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Clinging in Relationships
September 22, 2008
4:18 pm
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Miss Christine
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I first meet a guy & I have my own life & am standing strong on my own. Then it always happens...all of a sudden I turn into a stupid clingy dweeb. I believe that it has to do with being codependent, but how can I stop the cycle? I don't want to be clingy!!!!

September 22, 2008
9:52 pm
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fantas
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Are you in this situation right now? Have you read the book codependent no more? You might see yourself in it. You need to work on your self-worth so you do not depend on your partners to fulfill you. This is very tiring for the parther. There are some relationships that are this way where each person is so enmeshed. Keep posting.

September 24, 2008
12:41 am
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Miss Christine
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Right now I am not in a relationship. Yes, I have read it...maybe I need to pick it up again. It seems as if I can never find a guy that wants to be in an actual relationship. I seriously can not figure out what is wrong with me...or is it just not time for me to be in one. I would like to have someone that I can share my day with & they can share theirs. I'm a single Mom of 2 teenage boys & (sigh) a some adult conversation with some flirting would just be nice.

At times I feel doomed to be alone.

September 24, 2008
1:12 am
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fantas
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(((Miss Christine))),

I think you are starting to do what you need to in order to have a healthy relationship in the future. Your showing up here is no accident. From what I know, we tend to be clingy because we fear abandonment and ultimately the loss of love. Somewhere in your growing up you must have felt abandoned enough to cause you to develop coping mechanisms which are still very much with you today, even if you can take care of yourself now. Perhaps with the help of a therapist, you can start to work on that emotional wound.

In addition to reading Codependent no More, perhaps you can read the books, changes that heal and safe people by Townsend and Cloud. I found them very helpful. Dr. Phil's, self matters, is also another good one. Also, reading and writing on this site has been a life saver for me.

Keep posting!!

September 26, 2008
9:13 pm
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Miss Christine
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Thank you for the leads on the books to read...I really do appreciate the suggestion. When you mention growing up...nothing comes to mind. I was a very quiet & very inward child. My older brother died when I was in the fourth grade though. I had extreme abandonment with my exhusband though. I'm happy that I finally got out of that relationship. It wasn't easy but I did it. Thankfully all the men that I have dated since him...have been NOTHING like him.

September 28, 2008
2:10 pm
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helpplease
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Hi miss christine, i think i might be like that too. i'm not sure what causes it. but i would like to find out too!! i think you'll be just fine tho. i have faith in you.

September 28, 2008
2:46 pm
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atalose
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I think what may cause us to become clingy and needy and out of control is our FEAR.

FEAR of losing something we’ve so longed for.

When we find someone we like and can talk to and they make us feel good and happy we certainly don’t want to lose that so we go into clingy needy mode when we fear we may lose what we have.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 28, 2008
3:31 pm
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helpplease
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Fear is the evil!! How does one let go of fear?

September 28, 2008
5:12 pm
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atalose
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For me, I had to learn to focus all my attention on the very moment.

When fear arose it was out of my worrying about the past or the further keeping me from living in the present.

I keep myself anchored in the present and that helps to keep those “what-if’s” and “should have’s at bay.

Even if it’s living one moment at a time to get me through the day without playing those same old worn out tapes going around and around in my head.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

September 28, 2008
9:01 pm
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Miss Christine
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I've been practicing on not being clingy. I've been yes focusing on the very moment & enjoying it & not thinking of the what if's. I've also noticed that I have an issue with asking WAY too many questions. So I've stopped myself from asking too many. I've also learned that I open up too much & that seems to come across as too much.

It's so amazing as to how much there is to learn about myself & how my habits affect other people. Sometimes it's my bad habit or I'm perfectly fine & they are the one who is reacting bad. It can be hard to figure out if it is me or not.

I'm seeing someone now & I'm experimenting a TON!!!! At times I've learned that it is best to just pull away a little so he can chase me. Which is so satisfying to be chased by someone you enjoy hanging around.

Life? As long as we continue to better ourselves I think we will be doing great. I guess you could say that we need to continue to "reinvent" ourselves.

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