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**clownface.... need your help!!****
December 12, 2006
9:38 am
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cyndra820
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Need~ Who else do you let call you a bitch?

For me bitch is one of those words that a man can NEVER call me. FIB did it once and I hung up on him. It's about self-respect. If I let him call me a bitch what makes cunt unacceptable? I can't let a man do that to me.

I'm glad you are taking the time to not respond immediately to the extremely negative and manipulative behaviors of PS and SS. It is about recognizing OUR patterns as well as their's. It keeps us focused and grounded. I have a hard enough time doing that now.

Do you journal? I find journaling helps me sort out what's real and what's not. Sometimes I'll write something that's more about the illusion I had of FIB than who he really was/is. That's important to me. I need to differentiate between what's real and what's my imagination.

I told my therapist I feel kind of foolish having created an imaginary friend at this age.

December 12, 2006
4:44 pm
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Good point Cyndra-- did not think of it from that perspective..

SS gave me some more hell today.. THe school called me at work and said that Matt was worried that I did not know that it was a half day. I told the secretary that his father is picking them up today.. So she called him. Well he never got to the school in time to pick them up so my mother went there to get the boys.. His girlfriend's kids were in the office with the boys.. The school called his girlfriend to come pick up her kids..

Then he said that he has to bring them back on CHristmas night because he does not have the proper sleeping arrangements for his kids. I cannot take this crap.,. Before he hung up on me he said sarcastically that "thanks for not helping me.. Go ahead and spend MY MONEY".. He always has to bring up the alimony that I receive..

As far as PS, he sent me a couple of forwarded text messages that some girl from the bowling alley sent him.. they were all jokes.. but I ended up sending a text message to him that he is the fool for giving her his number... that is another reason why he has hidden his cell phone from me... ahhh haa..

He will probably call me after he gets out of work at 5:30.. wonder how he is going to react from the text I sent him about being a fool..

It is funny because a few months ago, before we "broke up" he had her phone number on a piece of paper in his room (this ugly girl from the bowling alley).. He said that she slipped it into his pocket one night without him knowing it..

Then he said that he will never call her..

Now he sends me these forwarded text messages from her so he had to give her his cell number..

I do not care that he is talking to her.. I just find it so interesting..

wonder how many others that he gives his phone number to...

UGGHHHHHHHH!!!

December 12, 2006
5:19 pm
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cyndra820
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Need~ Ask SS if the boys are really such an inconvenience that he can't keep them the whole day. If that's the case then he can drop off their gifts and you'll send him pictures.

As for his snide remarks about the alimony tell him it's the schtuping he gets for the schtuping he got. I got that from "Freddie's Dead" the movie with Phoebe Cates and Carrie Fisher. It's fair payment for the disaster he created in all your lives.

As for PS and the phone numbers, what is your gut telling you? You ARE hurt and a little angry by his lying to you. He did lie. He said he would never call her, but he gave her the number. Is that acceptable to you? Why does he have to say he won't do something if he wants to do it? He is an adult who is NOT in a committed relationship. He can do whatever he wants, BUT so can you.

What do you want with/from PS? What does he give you? I know these are questions that are hard to answer, but you have to answer them. No matter how painful the answers.

So, how are the boys? When was the last time they turned on the television? What's up at the restaurant?

Need, take care of you. Be good to you. Do what brings you peace and calm in your life, if that's what you want.

Sometimes we get so addicted to the game of push/pull we keep playing it even when we say we don't want to play anymore. I've done it. I was doing it up until a month ago. It is not easy stopping. I literally have to talk myself down from doing it. It serves no good purpose in my life. It makes me feel small and hurt. Why do I want to keep doing that to myself? It has to stop.

I am not telling you what to do. I may be pushing, and I don't mean to push too hard, but I do mean to push. There are things you are saying you see, but what makes you not do anything about them?

Okay, stepping off the soapbox now. I don't want you to be hurt by this guy anymore. I get the sense you aren't ready to move on. It's okay if that's where you want to be. But realize you are making the choices now, not him. You are deciding to settle for this rather than risk letting it go and seeing what else is out there.

You are a strong woman, you just have to believe it.

Love,
Cyndra

December 12, 2006
6:12 pm
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needtoheal
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I understand what you are saying Cyndra and I do not even care about him giving his number to the girl.. even though he said that he never would. Just as much as he could look at my cell phone and see that there are other men who have sent text messages that are my friends (like rock star)..

Turns out that PS cannot go to the concert tonight because he hurt his back at work. i know that his back has been bothering him.. He was worried that the boys would be disappointed and does not want them to think that it is like how their father does not keep his promises..
That is the one thing that they do say about PS.. he has always kept his promises to them..

Thanks for keep asking me the questions that I need to ask myself.. You are doing a better job than my therapist..

As far as SS and the alimony I have told him many times that it is the consequences of his actions and also he was the one who also agreed to the terms of the money.. He said that he only agreed because he knew that he could have lost more in court if it went to trial..

I know that I should be thinking of the boys first but it bothers me that he cannot take them for the night-- either Christmas eve or Christmas night.. and it also bothers me because HER children come first.. and it is also annoying because when he decided to take this one bedroom apartment it was acceptable for the four boys to be there (it only has two and a half rooms total-- like a studio apartment) and legally in my town you can only have two adults and one child under the age of 6 living there.. anyway, it was acceptable until he got the notice for eviction and NOW he is concerned for better sleeping arrangements for HIS KIDS...

He is such a jerk.. and he needs to deal with the consequences of the choices that he has made with his girlfriend... That is not my problem..

and as usual he tries to turn things around and point the finger at me whenever he can because he is someone that cannot accept the responsibility or accountability of his choices...

thanks for listening and your input..

The boys are doing fine.. They are still their creative selves.. I have to get moving on some CHristmas shopping for their gifts..

I will post later and let you know how the concert goes...

CLown-- hope you are feeling better...

December 12, 2006
8:18 pm
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needtoheal
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Concert went well. The boys had a great time singing especially at the end to Bruce Springsteen's version of Santa Claus is Coming to Town..

SS's girlfriend's ex was there too..

Cyndra-- I am really going to think about all the questions that you have asked me since I have been talking to PS...

thanks

December 12, 2006
8:41 pm
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needtoheal
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As far as the phone number of what he describes is from the ugly girl at the bowling alley (that is what I meant to say in my earlier post -- when he text me and told me that it was a joke and that the ugly girl sent it to him)... I did not realize that it bothered me until I went back and reread what I posted...
I do not feel angry that he once said that he would never call her because that was when we were together.. So who am I to say anything or try to control him when there are people who call and text me..

As you and Clown know I am having a hard time letting go of PS...

I have not tried to meet other people.

Although when the guy who took me home from the Christmas party asked about PS I told him that I do not talk to him that much anymore.. (Whenever I talk to this guy at work he always asks me about PS.. He might have seen him in the store twice last week).. This guy is dating someone.. I wonder if he is interested? I would go out with him in a heartbeat. Maybe he has a hang up about the kids.. That seems to be an issue with a lot of men....

Although the boys do know this guy from my work, If I were to date him, I would keep the boys at a distance for quite some time.. I would not want them to get attached to someone else and then it not work out...

December 12, 2006
9:50 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyndra---

I am wondering if you could elaborate some more about what your relationship with FIB was like?

What did you like about him? What did you not like about him?

December 12, 2006
11:04 pm
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needtoheal
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Clown---

How are you feeling sweetie?

I hope that you are feeling better..

How are the plans with the wedding?

December 13, 2006
9:00 am
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needtoheal
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Good morning girls--

Clown-- have not heard from you.. hope that you are feeling better...

Cyndra-- thinking about you as always... and thinking about all those questions that you have asked me...

December 13, 2006
9:06 am
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needtoheal
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Hope that you both have a great day..

I called out sick from work this morning.. I am hoping to get some Christmas shopping done..

I will check back later..

Love you both

Hugs,
NEED

December 13, 2006
11:50 am
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Need~

You asked me for more information about my relationship with FIB. Here goes!

He is about three years younger than me and from a different cultural background. He is first generation American. He lived a very sheltered life, very little life experience. No children, but has been "adopted" by two of his former girlfriends children.

What I liked about him: Intelligence, quirky sense of humor, he seemed ambitious (more about that later), and he was tall.

What I didn't like about him: Materialistic, had a sense of entitlement, had grand dreams but no plan, he had no real world knowledge.

I kept trying to make the reality into something that wasn't. Since I've given up the fantasy my life has been much calmer.

I would say he's a nice man, but not the person for me. That wouldn't be quite right. He's very selfish, but most people don't see it. He is charming when he wants to be. Sometimes he reminds me of a sullen child. So, at best he's immature with little life experience. At worst, he's a selfish bastard with no consideration of anyone or anything.

Does that help answer your questions.

December 13, 2006
2:32 pm
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needtoheal
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Yes, I just wanted to know more about what it was like with FIB..

December 13, 2006
2:34 pm
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needtoheal
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I went Christmas shopping today and got the boys some gifts for Sloppy Joe's... pans, utensils.. and a microwave...

they'll like it.!!

December 13, 2006
5:10 pm
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Need~ I'm sure the boys will love the stuff for the restaurant. I think that's so cool.

How are you today? You haven't been saying much. I guess you're thinking and getting the holiday shopping done.

Work was work. I'm on the verge of telling someone who doesn't want to work to stay out of my way. He's such an idiot!!

Other than that I'm okay. I had a moment of really hating FIB. Guess I'm still invested even though I'm in the process of liquidating. Sometimes thoughts of things he's said or did get on my last damn nerve.

Okay, positive thing here. I found my mother's surprise gift. She told me what she wanted and I did get that. I wanted to get her something she hadn't told me about and I picked that up today after work. I got her a cashmere sweater.

Talk to you later.

December 13, 2006
6:03 pm
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needtoheal
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Getting worried about you Clown.. Hope you are feeling better...

Cyndra-- I think your mom is going to love the cashmere sweater for Christmas.. I still have to buy something for my parents and my niece and nephew.. I guess I will get something for PS because I think he got me something and also gifts for the boys..

I will talk to you later..

Love ya

NEED

December 14, 2006
7:31 am
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Need~ Clown's probably recovered from the bug, but is caught up in all the stuff for the wedding Saturday. We'll here from her by Monday. Just watch.

I had thought about getting something for FIB but decided not to. The book I was going to get him I bought for myself. Now I have three books to read!!! In addition to all the studying I'm doing!!!

Parents are the hardest to buy for aren't they? My mother's oldest sister only buys for her grand- and greatgrandchildren. I think that's funny, but she wasn't much of a mother.

Enjoy your day.

December 14, 2006
8:50 am
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I am sure Clown will tell us all the details from the wedding. I hope that her daughter has nice day on Saturday.

I have to break out the books and get busy with reading.. I still did not find the book that Clown suggested..

Got a lot of sleep last night..

Hope you have a good day Cyndra

Love,

NEED

December 16, 2006
11:20 am
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Need~ So, are you finished Christmas shopping? I am so glad that I'm done!!!

I have a bit of a cold. I have that run down feeling. Just completely worn out.

I talked to FIB last night. He wanted to see where I was on a project we were working on. I told him it was on the back burner but I could send him what I had done. He could finish what I had started or completely start from scratch. I don't care.

He wanted to chat, but I was no in the mood for his chatter about himself. I told him it wasn't a good time to chat and I'd have to get back to him later. Don't think he expected that.

Have you seen PS lately? What are you doing this weekend? How are my nephews?

Clown~ Today's the BIG day!!! I can't wait to hear about the wedding. Have you heard from KH? How's LM? How's work? How the heck are you? Missed you. Hope you are feeling better and enjoying the wedding.

Love,
Cyndra

December 16, 2006
11:43 am
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needtoheal
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Cyndra--

So I guess No Contact is impossible with FIB because you both work on projects? I am glad that since you did not feel like talking to him you told him that it was not a good time and that YOU would get back to him..!!

Your nephews are good. I had to take Matt to the doctor yesterday because he had a rash all over his chest. The doctor did a strep test which was negative. She also said that if it was scarlet fever he would have a really red and sore throat. She did take a throat culture that I took to the lab so the results will be in on Monday. I think that he had an allergic reaction to the sweater that he wore to the Winter concert the other night.. Time will tell.. Today he is feeling fine..
Right now they are playing in their room.. I ordered curly fries and a hamburger from Sloppy Joe's... They had a little delay because Jake wanted to be the cashier and did not want to be the chef.. They will work it out though..
Thanks for asking about them..

Last night the boys went with their dad.. I went over to pondscum's house. We cuddled while watching a movie called Pulse. It was a bomb. We watched tv and then it was time for me to go..

Tonight I am going bowling. My parents are watching the boys overnight.

I hope that all is well with you...

Sorry to hear that you have a cold and feel so warn out.. Please take it easy.. I know that you are busy but remember to take time to get plenty of rest...

Clown~~

Today is the big day... We are anxiously waiting to hear all about the wedding..

Love to you

NEED

December 17, 2006
8:04 am
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needtoheal
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WELL girls... Mr Pondscum has been apparently very busy with joining a dating service.. I snooped, He has been hiding his cell phone from me because he has text messages and pictures from women...

He even sent a text message last night saying that he just got out of the shower and was going bowling with his bowling buddy!!!!

I just do not know if I should admit to him that i snooped....

December 17, 2006
8:14 am
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needtoheal
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so Do I admit that I snooped and then kick his ass out of my house??

or

do I not say anything at all and not speak to him anymore???

December 17, 2006
8:58 am
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I am glad that I this has happened because I am ready to let him go for good now...

He is laying next to me sleeping and all I keep thinking is what in the hell do I say to him..

I was thinking about writing him a letter and giving it to him for him to read after he leaves my house.. but I am not even sure what to write...

December 17, 2006
2:12 pm
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Need~ Why do you think you owe him an explanation? Besides, if you give him one will the push me/pull you game start again? Is that what you want? Have you decided what you want?

This guy is good at manipulating you with words and deeds. He'll be all lovey dovey for a few days then he turns around and attacks you without any reason. You have control. You don't have to let him do that, but you have decide what it is you want. What does he give and offer you?

Yes, FIB and I do work on projects. I'm slowly disengaing from them so I don't have to deal with him. We work well together, but I no longer want to do it. We were on the verge of starting a company together, but now I'm not interested. I'd rather do it by myself.

Need, I know this is hard. Letting go and then facing that aloneness was a huge obstacle for me. But I realized I felt alone while I'm in a relationship. I can't do that anymore. You have to decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life, and if it isn't what do you have to lose by not seeing him any more?

I hope I'm not sounding harsh, but you have some serious decisions to make about what you want and don't want from a relationship, not just PS.

I love you and I don't want you to settle for something that isn't healthy for you.

Love,
Cyn

December 17, 2006
2:20 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyndra--

You are not asking anything that is harsh..

I know that I really do have to make some very serious decisions in regards to PS..

I knew that he was hiding his cell phone from me for a reason..

I knew that he also was sending text messages to other people because he removed his signature which is a nickname..

THen was when we had no contact..

I had sent him a text message back asking him if he removed his signature from his text messages because he was texting other people and he sent another message to me saying that NO, and already he had to defend himself...

I knew the outcome; I just did not know when I would have enough courage to face it.. I had the urge to look the last time that he stayed over but I figured that it did not matter to me..

I really appreciate you taking the time to post.. and I do know how much you do care about me..

thanks

December 17, 2006
3:54 pm
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Cyndra--

Last night I had an offer from a woman who said that she would take me home and stay the night with me..

So I had a choice between her and PS..

I know that I broke her heart.. and she also told me that it was now or never...

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