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Close friend is having affair and tells me, I am shocked and need advise. HELP
December 26, 2008
9:04 pm
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GeeZee07458
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I visited a family that I adore last night to wrap up my wonderful Christmas Day. The mother and father have been having issues lately. The wife says the husband does not communicate or make her feel loved. Yet, the only time she wants to talk is when she has had way too much to drink. They have 3 teenage kids. Last night, she had too much to drink and wanted to leave and visit a friend that lives about 40 minutes away. She was going to drive, so I said I would drive her, since I was the only one not drinking. Her husband didn't want her to leave, but she would have called a taxi. So I tried to stop her, but we ended up in my car. She was upset with me for stopping her, so I got screamed at. She said she was never going to visit her friend (woman), but she is having an affair and has been since the day before Thanksgiving. She has been telling her husband and kids that she is working late, and making up excuses. I was shocked, and felt like I was waiting for the "just kidding." I never, ever would have guessed. I knew their marriage was not perfect, but know they both love eachother sooo much. I drove her around for 3 hours until some of the alcohol wore off. She shared it all, more than I ever wanted or needed to know. She wanted me to drop her at HIS house and I refused, as her husband and I could be father and son. I drove her home and parked behind her car, she refused to go inside. It was now almost 2:30 am, and her husband and family was asleep inside. She drove out of the driveway and went to HIS house.

What should I do??? I went inside and told her husband that I tried to drop her home, as she said she didn't want to visit her girlfriend, but she took off in her car and left. He called her and she still wouldn't come home. I called her, and she wouldn't come home. She called me at 4 am, and told me that she is sorry, but it is not my business and isn't my place to FIX her marriage.

I dont want to fix it, but I feel she is making the biggest mistake of her life. Her husband is amazing, he isn't perfect, but I KNOW he has never cheated on her, and would never. If she leaves him and moves out, she is going to uproot her children, move to an apartment and completely screw up their lives, let alone devistate her husband. He will never be the same.

My parents divorced, and I had no control over that of course. Should I tell her husband she is cheating, even though she told me never to? I am afraid of his reaction if he ever found out, it would devistate him so, so much. She is his world.

She says not to judge her or anything, but I don't know what i feel. I don't know. I know what she did is wrong, and do not feel anything could fix what she did. WHY? HOW? HELP? THis is eating away at me. I have known for less than 24 hours, and this is all I can think of. I spoke to her a little while ago, and she stayed there last night, the entire night. She said she was going home to talk to her husband, and never to tell him or their kids.

I am in my 20's and believe everyone has a "person." She was my person. We would talk about everything, and give eachother advise. I am questioning everything. Please help, advise would be more than helpful. I just need to clear my mind and know what is going to come of this. 🙁

I feel like going there last night was the biggest mistake of my life!!!

December 26, 2008
10:24 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Im so sorry sweetheart I dont have any advice just support (((GeeZee)))

December 26, 2008
10:34 pm
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GeeZee07458
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Thank You for your support. It is truely appreciated. I just wish there was an easy anwser, an easy fix to it all, but i know there isn't.

December 26, 2008
10:56 pm
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soofoo
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This is a terrible burden that was placed on you and it is weighing on your heart and conscience.

One thing is for sure, you cannot fix anything between these two, no matter what you do or don't do. Nothing you do here will save or destroy this marriage.

You will have to make a decision based on what's important to you and your values. Be true to yourself.

December 26, 2008
10:57 pm
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Moor
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Dear GeeZee,
There is a book that you must share with this husband. It will help him immensely. It is called, "Love Must Be Tough" by J. Dobson.
You should probably read it first. I would suggest that you not even tell her husband what she's told you. When you give him the book just say, this book was very helpful to someone I know when his wife kept giving him a hard time.
Believe me the book will help him whether he finds out about the affair or not.
It is his best chance. After you read the book, you'll understand why I say this.
And last but not least, say a prayer for this couple.

December 26, 2008
10:58 pm
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atalose
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Gee,

I am very sorry you were witness to this and more sorry that your “person” disappointed you so.

It’s very hard NOT to judge someone based on their actions and behavior that occur right before our eyes.

As hard as it is, take to heart her words of “its not your business” “don’t judge me” and “you can’t fix my marriage”.

If this were me I’d let the tides of disappointment and her alcohol induced behavior subside, take a break away from her and this situation.

If she attempts to drag you into her drama again simple tell her that you would rather not hear about.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

December 26, 2008
11:34 pm
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GeeZee07458
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Thank you all so much for all of your advise and support. Yes, it is a major burden, but moreso because I genuinely LOVE these people. I thought they were the "perfect" family other than the usual friction between couples. Their kids mean the world to me and it is breaking my heart at the thought of her selfish act. *Moor* I will be sure to read the book, and appreciate you mentioning that. I am sure it will be helpful to both myself as well as her husband. She was my "person" and now I feel as though 3 years of trust and honesty was betrayed. And 20 something years of her marriage were just put on the line like it was nothing?!?! I have always been there for her, and many times feel as though when I needed her, she was not there. I am trying to process this and decide whether I want to be there for her, but I don't think I want to. I want to hug her husband and take her kids and just hold them. She has disappointed me more than she knows. I think I am done sympathising for someone who is creating her own problems and acting so selfishly. I am just shocked. They are perfect for eachother, What is she doing?!?! They are highschool sweethearts. Good jobs, nice house, GREAT KIDS. They have it all. What more could she want. Her kids...Her Husband? I lost my person for now, and don't know if I can look at her the same way ever again. Plus, I don't know that I can face her husband and kids. She asked me if she will ever see me again, and I told her I don't know. What I thought? I just don't know. I cannot even comprehend how I feel.

December 27, 2008
1:46 pm
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StronginHim77
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I do not know your age, but I am guessing early twenties? Age notwithstanding, you have now experienced Real Life. What can appear "perfect" on the surface can be a projection, rather than reality.

This couple "appeared" to be just fine: great kids, nice house, the picture of stability and "family-ness." I am sure that this appealed to your heart. Very understandably so.

Now you have discovered that the lack of communication/closeness between her and her husband has driven her to make what could be a very foolish choice: having an affair. However, do not brush under the rug (or condemn her for) the root cause of the destructive path she has chosen: the lack of communication and closeness with her husband. It is my hope that they will seek counseling as a couple to address this serious issue which destroys so many relationships.

I recently read a book which cited the top five needs of a man in a relationship: The top five included sexual attractiveness, sharing recreational interests and sex. The woman's top five? Communication was at the top of the list. Also making top five were financial security and humor. In short, the man's list and the woman's list were COMPLETELY different and had NO needs in common. Right off the bat, there is going to be a problem, unless the husband and wife WORK to meet one another's needs.

I believe the title of the book was HIS NEEDS; HER NEEDS. You might check that out and loan it to both of them. It might help.

My best to you,

- Ma Strong

December 27, 2008
1:46 pm
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StronginHim77
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I do not know your age, but I am guessing early twenties? Age notwithstanding, you have now experienced Real Life. What can appear "perfect" on the surface can be a projection, rather than reality.

This couple "appeared" to be just fine: great kids, nice house, the picture of stability and "family-ness." I am sure that this appealed to your heart. Very understandably so.

Now you have discovered that the lack of communication/closeness between her and her husband has driven her to make what could be a very foolish choice: having an affair. However, do not brush under the rug (or condemn her for) the root cause of the destructive path she has chosen: the lack of communication and closeness with her husband. It is my hope that they will seek counseling as a couple to address this serious issue which destroys so many relationships.

I recently read a book which cited the top five needs of a man in a relationship: The top five included sexual attractiveness, sharing recreational interests and sex. The woman's top five? Communication was at the top of the list. Also making top five were financial security and humor. In short, the man's list and the woman's list were COMPLETELY different and had NO needs in common. Right off the bat, there is going to be a problem, unless the husband and wife WORK to meet one another's needs.

I believe the title of the book was HIS NEEDS; HER NEEDS. You might check that out and loan it to both of them. It might help.

My best to you,

- Ma Strong

December 27, 2008
10:51 pm
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GeeZee07458
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Thank You Ma Strong, I am 21, but feel I have a good grasp and understanding of "life," as I have experienced quite a bit in my short time on earth. This, is one more thing I wish I never learned. I have overcome many obstacles in my life to get where I am today, and am hurt by someone I have built a very close and loving relationship with. I loved this woman, her husband and wonderful children. I trusted her with my every word, and went to her whenever i had something that was bothering me. On the other hand, she was generally there for me, and made me feel special and welcomed. Her husband was like the father i never had, and their kids, like siblings I never knew I wanted...but now adore. My parents divorced when I was 13, and it hurt me seeing them give up something I felt they could fix, without much of a fight. It comepletely changed our lives, financially, and in every other aspect possible. I got a job, went to school, and spent my life thus far working and going to school. I dedicated my life to my work (as a distraction) and got a very prestegious position working my way to an execuitive position. I manage a multi million dollar company, and go to school. I support my mother and brother too. I feel I have been through alot in my life and have a good understanding of relationships and love. I saw love in these people. She says she only wants her husband, yet she cheats? I know he wants her and only her. Her husband tries, and tries hard, yet every time HE wants to talk, she shuts him out. When she wants to talk she has been drinking and it is not worth it, yet she blames him for not wanting to talk.

I feel she is risking the futures of her children, family, and her marriage for an affair. For her to find something she is looking for? Why waste what you have, instead of fixing it, or at least trying. She says she does not love the other man and doesnt plan on spending the rest of her life with him, yet is cheating with him. WHY?

She always said to me that she does not have a mean bone in her body, and I never had to second guess that until now. This is mean, evil in fact.

Her husband is a good provider. He has a good job, is a good father, and genuinely loves his family. I opened up to them because I saw the love in their relationship and family. The love that I never experienced between my parents. If she wants to leave her husband, why not just leave. Why continue living this double life. All she does is cry, and walk around upset lately. I get it. She is upset because she feels regret, remorse and doesn't know what to do. When I took her home I asked her to go inside to her husband, and she chose not to. She drove away in her car after drinking too much. There was no stopping her. She is being truely selfish, driving away from her family drunk, what an example to her kids.

My "person" has given up on something genuine and amazing. I don't get what she is looking for. I am jealous of what they have. When I used to go over there, I felt like a part of something special, amazing. Now, I don't know if I can ever go there again. I love their kids, like they were my siblings. And her husband is amazing. She used to be my person, but I don't know that we can ever talk like we used to. I just keep thinking of:

"you really want to know, you really want to know? I never wanted to go to my girlfriends, I'm having an affair, I am having sex with another man. So you really wanted to take me." THen...being mad that I would not take her. Saying it's none of my business, yet involving me. She made it my business, she involved me.

I thought it was a joke. It felt like a joke. And part of me wants it to be a joke but I know its not.

I belive she feels that the lack of closeness to her husband has to do with him not wanting to talk/deal with her. Yet the only time she wants to talk is after she has had too much to drink. I will definately check out the book and appreciate your support and advise. Gee.

December 28, 2008
4:33 pm
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GeeZee07458
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She called me last night and I let it go to voicemail. She said her and her husband were giong out to dinner with the gift certificate I gave them to their favorite resturaunt, and then to the theatre, their daughters gift. It hurts me to see her living this double life. I feel that she is giving up something so valuable, a loving husband and family for "recreation."

I am just wondering why she chose to tell me? And how she could spend christmas eve and christmas night out, away from her kids that she says she adores, and her husband that she says she really wants?

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