Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Cici X2
May 9, 2001
9:20 am
Avatar
Alena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline
May 9, 2001
9:23 am
Avatar
Alena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Okay, take two....

I only wanted to say to you Molly, on that same thread that seems to be spazzing out, that this may turn out to be a good catalyst for you in the long run. It may force some changes, you do want to get back to your love of counseling don't you? I think I remember there is not enough money or benefits in it, but maybe it'll force husband to get up off the couch also.
and also maybe force husband to quit supporting his grown children.

How's the day going so far today? Any word? Is he going to lose his license?

May 9, 2001
11:11 am
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wierd stuff going on here...anyways, the bottomline and summation of my two cents worth was simply that - we can do something right now, where we are - that is codependently tied up with "their happiness". They are responsible for their own. And you are responsible for yours. You being happy - shouldn't impair the other one's anything....if they love you.

And a mate should be able to pull up to the table and say - this is the way I feel and this is what I need.

It's as simple as turning the car or the ship around and just changing direction and not feeling guilty about it. A partnership is just that - that "two" people are connected and wanting the mutual happiness and wellbeing of both. Not a thing of - well, I'm here because these are the things I want out of you so I feel comfortable here in my own stuff. Um, no.

I mean, you "can" sign up for that - but it majorly sucks if someone does. Especially if one has that in fine print and the other one didn't read it.

So, no time like the present...make some changes right where you stand. You're not paralyzed. Shake it up. Do something about it. What's the alternative? That you will sit here and spin more and more downward? I think maybe that's more energy being used negatively than what you could use positively to get the pazazz back into who you are. And btw, last time I checked in the rule book - that was not a crime or a sin. *imagine that*

So, go forth....and conquer your own fears...that's really what this is all about. You looking "you" in the mirror and fighting for her. No one is going to come in on a white horse and scoop you up... You have to do it and command respect from "you". Rearrange your world. It's time.

May 9, 2001
12:07 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey, I did not post that love thing, with so many fish in the sea, makes me go hummmmmm. He used to get into my e-mail and I wonder if he did again. Thought he was over that!! Strange too, the way the other post disappeared!! Sure did give me the old reality check. Yea, where ever you stand there you are alone. I admit I have been coasting and well to casual regarding my well being. That is my price for trust with I guess no foundation. I am so sick and tired of not being number one in my opinion, of course to him, he goes out of his way. You can't imagine the thought processes in my head yesterday, that anxiety was not exactly the zing I was looking for. He he ... Showing property in this 100 degree weather, had the first rolling black outs, traffic snarls etc, this is going to be one long hot summer. Get this, I am figuring out how we are going to survive the worst case scenario, I walk in the door to him comfy on couch, with the air blasting, took him 20 min to say hey if your tired I can cook my own dinner. He he spoiled he is. Strange the way this thing is working one day its a casual phone call results in one week. Then the return phone call that says your in big trouble, but call this attourney, and with in one hour, its well the fine can be paid over 2 years, and there will be a 60 day suspension, and then a year of probation. It sure seems harsh to me considering how long he has been doing this, and the lack of complaints, or infractions. Could get busted for drugs and a lesser fine, but it is the way it is.
Molly is ok, she is gearing up, or she woke up, so many negative things all at once. The best is I think I lost about 5 lbs yesterday, maybe I thrive under stress. No time for pity parties, no time for anger, just focus, but on what and where.
thanks for being here. XXXX

May 9, 2001
3:01 pm
Avatar
Alena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yeah, I agree Ladeska, yup, really great advice, I truly mean it. But DOING it is another thing. No, there's no anchor tied to my butt,`nobody has a ball and chain hooked to my ankle...no matter what I say it's going to sound like an excuse. Here it is. He is not a bad man. Yes, I do love him. I have quite a few issues with his "50's" attitude and crap but mostly it's like this. If I change in any way, anything behavior he's not familiar with, he balks. He gets cold and mean with EVERYONE. Then I feel like it's my fault everyone is unhappy. And there's another point here to be addressed. I've always been the peacemaker in my family. I divert conversations so there are no fights, did it with my parents, did it with my husban and kids, cannot stand confrontation. How do I just change that after 50 years without falling apart. I mean literally, falling apart. If it heats into an arguement and I say what's on my mind that he doesn't like, I get that fight or flight thing, he'll say go find someone better and I want to then I shake, can't breathe, want to fall into a heap and not make a decision. I have no place to go. I want him to be the one to go and give me some space to breath, he wont. He never has. If he would just peacefully walk out the door and let me live here for a while and see if I can be happy being ME, no disapproval from anyone, I don't want to answer to anyone. I have a major self-confidence problem, always have, but husband slowly has taken over when I was my most vulnerable. I think he loves me but I don't think he LIKES me. I'm so different from him. He actually tries to squelch anything I might be good at or better than him at. So I wonder what the heck do I want. You say make waves, start now, I always question if he's right, I am the problem, not him. Maybe I am hard to live with.Then I think hey, if that's so, than I should leave him so he'll be happy and I will too. But because I dont give alot of credit to what I think, I think I'm probably wrong. Do I make ANY sense??????????????
I DONT KNOW HOW TO MAKE CHANGES WITHOUT MAKING MYSELF PAY FOR IT.
For all of our married lives the only time I can get him to notice I'm serious is if I walk. 3 times I have.
A thousand years ago. I thought we were over that. But now I feel so boxed in and suffocating. I dont want another man, I dont want anything but peace and no disapproval. I want to feel like he likes me. He can be a really mean person just by being COLD.

Here it is. My own mind is making me nuts. Maybe it's not his fault, maybe I'm just a chronically depressed person who will never be "happy" because I have too much crap I never figured out how to process. whew,
life sucks some times or maybe it's just me who cant see. I know, I know, get off the pot...I hear MOlly now, I want to say I'm not whining, but then, you cant see me. You just read this and see...whining.
what I need is to get out. I need to see if "me" is all I need.

Molly, I didn't thing you wrote that crap, and how the heck does something go away once it's posted????
So he wont lose his license and his income will remain the same and all's well that ends well? Refresh my memory, how long have you been with him?

May 9, 2001
3:46 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

no, he is in big friggin trouble, I guess they reduce the punishment if they make it public, and if it goes public, who would want to use him, it would cause rejection from all the approved lists that he has worked so hard and long to aquire. But this doesn't surprise me. Its all about him, just like the rest of his life. Like the dependency thing, he takes it all on then when he is overwhelmed, he gets sick, or damn, wish I didn't think he did it on purpose, but it is not making sense. he has always said lie till you die, and he tells the truth to some one he should have not talked to? He admitted fraud, when easily he could have said oh, yea, I marked the wrong box, I knew that. Nothing is making sense, other than the fact that I trusted in an area where I knew better. if its to good to be true, duh. I got comfortable, just where you are, bad but not really bad enough, miserable, but so stuck in the rut, why bother? It takes so much energy, yet the energy creates energy, and after so much time, yea, there is love but the like is hard I guess. The tugs of time fantasy commitment right from wrong, the struggle, is what is keeping you trapped. We have lost that nieve youthful hope and faith thing, sorta. When I returned I accepted that we are just very different people, and process EVERYTHING different. In my case you don't usually have the entire mess regurgitated all in one week. Like trying to talk about this all I am allowed to say with out crap is ok, what ever. Yet this is my financial security too, this is the don't worry baby I'll provide for you that gets me scared as I am not at all involved in the finances, and have absolutely no idea where we are at. I had to let go of the war, it was a loosing battle. Here he is at his age, and nothing to show, and my resentment is that our financial base could be growing with my effort in his office, but no the kids get the freedom of financial concearn, or independence for that matter. When we are truly sick and tired, and the rainbow is more clear else where, we jump. you have done it 3 times. You just might do it again. I must own that I allowed my self to get into this pinch, funny a psychic told me that I would end up supporting him one day. its just that on top of the relational issues, I hate living here, I hate this house, I hate the dynamics most of the time, and it is never going to change, I figure this is my opportunity to speak up or walk out. My man sounds like a cloan of yours good qualities, but not your friend. My trust is out the window, it was always on the ledge. I swear, it almost sounds good to me, to take a minimum wadge job, where I want to live, and make friends. We have no life, and it doesn't bother him, we have no goals, he doesn't like them, we have no financial plan, because he has it covered, we have no conversation, because what we have no mutual interest, or is it just the way it is ? Well, I am going to focus on me, my energy, my spirit, and stay out of his way. He is already reacting to my silence, not ignoring him, just not acting out. What the hell are you going to do or say???? Make the most of it, and save the pennies. Gas this morning was $2 a gallon, at the cheap store, that is the other thing it costs so damn much to live.

May 9, 2001
6:12 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I just got an e-mail from a friend, and told her that a few of my on-line friends were going to make a commune, she said not to advertise, it would become a nation. He he:)

May 9, 2001
7:31 pm
Avatar
Alena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wasn't there some old movie about "Amazon" women, or something and they ate men?

Or was that just a dream I had.....?

May 9, 2001
7:47 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Star treck... I just lost it, my daughter just sent an e-mail the youngest, dissappointed in her midterm, dissappointed in the last date, busy working and school, and by the way what was up for mothers day, was I having people over, I said no, i am not their mother. I tried to call both of them and said hey have a nice weekend. Guilt trip. I called the spouse, and asked if he by any chance, through my tears, was setting up a surprise, or something, he said no, and then asked why I have been so wierded out over the last 4 days, he thinks its the real estate transaction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't think we should eat them, we become what we eat. If I hear one more Mothers day ad, my fist may go through the divice. I think I need to go to the gym.

May 9, 2001
9:02 pm
Avatar
Alena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

and then on the way home stop at a bar. That would be a good name for a bar...The Gym....

Are the girls real far away? Maybe they'll pop by on Mothers Day. Ya know there is something to be said for watching grandchildren, although I know they are his sons children. They are these fresh new little lives who can't mess with your heart yet, except to make it feel good. My 6 mos. old granddaughter is coming tomorrow, I watch her 3 days a week and she absolutely lights up my day from the moment her little face comes through the door. I remember those days with my boys when they were that young and so precious and fresh and thought I was the greatest thing on earth. They still are good sons. Really, they have their moments but as far as how they feel about me, I feel pretty good. ya know, sons and moms. It's a pretty strong bond. It's actually one of my husband's biggest gripes because he wasn't all that close to his mom, her doing I think. So he's always been jealous of our bond. Oh boy...here I go again. It's okay though, they are good guys. The married one is an excellent husband and dad (I can just hear "typical mom!") but he goes to school full time, works full time, cooks, cleans, loves and cares for baby, surprises wifey with "beach nites"(puts small pool and sand in frontroom!), he's a sweetie, his wife agrees. Youngest is single and a cutie, a total partyer..no strings, no commitments, .....and who asked??
How did I get off on this....

I think everything is just ganging up on you Molly. Maybe one of these things to handle, if you had time to just concentrate on homelife with husband, and no pressures from anywhere else, maybe you could re-coup. Did you feel much more satisfied in your other job? Could you start there with a change?

May 9, 2001
11:01 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't think its the work as much as it is the bordom with the couch potatoe, you know there is just so much time you can spend alone. I keep busy, I entertain my self, but I would like to have some fun, and a friend. It would be easier if I was single. But I am not. You know I often drift thinking about his granddaughter, what I would and could do, its not that I don't want to be around kids, its just that it is a whole nother set of potential bombs. They had to get married, and when they announced it to his dad, he flipped out told him not to marry her. Great start, and great advice. So, punishment by association. I was planning a wedding shower, excited about something to bond the family together, and she has spit venom, for a while. They did get married one year after the origional date, and then he and I split up for a year. The mom has a child from a previous encounter, a boy, and they are usually more shy, and he is,new family stuff, and sibling rivalery, but the girl is out going as can be, so the mom's take is that there is favoritism. The husband paid for them to go on vacation with us twice last year, and I swear everything I did was wrong,and challenged, she is just young and defensive. I have been told I refuse to be a grandma, because when I first returned a year ago January, the first night I a) didn't invite the kids to stay the night, and didn't agree to do full time day care when they asked me then. I have done the holiday dinners, first to make cookies with the kids, first to have an easter egg hunt, but there is no calls, hey whats up, or drop bys,and they do live real close, We went to the son's birthday party Saturday, and she is just wierd, scarcastic, defensive, insecure, and why do I need to jump into that mess? I had enough of that crap trying to be a step mom, and got no support, and I know there still won't be any. There is no bonding with the kids, and they are real good children, I don't agree with yelling at them or hitting them or threating them so we come from real different places. I also think she feels guilt, and repressed anger at the beginning of the relationship that the father, my spouse created, don't blame her, but she knows its not me, but still even admits to holding a grudge. The sibling stuff, the difference in diets, the lack of bonding and the resentment, its a can of worms that once I believe the kids are older will be ok, or there will be a distant relationship, or real surface contact. Far from what I call normal family dynamics, but with my spouse there never has been.
My girls live two hours away, and I guess we will get together the wednesday after mothers day, she said I was being melo dramatic, and I said what is your point:) I said it had been a rough week, I was tired, and hot, and heard to many commercials for mothers day with no contact, she said ok. I'm going to survive, figure out how to make a ton of money, and then we will see. yea right, think positive

May 9, 2001
11:35 pm
Avatar
Alena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Grrrrr.........don't I know the step family, inlaws, outlaws, hurt feelings, biting your tongue, route.

I can see why you hate to see anyone leave a family and start blending into a new one. I do too, really. It's best not to open those cans of worms. Tooo much sticky stuff. Been there, done that. When I married this husband and I had my son from my first marriage he was 2 and my husband's son was 5, who I think I mentioned was dropped off on our doorstep the week before we got married. Mom decided she didn't want him. Until we had custody of him, then she wanted him. Actually, what she wanted at his expense was to make all of us miserable and she sure did it, cuz I let her. I fell right into all of her crap traps. I had the resentment your step daughter in law(?) has towards everyone on his side of the family but for what I thought were good reasons. God, how many holidays I walked away feeling so bad for my little boy who just played the invisible role when we were at my husband's family's gettogethers. I hated them, truly. I swore if that ever happened to me when I was older I would make extra sure that I didnt do it. And my youngest son is dating a chick with 2 little ones (another story) and I try so hard to show them how much I like them. It's hard though when you're already backpeddling just because of all the hard feelings from the rocky start with stepson and his wife. It's tough. And, I guess you don't need anymore baggage-ladened crabby people in your life.

Yep, think positive, I try so hard but if you don't your doomed. You guys are already in your rolling blackouts mode, we're having a pretty nice spring for a change. Here's a big hug, hope tomorrow is cooler, in more ways than one.......

May 9, 2001
11:35 pm
Avatar
lost soul
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Molly, you know I am not very good with words but I hope you will have a great day! :> and YES, always be POSITIVE.

May 10, 2001
10:31 am
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Woah - this thread appears and suddenly there is this torrent of release! Praise Cici, the almighty (har har har har).

Alena, I know how you feel responding to confrontation like that. I used to have that problem. Of course, now it has evolved into wrath. I have the urge to smack, slap and punch. I've done it to my SO before and he really hates it (who wouldn't?). I feel like I'm turning into my mother. AUGH!
He just grabs my arms and immoblizes me until the rage passes.

Because of this my general prac. wants to put me on Paxil for chrissake. I told her I don't want to take drugs and she gave me the weirdest look. I wanted to punch her, too!

May 10, 2001
11:20 am
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Boy, this has sure been one full moon,
I stepped out side last night to wash my car, and to hose my self off, when my new next door neighbor came over to vent. the commute from work to home, day care, nothing right with the house, 7 year old in trouble at school, and it is so very obvious the source of the problems, stress, no time, new neighborhood, no family support, she needed hugs so bad. I can't believe how tough it is for everyone, and what is it really all about?
Well Mr. Perfect came home at 10, and he is not at all concearned, denial. He did sound to me like he did it on purpose, oh well, I am cool, slept like a rock.
if you want to punch Cici, I have a target for you 🙂 Thanks lost soul, I have a beam of sunshine that I am riding on.

May 10, 2001
11:46 am
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Tribe! My goodness gracious! Someone did let the floodgate open, huh? My fault I guess...I left it open when I turned out the cat the other day...(smile) For cryin' outloud though - venting is good...we hold so much in it's no freakin' wonder our eye balls float around in our head and turn brown. Geez....

Sometimes I just have to do the - I'm a dumb blonde routine and act like the queen of bubbleheads. Works rather well actually. I just look at people and situations and go? Exsqueeze me? Ya talkin' to me? Oh....didn't hear ya, was smackin' my gum to loud while trying to pull lint out of my belly button...ya want somethin? Who are you anyways, do I know you? God, I need more chocolate!!! Can you step over to the left a little bit - you're blocking my view....was checking out the buns on that guy over there...

You know...it cracks me up, Cici - the statement about the Paxil. I don't like the drug thing either. I'm more into herbs, vitamins, alternative stuff and really into finding out the root problem. I have a firm belief that when our head puts things together wrong - believes lies that are deeply rooted in us - our brains tell our bodies to produce chemicals that end up being a very unbalanced recipe for us. And until we get those lies out of our foundational thinking - those gears are always going to mix up this little cocktail for us. So - drugs might ease that some - or balance us out a bit - or more likely numb us up - but does that really - get to the root of things? no, it doesn't. But, our society is into just glossing it over because we haven't even BEGAN to be able to treat effectively things like the effects of rape and incest for example - so we just give people drugs and go - you'll be okay, pat them on the head and send them on their way. So, yeah - they are going to look at you like your nuts! Oh my God!!! This is the accepted way of dealing with you! WHAT DO YOU MEAN - YOU WON'T DO THIS??? take the cotton outa your ears you nitwit! Read my lips..I SAID - I don't want it!!

RAGE ON PEOPLE!!! At the bottom of all this is some really awesome wisdom...you'll get there...keep going...gotta get through all the trash first...have a mud fight...paint your face with pretty tubes of cake frosting and wear your clothes inside out...we're getting there. You see...we as women do have the answers more than not. But, we cover it up with all this debrii and pack it down on top of our answers. The more we talk through it, the more we clean out until....we come to the little box with the answers inside.

Men always assume that when we do this talking and raging thing that we want them to fix it for us. Actually, that couldn't be farther from the truth. We just want a listening ear and someone to affirm us and validate us. We are the ones, by talking and throwing it up on the felt board in front of us - that solve the problem. We just need to have it out there in words, in pictures in front of us. It's the way we problem solve. But, when someone kicks us when we try to do this, doesn't listen, ridicules us, starts complaining about their own stuff and acts like they could really give a flying flip - we withdraw and stuff and never solve crap. It's such an easy process to get the hang of and if men really cared about their partners they'd get in touch with this and start seeing how incredibly bright women can truly be when allowed to go there and supported. Instead, they just walk away and go - all they want to do is bitch and complain and nag.

Well.....if you sense that your man feels that way....kinda destroys the mood of being validated, doesn't it? HELLO??? It's "amazing" what power affirmation has in people's lives. A little patience, a good idea of what listening really means....and the ability to resist trying to "fix"...is what enables a person that you love - to really flourish and take care of their own stuff. That's what it really means to "be one" with each other.

I may be quiet over here, but I'm reading your stuff....just "listening"...(smile) Love you guys...(hugs) Hey Molly - just where do you live if you're having electric blackouts? I thought only Callie was doing that?

May 10, 2001
10:46 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Fruckkking hellllll,just off the 10 and the 15 to be exact. Damn had a great day, so good to have a lesbo boss, she was venting on all the men in the boys club of our office, which are not in our office, but down the street. We call our selves the circle. There are only two men in our office, and one is the son of a top agent, hehe, what is the italian word for mama's boy, mamaobie???? We did this major male bash today, it was really simply questions, one of the women, who has been divorced for 10 years, was getting put through the ringer for trying to get braces for the son. Sometimes I feel stupid for trying to explain how or why i tolorate the person i live with, as I am sure Alena can relate. I swear I am over the co-dependency stuff, I admit to falling for the fantasy, or at least treading water, to see the what might be, but the bottom line is being lazy and temporary comfort. Sex, well it would be ok, but not a priority any more, what i want is a best friend, loyalty, and companionship, but for now, I have that some of the time, but the truth is I get comfortable with a false sense of security, and ignore taking care of business. I should know better, I should work every day, like it is my last opportunity, I should never take anything for granted, I should remind my self daily that I am responsible for my success, comfort, happiness, and future. But with all the bills paid today, and no demands, other than clean house, and food, its easy to get, well damn lazy, and forget about things. Ok so i am human, then it all piles up, the this and the that, the I wants, and the you didn'ts its amazing for the list on my man, the reality is he has worked hard to please me, he is a unique individual in his own relm, but do I trust that my well being, or concept of what makes me comfortable is at the top of the list, hell no, but does that make him wrong, no its me that is wrong, for not ascertaining clarity, in what I expect, or demanding it, passivity takes over, then wham

May 10, 2001
11:15 pm
Avatar
Alena
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

But isn't that what you call "passivity" really trust?

Trust that you CAN relax and settle in to some sort of "you won't hurt me, I wont hurt you", "I love you, you love me" , so I can get down off my toes and relax. That's how I see it.

by the way, Molly, $1.93 for gas today at the highest, somebody in Cleveland is starting a war with $1.43, supposedly just a grand opening price....people are filling cans and taking them home. Yipes....this is going to get real ugly....I think we need a revolution..
(hey, that should be a song.......)

May 11, 2001
11:08 am
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Some where between the time he brought up the coffee and news paper and when I woke up, while he was doing his hour sit downstairs, mr.Jonz chewed a corner in the comforter before I woke up. He came up stairs just as I poured my coffee, and I got gd it woman, I said what startled, just once I would like to keep something nice, he beat the dog, and went into shower. I immediately sewed the small hole, and vaccumed the feathers, went down stairs and said hey, got a gd leave me alone, for christ sake, and did. What a beautiful day, of course last night was better. Gas is $2.00 I think he is stressed, displacing anger, and I am going to be at the gym.

May 11, 2001
11:42 am
Avatar
site coordinator
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Folks,

I scanned this thread, and am getting an indication there may have been some mis-postings - ie: errors on OUR side, not on yours.

We had some database problems, and when this happens, postings get scrambled...especially when people are posting while we're working on the problem.

So, please don't jump to any mis-conclusions about postings, I'm 99% sure it's on us.

Our apologies.

- Site Coordinator

May 11, 2001
2:06 pm
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

ha ha - my revolution willbe riding a bike to work and school or taking the bus. I have a free ride with my student ID. But buses are so crappy here. I mean really crappy and stinky. But with my marriage pending, I have to give up Daddy's gas card and all it's privileges. My SO insists on it. At least he's paying for my health insurance now. Takes a load off my parents.

I feel like everyone wants to take care of me. I've never really had to do it myself for more than like a year, and every year it was hellish when it was my own responsibility to take care of me. My parents even told my SO that I'm "fragile". Maybe it's my chronic illness, the fact that I can only eat a few solid foods and I get tired easily. Ha ha that's why it's easy for me to work out my frustration - because I get exhausted after 20 min!

May 11, 2001
6:12 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So, like are you happy or what about the bike? or are you on all those drugs?

May 12, 2001
1:14 pm
Avatar
Ladeska
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cici.....sweetie....you're fragile because you've been spending so much of your energy holding the volcano in and Pandora's box - shut for how many years now? It takes an incredible toll on our bodies - doing this. Some would say it's negative energy - but not really - when you don't know anything else to do. It's either hold it shut or suffer the consequences of it being opened and not being able to "deal".

That's one big reason that I always try to work with women/girls in the way of being holistic about it. And that means - looking at the whole ball of wax of "being you" at one time. It's hard, but I believe it really is the best way. You don't see people do it much and that saddens me greatly....

And no, this isn't about me being a west coast hippie. (smile) Actually, I do have ingredients of that BUT it's just good sense. To me - it's like this - you do a panoramic picture taking....swinging the camera all the way around you and go....hm,m,m...okay - how can I make all these components work together and be more cohesive?

Okay....so someone is getting counseling and journaling...what about the body - as it will be mirroring what's going on inside and reflecting it....if you're going to stir it up - the body has to know how to release it - otherwise - it just does a spin cycle, right? And the poison never goes anywhere except around a little bit giving one - temporary relief...right?

In martial arts - we call this a "follow-through" punch. You take your energy and you send it outward - all the way - very focused and to it's target and at the end - you snap it.

You really aren't as fragile as you think you are. But, you are very accustomed to being in this little box, in this protected cage and it frustrates the living hell out of you - but as of yet - you won't really come to terms with it and admit it to yourself. There will come a day though....down the road....you will remember these words - you will want to be free and to exist on your own power. I want you to take time to think on this very seriously before you marry.

Yes, you could do this with him - if he is agreeable down the road, but...he's trained at this point to know - another you....will he accept it later? Does he get who he is in this relationship from - taking care of Cici? So what happens - when Cici learns to really care for herself at some point? Things to ponder.

You push against the box....I see you do it. But, at the same time - you are scared to climb out. All I'm asking you to do right now is just "think" on these things. Ask yourself questions. You're so extremely bright and talented and very capable of busting the box - wide open...I just want you to look at those wings inside the cocoon and acknowledge that you have them. Yes, they are fragile right now - they haven't seen sunlight yet. But, they are there...for a reason...

I want to give you a gift, Cici....the gift of learning how to affirm yourself....to see the colors of your own soul and to really and truly love them... You're starting to put on the dancing shoes, I see that. Taking the bike instead of the bus...yep, that would be "dancing". (smile) Take more steps into a holistic approach of caring for yourself. Look at all the many dimensions of you and bring them all up one step.

Bring more "Cici fulfillment" into every room of you as you get stronger. It's like this...I teach people do little things like...when someone is draining your energy going round and round in circles and you feel yourself going right down the drain with them - where you would normally sit there and let that happen for two hours....be the one to cut it off and say - you know - I have an appt. - gotta run. And the appt. is nothing more than you going for ice cream and sitting there enjoying the silence and gettng your energy back and resisting feeling guilty about it.

It's about learning Tae Chi, or taking a dance class where you learn to waltz - the old fashion way. It's about "juicing" and realizing how wonderful it is for your body and how it can help you combat all this negative stuff inside of you trying to attack your body from the inside out. Give your body some help - juice.

It's about asking someone to give you a massage once a week and allowing yourself to really receive it. Your body and soul needs it. And it's a way of slowing teaching yourself - it's okay to receive without performing...

It's seeking someone out that is musical and asking them to play the flute or the piano or the guitar for you....just so you can hear them...and truly enjoy this gift that they have in order that you might slowly inch your way into....accepting the gifts that you have and treasuring "them" as well.

It's all about caring and exercising the whole of you, Cici....there are so many dimensions here...you are a fantastic creation and it's time you started making the most important discovery of all the time....the wonder of "you". Love you.

May 14, 2001
11:09 am
Avatar
Cici
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It's funny because I spent this weekend doing "me" things. I read "The Tao of Pooh" and watched my all-time favorite movie "Labirynth" - the one with Jennifer Connely and David Bowie.

I laid out on the pool deck Saturday afternoon and listened to music under the sun. I went shopping with my mom on Mother's Day and played with my little nephew and cooked Mom dinner, then lazed on their back porch and chatted with my Dad. I'm enjoying life right now.

Surprisingly enough my SO is a very sensitive person. He's so unlike most men - but I think that may be the touchy-feely drug experiementation of our generation. Ecstasy will force you to get in touch with your emotions. He's reading my favorite Maslow book and "The Tao of Pooh" right now! ha ha ha. I think he just wants to be on the same page as me.

Part of our problems have been that we are both very young, and still growing. But I realized that we are growing together. We do want the same things - to walk across India, to join the Peace Corps, to live in CA for a year or two, to have a little organic farm in the country and live off edemame and wheatgrass juice, ha ha. He even likes tofu, for chrissake.

But I am seeing the world differently. We woke up at 6:30am on Saturday and climbed on the roof and watched the sun rise, then we went back to the bedroom and meditated with our candles lit - it was all really cool. Because we were there together, and he was trying to share the experience with me. I accepted suddenly that he can never see the world through my eyes, something I had always bemoaned before.

But my fragility - well, I can attribute that to my lack of nutrition. I lost 8 lbs in 5 months, which is a big no-no with my disease. But I don't want to take the drugs. The muscle relaxers I'm on now don't make me loopy, but they do make my muscles weaker and trembly. I am still faithfully going to the gym, though.

Yes. Ladeska, I'm getting a full body maske and 1-hour massage on Wednesday! I'm getting my highlights re-done and a facial next week! I'm gettin a manicure the week after, and on June 9 we're going to jamaica for a week and I'll sip drinks from coconuts and get massages and pamapered!!! I am finally listening to my body. She is soooo tired.

May 14, 2001
12:41 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You are so lucky to have some one to share goals and dreams with. You sound like you are doing well,and had a great time, and great times comming. Good for you.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
51
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110907
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38534
Posts: 714189
Newest Members:
819Zeed, odin83, sendlv, ViolentFighterBrownCaveman, kbrfDazy, traceyob69
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer