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cliques and exclude....let's see....
May 14, 2007
7:09 pm
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bevdee
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I don't often to respond to bumps to catch attention, because of the way those make me feel. First, because it's my nature to *help*, I reach for the mouse, then I stop and question myself- do I know this person, does this person's post have anything in it that I can relate to? There are some subjects that I can't relate to at this point in my journey. I'm still learnig to communicate, and many times I hesitate because of my way of doing this. I can be blunt, and I know that it is off-putting sometimes.

And I'll be honest here. As well as reading old posts- searching for particular topics? Watching the live site, but not participating has helped me gain a lot of insight into behaviour. And- I'm talking about my own as well as that of others. I have chosen to learn from watching as well as participating. Sometimes there is a lot to be learned when I just watch.

I suppose it's not unrealistic to hope for support on a support site, and I have received wise support and feedback to my threads. I don't use this site for my only source of support, though. If I relied on this site for support in times of my fear and desperation, I would be disappointed because my worst feelings are usually late at night, and a lot of the population of AAC is asleep when I have panic attacks. I have learned what helps me get through these attacks, and I use those tools. No one is responsible for that but me.

Iwill bump up the thread of someone I have *talked* to before - when I haven't seen any posts from them in a while. I know of a couple of people here that read but don't post when they are feeling low, and that's why I do that. To send a hug or some silly message.

But the question of making sure no one is alone. To me, this implies some responsibility toward the poster who is feeling excluded. Some responsibility for that poster's feelings. This is where the water gets murky for me. Do I have a responsibility to each poster? I don't believe I do. Any more than I believe everyone or anyone has a responsibility to post to any of the threads I have posted, or even the posts I have in other people's threads. To me, that's the individual's choice that I have no control over.

May 14, 2007
7:43 pm
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armyleo
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Someone said here, that they don't respond to a particular poster if they have posted a reply and didn't get an acknowledgement....

I have been guilty of that, sometimes it's unintentional sometimes, it's because I posted on a thread that I normally don't post to, and when I go back to catch up on reading, days will have passed, and the subject, is something else, so I don't feel like it's appropriate anymore.

Other times something someone said really hits home and makes me think, I tend to retreat, and think, and when I'm ready to post again, it's been days, so I just post an update, and continue...

I guess I ought to watch this in myself, and make it a habit to personally respond back. I don't want to offend or make anyone mad.

Someone once told me they weren't expecting personal return replies when they posted, and me being new to on-line groups I thought others thought the same way.

May 14, 2007
7:45 pm
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bevdee
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Army

"I guess I ought to watch this in myself, and make it a habit to personally respond back. I don't want to offend or make anyone mad."

How can you possibly know what makes anyone mad? What offends some does not offend others!

May 14, 2007
8:24 pm
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taj64
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Lorlei, I don't post a lot much anymore. But what you said is what I think. You always say what I think. You are right, we can't always fix other problems. Sometimes I go into thinking that way that I am not trying to fix it but that I want to help. I say what I am thinking. Only it doesnt always go with the grain. But that is me, and everyone is different. And you cannot worry about what others think as you know it causes waves. And you move on as it is not worth it sometimes. Opinions are greats, everyone has one, everyone chips in. And when you least expect it, it is from the person that you may not have listened or not have much to say that often is the wisest. It is the person that doesn't drag out the same old tune that says the most. It is from the person that you don't expect it from. Little says a lot. I still read, but from afar. Not as much as I would like to. I enjoy reading threads from my friends.

May 14, 2007
8:43 pm
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This thread has given me a lot of food for thought. It is definitely true that this is not a forum for professional advice. The nature of group support is that some voices are going to be louder than others. I've seen exceptions (certain 12 step meetings, etc. but even at some of those there are individuals that tend to dominate- no matter what the creed says).

Also, some people just have more time on their hands to post. I noticed this week I had a lot more time to be active on the board because I was on vacation. Some people post at work or work at home, etc. They will tend to be more present than others.

I think a major issue here is one that I seem to be having trouble with myself, and I can only speak for me. That is the point raised above, you cannot be responsible for someone else's actions or even their feelings. If someone is beyond comfort, all the bumps one can muster are not going to make a difference. If they are not there, they are not there. This is where I realize, that what I personally have done in more than one instance. Naturally, to a degree you are concerned for the person, but the other degree might come from a more selfish place that is the need to put one's mind at ease with a short cut to peace. For example: Instead of establishing emotional boundaries, which is very difficult for people like me, I might just want the assurance that all is okay. Does that make sense?

I know I've learned a lot through this site, there is a lot more to learn for me.

Still, I think when a thread starts and a person is continuing to converse about their issue, there is no reason not to continue to address it. Rarely can someone's posts be tied up in a bow concisely.

-ella

May 14, 2007
8:59 pm
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Loralei
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taj, you usually say what I think, too!!

Maybe this site is a lot like the way it was when we were in school. We all had our own group of friends that shared common interests so that's who we hung out with. There's no way we could have hung out with the entire class! And it's not like we were excluding anyone from being our friend, but you can only handle so many close ones. It's just a human reaction to form small groups and bond. I tend to want to hang with the people who think the same way I do. If certain people get upset by that, maybe it says more about the difficulty they have socializing with others. And like Bev says, you can't know how others are going to take your comments. Nor do I feel that all comments require a response. Some things should just stand on their own merit.

May 15, 2007
9:41 am
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So many thoughtful and insightful posts on this thread.

Sometimes we come seeking comfort and someone to listen because we have no sympathetic soul to hear us in our real world. Sometimes we come with a desire to give back to someone else. It's like a "pot", if you will, where we can either contribute, or dip into.

May 15, 2007
6:30 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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I only consistently post on some threads because I've become close to those people. but I've never felt excluded from jumping into someone else's thread just because I've never been on it before.

I hope I've never excluded anyone before. I try to acknowledge everyone who posts on my thread.

May 18, 2007
5:51 pm
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gracenotes
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I posted on this thread before and I have been thinking about a lot of things. I have been spending little time here because I am very busy.

The thing that totally annoys me popped up again this week. I took my time to respond to another's thread, someone posted after it, apparently someone the author of the thread knows well, and my thread was ignored. This person was not is any great distress, I think she just wanted to talk with her friend.

I'm sorry today that I even took the time out of my busy day to respond to this thread but I am also sorry the person on the thread doesn't have the social skills to acknowledge my efforts.

Best to not respond in the future of any of this person's posts.

May 18, 2007
6:46 pm
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Byrnie, I love the "Pot" that is a great way to look at this place, I love it.

May 18, 2007
6:54 pm
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loverbee-

Lately, I think I know more what you are talking about. Sometimes you just feel it more than others, but the clique thing does exist. I guess this site is sadly just a reflection of the outside world. There's no way to avoid making it so. I don't know, I guess one just wishes their therapuetic environments to be a little more idyllic, no matter how unrealistic that is.

-ella

May 18, 2007
7:17 pm
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loverbee
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yes I do understand ella, but think of this way. I don't think anyone does it on purpose, I think we are all just scared of change and tend to just wade around in our comfort zones, instead of going to the deep end. I am trying though.

May 19, 2007
12:16 am
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Maybe no one does it on purpose, I don't know the explaination for it, but the end result is sad for some. There have been times on AAC when I have received extremely comforting responses, and the fact that people responded at all tended to be a degree of comfort in some ways. There have been other times when I feel like I was on the end of my rope, and I guess that doesn't exactly guarantee responses because some of those posts have gone all but ignored. Was I being manipulative to state how gravely depressed I felt? No. Could it have been my timing (weekends are bad) that slowed the response or cut them out? Maybe. But there's not explaining why this happens. It happens to a lot of people I think and I do recall instances in the past when this was brought up by people.

There used to be a guideline (perhaps it's still there) about not posting strings of names in thread titles. So that seems to address a related issue in a way. It doesn't change things too much except not to encourage cliques and selective posting. No one wants to admit to doing that, but it does happen here. I know what gracenotes is talking about, and have had similar experiences. The sad thing is, I don't tend to focus so much on the fact that it might happen to other people too because I am not here because I feel wonderful about myself! And it's nothing I would admit when it happens because I wouldn't hijack the thread of people talking about their issues just to say "but I want to feel comfortable here too." It just seems weird. So if I am ignored I stop posting to those people. But inside, I might feel excluded and hurt, and a little frustrated.

I tend to post to people when I feel something in common with their experience, or have a running conversation about such. There are people new, and old, that you come to recognize things that you can relate to that pop up in their threads. This doesn't mean I'm going to get a response from these people when I post, and I don't expect to. It's not tit for tat here. It's a support site and I think of it as an anonymous group. So I am grateful to share with anyone here. I feel glad to have found the site. But I'd be a liar if I'd say that "getting lost" when I'm really down and this is my last resource isn't difficult for me at times.

Everyone here is here because they need help, I guess the key is just to wait it out... there are great people here with much wisdom. It does give the desperate person something to hold onto as silly as that might sound- if you have no one to talk to at home- you can wait a few days to get an exchange going on AAC rather than doing something destructive. That's why some of my posts get ridiculously long at times. Like tonight!

-ella

May 19, 2007
10:32 am
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gracenotes
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I checked back this AM wondering if anyone had any comments about my post here, but no response. Oh well. Not getting much of any response to my posts here recently. I've been on this site for about a year. Things were a lot different with me a year ago, I only really post a lot with a few people and with newcomers, maybe its time to move on. Not saying this to be manipulative, it just may be time to move on to something else, or maybe I already have. My life has changed in profound ways this past year. It helps me to write about it, but I also go to my in-person friends for feedback just as much, if not more. If there's not much back and forth connection, maybe its time to go but I think, for now, I will just check in every once in awhile. Maybe once a week, or so. Peace.

May 19, 2007
12:46 pm
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loverbee
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hello grace, yes I think that it very healthy that you have clearly made some very good friends that you can talk to them. As for you ella, I have never been the clique type so if you are in need of a friend, I have no prejudice and I am not part of any of the cliques here. Hope everyone is doing well.

May 19, 2007
1:07 pm
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courage to change
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Ooh ive only been on this site a month or so. And I have had many feelings about things.

1) Early threads - why sometimes no response.? 🙁

2) Maybe im not appearing desperate enough?

3) Then I got response - lovely feeling.:-)

4) Then I got a response i did not like - pressed buttons in me.- not too sure whether I liked what I heard
😕

5) So i thought, maybe I should respond to others for a change. That was interesting . Some people acknowledged me, and others not so.
And thats ok too.

Now, it doesnt matter anymore what people do. It would be lovely to have a real buddy, who is on my wavelength.

But you know what the truth is, i have always been on the outside of everything my whole life. I have never been part of a clique, and thats just the way it is.

So all I say is I have just tried to accept the way it is for me, and appreciate what response I have and what I can give. We all have different lifestyles, and we are free to get what we want from these threads and give what we want. Life is demanding as it is !

I just wanted to say thank you to the people that have responded in the past. You are such a caring bunch of people, and its ok if you are responsive, and also ok if you are not. Its just nice to have found you all.

We are all free to do what we choose. Lots of luv. xxxx

May 19, 2007
1:10 pm
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atalose
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I also have been on this site for about a year and have gained so much from so many people.
The problem I find is too many posts that I don't have time to read through all of them. Often I pop on while at work and if a title thread catches my eye or has any personal meaning I check it out. On weekends if I have time I try and read through them all.
My history and my experiences have a controlling ex husband, a 4 year relationship with someone who feared committment and intimacy. I grew up with a very co-dependent mother and an alcoholic father. I have experiences with people I love being involved with drug addiction and drinking problems. I have been apart of many experiences I shared with personal friends and learned outcomes of situations through those experiences.
I tend to post to those posts I can relate to or have something to offer. I tend to not respond to situations I have little to no experience with.
In the begining I also felt my posts were not being addressed but I did not give up and eventulay connected with a few people here who I do share similiar experiences with.
I also get alot from so many it's hard to keep up with who they all are. Also some people post more then others it's hard for me to keep up or remember those that don't post that often. I feel bad if anyone feels left out or ignored I really don't think that's ever the real intention here.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 19, 2007
10:59 pm
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Sometimes I get the feeling that I should read everyone's post and respond to everything that is posted. That would be hard. I know some people feel desperate and need to know there is somebody out there thatis will to listen. I love to read as many posts as I can but some of them I don't feel qualified to answer because I have no expereince with what these people are feeling.

May 20, 2007
3:12 pm
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loverbee
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I don't think that anyone is saying that every post needs to be responded to immediately and I think that everyone knows that. I think that if everyone were to get really honest, they would see that there are threads that name specific people and are asking how they are doing and those threads bump down all the other threads. Everyone knows that sometimes those posts get a little frustrating so lets not be dramatic and just say for the record that we'll try. Thats all anyone is asking I think. Can we agree to do that?

May 20, 2007
4:04 pm
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It's good practice as a "codependent" type person, I can say for myself I should try doing so. We have no control over others that are present in our lives, much less an anonymous person in cyberspace who does not respond.

May 20, 2007
5:49 pm
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bevdee
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loverbee

"I think that if everyone were to get really honest, they would see that there are threads that name specific people and are asking how they are doing and those threads bump down all the other threads. Everyone knows that sometimes those posts get a little frustrating so lets not be dramatic and just say for the record that we'll try. Thats all anyone is asking I think. Can we agree to do that?"

Agree to do what?

May 20, 2007
6:31 pm
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Isis
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To what?

Please agree to keep sending me hugs.

Even when I'm not always posting.

It makes me feel so NOT ALONE.

For the record, bumping threads up never frustrates or irritates me. It makes me feel good- feel better, when I'm not feeling so good.

It also warms my heart to see others getting the same kind consideration.

Quite often this is the only place that checks on me. Sometimes here at home I'm invisible. Unless of course, someone needs something from me.

(((Bev))) (((Mich))) (((gg))) (((loverbee))) (((ella))) (((Lorlei)))
(((Brynnie))) (((elle))) (((taj))) (((atalose))) (((TT))) (((gracenotes))) (((army))) (((couragetochange))) (((hopeful for a change)))

And all the rest of (((AAC))).

Fondly,

Isis

May 20, 2007
8:19 pm
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Rasputin
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I believe we tend to click with those who are similar to us. As the adage goes "Birds of a feather flock together." Even at work and every where I go I love every one, but there are people whom I feel they mirror me and having conversation with them feels great.

Generally speaking, I love everyone. I can't force others to love me, however. That's their problem. I tend to gravitate toward people who are simple, genuine, down to earth, serious, sincere and honest.

It does not bother me those people who come together and feel special click. As someone wise said here...pleasing others is a sign of co-dep which is very true. One who is serious about his own healing cannot expect to heal if they continue to play games and please others.

May 20, 2007
9:28 pm
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loverbee
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All I mean is, it seems that a lot of people are really quick to imply that we are needy. I just think, I will try to be generous and also try to understand that not everyone has time to respond all the time, but if everyone out there would try to be aware not all of the time but sometimes that there are people that are in need of help and bumping up those threads that are looking for people do tend to overshadow some so lets just all be aware and try to be sensitive to everyone here.

May 20, 2007
9:37 pm
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I guess we all have our up and down days...and often there are certain people who have similar experiences of life or much more life experience that offer great support,advise or a hug to another in need.

I haven't been here that long, and have found the threads so helpful and inspiring!Yes, some tend to have same people but not to worry,only natural for friendships to grow...I keep on learning and appreciate watching people support each other and try and learn.

So thankyou all for your input be it the so called cliques or the random comments...I only wish I had more time to read all the threads and be confident enough to add something meaningful and perfectly written!Hey ho,life!

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