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**clownface.... need your help!!****
December 6, 2006
2:23 pm
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needtoheal
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Clown AKA HOT LIPS...

Hope you are feeling better...

December 6, 2006
7:45 pm
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Need~ Enjoy your holiday party without PS. I think you will have a wonderful time.

Hot Lips~ I knwo you have a date with LM tonight. I hope you have a wonderful time.

December 6, 2006
8:10 pm
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needtoheal
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Thanks Cyndra... I am looking forward to the party this Sunday without PS...

Went shoppping today after getting the boys at school.. bought a new coat and new Bras :

Boys call them

Battle
Ready
Armor!!

Here is a funny story... About two years ago I went upstairs to find out that the boys had put on my bras over their shirts as a battle shield..

Clown-- awaiting to hear how your date went.. Hope you had a great time....

The paxil is working better by taking it in the afternoon...

December 6, 2006
11:29 pm
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HOT LIPS reporting in!

Okay girls! Here we go........

Started my day with KH calling @ 7:00. He was very cool and distant asking me to put his glasses on my front porch and he would pick them up on his way to work. As usual, I panicked, called him, asking what happened to, "Hello, how are you?" He said that he heard my message on Sunday ( I was fairly clear on my thoughts--) I CAVED and told him that the issues were more with my family...Got off the phone with him fairly quickly.

Then the 'fun' started. He called me @ noon and asked me to lunch. I told him I had plans. Then he called me 2 more times after that asking me to call him. I did not return the calls. I'm sure he wanted to go to dinner--on my dime.

Talked with my counselor and she said that I did not need to give him any more info, did not need to take his calls, owed him NOTHING, If I am done, then be done.

I AM DONE.

Now on to the good part!

Went to the Italian place with LM. Had a great time and a delicious meal. Conversation was good. We touched on many topics and he even asked if I would consider going to NY sometime in Jan. or Feb. He has good taste and likes to go to similar places that I like too. So we'll see about that. We actually held hands tonight! Girls, I know it's far too premature, but I think this guy REALLY may be a keeper.

I am going to buy him a Christmas tie, he kept insisting that I accept $$$ to pay for it. I told him that it will be his "Ho Ho Ho" present from me. He seemed to deeply appreciate this. I doubt anybody has bougt him anything for a very long time.

Need: I am glad you are looking forward to your Christmas party. Sounds like things are going well with PS I suspect you may be having some company this weekend.

Cyn: So how is the love affair with yourself going? I wanna do this too. Are you still having sporadic contact with FIB? Is that okay for you? How do you keep from falling back into the trap, like your ole friend here?

Okay, going to bed. Still not feeling up to par. Gotta get to feeling better soon as my daughter is getting married next weekend. I've got so much to do in addition to dumping KH and heating up with LM!!! LOL

Thanks for all your support.

Love to you both and have a very good Thursday. Clown~

December 6, 2006
11:59 pm
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needtoheal
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Hi CLownface--

PS just called after bowling so I thought that I would turn on the computer after getting off the phone to check to see if you posted..

Your therapist is right about NOT having to explain yourself at all to KH.. I know that it is very difficult to do but it has to be done... Your actions will then match your words...

I am so excited for you about LM... So glad to hear that you both had a great conversation over dinner tonight...and got to hold hands.

I hope that you have a great Thursday too... CLown..

love ya

NEED

December 7, 2006
6:05 am
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Good Morning Ladies~

Have I mentioned how much I appreciate the two of you? You start my day off on a positive note.

The love affair with myself is going fairly well. I neglected the downstairs powder room so tonight the love affair is going to be with housecleaning. UGH! One day I'm going to have enough money to pay someone else to clean my house. I HATE housework!!! I know, I know, an awful thing to admit, but I do.

Since I've lost weight (more inches than pounds) I've had to buy clothes. I'm not really into it because I'm still not thrilled with how my body looks. I've got another 50 lbs to go, and I know it will be gone before May. I should have all the wonderful clothes some time next week. I bought lots of skirts. I haven't done that in years. I've been wearing the same three pairs of pants for about three years. I just didn't want to buy new clothes. Clearly.

Need~ I too need to buy some new Battle Ready Armor! LMAO Your boys are so funny!! I love there creativity. That's my end of year thing to do.

Clown~ Sounds like you and LM are definitely heating up. Great for you. You deserve a guy who treats you well. Especially after dealing with KH.

So, you caved when he did the push you HARDER thing? Don't beat yourself up about it. It happened, let it go. You know you are through with him, but sometimes habits die hard. You realized it was panick, now figure out what it's panic about. His leaving? You not having the option to be neglected and used? What is it?

You asked about my level of contact with FIB. At the moment it's occasional text messages and e-mails. I really don't have much to say to him. My obligations to him will be done this month. I'm washing my hands of him.

It's funny you asked this question today. I was thinking about him and all the negative energy he'd brought to my life the last year together. I kept thinking about how the first year was so nice and loving then he turned into a shit. He may have been a shit all along, but once he had me he didn't have to bother with any of the charades. He had me hooked.

My goal each day is to not waste precious mental energy analyzing a situation that can never be fixed. It is a goal I am still trying to reach. I don't reach out to him because it invites pain back into my life with the things he says or the way my mind will interpret something he's said. I can't do that anymore.

Have a great day ladies. I will talk with you later on today. Of course I'll miss Clown, but I'll catch up on her life. This dating vicariously through internet friends is quite interesting! 🙂

Love you both.

December 7, 2006
5:45 pm
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needtoheal
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Hello girls!!

I appreciate having you both as my dear friends and my sisters....

Congratulations Cyndra on your weight loss.. It is a great feeling when we shed some inches and pounds.. especially now during the holiday season.. I seem to have a hard time when there is Halloween candy in the house because the boys do not really eat candy..

I am glad to hear that your obligations to FIB will end this month and you are going to wash your hands of him...

Clown-- how are you feeling? Is everything all set for your daughter's wedding on the 16th? Before we blink that day will be here.. That is the day of their father's birthday.. It is also the same day that he was served with the divorce papers.. and it is also the same day that PS was here helping me put up a Christmas tree (slugshit had come to pick up the boys that year and he was mortified that someone was here helping me in HIS HOUSE ON HIS BIRTHDAY...several years ago)....

PS is planning on taking me to the movies tomorrow night.. I have the feeling that he will be here all weekend.. He asked me what time am I working this weekend.. I told him that I was off on Sunday from work.. I said that we could do some Christmas shopping if he wants.. I did not tell him that I am going to the Christmas party that night...

Glad that you girls get a kick out of the boys.. They are so funny aren't they?? When I was in the mall last night I was also buying some makeup.. The women who work behind the counter commented on how well behaved they both are and how well mannered.. They told me that they are a reflection of me... It is has not been easy raising them by myself but I do pat myself on the back that they are so good.. I cannot complain about them...

Hope all is well...

love to you both

NEED

December 7, 2006
7:41 pm
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needtoheal
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Tooth Fairy Comes Tonight ...

She is going to go broke...

December 7, 2006
8:26 pm
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cyndra820
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Wish I could give her a cash infusion. I know those teeth can be costly!!

December 7, 2006
9:13 pm
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needtoheal
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here is something funny:

Jake lost his tooth today at school

He put it in a case and in his

backpack.. Well, he lost it...

So he wrote the tooth fairy a note:

Tooth fairy:

I lost my tooth today.

I lost it.

Sorry I misplaced it.

sign here _____________X

Now I have to sign the paper that is tucked under his pillow tonight...

They are anxiously awaiting to see the tooth fairy's signature!!

December 7, 2006
9:32 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyn--

Rockstar called me twice tonight but I missed his calls.. He left a voice message that he was thinking about me and that he has a new Christmas song out and I could listen to it on the computer... Funny thing is that I looked up the band's website last night and listened to the song last night....

December 7, 2006
9:50 pm
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Who is Rockstar?

December 7, 2006
9:54 pm
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needtoheal
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Hey Clown-- how are ya?

Oh Rockstar is my neighbor's former husband.. We were very good friends. He was there for me while I was separated and divorced and I was there for him when he went through it..

December 7, 2006
10:10 pm
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Ladies~

I am so discouraged. KH called and called me today. Finally, I answered his call. He found out today that he tore his ligament and muscle in his upper left arm. I was with him Sunday when he did this attempting to pull his tractor out of a ditch.

He has asked me to take care of him during his upcoming surgery and recoup. I am sick about this. I am so sorry that he is injured and he has NO ONE else to care for him. HE HAS NO FRIENDS AND HIS ONLY SON DOESN'T COME AROUND. Now what am I going to do? He needs me and yet I am trying to break completely off from him. He asked me to take him to a movie tomorrow night, I said yes, but in my heart I do not want to do this. LM called and HE wants to go to dinner and the movies. I told him I had 'plans.'

What do I do? I am not confused. I know what I want to do but I feel bad for KH b/c he has no one. I just don't want to be his 'one'--not even as a friend. He has no clue that I am seeing someone else, nor do I feel a compelling urge to tell him.

LM is falling hard and is wanting to do more and more with me (at least it seems that way) I want to be with him even though I still don't have 'those loving feelings." I am hoping those will come as the relationship grows and develops.

Sorry to make this all about me, but I am really upset about today's developments. I am such a giver, what do I do here? I am trying not to hurt KH but then should I really care?? I'm in a tough spot girls. HELP..........

Clown 🙁

December 8, 2006
7:42 am
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Clown~ Step back, take a deep breath, and look at it objectively.

KH: 1) he needs to have surgery on his dominant arm; 2) he has no one to take care of him; 3) he wants you to take care of him.

You: 1) don't want to take care of him; 2) feel bad because he has no one; 3) feel obligated to be there because he was there for you (that's just a guess).

Reality: 1) he's not your responsibility; 2) just because he was there for you doesn't automatically mean you have to reciprocate; 3) his doctor can arrange someone to come help him while he's recuperating from surgery.

You want to persue things with LM, by all means, do so. You tell KH that unfortunately you cannot take care of him after his surgery and he will have to make other arrangements. End of story, no explanations needed. He asked, you said no. Kaput, remember?

You don't want this man as a friend because of how he treated you and continues to manipulate you. Remember that. Get angry. You deserve better from a partner as well as your friends. Don't let weird circumstances cloud your decision to be rid of this negativity in your life. You deserve so much more.

I see you growing and embracing the opportunity that LM gives you to know what love and affection in a HEALTHY relationship can be like. Don't let it go.

KH can hire a nurse or find another nursemaid. It shouldn't be you.

Oh, and you can make it all about you whenever you need it to be. Sometimes we need our friends to tell us it's okay. No matter what KH says, you aren't being a selfish bitch. You are having a love affair with yourself, and maybe, just maybe, LM too.

Love,

Cyndra

December 8, 2006
8:49 am
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Sorry!! I didn't say good morning to all of you!!

Hope everyone slept well. Talk to you later.

December 8, 2006
2:53 pm
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Good morning... Good afternoon girls..

I agree with Cyndra said about Klunkhead.. I know that it may be difficult for you Clown but you do not owe him ANYTHING...

Rockstar called me back last night and we talked for a little while..

Guess who came to see me at work today? Yup, pondscum himself.. He stopped in to get some lunch and say hello.. He is planning on taking me to the movies tonight..

Hope all is well with you both.. I hope that you are feeling better Clown..

Love ya
NEED

December 9, 2006
12:00 am
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Alright girls.. Need to spill....

After I got off the phone last night, Rockstar sent me two text messages:
Hard to believe
the hero always
gets the girl cause
this one got away

If I come to your rescue
will you take my hand or
will you fly away
to a place that I
can't find?

This is from some songs that he wrote about his crutch.. the rebound girl that he had after he separated from his wife..

(or at least that is what I think it is about)

I was thinking about pondscum and what he represents to me.. It was interesting to be around him tonight..

He is here now sleeping in my bed.

I met him at his parent's house...
after he came back from work..
He took a shower and got ready
THe movie that we were going to see
started at 8:20

It was already after 7pm when he got ready
so we went to get something to eat

He treated me to McDonalds
we hardly talked at all

I was very quiet

After we were done we went to the movies

As we were going there, his cell phone rang and he looked at it
HE said that he could not answer it
He wanted me to see that it was from his friend that he bowls with (a guy)

He said that he forgot that the two guys that he bowls with wanted to go out tonight.
I said that he could go
He said that he cannot go out with them only unless it is a Saturday night because he does not have to work the next day
He said that he would not go out with them tonight because they would be drinking and want him to drink and he does not drink on Friday nights because he has to work....

The movie absolutely sucked. The worst movie I have seen in a long time...

Then after the movie we went back to his house to get my car.
THen we met at my house.
I took Mandy out
then we looked at the computer for a while (looked up playstation games)

THen it was time for bed..
He hopped in bed first
while I was brushing my teeth and washing my face..

THen I hopped in bed and said goodnight
HE said that he loves me
HE gave me a kiss and that was IT....

Mandy was howling.. I guess she is definitely not used to me having someone else here..
SO I got up to take her out again
and then I got the computer so I could write what happened down

I am not at all disappointed.
I have found this night to be very interesting....

HE IS AN ILLUSION...

IT IS NEVER GOING TO CHANGE...

Well, that's all for now

love you both

NEED

Oh so I cannot say that we are OFFICIALLY back together that is for sure..

December 9, 2006
12:09 am
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Dear Cyn & Need~

Thanks for the clarity. I DID step back and I did take a deep breath and I did refocus.

Tonight I followed through and took KH to the movie, 'Holiday' with Camron Diaz and Kate Winslett. Great movie. (Yes, I paid as usual)

It gave me the perfect scenario to explain how I was feeling to KH. On the drive home, I told him that I felt like we were "a square peg, round hole." He said that if that is the way I feel then we have nothing to discuss. He made it extremely easy for me to state my cause, no real explanations, it is over. Kaput. LONG RIDE HOME!!

I feel like I am FREE!! It is such a good feeling. I am sorry about his surgery, but I just can't do it. I won't do it. Cyn, you're right, LM is interested and I am interested back. Tomorrow morning he is coming here to put up my Christmas tree. Then we have the party that night.

KH has already called me twice since I came home, left long messages. Told me that he had a 'reading' last week and the lady told him that we are to be together forever. He also told me that he loves me and he felt that we were going to move to Utah!! Is that not the nuttiest thing you've ever heard??

I am afraid that he is going to show up @ my house, unannounced and wanting to 'work things out.' He does not know that I am seeing (how could he think that--I am not capable of meeting anybody else) anybody.

Thanks for all your support, I really appreciate it. I feel like I have grown so close to folks that I will probably never meet, but hold a special place in my heart.

Cyn~ Congrats on the weight loss! You go girl, keep it up and soon you'll be buying new clothes, yet again!! Always fun to go down a size.

Need~ how are things with PS? I hope if he is with you tonight, that you can have a good time and this adventure with him, proves to be a good thing.

Love to you both~

A Clown that has been set free 🙂
AKA~~~HOTLIPS-- LOL

December 9, 2006
4:46 am
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needtoheal
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Clown~

I am so glad that you feel that you are now set free...

Going out with PS tonight was interesting and a real eye-opener for me tonight as well...

love to you both

NEED

December 9, 2006
6:17 am
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Clown~ Congratulations on being free from KH!! That must feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off your shoulder.

If he comes to your house and LM is there tell him he chose a bad time because you are entertaining, and he should ALWAYS call before coming by your house.

His reading sounds like utter bullshit. It sounds like someone who's about to try to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Not going to work, pal. She's done. Finito, if that's even a word.

Have fun today with LM, the tree, the party, and the get-together at his house. You are already having a blast.

As for the spark, hey it may be a slow and steady building type of thing. That seems more real to me then the instant spark of physical attraction that sometimes drives us to distraction. Remember, slow and steady wins the race.

I recently read something that I'm going to have t apply to my life: Life is a journey not a sprint. That is so true.

Need~ I can see that the scales have fallen off your eyes and you are now seeing PS for what he is. But you aren't ready to completely let go, are you? You wrote Oh so I cannot say that we are OFFICIALLY back together that is for sure.. Which tells me you aren't sure what you want to do yet. Take your time and analyze why you don't want to let it go. It may be because he was there for you after the divorce. It may be other things you haven't told us. Just continue to analyze it.

Yesterday was a busy day. I took a three hour lunch because my friend at work is leaving because her business has so many clients she doesn't need to work for us anymore. I'm so happy for her!!

This woman has been my sounding board for over a year. We are so similar. Our birthdays are five days apart. We get along really well. I will miss not seeing her every day, but I will be seeing her for dinner and the usual hanging out kinds of things.

I had a thought yesterday about some of the things FIB said to me. He would ask about my weight, what I ate, had I exercised? All sorts of things. He even asked me about how much money I spent. I was wondering if his asking me about my weight and telling me about sex with other women as well as describing their physicality to me was manipulation or abuse? I called my therapist. We missed each other yesterday so I'll call her again tonight.

That's all on my front. Hope everyone has a wonderful day and I will talk to you later.

December 9, 2006
7:29 am
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needtoheal
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Cyndra~~

What I meant is that we are not back together because we are not physical. He gave me a kiss goodnight not that I was expecting more but I cannot say that he is my boyfriend..
Yes I am seeing PS for who he really is.. I was already at his house when he pulled into the driveway and stayed in the car. His mother was nosy so she went and looked and said that he was on his phone. He is still hiding his cell phone from me.. left it in the car last night.. Last time we were together he left his phone home.. Whatever..
I am not sure why I cannot completely cut my ties to him. Maybe it is the reason that he was there for me while I was separated and going through the divorce from SS.. He was there to listen..
I think that I am ready to move on soon because I do realize that I deserve more than what I am receiving..THat is why I gave back the engagement ring that he gave to me this past Valentine's Day.. He was verbally nasty to me and all of a sudden I thought that I could not accept this man as my husband for the rest of my life. It was not fair to me or to my boys.. And yet I still have not cut the ties completely...

Clown-- Klunkhead is Ka-put... You are done with him and we are both so happy for you.. Cyndra gave some good advice.. if He comes to your house do not let him inside and tell him that it is not a good time. YOu have company and he should ALWAYS call before coming over...
Have a great time with Lawyerman..with the tree and the get together at his house...
You deserve to be happy..
Relationships are about giving and receiving.. Lawyerman is capable of doing that.. whereas Klunkhead is not..

Cyndra-- I understand that you are happy for your friend that is leaving work but I also know that it is upsetting to not have someone who has been a sounding board.. I am glad to hear that you are still going to continue to get together with her.
As far as FIB, what you have described I would take it as abuse.. I cannot believe that he told you about having sex with other women and their physicality. That reminded me of what PS said to me one time. We had already been together as a couple and he told me that before we were officially "going out" he was working with this girl that was beautiful.. a perfect ten. He said that he gave her a ride home one night (on a night that I was out with studman), and she gave him oral sex. He said that it was his "last opportunity to be with someone who was a perfect ten".. Boy, that was a slap in my face.. Who knows if it is even true because he does have the tendency to lie and wants to get a reaction from me.. It is a way of putting the other person down.. THat is what FIB was trying to do.. That is not an equal relationship.. THat is what I am discovering about me & PS. That is what CLown has discovered about KH too..
And from what I have read, when there is upmanship in a relationship, it always leads to someone feeling better and the other feeling worse about themselves. It is like stripping someone of their self esteem... WHen we are involved in a relationship our partners should be increasing our self esteem and not making us feel doubts about how we look or that we are the reason that the relationship is not healthy..
HEALTHY-- that is the key word here.

I am glad in a lot of ways that I have spent this time with PS. I cannot say that he has been verbally abusive to me or has been the drama king at all.. But I am not ready to settle for him to be considered my boyfriend. So if someone were to ask me who he is, I would not introduce him as my boyfriend..

I appreciate having you both in my life.

I love you both...

December 9, 2006
8:58 am
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needtoheal
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He wants to do some Christmas shopping with me tomorrow after the football game and before he goes to bowling.. I did not tell him that I can't because I am going to the Christmas party for work... I guess I will tell him tomorrow..

I will tell you both that the paxil sure has calmed me down..!!!

I will check back later..

Have a good day

December 9, 2006
1:04 pm
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Need~ Just tell PS that you have other plans. If he asks you why didn't you tell him before, say they just firmed up today. Tell him to have a great time bowling.

We don't owe them explanations. I know it's hard. BELIEVE me!!! I've had to literally stop myself from responding to some of the questions I've gotten from FIB about my therapy. It is none of their business. Bottom line.

I love you both too, very much. Boy am I glad that I know you two!!

December 9, 2006
3:39 pm
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needtoheal
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Guess what... I had asked him if he wants to do anything tonight after I bowl.... He said that we will figure it out later...

So when I he called me before he said that he knows what he wants us to do tonight after I bowl... He wants an lovemaking session with me..

See both times that he slept over with me NOTHING happened... I did not initiate ...

He is going home after work and taking a nap and then come to see me bowl..

Cyndra-- YOu are right about not having to give him any explanations.

I will mention it to him tomorrow that I have plans.. I am not worried about it..

The only thing that I am worried about is finding something to wear to the Christmas party.. And my girlfriend is not going because she fell the other day at work.. But there will be plenty of people for me to hang around with at the party...

Hope all is well with you both...

love ya

NEED

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