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June 26, 2003
12:30 pm
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Good day to all

It has been a while that I have posted about my wife, it is getting close to the end of the marriage, yesterday I started to work for a friend who needed some help, and he and I talked about what has been happening the last few months, he told me that he had heard about Erin and me, and that it knocked him off his feet.

Erin and I had worked for him together right before all this started and he said that when he saw us together he could see that I had a good friend, and a good wife and it had made him sad to hear that we where now getting a divorce.

I told him how I felt about the whole thing and thats when I started to feel real down,you know you go through life and you think that you are doing good and when you do meet someone that you know you could spend the rest of your life with you try and hold on to that for all you are worth.

He asked me if I could give anything in the world to change what has happen in the last few months what would I give, I told him I would give my soul, but I know that would never happen and the end of the marriage is coming to a close.

I have felt that I do need to go on and not live in the past I need to remmber the good times, and not try to think about what happen or why the marriage ended the way it did, he also told me that I should not try to reconcile with Erin, that being with her would only hurt even more if it did not work out, and I do agree with him, to think that if one day she calls and tells me that she made a bad decision, I would not beable to let her back into my life now not in that way, because I know that she would not be the person that I met all those years ago, and the thought that all I would want to do was to hurt her like she hurt me, I'm past that now.

It's just sad now to think, that 14 years with some one is gone, just like the lost of a loved one who is sick and dies,it just took three mouths to bury the body.

Elliott

June 26, 2003
12:49 pm
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Elliott....it's quite the grieving process, isn't it? I went through that, too and anguished for a long time. Alot of thoughts run through your head but you sound really grounded and realize that there will be this aftermath of emotion and that it will rear it's head now and then down the road, too. You do need to save the good things, hold them tightly and that doesn't have to mean anything else. People do change and you change. Things become intolerable and decisions have to be made.

It's still hard for me to see my daughter's father, who was my real first love. Even though I know that - I had to do, what I had to do and the reasons were valid...it still hurts sometimes. We wish for sometimes - what cannot be and no matter how we try and squelch the sound or adjust the picture - it just won't become what we want or need.

You keep the good stuff, put the rose on the shelf to be admired for what it was and is and that's all. I feel for you during this process.... You'll have your ups and downs but as long as you overall stay focused and realize that things have to run the gammit here - one day - another rose will bloom in your heart as well. Maybe it won't even be a rose! Maybe it will be a Wildflower or a Poppy or a Petunia!

June 26, 2003
6:04 pm
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I like that you are trying to focus on bringing the positive aspects of your marriage into your future, and leaving the negative aspects behind to dwindle in the past. I mean, what value is there in holding on to the negative? It will just make you scared to ever try again, and someone else might come along who deserves a chance...

I don't know what divorce is like. I know what it's like to have a broken heart, but I never married. I just figured it was easier to have a couple of kids (different dad's, though) and skip the whole divorce thing, so when it was over, they left and I kept my babies and that was it, more or less.

To invest so much time and attention in one person, it must be extremely difficult to move on. I can't begin to imagine because I've never been there, really. I have only watched my sister try to do it, and it has been hard for her. I'm glad I haven't ever had to go through it. I don't think I have that kind of strength.

It's true that a chapter of your life is drawing to a close. It's also true that another chapter of your life is beginning. You get a "mulligan" (I hope that's the right term, I'm not a golfer...), if you want it. So go for it! You've earned it...

Love,

Arwen

June 26, 2003
6:27 pm
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Elliott

It's gonna be okay. I know that's hard to believe right now, and that this is just too hard, and that you can't go through it, but it's gonna be okay. Your batchelor buttons are in full bloom in my yard- bright neon blue. For you

free

June 26, 2003
6:50 pm
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I have been on Erin's side of where you are now...I made the decision to leave the marriage and take up with someone new. Left a good husband, my house, my dog, and here I am 7 years later knowing it was the worst mistake I evr made in my life. If I could turn back the clock and undo what I have done I would do it in a heartbeat. I wonder if Erin might someday feel like this too.
It is interesting, but painful for me to read your posts because I imagine the things you are feeling are pretty close to what my ex went through. And I am so so sorry.
I am not sure I agree with your friend about not taking her back someday because it would hurt too much if it didn't work out. Maybe it would work out now that you have both learned some things. Maybe it would be even better than before. I don't know. I know in my situation if I could ever reunite with my ex I would never ever hurt him again.

June 27, 2003
4:55 am
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justjane:

Why do you say that it was the worst thing you did?

If you would like to read how this all started, read "Too good to leave" it was my first post you may have to go back two or three months, and then you can see how much pian that your husband felt when you did take that step.

Please don't think that I'm being mean, because it does hurt real bad, I lost my soul and my heart, but I have gotten some of my heart back, but the pass few days have been a real hard time of it.

I wish you could change time, because I would begg you to change mind too, I would plead to you to tell her that she should change her mind and that maybe I was A changed person, but that will never happen and now I have to go on in life hoping to find someone that well love me again.

If only we could changes the past?????

Elliott

June 27, 2003
5:01 am
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Free:

Thank you for growing some thing for me and giving life to something that is good to look at, it is very calming to know that some where a plant was planted in my name.

I'm tired of all the pain right now, but it well pass I know but not soon.

Your friend John

June 30, 2003
12:21 pm
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elliott,
i haven't had a chance to go back and read your beginning thread because i have been busy moving from an apt. to a house this past week. but in the next day or two i will go back and read it, then i will explain why i feel leaving my exhusband was the worst mistake i ever made. In the mean time i am thinking of you, and i am truly sorry for your pain.
jane

July 6, 2003
6:52 am
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ok, elliott,
i went back and read your beginning 'too good to leave' thread, and my question to you is this. If Erin and your marriage is so important to you, why didn't you do something when you knew she was so unhappy? Now, you can't say you didn't know she was unhappy if she had asked you to work on the marriage and you said you would, but you also said you never followed through. Why not? Seems like if it was that important for you to keep your marriage you would have done something. Perhaps Erin got tired of being the only one working at it. Maybe she got tired of feeling like she was the only one who cared, and if you didn't care enough to try to get things right, why should she? and believe me, there is always some bozo waiting in the wings to tell a woman just what she wants to hear, even if it turns out to be a load of crap later. but that's another story. but here you are crying and moaning about she left me she left me, but what did you to contribute to make her want to stay? I'm not trying to be mean here, but i've been in a place similar to erin's, and i know how it feels. you feel so alone and like the one person in the world who is always supposed to be there for you and care for you just doesn't give a damn. and then you go out in the world to your job or whatever, and here is joe schmoe saying all the right things and evntually you feel like, well, why the hell not? what am i hanging around here for when i am the only one who gives a damn anyway and why should i anymore.
i really am not trying to hurt you elliott, or john, but just trying to maybe help you see a little of what erin might have been feeling. i've been there and it hurts. and yes i know that you are hurt too. i know you would like a chance to go back and make things right. hindsight is always 20/20 isn't it?

July 7, 2003
1:37 am
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Erin, I nearly came to the same situation as you, thankfully I decided to take a long hard look at myself. That was when I was thrown in the back of the 'Paddy Wagon' (for those not in Australia that is a police wagon) when I threatened to do self harm, I was cold, off my head, and deep in self pity, I had left my wife a week before and made the mistake of going back off my head.
My wife was enough in love with me to call the police to come and take me to the wacky house, it was the best thing she could have ever done.

It's really hard to have to sit down and have a good talk with yourself and outline all your bad points and accept them as being part of you.

It is even harder to sit with the person you love and ask them if there are more (bad points) and accept what they say as well and even harder committing to yourself to make these changes.

The thing is I really felt good once I seen change in myself, Erin life can be grand if you work hard at it.
I say this in regard to myself as I don't know any of your background.

What is good for me isn't necessarily good for you.

Keep well

Phill

July 12, 2003
5:14 am
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Hi John

This too shall pass. Been out of the country, hope you are doing okay. I'm glad you are able to come here and unload. It's important to get things out and say what's on your mind. Hope you keep that up. Justjane, I thought your last post was a bit rough. However, sometimes it takes a little roughness to pull somebody out, a friend of mine did that for me. John, let somebody do that for you. Move forward as hard as it may be. I think the best thing I did was to stop myself from thinking about what went wrong and where and why and when- everytime I caught myself doing that. It's a bad habit- once I had stepped out and built a life that completely excluded my ex, I was able to take a good look at it all, and still am. But when I was in deep pain trying to figure it out, the hurt just got deeper- spiraled down. It sucked big time. Don't get me wrong, I like my pity parties and boy have I had them here. Just got back from Venezuela, a beautiful vacation, and a real eye-opener. The exchange rate is 1600 Bolivares to One US dollar, and is being held at this rate by their president- there's a black market for US dollars and people wanted to trade with us for as high as 2400 to one. these people are nearly starving. We spoke with many locals- they are holding a recall in August to get Chavez out, who won't leave and is big time buddies with Castro, who comes over at least once a month. They are preparing for a civil war. These people, who live in an undescribably beautiful country rich in natural resources, are almost starving. I'm not kidding. We saw it. Spoke with them. Bought from them and gave them money - a tip of 20 cents is huge for them! How desperate they are for a life such as ours. Many of the wealthy have left. It costs 70 US dollars to leave the country. Plus the flight cost. The locals are happy to make about 10 dollars a day. I could go on and on, my point is, I feel so lucky today to be home, safe, with food, electricity, fat pets, clean clothes, and a nice bed. A computer. I long so deeply for freedom from my ex so that I can pursue true happiness, deep love, freedom. These people long so deeply for just one faction of what I have, and were quick to let me know this fact. Doesn't mean my fear, sadness, anger, isn't worthy of discussion and working on. I'm rambling. I learned something on this vacation. Just not really sure what. Do you know?

free

July 12, 2003
11:21 am
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i didn't mean for my post to be hurtful or cruel, i just sort of was hoping to get a little spark back into John. He seemed so down it was frightening. I am sure if he had it to do over again he would do things completely different, knowing now what he didn't know then. And so would I. In a heartbeat. It seems that the people we hurt most in life are the ones we love the most and that doesn't seem right or fair, but that's how it is.

July 12, 2003
11:30 am
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Free--- Justajanes words may be harsh, but damn I can relate to what she said. I didn't find Mr. Bozo, nor he me, I learned that you can't really be working on relational issues, while playing with some one else. Fool that I was trying to force, hope, manipulate, pray, deny, forget, coerce, ignore, in order for things to work, but one person can't.
I can relate to your words as well, fighting that damn spiral, with drawl is what I call it, think I am past most of it now, enjoying my rut.
Great for you that you got to go on your trip, perhaps the insight that you have is that there is more going on in the world than the emotional drama that so dominates us when we are in the middle of it. While we were stuck in loss, we forgot how much we really do have compared to others, like that saying about new shoes and the man with no feet. So where are you going next ?

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