!! I don't have as much time as I would like and I would love a day to watch movies!!!

Oh, are my nephews going to be excited to have Santa pay a visit to them. I really need to have some kids so I can do that too!! I miss doing it for my godchildren.

Clown~ Yes, you are addicted to drama. You are so used to the dysfunction you had with KH you kinda miss it but you don't. I know exactly how you feel. It's just so dang hard to get used to being healthy that we backslide a bit.

Don't worry, I believe the feeling will pass. KH's son sounds as imature and manipulative as he does. Wow!! What a wonderful thing to teach your children!!! UGH!!

My Christmas plans include doing as much of nothing as possible. I'm cooking breakfast for mom and I. We're going to see the new Matt Damon movie, then she's cooking dinner. How fun is that?

I gave up on the big family thing long ago. We have relatives where we live in Maryland, but our family is so dysfunctional I stopped going. I can't do it. I think it's great when people have families who are warm and loving. Unfortunately, mine isn't.

Happy Holidays, Cyndra

December 24, 2006
7:24 pm
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Thank, Cyndra! Your explanation of my relationship with KH makes PERFECT sense. I have been trying to dump him but at the same time, afraid to do so. I have NEVER been in such a predicament. I know what it is: I am afraid to loose him. I don't want anybody else to have him but I don't want him either. I need to get to the place that I don't care.

Sounds like you have a good day planned. If you see the previews for the new Matt Mckonehey (sp) WE ARE MARSHALL....that is my hometown. I live right there and watched them film the scenes. I graduated from Marshall. Let me know how the THE GOOD SHEPHERD is--we may go see it tomorrow night after dinner.

Need: I hope you get along okay tomorrow. Can you still go to your girlfriends house after the boys leave? How bout going to your folks, is that an option?

Peace and Joy~
Clown

December 24, 2006
7:31 pm
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NEED~

Rent movies too.

The`Devil Wears Prada is a great chick flick!

December 24, 2006
8:24 pm
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NEED~

Rent movies too.

The`Devil Wears Prada is a great chick flick!

December 24, 2006
8:34 pm
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I am going to go over to my girlfriend's house after the boys leave.It will be so nice to do something different this Christmas. I am not depressed at all.. My parent's are probably going to go out..
I sent a text message to PS today explaining to him that if I do not talk to him for 1 day it does not mean that I hate him. I told him that I do not hate him. I said that he made the choices that he made and It hurt me a lot. I told him that I do not want to be in a relationship with him anymore. There is not much else to say.

Thanks for the suggestions on what to do.. I am glad that I am definitely going over to my friend's house...

Love to you both
~~SCUM FREE NEED~~

December 24, 2006
8:53 pm
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Clown~ I don't think it's about not wanting anyone to have him, even though that may be there too. I think we're addicted to the push me/pull you feeling. Maybe we don't think it's "REAL" unless we have the drama. If there isn't drama it can't be love. OMG, there is a 40s standard and the chorus goes:

This can't be love/because I feel so well/my head is not in the skies

How appropriate is that? Or another Broadway song that's called "I Wish I Were In Love Again" that talks about how she's bored because there aren't any fights or jealousies. Okay, that is too funny! Both those songs just popped into my head.

Need~ Okay, I'm gonna play Devi's Advocate here, why'd you send PS a text message? Why was it bothering you that he got upset because you dind't call him after one day?

I ask because I do it. I send text messages or call.

My latest thinking is that FIB could never give me what I needed because, in reality, he isn't capable. No matter what he says about it being bad timing he just lacks the life experience to be my partner. DAMN, that was hard to admit to.

What did I want to do? I wanted to TELL him this. I wanted to throw it in his face to see what his reaction would be? What did I do? I wrote it in my journal and am still analyzing the why I needed to share it with him. If I'm done then I'm done. Get the project finished, and be on my merry way. I don't need the drama to live. I don't need him to live either.

FIB is 35 years old and has never had a relationship go longer than 18 months until I dated him. What does that say? It ain't all me. I may be codep, but I needed something to work with. If he had been meeting all my needs I don't think it would have been like this. But when he decided he couldn't be bothered and I needed to be happy with the 30% he could be bothered giving codep reared it's ugly head. So, it ain't all me. Bottom line.

Christmas is going to be fun. I'll report back with a movie reveiw. Mom is excited to be seeing THE GOOD SHEPHERD. She's even decided we're going to have a late breakfast because no one else will be out. I don't have to cook!!! LOL

Have a wonderful day, and thanks so much for being a part of my life.

December 24, 2006
9:35 pm
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Cyndra:

Wow, you have a good grip on how things are you and FIB. Why haven't you finished his project? Do you still email/text him often? So if I'm understanding, YOU fall in the same pot with ole Need and I!!! (you're on the rim, Need amd I are boiling in the pot!!)

What I did yesterday was very hurtful for KH and his healing with his son. I shouldn've called. I knew better. I wanted to inflict pain and that, I did. I left a message for him today but as usual, he did not return my call. All last week, he was saying, "I love you, Sweetie!" But if you asked him today he'd call me that ' Fu$%#@ng Bi$^h!!!

I am sorry I caused him conflict b/c I have never intentionally hurt him in the past 7 yrs of our relationship. I just snapped. I guess I have put up with so much that I felt the need to retaliate. I will never do this again.

I am moving on, but I am still stuck on living my life with all the drama. LM is so normal, it's scary. I am attempting to be normal too.

Need, I am glad you are going to go to your girlfriends' house. I too, am wondering why you text PS? Porbably like me, still not ready to completely bust the scum!! LOL

Merry HoHoHo!
Clown

December 24, 2006
9:51 pm
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Clown~ I don't text him often. It's usually e-mail or we actually talk.

The project is almost finished. I'll send off my notes on CD-ROM next week. I'll be done!! YEA!!!

Gosh, yes!! I am definitely in the same pot. I just spend so much time analyzing my actions and dispensing advice it only seems like I've got a good grip!! LMAO

I can't complain much. I do see what I'm doing and I can usually stop myself from doing it, but those moments when I don't...UGH!!!

Is your daughter back from her honeymoon? What are your plans for tomorrow?

December 24, 2006
10:31 pm
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Thanks girls for pointing it out to me that even by sending him a text message it still allows the door of communication-- right? Well, at least I did not call him. He did not send a text message back.. at least not yet..I can honestly care less that he is mad about me not returning his phone calls for one day. I guess I felt like I needed to explain myself some more to set boundaries with him.. that if I do not talk to him for a day that does not mean that I hate him.. I still cannot believe he told me that he sent pictures of his dysfunctional genitalia to these women because he said that he needed to reciprocate.

The boys are going to have such a blast. Jake said that there are nine reindeer so we sliced up nine sections from an apple for the deer. I am making cookies and will leave some for Santa.

I went to the store today to pick up some last minute things.. I got the boys some more play food for them.. Spongebob Krabby Patties and it is a grill that makes grilling sounds..

I could not find anymore of the ATM machine that they wanted at Target... Yes, an ATM machine.. THey told me that they want one so that if a customer does not have cash or a credit card the customer can go to the ATM machine and get money..

I just talked to my mother who wants us to come over between 9 and 9:30 tomorrow.. after the boys open their gifts up here..

Thank you both for being in my life. Clown-- glad that your computer is working...

I will let you both know how the boys react.. This was the fastest they have ever gone to sleep..

Have some wrapping to do yet..

love ya both
SCUM FREE NEED

December 26, 2006
11:53 am
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cyndra820
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Hi Clown and Scumbuster!!

How was your holiday? I hope you both enjoyed the day.

I had a nice peaceful day. THE GOOD SHEPHARD is an excellent movie. Matt Damon is a terrific actor. If you get a chance please see it. It is more suspenseful than violent.

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