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Chinadoll?
December 5, 2010
12:00 am
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Is
there a reason you don't respond to my posts? I read where you give
some really great advice and sometimes I would like to know your
thougths on some of what I post.

If we are at cross
purposes and you just don't care I can handle that. Just tell me
what I post doesn't "speak" to you and I will go on about my
business.

Bitsy

December 5, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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Bitsy
-

I have observed
this, too...but I don't think it's you (or anyone else for that
matter). There is a deep woundedness here which distracts and
shifts her focus from the individuals posting (and their
needs/questions) to her own painful past/present. As she heals
(just as we are ALL healing), you will see less about her (her ex,
her current LD bf, etc.) and more responses directed
compassionately and attentively towards others specific
postings.

You've seen this
in many of us, having been on these threads many years. When we
first arrive, we will find 57 different ways to re-direct any and
all postings back to our own, emotional issues. It's a phase we
recovering codies all work through. So, don't take it
personally.

- Ma
Strong

December 5, 2010
12:00 am
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Oh it
isn't something that is keeping me awake at night. Just something I
noticed and thought I would ask about.

I am currently
reading the book Safe People and she mentioned she had read it
also. I started a thread about it.

Thanks for the
post.

Bitsy

December 5, 2010
12:00 am
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StronginHim77
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Bitsy
-

Don't forget,
also, the astonishingly high statistics on the prevelance of
codependents in the "caretaking" professions:
psychiatry/psychology, ministry (bowing and pointing to self),
nursing, counseling...

It is our very
woundedness which directs us down these paths..and that's not
necessarily a bad thing. Simply a fact.

- Ma

December 5, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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To
StronginHim77- IMHO we should all be here sharing our own
experiences, thoughts, and lives not someone else's. I believe that
it will help people to continue to open up if we refrain from
commenting on what they share. The focus here needs to be on
ourselves. It really helps others when we can be there for them
emotionally and being honest about ourselves.

December 5, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bitsy,

I am sorry that I
did not respond to your posts yet. It is nothing against you at
all. I don't think you and I have ever been at odds. And it is
definitely not about anything that you post.

I have been very
busy, and yes, very distracted. My best-best friend has just gotten
out of the hospital for the I'm-not-sure-how-many-times this year.
I don't know if I mentioned before that 3 years ago, the doctors
told her she has 3 years left to live. We have been best-best
friends since age 8 and are closer than sisters. She has 2 children
and is raising them on her own. I have been trying to be there for
her as much as I can. And being in denial that she might not make
it much longer. I already lost a best friend, and my Mom, last year
to cancer, and also one of my cousins is dying right now from
cancer, so my denial is protecting me.

Also, I don't
remember if I have mentioned, I had a traumatic brain injury 3
years ago, which keeps me from looking at the computer screen for
too long. Not to mention it causes me to have what looks and feels
like ADHD.

Yes, I did read
Safe People, but it was a couple of years ago. I dug my book out
again so that I could review it. My brain injury causes me to
sometimes forget things that I have read, so I have to read again.
I did not read your Safe People thread yet, because I wanted to
study again, and carefully put together some thoughts and have some
sort of insightful response before I examined your
thread.

Not to mention, I
am going thru a situation with a long-time friendship, over 10
years, right now that I am re-examining. I have seen for a few
months that she is unsafe and has always been unsafe, but I did not
see it as closely before. Upon analyzing it further, I am beginning
to sense that she is actually sociopathic. Since I have studied
sociopaths and psychopaths in great depth for the past 2 years,
this has peaked my curiosity, and has taken me off into this
direction.

I prefer to take
my time in making a thoughtful response. I did not mention to you
yet about the research paper that I talked with you about on the
other thread, because I wanted to find the paper again and give a
good explanation. I would rather not just throw something up from
the top of my head, since my thoughts seem to scatter.

Bitsy, you will
see that I almost never create threads about myself. Maybe 2 or 3
in the whole time I have been here on AAC. I don't really like to
draw attention onto myself. I don't like for things to always be
about me, but then, I don't want to hi-jack someone else's thread
with something I am going thru.

Ma, I appreciate
your observations, and I would like to say that although you
believe I am deeply wounded, I would have to say I don't agree. I
do agree that I was deeply wounded during the time that I was
married to my ex. No doubt about that. But I hold no bitterness,
only regret that I stayed longer than I should have. I have a
loving an caring heart, which causes me to think of others more
than myself. If I speak about my ex here, it is regarding the
lessons that I have learned--not a rant or a vent about what isn't
fair. I am not his only victim. He has harmed other people as well.
There are a lot of people trying to recover from the damage, even
still, years later.

I also do not
agree that I am a co-dependent or recovering co-dependent. I am a
survivor. Abuse survivors are not necessarily always co-dependent,
they can be, but it is not absolute.

I am a survivor of
childhood sexual abuse, two brutal rapes, nearly being murdered
(once during one of the rapes, twice by my ex-husband), and
domestic violence by my ex-husband. I do not and will never accept
that these experiences make me a co-dependent.

I found AAC by
accident when doing research in April for my psychology studies. I
could have left after I finished that class 2 weeks later, but I
decided to stay after making friends with quite a few
people.

Whether or not you
believe that I am demonstrating "codie" behavior because I am going
through a difficult time with missing my boyfriend who is about to
go overseas, it's all in the perspectives we have that are shaped
by our life experiences.

Being in the
military, I know the reality of what he is facing. I have lost some
very close friends who were killed in action over there. I have
some other friends who were very seriously wounded and some
completely disabled. It is easy for anyone to say (I am not saying
you said this) but just in general, and I have heard it in real
life..."well, this is what you sign up for," or "you knew what you
were getting yourself into when you started dating," yes, this is
true.

However, when one
of the ones that you love the most has an extremely dangerous job,
and is more likely to be one be on the front line or in a direct
fire fight with the enemy, tell me again how easy it is to
say.

Actually, it does
not bother me at all if they tell me at any time that I will have
to go. I know I will be just fine. I don't want to think about
losing him, because if I lose him, his son will lose him, too. And
I don't think that it's being co-dependent. That is real love
speaking.

Like I said, I
appreciate that you have observed these things about me. For the
record, there are some things I will agree to, and some I am not
able to.

Bitsy, also, I may
have mentioned this to you before, if not, I will again. I may stay
on certain threads for a bit, since this is where I am drawn to. My
senses have me follow something, and I will go to where I am
guided. Some threads have an energy that I have to deflect from.
The energy I get from a thread or a post is going to determine if I
should respond or not. Sometimes I have to wait for the right time
to post on a thread. I am sure this is why I have not been guided
to read your thread on Safe People. When the time is right, I am
sure that my senses will draw me to it. This is the main reason why
I am not on all of the threads, even for the ones who are brand-new
and are asking for help. It is not that I don't want to help, it's
because I have not been led to that thread.

I have to go where
life takes me. I am sure this is why it seems like I disapppear or
I ignore people. I have to be patient and wait for answers and
sometimes they don't come right away.

I hope you
understand. I will get back to you when I can.

December 5, 2010
12:00 am
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China, no worries. It was just a question

Bitsy

December 5, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bitsy, No, it is so much more than just a question. After
re-reading your question on this thread:

“Is there a reason
you don't respond to my posts? I read where you give some really
great advice and sometimes I would like to know your thougths on
some of what I post. If we are at cross purposes and you just don't
care I can handle that. Just tell me what I post doesn't "speak" to
you and I will go on about my business.”

And then
re-reading your post on the Safe People thread:

“One of the things
she has me doing is reading a book Safe People by the same authors
as Boundaries. The book is Christian based. Some of you who have
read it may want to respond to me about your thoughts of how I am
interpretting it.”

This is simply my
observation, and not in any way to create an argument. Firstly, I
am not one to argue. I would like to come to an understanding.
Firstly, when you created this thread to me, specifically with my
nickname, to ask me your question, you don’t initially say which
posts you want me to respond to. Not until I read this response to
Ma:

“Oh it isn't
something that is keeping me awake at night. Just something I
noticed and thought I would ask about. I am currently reading the
book Safe People and she mentioned she had read it also. I started
a thread about it. Thanks for the post.”

That I realize
that this is what you are asking about. And then when you say “If
we are at cross purposes and you just don't care I can handle
that”, secondly, I did not realize that you expected me to care. I
did not recognize that I was supposed to care about a posting that
I knew nothing about.

In your thread,
Safe People, you say, “Some of you who have read it may want to
respond to me about your thoughts of how I am interpretting
it.”

Nowhere do I see
my name mentioned. Only “some of you…may want to
respond”.

But then you
create a thread, as tho’ I have offended you…without notifying me
of the offense.

Be honest, Bitsy.
I have no problem with the truth. I am able to sense when people
are not being truthful, or when they are trying to not say what
they really feel in order to not confront or to not want to hurt
anyone’s feelings. I am trained in interviewing and interrogation,
specifically certified in forensic interviewing, and I have the
ability to be what one could call a human polygraph. I am not
saying that you are not being truthful, but I will say that there
is something underneath all of this that should be addressed. I
know it’s there, and I would hope that you will bring it forward so
that we can resolve whatever it is, because I have been sensing
this between us for a while. It might not be keeping you up at
night, but it’s strong enough for you to have given it some space
in your mind and create a thread to me about it.

What is really
going on? I find it inquisitive that for what you say is “just a
question” created an analysis and observation of me by Ma and
yourself about all the things presently going on in my personal
life, which has absolutely nothing relating to the book. I am given
a diagnosis of having a “deep wounding”, and a label of being a
“recovering codie.” Peculiar in that, I am the graduate-level
psychology scholar, and I would not think to analyze myself in this
manner. I am a previous law enforcement officer, I had to succeed
psychological evaluations for that job and for the military in
order to possess a security clearance. If anything came up, it
would have come up 12 years ago.

This is actually
quite insulting the more I think about it.

I have always been
real with you Bitsy, just as I have always been real with everyone.
I will call a spade a spade.

I actually do not
need to be here. I have a very busy and full life, and the time
spent here can be used for other things. I have other resources and
avenues to express myself. I chose to be here, since I feel that I
was guided to this site. I may have to re-examine this.

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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chinadoll, IMHO people come here for information, support, etc.
not to be diagnosed, and personally attacked. People need to do an
inventory of their own life not others. You are a very intelligent
adult who is capable of managing your own life. Only a person stuck
in the control pattern of codependency would believe otherwise. I
loved your post and admire you for being such a stand up
person!

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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CraigCo
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Ditto

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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China, I am about to abandon this thread because of
interferance from others.

The truth is I
value your thoughts on various situations and simply wanted your
opinion. I tried to phrase the question in an open ended way. That
was a failure on my part. My apologies for not making myself
clearer.

As for anyone
elses interpretation or opinion on this thread...that's all it
is.

Peace

Bitsy

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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puptent
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(((CraigCo))) You ROCK!

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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Shaney
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GREAT
post chinadoll. I think you're spot on, on all counts.

Much respect to
you - Shaney

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I
must agree with Shaney, Chinadoll, I love the fact that your here,
your one of few people on here who are very grounded, kind and I
feel safe with!

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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For
what its worth, I been insulted on here and told that because of my
childhood abuse I would never heal and there is little hope for me,
but you know what? I could care less cause there are people here
who have never hurt me and only lifted me up, sure I had to leave a
few times, but I only came back MUCH stronger and wiser.

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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alien
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(((((Chinadoll)))))

December 6, 2010
12:00 am
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MsGuided
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I
found this interesting Blog. It pretty much sums up my attitude
about people and myself.

I'm not one to do
absolutely anything for anyone ( selfless giving, but it depends on
the circumstance) without expectations, but the general message
here is about expectations.

>>
"Expecting life to treat you well because you're a good person; is
like expecting an angry bull not to charge you because you're a
vegetarian. --Shari R. Barr"

When I read this I
first laughed, but then the reality of it set in as being
completely true. I'm one of those people who'll do just about
anything for anyone without wanting anything in return. I've always
been told it's a good quality trait to have; however, I've
sometimes found it to work to my disadvantage because people have
tended to take advantage of me and/or my kindness.

Nowadays I'm a
little less willing to over extend myself for a few
reasons

1.Because it's
simply not healthy

2.It's exhausting
to be nice/kind all the time because it can compromise my own
happiness

3.Because
sometimes it would be nice to have an action
reciprocated.

( ah,
Reciprocation is VERY important. THis si what forms a solid healthy
friendship)

Cashing the
reality check was as much needed as my vegetarian ass being charged
by the bull. All that aside, I still tend to be a good person, not
because I want to be treated in the same fashion I treat others,
but simply because that's the type of person I am. I'm not going to
go from zero to bitch faster than a Porsche because someone said or
did something I don't like. Life consists of shitty things and
shitty people and just because I'm a good person, doesn't mean
others are. Some people are inherently bad and there's little
anyone can do to change them.

My humble opinion
is this; if you're a good person, be proud of that. Don't expect
others to appreciate or reciprocate it. Do what you do because you
wanted to and call it a day. "<<

http://mentallyspeaking.blogsp.....ality.html

Yea yea. And
realize the Bull is dangerous then take the proper
precautions.

What people offer
here is a gift. But what else can ya expect from a bunch of
anonymous posters?

This place isn't
meant to fill in the gaps our lives lack. Really, the dirty work is
at home, inside our heads and with the people around us.Hopefully
were all trying to get better, and have our needs met by doing
so.

Be
Well!

December 7, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bitsy, why abandon the thread? You say it is due to
interference from others. From my observance, you engaged in an
initial interaction with another prior to my initial response, so,
as I see it, you participated in whatever “interference” that was
created.

This is how I
would have conducted my intentions, if I were simply posting a
question to someone:

Firstly, there are
other threads that you and I both speak to each other on. If it
were “just a question,” as you contend, you could have simply found
me on one of the other threads that we converse on, and just asked
it.

When Ma initially
responded, before I could, with “Bitsy - I have observed this,
too...” and went on with unrelated gossip …Which is exactly what it
is, GOSSIP, if I had respect for the person that I intended to
contact, I would have stated something along the lines
of:

“Ma, while I
appreciate that you felt the need to express this, I asked
chinadoll a question, and I would like to give her the courtesy of
a response. I will not respond to your viewpoint at this time until
I talk with her first.”

This is how I
would have mitigated any interference. I am not telling you what to
do. I am saying that this is how I would have done it. I see this
as a courtesy and a considerate method of interaction.

Instead, you
responded to her with: “Just something I noticed and thought I
would ask about”, which perpetuated the “interferences” long before
I had any chance to respond.

Not to mention, in
your initial post when creating this tread, you made accusations
about me not caring or attempting to work at cross purposes. If it
was simply a question, it was not an opened-ended question at all.
It was a loaded question.

An open-ended
question, which is one of many that I have used while conducting
interviews, would be something like, “How does that make you feel?”
or “What do you think about when you hear that?” This invites the
person to offer more than a “yes” or “no” answer (example of a
closed-ended question, such as “are you tired?” or “do you
care?”).

To deflect any
responsibility, you blame “interference” as the reason for
additional interpretations and opinions. Inaction, as well as
action, creates a result. For an example, if someone were to speak
badly or falsely about a person you care about—a good friend, your
child, your family member--and you say nothing or do nothing about
it, but then you tell your friend, child or family member, “I don’t
know why everyone is saying these things and acting this way” …
does that release you from accountability? Does this bring honor to
your friend, child, family member? I see this as a very poor
character trait that a person could have. I would not want to have
this type of person by my side on the battlefield.

You had a motive,
whether you want to accept it or admit that or not.

This is evident to
me, because yesterday, you did go to a thread that you know I go to
regularly, to explain your position and apologize. Had you not had
an alternative motive, you would not have created a thread to me
for asking a simple question.

You said to me
yesterday on the other thread:

“China, I did not
create that thread for any other purpose than to ask YOU a
question. Anything anyone else posted is irelevant to you or to me.
I did not post it to hurt you in any way and PLEASE do not let that
run you away from here.

Unfortunately,
here there is no other way to communicate with someone that to post
it openly. I would not intentionally cause you any pain and if I
did so unintentionally I apologize. Bitsy.”

Why go to the
other thread to apologize? Why not state it right here? If I were
to create any type of interaction with anyone, it would start and
end in the space in which it was created.

If you are going
to bring it, be prepared to sing it. I see often where someone will
start something with me on this site, and then jump onto another
thread and not finish it.

First of all, my
feelings do not hurt that easily, or easily at all for that matter.
What I felt was not pain. I was incredibly pissed off, and
justifiably so. I was being accused of things I knew nothing about.
Having a thread created, you say to ask a question, when the focus
was made to draw attention about me, to raise a ruckus, when it was
not necessary. To call me out on the carpet when there was no
initial wrong-doing on my part, not that I was aware of.

I think the
problem about anger, is that most people see it as “bad” and should
be avoided. Anger is actually our compass. It is that warning shot
that goes off to let us know that something is not right. Anger is
what we need, in order to listen to the cause of it. It is that
wake-up call, to say, "look at what is going on." I don’t believe
it when people say that they never get angry.

Either they are a
total doormat and naïve, or in denial. Anger is a healthy emotion
that gets a bad rap when it is expressed in an unhealthy
manner.

And I did not run
away, nor am I one to run. I took time away for reflection and
examination, as I stated that I would do. When I stated to others
that I may have to leave, it was for the purpose of coming to a
decision. I’ll be damned if I ever give in to retreat. The military
would not have kept me for this long if I kept that
attitude.

When I stated my
point that I do not need to be here, this is merely reality. If I
were in need of actual mental health assistance, I would not be
approaching a website that possesses no licensed mental health
clinicians. That would not be a wise choice. I certainly would not
rely on certain posters that I have seen that throw out mental
disorders all over the site, when they have no credentials to do
so.

I have seen where
other posters have taken information as fact and relied on the
“expertise” of a poster’s “diagnosis” of another individual. The
results of that created a mess for the one who took hold of that
information as gospel. Completely irresponsible. We are all
responsible for what we do, whether it is here, or out in the
world. For anyone to think that the reason I am here is because I
am so “deeply wounded”, it is amusing.

I recognize that
there are individuals here who are seeking support, guidance, and
validation. I am not minimizing that. I am setting the record
straight as to my reasons, to extinguish assumptions that I am this
broken person on the verge of collapse.

So that there is
no misunderstanding or misinterpretation by anyone, Bitsy, I throw
the BS flag on your explanation of your purposes. I acknowledge
your apology, and I am not able to accept it, as I question the
sincerity of it.

I cannot accept it
unless and until actions and behavior demonstrate
authenticity.

I asked you to
bring forward what the real reason for the thread is. The reason
has not exited this thread; it still exists, because I can still
see it. You state your truth as “I value your thoughts on various
situations and simply wanted your opinion.”

If this is
factual, you would have demonstrated a level of respect that both
patience and grace call for if my response was of any value to you.
If my thoughts had actual value to you, you would have waited for
my response, and not produced a loaded question sure to open the
door to any interpretation, opinion and interference.

I can feel what
you are thinking, whether on this thread, or other threads, even if
you do not wish to be forthcoming. I felt what you were thinking
when I read your initial post on this thread.

Before you get any
idea that I am acting in a self-righteous or superior manner, I am
not. I am no longer angry, that in itself lasted only for a few
minutes. I do not hold onto emotions for too long. I do not hold
grudges. My demeanor is calm, as it usually is. I am speaking to
you in the same manner as I would if I were training one of my
junior servicemembers, or if I were speaking to a colleague, in
order to resolve differences.

In order for me to
grow, I invite feedback from others. Rarely will anyone give honest
constructive criticism, because people generally wish to be liked
and seek approval of those they hope to impress. If I stop growing,
then I don't have much to offer myself or anyone else. I am subject
to change at any time if I see that whatever I am doing is no
longer working for me. I do not wish to be "set in my ways" and
become stagnant.

I invite you to
resolve the issue with me that is behind the question you asked. In
fact, I give you permission to confront me. I do not mean
"confront" as in "fight", which I think is another word that gets a
bad rap. Let's have a discussion. If you think I am off the mark in
any of what I have said, tell me so.

December 7, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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CraigCo, puptent, alien, Shaney, and Bf Girl, MsG: thank you
all for your kind words, thoughts, and hugs--here and on the other
side--

Shaney, much
respect to you, as well as to those mentioned. I have always taken
benefit from all your insights.

As stated above,
somewhere in that post, respect and trust are earned and never
given...as this is how it should be, if it is given too easily,
especially if given to those of a perceived higher status, this can
set people up for manipulation.

MsG, I loved the
quote about the bull. So true. My thoughts before you even posted
that blog were, don't be surprised if a dog barks when you poke a
sick in its face.

December 7, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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that
was supposed to say "stick" and not "sick". Typing too
fast!

December 7, 2010
12:00 am
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It No Longer Matters
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China, I do not have an answer for you. This is something I
discussed with the therapist today. I have a hard time asking for
what I really want because no matter how I ask I usually don't get
the response I want. We talked about the fact that although I WANT
relationships with people I shy away from them because I don't want
to be hurt again.

Perhaps I wanted a
"relationship" with you and didn't quite know how to ask...I am not
sure. I am working on it.

When someone says
something I disagree with I have learned to keep my mouth shut and
go on about my business and ignore what was said. That is something
else that we discussed in therapy this morning.

I simply don't
have an answer for you. I am hurting. I did not mean to hurt you in
any way. I don't quite know how to ask for what I want.

I do wish you all
the best and I am happy that you are going to have a Happy
Christmas.

Bitsy

December 7, 2010
12:00 am
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chinadoll
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Bitsy,

I must give my
humble thanks. You have taken the first step to what appears to be
a start. This is a step in the right direction.

This is what I
see. You and I had a relationship already, whether you realized it
or not. Although it was not defined, we talked back and forth here
for months. In a sense, you did not need to ask, since it was
already there.

Perhaps you did
not recognize it because it was not in the format that you wished
it to be. Back to what I mentioned before, where I did not know
that I was expected to care...I did not know what you expected from
me for a relationship.

This can also be
explained when it comes to dating relationships and marriage. What
I learned from my past dating relationships and my previous
marriage are all of the things I do not want. I had to endure those
experiences to see for myself all of the qualities and
characteristics I do not want a significant partner to
have.

It is not wrong to
have expectations. It is helpful tho', to have those expectations
clearly defined.

I think it is much
of the reason why many marriages/relationships fail, it is because
we expect, or we hope, that the person "knows" what we need and
want, and that there should not be a reason to express it. But
since we cannot read each other's minds, this approach does not
work.

I was guilty of
this when I was married. I did not have very many serious dating
relationships prior to my marriage, so I did not have much
experience with this type of interaction. I really did think that
he was supposed to "know" things.

I think that much
of the reason why you keep your mouth shut when someone disagrees
is because 1. you are afraid to disappoint the person and 2. you
never had anyone that truly listened to you or respect your
boundaries.

Based on past
disclosures that you have made on the threads: If I may give you an
example of #1, it might be the various situations you have had with
clients. When they are not happy about something, you say nothing,
and you take their harassment and maltreatment. Inside you are
screaming, but outside, you are polite. The emotional cost of
keeping the client far out-weighs the financial compensation that
you get.

If I may give you
some examples of #2. When you told your ex-husband you did not like
red roses, he gave them to you anyway. When you tried to tell R
something he did that you did not like, he dismissed it as tho' it
did not matter.

I knew that you
were hurting when I read your initial post. I could feel that you
were frustrated, upset, and impatient. You directed your pain
toward me. I am not mad for this, don't worry. I knew there was a
problem. I only wanted you to tell me what it was, so that we could
work it out.

As for asking for
what you want, I would suggest that you simply ask. And perhaps
first ask, without adding your "extra" projections onto what you
"think" the person is thinking or feeling.

You were hurting,
and you believed that I did not care. So when you first asked, and
then added that I did not care, you attached your expectation for
me onto that.

This diulted the
question, and this created the misunderstanding, which then, in
turn, allowed for others to chime in with their opinions and
interpretations.

Through no fault
of yours, you planted the seed that assisted the growth of
speculation.

When enough
misunderstandings occur, whatever bond that brings the relationship
together will cause it to slowly unravel.

The wall of
protection that you have built for yourself, to keep from getting
hurt, is keeping you from getting close. It appears that you enter
into an interaction, a potential friendship or relationship,
expecting that the person will hurt you. In a sense, you are
setting the person up to fail. You are looking for fault before an
offense has occured, so that once an offense, however slight, shows
itself, you can jump up and say, "aha! See, I knew you would hurt
me!"

If you do not take
down the wall, and allow yourself to be vulnerable, you will not
find the bond that you are seeking. You have to let someone in.
People do not like to feel like they are constantly being tested.
If they feel like they will never live up to your expectations,
they will give up.

If I may use
myself as an example, my bf is not mushy in the least bit. He has
never bought me flowers or taken me for a candlelight dinner. He is
very polite and he has a very good heart, but I cannot expect him
to be a Mr. Romantic.

However, I have
learned that when he does do something nice for me, I thank him,
tell him my appreciation, and I give him lots of praise. Each and
every time. Because it is a form of positive reinforcement, he then
makes efforts to continue. And I continue to praise his
efforts.

If this is the
best he can do, I accept that. I do not criticize, or say things
like, "why can't you be a romantic guy?" This is who he is. I
either accept it or I do not. If I attempt to change him, he's not
going to stick around. I do not, have not, and will not take him
for granted.

This is one of the
many reasons that we have never had an argument. We talk, and we
listen, and we take time to think about what the other person has
said. We don't always agree. But we allow the other to have a
voice.

It is not a matter
of who is right and who is wrong. There is no right and wrong.
There is me, and there is him. Two imperfect people who have formed
a bond, and have somehow managed to keep it going. I have no idea
what the future will bring. All we have is the present moment. We
have made no promises to each other, except for faithfulness. Each
moment then creates the future. Why pressure each other with
something neither can predict? It's unnecessary.

Bitsy, you have a
voice as well, and there is no reason why you have to keep quiet if
someone disagrees. Let the person hear your side. If they can't
handle it, it's on them. You will see by their actions whether it
is worth it to you to continue to engage.

As I see your
sincerity, I do accept your apology now, and I offer forgiveness.
As I said, I am not one to hold onto grievances. I never wished you
any ill will, so I hope you never felt that I did.

Although you do
not have an answer right now, guess what, neither do I, but the
answers will come.

Be
Blessed.

December 8, 2010
12:00 am
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CraigCo
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Well,
a remarkably refreshing, tender way out. Apologies all the way
round & with a soft cushion for all to land upon.

Bows are taking.
The curtain drops. Lights dim.....applause.

Nice work ladies!
;>D

December 8, 2010
12:00 am
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darkeyes
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((Chinadoll)) ((bitsy)))..respect to you
both....Dark!

December 8, 2010
12:00 am
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Shaney
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Amazingly refreshing!!! :o)

(((bitsy)))
(((chinadoll)))

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